Cathy7 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Dear All, I would like to ask for your help and advice. I would be grateful for your help. I will try to make the long story short. After some time of being on my own, I decided to engage in a relationship again. I've met this brilliant, intelligent and sensitive man in a professional situation. After that, we started seeing each other. We live far away from each other but we organised meetings and our commuication was promising. He grew to be important to me. Mainly, I fell in love with him. As we got to know each other outside the professional field, I learnt unexpectedly that he was facing several problems connected with a bad experience from his past. This experience kept chasing him throughout his life and didn't let him be. He decided to change his life and start anew. Throughout the spring we kept talking it over and over again and I was trying to be very supportive, listening to him and being there for him with my support and heart. Then, something unexpectedly happened. He stopped communicating with me as we used to do, because he said that now he organised his life anew and has a new schedule to follow and, therefore, he is very busy but, he said, "he is doing what he can to communicate with me as much as he can and I should appreciate it." This communication was like typing sentences: "I send you hugs" (one sentence like that per day). I felt desolate and like we are strangers. I wanted to keep sharing, I was dying to keep learning about this man I loved so much and I was looking for other forms of communication. I was feeling sad that he doesnt want to know anything about me as well. I was feeling that he doesn't love me but the idea of me which is in hismind. Within three months we talked on the phone just for three times. I grew unhappy. I kind of felt that when his personal troubles ended, there was no room for me to learn more about him or to share with each other. Actually, all we ever talked about was his inner struggle. When it was over, it was as if communication wasn't so important to him. I do not want our relationship to follow this pattern: not talking and sharing for months, then meeting for a holiday together, acting as a couple, and again falling into silence. It makes me feel insecure and unhappy, as I believe that I deserve to be with a man who would like to share with me also when we are apart. A man who would love to get to know more about me and about whom I would love to keep learning on daily basis. I mean really simple things, such as: "what you've been doing this week?". We were meant to meet next month but currently I don't know what to do. I decided to have a conversation with him for yet another time and this time I offered my argument that it makes me unhappy that our relationship is based on silence and acting as a couple only when we meet. I know that when we meet his desire will be to sleep together and I am really reluctant to it now. It is not that I am not feeling attracted to him. I would love us to act like this because I do love him but I'm also feeling very insecure. My argument is that, if something unexpected happened,I feel that probably I wouldn't be able to count on him if he is so submereged in his own world. I mean, the beginning of relationship is always perceived as "the best". - What, then, would happen later? Moreover, I would like to act in a responsible way. Therefore, I suggested, we can meet up to simply spend time together and postpone 'big things" for later, when he is truly ready, or he can take his time ( I would wait), and we would begin a serious relationship when he is truly ready. I offered this argument to him as well and his answer was that I treat him unfairly because he is taking the effort of going all the way to see me. Moreover, he said, he is not talking with me much but he is doing the best he can. He got offended by this part about not sleeping together but I didn't mention it with a bad intention. I wanted to be sincere and specify how I feel in detail. Dear All, please, let me know what are your opinions on this matter. I never meant to hurt him. Never. I really love him. But, at the same time, I never felt more alienated in all my life. I feel like I am alone beside myself. I feel it is not how the relationship should look like. I feel like I'm dying for us to communicate. Not even every day, but at least once a week - but thoroughly, as if we are really into it. I really care and I want to have a feeling that he cares too. My suggestion for him is that, perhaps, if he wants us to act as a couple during out meetings, we should postpone it until he also finds a little room for us in his daily life ( I would wait) so that I know that he is serious about us and I can rely on him in every situation. Please, let me know what are your suggestions? Thank you! Cathy Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 You were his amateur psychologist. He's happy to have sex with you. But this relationship you want is not something he wants. Perhaps he thinks because you know his flaws & deepest, darkest secrets he's not worthy to date you. The reason doesn't really matter. He is unwilling to give you what you want. So that leaves you with accepting the crumbs he's throwing at you or mustering up your dignity to walk away. Personally I'd pick the latter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 You are just a friends with benefits to him. This isn't an actual relationship. You aren't a couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 Thank you