Author dannyStL Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Hi Danny, I wrote a considered and detailed post pointing out the traps and minefields ahead of you that you are likely to succumb to. Cullen has also given an excellent wrap up of the reasons you should not try reconciliation at this point of time. You and your GF are not ready for it. As Cullen has said you have to first learn to value yourself. That means too, that you learn to respect your self. Only people with self respect can expect others to respect them. Once you start respecting yourself, your WGF will start respecting you. Only then will she be ready to display true remorse. Without that you could go to Hell and back but you would not get true reconciliation. The amount of work that the two of you have to do is tremendous before true reconciliation can happen. The most important thing is that both of you have to be on board for this to succeed. Currently your WGF is NOT on board. In view of the above and my previous post, your response came across as rather flippant to me. It seems to indicate that you are resenting the advice being given to you which runs counter to your great desire to just reconcile with your WGF and get things back to business as usual. If that is what you want then go ahead but do not say later that people did not warn you. If you read extensively on this forum you would notice that those who ignored the warnings offered by folks on here in good faith later came back and sheepishly admitted that they were wrong and the forum members were right. The collective wisdom of this forum is just amazing. So friend, your choice of action is entirely up to you. No one can force you to tale a path you are loath to take. All we can do is wish you the best going forward. Certainly not resenting advice given, but I also feel like I shouldn't give up on my family when there is a chance for reconciliation. She has offered to do anything I want in order to keep the family together, to me, that's pretty impressive. I have full access to everything, she is willing to continually reassure me of her love, she is apologetic. I'm not sure I should tear my family apart for "self respect", as opposed to keep things in place and work it out. If we split the kids loose their school district, we loose the house, everything changes for everyone. It seems selfish to simply focus on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Certainly not resenting advice given, but I also feel like I shouldn't give up on my family when there is a chance for reconciliation. She has offered to do anything I want in order to keep the family together, to me, that's pretty impressive. I have full access to everything, she is willing to continually reassure me of her love, she is apologetic. I'm not sure I should tear my family apart for "self respect", as opposed to keep things in place and work it out. If we split the kids loose their school district, we loose the house, everything changes for everyone. It seems selfish to simply focus on myself. Danny, you seem set on staying with her. So I am going to give you the last advice, warning actually, and that is all I can do for you. This is what will happen: She will play the dutiful wife/GF for a while. Her latest BF will call her in a few months, and eventually you will catch her cheating again. Or the next scenario is this, she puts up with you watching your every move, for a while, and she will slowly start to get tired of it. She is be grouchy and some point, and you will wonder why. Then slowly, even you will realize that she is cheating again. This scenario has you wasting between 5 and 10 more years with her until you catch her again. Then you will realize that every single thing that we have told you was correct. I wish you well and I truly hope I am wrong, but unfortunately I am not... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Danny, you seem set on staying with her. So I am going to give you the last advice, warning actually, and that is all I can do for you. This is what will happen: She will play the dutiful wife/GF for a while. Her latest BF will call her in a few months, and eventually you will catch her cheating again. Or the next scenario is this, she puts up with you watching your every move, for a while, and she will slowly start to get tired of it. She is be grouchy and some point, and you will wonder why. Then slowly, even you will realize that she is cheating again. This scenario has you wasting between 5 and 10 more years with her until you catch her again. Then you will realize that every single thing that we have told you was correct. I wish you well and I truly hope I am wrong, but unfortunately I am not... So your what your saying is once a person is unfaithful, that can never change? Our counselor introduced us to a couple different couples whose marriages are actually better than they were before the cheating, because both sides realized what needed to change, and made the commitment. You think they are insincere? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokeInside Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Hi Danny, i wish you all the best. I hope you two will recover,i don't have the veteran experience and i can't add anything. I understand how you feel towards your family and again, i think it's typical for guy like us who put their family before themselves. Just don't be trapped, get the power back and don't let her treat you like **** again. Keep us updated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 So your what your saying is once a person is unfaithful, that can never change? Our counselor introduced us to a couple different couples whose marriages are actually better than they were before the cheating, because both sides realized what needed to change, and made the commitment. You think they are insincere? Danny, yes this can happen... but not with your wife. The way that the cheating happened. The way that you played the pick me game and begged her back. She will never respect you, if she ever did. It is only a matter of until she cheats again. That is her. That is the way that she will always be. She thinks that she is entitled to have whatever she wants. You will see in a few months or years... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Danny, yes this can happen... but not with your wife. The way that the cheating happened. The way that you played the pick me game and begged her back. She will never respect you, if she ever did. It is only a matter of until she cheats again. That is her. That is the way that she will always be. She thinks that she is entitled to have whatever she wants. You will see in a few months or years... I don't know if I agree with that. She never cheated for 13 years, and she is severely apologetic for the one time she did do it. I can confirm she never cheated any other time due to finding a text conversation between her and her best friend. In the conversation she wrote how she never did this before, was sick of herself for what she did, and was ashamed of herself for hurting me. It seems like our relationship is starting to get better that it actually was before she cheated. My kids are happy, our home is calmer, and things seem to be going well. She spends all her time with me, and even took off work today to spend the day with me. I guess I am willing to give her one more shot, if she does do it again then at least I can leave and say I didn't give up on my family, I fought for it until the bitter end. If things do work out I can be happy with my family until the end, and not wind up alone and miserable living in some trailer somewhere. I will update the thread either way, we shall see how this all plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 I don't know if I agree with that. She never cheated for 13 years, and she is severely apologetic for the one time she did do it. I can confirm she never cheated any other time due to finding a text conversation between her and her best friend. In the conversation she wrote how she never did this before, was sick of herself for what she did, and was ashamed of herself for hurting me. It seems like our relationship is starting to get better that it actually was before she cheated. My kids are happy, our home is calmer, and things seem to be going well. She spends all her time with me, and even took off work today to spend the day with me. I guess I am willing to give her one more shot, if she does do it again then at least I can leave and say I didn't give up on my family, I fought for it until the bitter end. If things do work out I can be happy with my family until the end, and not wind up alone and miserable living in some trailer somewhere. I will update the thread either way, we shall see how this all plays out. Being she never cheated before. And I do not remember the details but: If the OM was a co-worker and she left her job She has stopped trickle truthing and is willing to take a polygraph test Is showing remorse Not telling you to get over it already Has shut down all social media Has confessed to her parents and siblings to help hold her accountable That you exposed the PA to the OMW an his parents Provided you to full access of her phone and records Then your WW is a good candidate to recover her marriage. I will not re-read your thread to find the answers to my questions. That's your job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 This weekend was a shocker to say the least! She used her savings, and presented me with a 2018 Chevy Tahoe fully paid off. She told me it was a way to show she was serious about our reconciliation. Needless to say I was floored when she took me to the dealership and they presented me with a title in my name, and no lien. SHOCKED! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Wow, you're not married so this is a shocker. Good for you man. Just protect yourself and establish some boundaries going forward. Now is the time to get that done. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Just reflect back and remember one thing. Would you be where you're at if her other man hadn't dumped her? No contact with any OM forever has to be the case. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 You guys were right about everything. She is still seeing the other man. I left the house last night to get my own apartment and she said she couldn't take care of the kids, so they left with me. We are currently sleeping on my sisters floor, but I'm supposed to get an apartment tomorrow. She wants me to stay at the house, but live in the basement while we live separate lives, for the kids to finish out the school year. I'm not sure what to do, this is all too much, do I go back home for the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 You guys were right about everything. She is still seeing the other man. I left the house last night to get my own apartment and she said she couldn't take care of the kids, so they left with me. We are currently sleeping on my sisters floor, but I'm supposed to get an apartment tomorrow. She wants me to stay at the house, but live in the basement while we live separate lives, for the kids to finish out the school year. I'm not sure what to do, this is all too much, do I go back home for the kids? Danny, is this a surprise??? Of course we were right about everything. You are about the one millionth person to come back and say that. So all of the advice that you have gotten through out all the pages of this thread, start following it. The short list is: 1) Stop acting like a wimp, stand up for yourself. As much as this hurts, it is not the end of the world... 2) DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If the house is only in her name, you still have a right to live there. In your bedroom for Christ sake. Kick her to the basement. She cannot kick you out. 3) You guys are common law married, so get a freaking lawyer, and file for custody of your children. Get her to leave the house, if possible and get her to PAY YOU CHILD SUPPORT. 4) I don't know what the laws are in your area, but maybe you can file for divorce since you are common law married. BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO A LAWYER for that. 5) Get her on the ropes. Get the legal stuff started and protect yourself. 6) Basically, MAN UP ALREADY... Now do you believe that a great majority of us actually know what we are talking about, maybe because we have lived this kind of stuff already????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 good news is Missouri is not a common law state so no divorce is required. The house is in my name, not hers. She wants me to live in the basement while we live separate lives, so the kids still get to do their school teams and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Missouri is not a common law state and the house is in your name. The solution is simple. Get your children up off the floor and go back to your house. Print out a Notice of Eviction and serve it to her. You may have to give 30 or 60 day notice, but this can be done. The notice also buys you time to file for temporary child support. If you are to fragile to do this, sign the house over to your sister and have her do it. Within 60 days, she is out of your house. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Danny...nut up and kick that woman out! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 You don't need an apartment, she does. Find out what you need to do to evict her from YOUR house. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Hi Danny, sorry to say 'I told you so' but that is the sad truth. Also it was only a few days ago and not months or years later. All the 'so sorry I hurt you' and buying you a brand new truck was so much cock and bull on her part. You should just return her truck and tell her 'Thank you, but I cannot accept anything from a dyed in the blood cheater'. The other folk on here have given you sterling advice. Go with it. Show her for once that 'You da man'! Tell her to go shack up with her beau and not show her cheater face to you anymore. If you do not respect your self nobody else will especially a cheating spouse. Wish you the best going forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) I feel sad all these good people gave you great advice but you never listened to them But they didn't give up on you, they still continued on telling you to do the right thing. Set yourself free, rent an apartment for her for a month and let her out of your sight! Let her go! Let her be! She is not good mother or wife and for God sake, was it really that hard to say to your d*** to not have sex with her? Really? I can't imagine myself looking, merely looking at someone who cheated on me, talk about having sex with them again? How could you? How could you have sex with that snake! She humiliated you in front of everyone else, she didn't even keep the relationship secret! She told her friends and her friends told everybody! It would not take long until the kids will hear about it Protect your kid, be their dad! Leave that woman, rent an apartment for her and let her live there. and no do not sell the house and displace the kids suddenly! Take some debt and pay for the house until school ends and then rent them a house near their school! Do not make it hard for the poor kids separating them from their friends and their comfort places! You know when I love someone and they hurt me what I do? I step on my heart and leave them immediately! If I can do it, you can too! You can and you should, no if, how, when, or where. Just do it already! How old you? are you 40, are you in your 30'. No, I don't need an answer. This is still very young and you still have your life ahead of you! leave her Hit the gym. Change your hairstyle or your clothes work on your physical and mental health Look attractive again and have fun being single Don't hold on to this imaginary family! You only have 2 kids, not a real family, this woman is not there! Take her out of the picture! Edited January 31, 2018 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Danny You have to deny everything your heart/feelings are telling you right now, crush your feelings just like she did. When you begin to think from your head and let your thoughts guide your actions, then maybe you will be able to see what it takes to get thru this. You gotta toughen up for your own sake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 Well, I sold a bunch of my stuff and came up with $1500 for first months rent and a security deposit. I told her I wanted to go to counseling and keep our family together, she said she didn't. I said well then one of us has to move in the next few days, that I had deposit and rent to do it, and she could decide if it was going to be me or her. Obviously she has chosen to move and leave the kids with me. She is gone looking for an apartment now, the finality of it all has me so devastated. She still wants to live in the same house, pay off our debt, but be single. I explained I couldn't do that, because I still loved her, and everytime I saw her it was like ripping off a bandage. She told me she loves me and always will, but that she isn't in love with me. Obviously her boyfriend isn't in love with her either because he isn't willing to take her in. This is all so devastating. Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Danny, please it's hard to read your story and the misguided faith you have in her, she doesn't deserve it, she has told you in so many ways with words and actions and inaction that you and the kids are not what she wants or needs in her life.. This woman has some issues she needs to work out without hurting you and the kids, your their father Danny, don't let her do this anymore, they are at an age, they need to see what is right and why. Tell them everything and then set your wife free and move on.....don't let her control this anymore, you choose for you and your kids....YOu are the only strong one in this whole awful situation they are living through...... You don't want them to think this is acceptable for their lives by you accepting this. We all know this is hard but I will tell you, you ask her to leave go to that apartment and tell her to figure herself out without you by her side. It's the only way Danny, she knows she has you by the b**ls and she can get away with it all. There is no point in her changing anything. why would she. This woman is not right for you or anyone, this is beyond cruel, the part about not even wanting her children, hating them would be enough for me. That alone should tell you this woman is not worth all this hurt and pain she is causing you, there are plenty of women that would cherish you and your kids, give that a shot for your family. We can all help you through this until you feel strong enough to know your better off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZoeyLane Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Well, I sold a bunch of my stuff and came up with $1500 for first months rent and a security deposit. I told her I wanted to go to counseling and keep our family together, she said she didn't. I said well then one of us has to move in the next few days, that I had deposit and rent to do it, and she could decide if it was going to be me or her. Obviously she has chosen to move and leave the kids with me. She is gone looking for an apartment now, the finality of it all has me so devastated. She still wants to live in the same house, pay off our debt, but be single. I explained I couldn't do that, because I still loved her, and everytime I saw her it was like ripping off a bandage. She told me she loves me and always will, but that she isn't in love with me. Obviously her boyfriend isn't in love with her either because he isn't willing to take her in. This is all so devastating. Wow, I don't understand how she doesn't want the kids. She doesn't want to have a 50/50 custody arrangement? That is heartbreaking to say the least. Good thing you sound like such a great father! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dannyStL Posted February 1, 2018 Author Share Posted February 1, 2018 I feel soooo lonely without her, even with my kids in the room. I also start feeling doomed and lonely when I think about the future. After the bills are paid Ill be lucky to have $200 a week for 2 kids lol, I'm scared to death. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Dude, it will all work out. You're in the same situation as I would guess at least a million other parents. I'm not very experienced in such matters, but I'm sure some people here are. Go after her for child support. You may not get any at all, but if she does start making money legally, she will have to pay. Whatever happens, in 1 yr you will be happier and better off without her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Bud It's your time to piss her off! Sell the truck that she just bought for you, then you will have plenty of money to raise them children! I wouldn't think twice about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts