Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

[ktheuerkauf]

A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. About a month ago, I noticed some naked photos of him on our computer. I immediately confronted him about this. He said he had hit rock bottom and was done with life. He shared his photos on a site for the thrill of it and to do something wrong. I was upset and felt very strange about it. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you have a typo in your first sentence because you don't say how old she is. Not that it even matters. You've expressed to your husband that you're not comfortable with his relationship with this woman, so, if he loves you, he should respect that and stop it. Period.

[ktheuerkauf]

I meant to type 23 for the younger friend.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Am sure there are folks on here who would be comfortable with the situation. I definitely would not be. I'm very secure; however, that doesn't mean I'd let my SO or husband date someone else. This may not be considered dating but it is spending time with a person of the opposite gender,

[d0nnivain]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Tragedy like that either brings people together or rips them apart.

 

On the theory that you catch more flies with honey then vinegar you need to change your approach to your husband. To save your marriage, you will have to become attractive & welcoming again. That is tough when you are grieving & resentful. I would tell you to abide the friendship except he's out drinking with her, flirting with her via text & talking negatively about you. That last one is the real killer.

 

First thing, I'd ask him to invite her to your house for dinner. If he balks, you know you have a real problem. If she comes, mark your territory but watch them like a hawk.

 

Meanwhile schedule MC for you & your husband.

 

You have to nip this EA in the bud before he becomes a PA & there's no going back.

[BluesPower]

And for LWP, and OP...

 

You both should be insecure about something like this.

 

OP, (Original Poster), Your husband is having an affair with this younger woman, or wants to have an affair with her. It may or may not have become physical yet, based on what you have written it is hard to judge.

 

That is what is going on. Of course, this is not the way to deal with the pain that both of you are feeling due to your loss.

 

I understand that you have been depressed, and it is normal. But OP, you and your husband are going to have to find a way to move on in a healthy way. I am not saying that it is easy, I really cannot imagine, but that is what has to happen.

 

Both of you have to figure out if you will move on and find a way to live your lives together or separately.

 

Your husband has to stop all contact with this woman and any others that he is "Friends" with.

 

Because if he has not physically cheated yet, he is on his way to doing just that.

 

And please do not believe the words that come out of his mouth. Because he is lying about almost everything.

 

Believe his actions...

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Again, if you haven't already, I would suggest that you both go back to counselling. Grief is devastating, your daughter would not want to see her parents separate. Take care.

[Overtaxed]

Let me say something very blunt, men don't TXT women (who aren't family) that they don't want to sleep with. We just don't. The concept of a woman "friend" for a man is a "woman I'd like to sleep with who hasn't agreed to it yet". It's simply not how we operate, women are happy to have a non-sexual relationship with a man, men generally don't get very much out of a non-sexual relationship with a woman. Yes, it's terrible, it's shallow, and it's limiting. But it's also the way most of us work.

 

I post this video all the time, not because it's a great piece of research, but because it happens to illustrate the point quickly and with a bit of humor.

 

 

Most men don't really want to be friends with women, we want to sleep with them. There are actually words for men involved in a friendship with a woman, none of them are complimentary. Orbiter, emotional tampon, and others that slip my mind at this early hour.

 

IMHO, you have a big problem on your hands, act as if your husband has said "I would like to F this woman" to your face, because, through his actions, that's exactly what he's telling you.