for both of your answers! Deep inside I feel the same, that I should walk away. I moved all those issues yesterday and he said that he didn't deserve such a treatment from me if he is willing to catch a plane and see me. I told him that I feel so alone and desolate, that our communication changed drastically since he started his new life, that I would love to keep learning about him and share with him - this is what I believe that people truly interested in each other do. I don't want him to text me all the time or hang on the phone. Just a little bit of time that he can find for us, if he can. And if he cannot - then, perhaps, we have to wait until he is ready. He said that I hurt him by presenting this argument and that he loves me. He said that we cannot act as "friends" when we meet and, therefore, when we meet, we should sleep together. Although I do love him and feel very attracted to him, the whole idea is becoming increasingly disappointing to me and Im still against it. I believe I cannot live on "I send you hugs" sentence throughout my weeks. I don't care that we live far from each other, but where is this interest we should have in ourselves? I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 PS. Meaning my boyfriend "new life", it is that he doesn't work but engages in daily activities to organise himself. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 PS. Meaning my boyfriend "new life", it is that he doesn't work but engages in daily activities to organise himself. And what the heck does that mean? Why doesn't he work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 it is because of his past bad experience which led him to feel traumatised inside. He decides to devote his "new life" to developing himself and his hobbies and skills and he plans to work when he will feel right to do so. Regardless of all this, in this "new life" there is so little time for both of us, even though he is not working. I told him that maybe now he should concentrate on the "new life", since it seems more important than relationship (at least, at present). I also told him that when he will be ready, I will be here for him, waiting. He said that "it is his choice" to choose this new life and, therefore, he is too busy to talk with me on daily basis, but that he "thinks of me" and "carries me in his heart" and , therefore, he "makes this effort" of coming to see me (and sleep with me). I feel weird and unhappy deep inside. I feel bad about sleeping together and all this, even though I do feel love for him... still. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Was he incarcerated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 No. never. He was just very hurt in his life. My argument is that sleeping together involves taking a responsibility for all the possible possibilities it may entail and being ready to act seriously about the relationship. Therefore, I wrote to him that maybe we should wait until he knows that he is ready for such relationship. He got offended that he cannot see us as friends. I asked him why then we hardly ever communicate? It is like we are strangers when we are apart. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 No. never. He was just very hurt in his life. My argument is that sleeping together involves taking a responsibility for all the possible possibilities it may entail and being ready to act seriously about the relationship. Therefore, I wrote to him that maybe we should wait until he knows that he is ready for such relationship. He got offended that he cannot see us as friends. I asked him why then we hardly ever communicate? It is like we are strangers when we are apart. He's not willing to GIVE anything to you. This is not a relationship. How far apart do you live? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 Ps. Is it selfish of me that I expect that, if we are a couple, we should communicate sometimes in a natural way? Like telling each other about our week or about things that make us happy/sad? I know that he is engaged in his "new life" schedule, I don't want to take his time (most of the time). But sometimes I would love to talk to him spontaneously... Because I care and love him and feel a longing to communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 In different countries. But if only I knew that he would love to be fully engaged in a relationship, I would go to visit him myself any moment. I long to see him badly and yet I am afraid that we will meet, as a couple, and then I will be left feeling lonely and miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
heretoh3lp Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 This man is not invested in his "relationship" by any means and in my personal opinion, he is not worth waiting for. You are someone who he can talk to (or at) and then have sex with you when he sees you. He is just not worth it. Communication in any relationship is important, long distance or otherwise, and you are not getting it from him. It can't be a real, genuine relationship if you don't know much about him other than his struggles and if he does not know anything about him. This sounds more like friends with benefits to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Ps. Is it selfish of me that I expect that, if we are a couple, we should communicate sometimes in a natural way? Like telling each other about our week or about things that make us happy/sad? I know that he is engaged in his "new life" schedule, I don't want to take his time (most of the time). But sometimes I would love to talk to him spontaneously... Because I care and love him and feel a longing to communicate. NO, it's no selfish! This man doesn't sound capable of a relationship. What exactly does "organizing his life" mean, anyway? What does he spend his days doing? How does he have money to pay bills? I'm missing something here. He sounds like a strange man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 He is mostly organizing his life by engaging in daily activities and hobbies that create a daily routine which he is learning to establish. I have no idea about the source of his income and how he makes his living without working. I believe he has savings, I didn't want to ask him until, perhaps, he would like to share it with me. All I know that in spring our communication was brilliant, although, to a large extent, it was devoted to his problems that we were trying to solve and I was trying to be supportive. He claims he loves me but I feel that he loves an idea of me instead of the real me. He is at home a lot, writing, and he told me that while doing so he thinks of me a lot. I responded that I am here, alive, and I'm thinking of him too, dying to know how he spends his days and how he is. It is sad that my friends know about me much more than he ever knows about me. And I also would love to know more about him. I just want to know that we can rely on each other and, with such strange communication, I'm having big doubts about it. Now he is offended that I want to "act only as friends" when we may meet, but I'm having so many fears and insecurities. It is the strangest relation I have ever seen and I don't feel like we are connected. I don't see it as the way in which I would like to spend my life with somebody. I mean, if you are interested in somebody, it comes naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 He is mostly organizing his life by engaging in daily activities and hobbies that create a daily routine which he is learning to establish. I have no idea about the source of his income and how he makes his living without working. And this doesn't set alarm bells off for you? How old is this man? Why is he having to "create a daily routine which he is learning to establish?" It sounds like someone who just got out of a long term prison sentence, to be honest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Ps. Is it selfish of me that I expect that, if we are a couple, we should communicate sometimes in a natural way? Not selfish at all. But let me get the rest of this straight. He doesn't work & you don't know his source of income. Upon meeting up in person he expects you two will immediately fall into bed. This isn't going to go well for you. I suspect something will come up before he flies to you, making him unable to meet. Or he will expect that you cough up the plane fare. Please, extricate yourself from this. He does not have your best interest as heart. Although you enjoy the flirtation & on-line fling, your gut is telling you to run. Listen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad. He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad. He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure. OK you have to give us some sort of hint about this "terrible thing from his past." How old is he? How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 I'm 26, he is in his 30s. A very important person to him let him down in the past and it was a family relation. It left a huge mark on him. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 I'm 26, he is in his 30s. A very important person to him let him down in the past and it was a family relation. It left a huge mark on him. Well, there's a reason he's so secretive about his life, and if I were you, I'd stay far away from this one. You're getting nothing out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 I'm 26. Your age makes me wonder how gullible you are. What you describe has DANGER written all over it but you seem too enamored with his alleged brilliance. Young women often look to older more established men for security & prestige. The wrong kind of older man (this guy) take advantage of their naivety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted November 11, 2017 Author Share Posted November 11, 2017 Dear All, thank you so much for your advice. I fully agree, I just don't know how to approach this issue. I'm starting to wonder that perhaps it's something inside him, like the inner problem of how he perceives or imagines our relations. It's like he believes that all is perfect, whereas, in reality, it is not. It's not the issue of being naive, I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad. He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure. His new life schedule is his new girlfriend/wife. He's keeping you as a side piece. Is that what you want your life to be? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 Dear All, thank you so much for your advice. I fully agree, I just don't know how to approach this issue. I'm starting to wonder that perhaps it's something inside him, like the inner problem of how he perceives or imagines our relations. It's like he believes that all is perfect, whereas, in reality, it is not. It's not the issue of being naive, I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another. Actually, I think the only decision you'll have to make is whether or not to respond to him the next time he contacts you. This one would be very easy to ghost since he's not committed to it at all anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts