Completely Broke

[Be_Strong]

I feel soooo lonely without her, even with my kids in the room. I also start feeling doomed and lonely when I think about the future. After the bills are paid Ill be lucky to have $200 a week for 2 kids lol, I'm scared to death.

 

You’ve been extremely emotionally dependent on your girlfriend, and you’re now experiencing separation anxiety. Your fear and dependency on her are what have been causing you to continually take her back no matter what she does because you are scared to death of living without her.

 

As far as the money is concerned, that’s a self-created problem. Unlike most of the guys commenting here, you are extremely lucky to not be married. You owe your girlfriend absolutely nothing. If you’re stupid enough to pay for an apartment for her, don’t whine about not having any money.

[MJJean]

I feel soooo lonely without her, even with my kids in the room. I also start feeling doomed and lonely when I think about the future. After the bills are paid Ill be lucky to have $200 a week for 2 kids lol, I'm scared to death.

 

Have you never heard of Walmart, Craigslist, and resale shops? Stop paying for your ex's anything. Tighten your belt and learn to make everything at home...coffee, lunch, etc. If you're careful with the money, $200 per week after the bills are paid is plenty.

 

Also, get thee to court and file for custody. I don't know about your state, but in mine unmarried fathers literally have zero parental rights until a judge says they do. In other words, if I were unmarried with minor children, I could drop my kids with their father until I decided I wanted them back, tell the police he is keeping them against my will, get a police escort, physically take them from him, and there isn't a damn thing he could do because there isn't a court order granting him parenting time.

[Be_Strong]

Have you never heard of Walmart, Craigslist, and resale shops? Stop paying for your ex's anything. Tighten your belt and learn to make everything at home...coffee, lunch, etc. If you're careful with the money, $200 per week after the bills are paid is plenty.

 

Also, get thee to court and file for custody. I don't know about your state, but in mine unmarried fathers literally have zero parental rights until a judge says they do. In other words, if I were unmarried with minor children, I could drop my kids with their father until I decided I wanted them back, tell the police he is keeping them against my will, get a police escort, physically take them from him, and there isn't a damn thing he could do because there isn't a court order granting him parenting time.

 

Belt tightening isn’t even required. He should now have more money, not less, because has doesn’t have to spend a cent on his girlfriend any longer. Plus, since the girlfriend doesn’t want custody, he can take her to court and get a child support order against her. Honestly, he should come out a lot stronger financially than he was while in a relationship with her.

[MJJean]

Belt tightening isn’t even required. He should now have more money, not less, because has doesn’t have to spend a cent on his girlfriend any longer. Plus, since the girlfriend doesn’t want custody, he can take her to court and get a child support order against her. Honestly, he should come out a lot stronger financially than he was while in a relationship with her.

 

You'd be surprised how many will show up and demand their kids back when A) they get dumped by their latest romantic partner, B) they get social censure for "abandoning their kids" and/or C) they realize they'll have to pay child support. OP needs to file for official custody NOW before she changes her mind, he ends up having to pay her child support plus daycare, etc., and he does come out worse.

[Marc878]

You will stay in the delimma you're end until you go your own way.

[BrokeI]

You guys were right about everything. She is still seeing the other man. I left the house last night to get my own apartment and she said she couldn't take care of the kids, so they left with me. We are currently sleeping on my sisters floor, but I'm supposed to get an apartment tomorrow. She wants me to stay at the house, but live in the basement while we live separate lives, for the kids to finish out the school year. I'm not sure what to do, this is all too much, do I go back home for the kids?

 

Hey danny, i'm very sad it did not turn well, but you have to convince yourself this is a good thing for you.

 

You saw her true color many times and it's not easy what she's done to you. The emotionnal damage is here and devastating and you are surely in the deep stage of sadness.

 

But again, you will do it. Many of us were here, and today, we are still here to talk.

 

I was in your place few month ago and i can assure you, i'm OK today. It's not easy but it's ok. Depression is gone, anxiety is gone , sleeping is back and priority is settled.

 

Those event have a meaning : you and only you are the most important person on your life. This is a very good lesson for guys like us who will do anything for the loved one. We should do everything for us and not for another person.

 

I did have some time to think about that and i was a big fool to accept the cheating part.

 

Marriage does not mean anything today and those broken things, nobody has the strenght to go deep and try to fix it.

 

You are a good guy, i did follow your story. I hope you will be ok, see you soon here.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I absolutely feel for you. I wanted to point out that I went through a very similar experience about 3 years ago. It was mind blowing, devastating, I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life.

 

Here we are three years later and I am more happy now than I’ve ever been. My son is happpy, I have a great woman in my life. I never knew things could be this good. You will get there too, I promise.

 

1 day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary. Hang in there. There is a light. I promise.

[dannyStL]

So, we are still stuck in the same rut. She never moved out like she said she was going to. We have been doing the same old thing, raising our kids, going out together, having sex, sharing the same bank account. I have found out that she has had sex with two other men in total, 1 a one night stand, the other her co-worker that does not want a relationship with her, just a booty call. We are still in the same house together.

 

 

Yesterday she found out that her best friend and I have been talking for weeks, trading texts, trading phone calls, strictly about what is going on. She flipped out and said her friend betrayed her and she was done with her, which is probably a good thing, because its her party friend. When she confronted me about it I explained that we were talking to try and figure out why she was doing what she was doing, what she wanted, and how to fix it. She finally sat down with me and told me what she wants:

 

 

To live in the same house and raise the kids

have separate bedrooms

date each other and see where it goes

do things as a family

be free to see other people

 

 

She wants to do this long term for at least two years. I spoke to my counselor who told me this is called "cake eating" where she gets comfort at home, but excitement with the AP. The counselor said it sounds like she is going through a midlife crisis. The counselor claims that if I am non-confrontational, give her space, and wait it out (could be 2 years), there is the possibility she will return to her family. I have a feeling I know what everyone's response to this will be, but has anyone successfully fixed a relationship with a cake eater in midlife crisis?

[BluesPower]

So, we are still stuck in the same rut. She never moved out like she said she was going to. We have been doing the same old thing, raising our kids, going out together, having sex, sharing the same bank account. I have found out that she has had sex with two other men in total, 1 a one night stand, the other her co-worker that does not want a relationship with her, just a booty call. We are still in the same house together.

 

Yesterday she found out that her best friend and I have been talking for weeks, trading texts, trading phone calls, strictly about what is going on. She flipped out and said her friend betrayed her and she was done with her, which is probably a good thing, because its her party friend. When she confronted me about it I explained that we were talking to try and figure out why she was doing what she was doing, what she wanted, and how to fix it. She finally sat down with me and told me what she wants:

 

To live in the same house and raise the kids

have separate bedrooms

date each other and see where it goes

do things as a family

be free to see other people

 

She wants to do this long term for at least two years. I spoke to my counselor who told me this is called "cake eating" where she gets comfort at home, but excitement with the AP. The counselor said it sounds like she is going through a midlife crisis. The counselor claims that if I am non-confrontational, give her space, and wait it out (could be 2 years), there is the possibility she will return to her family. I have a feeling I know what everyone's response to this will be, but has anyone successfully fixed a relationship with a cake eater in midlife crisis?

 

That is it...

 

Gee I thought you were done when you found out that she really had and affair.... Give me a break...

 

What is it that you want. Do you want her to bring her BF's home so you can watch????? I guess it must be...

 

Danny, why can't you understand that this woman does not love you. She never loved you, and she never will love you.

 

I guess you just really want to be a cuckold...

 

Please, grow up and divorce this woman. Oh, and find a new counselor.

 

Please, please, please listen to me and other that are telling you to get out.

 

I have never give up on someone at LS. But I think I am going to give up on you...

[dannyStL]

Believe me Blues you are not the only one giving up on me. My close friends and even my family are starting to shy away. They were all super supportive at first, but see no end in sight, and are as exhausted as everyone else. I think my biggest issue is I try to find a glimmer of hope in everything, such as the counselor saying people can snap out of a midlife crisis, or the fact that she wants to remain at the house. I have good days, then I have terrible days. My job has worked with me since November, but even they are tired of it, giving me a final warning before a performance plan today. I had hoped someone was familiar with this midlife crisis issue, and the possibility of returning to normal.

[BluesPower]

Believe me Blues you are not the only one giving up on me. My close friends and even my family are starting to shy away. They were all super supportive at first, but see no end in sight, and are as exhausted as everyone else. I think my biggest issue is I try to find a glimmer of hope in everything, such as the counselor saying people can snap out of a midlife crisis, or the fact that she wants to remain at the house. I have good days, then I have terrible days. My job has worked with me since November, but even they are tired of it, giving me a final warning before a performance plan today. I had hoped someone was familiar with this midlife crisis issue, and the possibility of returning to normal.

 

danny, that should tell you something... The reason that everyone is tired of you and your issues is that you will not move on.

 

You are about to get your butt fired because you are moping around about her. That is insane. And you are thinking about accepting any of this?

 

Brother, she admitted that she had an affair, and slept around. She says 2 guys, well guess what, it is probably 10 times that.

 

And how do you have any idea that her affair is over? You don't.

 

Danny, brother, you have to move on. Do you want to catch her in bed with some guy in 10 years and then divorce her? Think about that, because it is likely to happen...

[Marc878]

You are weak as a kitten and you are keeping yourself there. No one can help you.

[Lowrider93]

I think if she could actually find someone who would take her

she would leave you and the children behind in her dust.

Make no mistake thou, by making the decision to stay together

under her terms (this is your choice)

You can no longer play the victim!

[NopeNah]

If you need cash I'll fly in and buy that new tahoe she 'bought you'. Time to "nut up" and for the love of god...stop starting every post with what "she's doing".. If you want help ask for it,but you need to check the ego at the door. You got cheated on..it happens to the 'best of us' and if you're good with crazy women(no offense ladies) more than once..What are YOU doing to handle this?

[Purrrfect]

Sorry you are going through this. Try to be civil. Don’t give her any idea since you are hurt you will give her what she wants for custody and child support. Give her the idea you want to be civil and coparent and everyone will be better off. Ask her where she is moving? I would let her know you would like to work out a joint custody arrangement and that the kids should stay in their currrnt school.

 

Hopefully she doesn’t intend on moving the kids too far away.

 

Good luck.

[TiredofLies888]

Danny...I get it because I have been going through a situation in my own relationship and I don't really understand what the "hooks" are because I have NEVER in my life been a person who would put up with abuse, infidelity, etc. but there is something going on in this relationship and I have been so stuck. I have stayed through things I look back and can't believe that I stayed - and meanwhile I know cognitively that I need to just do what needs to be done, I must just completely detach from this person and start doing whatever it takes to take care of ME now...because for years I put them and the relationship first - and that works just fine when it's both of you doing that - but it's extremely exploitive when it's only one of you. I am getting there, and I know you can do this!!

 

I think you need to do what I need to do myself - you have been with this person for a long time, you have children with her, you've become somewhat dependent on the relationship - and you've forgotten that you at one point in your life did survive without her. If you can't deal with thinking about losing her, and that dominoes into all kinds of subconscious other things in your head and your heart that cause you to freak out and freeze - or the relationship itself and all of the drama and chaos is so depressing and exhausting that it is draining you and you're left with zero energy to do anything - (I go back and forth between these two things) - one thing that you can do is just take baby steps to start detaching from her, and start to focus on you.

 

You know that if you get fired from your job, this is going to only make things 100 times worse for YOU and for your kids - they need you to be a constant, to be dependable, to be able to take care of things like the house, food, transportation, etc. In some ways, you may be passively just going along with all of this and you are sabotaging your own life in order to force a solution - it's just a thought - but maybe subconsciously you know that you losing your job and becoming unemployed may make her look down on you even more - and then she will leave because she is making such a big deal about the financial aspects of all of this. It may not be the case, it could be more that you've given her control over your own self-dignity, self-worth, and your feelings are all over the place. You're letting HER define for you what your value is. If she's kind to you, or acts like she wants to be with you, if she's loving or wants to be sexual, then you feel like you're ok - things are ok - and you can function. When she is acting out and treating you like crap, then you will react to her treating you as if you are trash, and you will treat yourself as if you are trash, will feel down in the dumps, etc.

 

The very first thing you must do right now is get the chaos to stop so that you can get away from the craziness of this situation enough to think clearly, and you need to detach from her emotionally in order to make decisions that are in YOUR best interest. Until you do that, you are going to continue to get sucked in and you'll continue to be her puppet. You can't even begin to make the correct decision for YOU and your kids when you're in the middle of all of this - and she knows that by having sex with you, you can't detach emotionally.

 

You will continue to hope, continue to hold onto the lies she's feeding you, and continue to be at her mercy - as long as you are emotionally connected to her. If she can be so callous toward you, cheat on you and treat you the way that you've described, then she's been able to detach from you and is working this situation because it benefits her in some way. You being there and being in love with her, committed to the idea of the family, etc. is giving her no chance to respect you at all. She's done all of these horrible things to you and you're still there. Now she basically wants an open relationship where she is the one benefiting - not you. She knows that she is killing you by saying she wants to see other people but live in the same house. Just wait until she starts blatantly bringing these guys home into your marital home, in front of your children - is THAT situation better than simply explaining to the kids that the two of you are getting divorced? Think further ahead...think of the lack of respect she is showing you right now, and think about how painful things are for you now, and then go forward and think about what it's going to feel like watching her basically sleeping with people out in the open.

 

Think about how you feel right now, and then multiply it by 1000. This is going to get very ugly if you don't take control of the situation and refuse to allow her to dictate YOUR life anymore. I am working on doing the same thing in my situation. I've learned that if I just stay, continuing to be the faithful, long-suffering, hurt but in love wife - guess what? They don't stop, they don't care. They are in a place where right now it's all about them, and trust me, they are going to choose THEMSELVES first every single time. You cannot trust them to make choices that are in the best interest of your relationship, your children, and certainly not for YOU and your life. It's difficult because they sound the same, look the same, and they know you well enough to tell you what you so need to hear - but if they truly loved you, would they be doing any of these things?

 

This is not the woman you thought she was. Whether it's a midlife crisis, or a character disorder - I have had the same conversations with myself, what if I just wait it out...etc. etc. but ultimately if you don't start taking control of what is happening, and you trust THEM when they are absolutely not trustworthy right now, you're going to be in such a horrible place. Way worse than if you started to take the steps you must take to protect yourself. I think you'll get there, Danny. I think it's hard for people to understand when they are not emotionally invested and they do not have the hooks in them that you do...but you will get to a point when you're ready and you'll wake up and be done with this BS. When that day comes, and you truly don't care anymore whether she's there or gone, that is when you will see her come back begging and pleading...she will intuitively know that you're done with her crap and that she can't mess around with you anymore. To hurry that process up, do all that you can to detach. Don't have sex if you can help it. Keep reading what you've written here, or start a journal so you can go back and read what really has happened, and not the spin your mind will put on it when you're lonely. Get out and start doing things that rebuild your self-respect and self-dignity.

 

I understand completely wanting to give this every chance - I am so stuck in that same place myself. You have to remember that you did not choose this for your family, and that you have done all that you can. You can't change anyone, and you can't make anybody love you. If you stand up for yourself, you will see that the entire situation will shift and change. Right now she knows she's got you wrapped around her finger - and that needs to change.

 

Sit down and write down each and every fear that you have - and then come up with an answer to how you will deal with that fear. Go out, meet people, work out, force yourself even when you feel like total crap to take care of you and don't let her see you broken any longer. Start pulling back and start thinking about this logically, do your best to remove emotions from the situation if you can. You'll have lots of time later to deal with all of that. Right now you need to see this situation for what it is...and if you don't stand up and show your worth, she's going to continue to lose respect. If you show her you are worth so much more than this, and then show her you are SUCCESSFUL without her drama in your life - all of a sudden these OM will lose their attraction. Trust me on that. By then, hopefully, you will have rebuilt your self-worth and won't be dependent anymore on whether or not she wants you because you'll see that there are thousands of good, faithful women who will want you and you will realize that you are enough!!!

 

Just because some cheating, lying, two-faced person treats you like you're worthless, does not mean that you are! Trust me, I know it is hard - I am going through it myself. It's an every day process, but you will get through it, and eventually you'll be free of the hold she has on you! Just don't give in and don't sabotage yourself - so things like your job you must get that situation under control!!! Pull yourself together and do everything you can to detach! I wish you the best and I'm so sorry you're in this situation! You can do this...and it will be ok!

[Cephalopod]

Only you can keep yourself living in hell danny. Nothing will change unless you take steps to change it. Your WW has no respect, love or regard for you. If you can handle being treated like a bag of crap for the rest of your life, more power to you. I'd rather live in a cardboard box under bridge than be disrespected the way she is disrespecting you.

[kgcolonel]

Danny,

 

Only you can improve your situation. You GF / W has I suppose in some sense, been honest with you...."I want the security and family life but i am going to do other guys". Take her at her word here....she's telling you what she's going to do and what she wants. If that is not what you want, break it off...you are and have more control.

 

My take is that you're afraid that she's the best you can do and therefore...you feel you have to eat the proverbial sandwich she is service....what are you teaching your child by taking this?

 

I hope you, not her, wake up man....

[skywriter]

I have been with the mother of my two kids 12, 8, for 13 years (yes mistake 1, never got married). A week ago she told me she's leaving us and moving out in May. She wants to pay off some bills before she leaves so we are all in better financial standing. She said she is tired of me. She is now spending 12 hour days at work, we all three miss her something terrible. The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them. She sleeps in the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. Last night we slept in the same bed, but she was adamant that she is still leaving, and got frustrated, then mad when I tried to convince her otherwise. I am a complete physical and mental wreck over this. I have begged her to stay, that things would change, and she told me she wants to be my friend, but I'm being too needy. It's Saturday now, but I already feel like I can't do my job anymore. I don't know how I can do an 8 hour shift and come home to this. I have been crying, haven't ate in days, and can't sleep but an hour/maybe two a night. She seems to be completely fine. What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

 

The kids don't know she is moving out, or they actually do, we just haven't told them.

danny,

 

You've been posting all this time and you've ignored, refused, however you wanna call it, the advice given to you.Re read your post, the post is a lot of I , me, and she.

 

If for no other reason, please stand up to your wife and do it now, for your children. You are their example of the way to be a responsible adult. Show them how they should allow others to treat them.

 

 

What do I do? Do I try to save this relationship (I want to), or is she already gone? When does the pain start to get better?

 

By now, you should know, you'll begin healing when you accept and move on.

Edited February 27, 2018 by skywriter

[dannyStL]

Well it finally happened, she moved out last Wed and I now have the house and the kids for the time being. I am utterly devastated and of course have been asking her every night to come back. She said no she is done, it's over, so now I have to find a way to accept that. It appears she is going through a MLC and I pushed her over the edge. She found a tracker I put on her car and became irate. I guess I have become a stalker, and I'm nt proud of myself for that fact. Now I struggle to get out of bed. I still have my job, but on this Saturday morning I am already dreading Monday morning.

[Lowrider93]

Bud she did you a favor, you don't deserve to be treated

like a piece of $hit, suck it up and begin your road to healing.

You might not think that things will get better but just

look at the conditions you were living under.

 

Don't look back!

[dannyStL]

I hear what your saying lowrider, but I haven't been without her for any extended period of time for 13 years. I'm amazed how she can just walk away, I guess because she has OM to comfort her. He's going to be in for a shock when he sees her real side, or maybe it's just me that brings that side out.

[BluesPower]

Well it finally happened, she moved out last Wed and I now have the house and the kids for the time being. I am utterly devastated and of course have been asking her every night to come back. She said no she is done, it's over, so now I have to find a way to accept that. It appears she is going through a MLC and I pushed her over the edge. She found a tracker I put on her car and became irate. I guess I have become a stalker, and I'm nt proud of myself for that fact. Now I struggle to get out of bed. I still have my job, but on this Saturday morning I am already dreading Monday morning.

 

Danny buddy...You knew she was leaving. YOU KNOW SHE HAS BEEN WITH ANOTHER GUY THIS WHOLE TIME.

 

You don't even need to track her anymore. You know she is with another man and you know she was cheating.

 

When are you going to let her go. Because you need to buddy. Now this she is out of the house, maybe you can start to heal a little.

 

None of this is fair, none of it is right, and it all sucks. But you have to move on in a positive way.

 

The thing that you do not realize that is positive is that she is GONE. Thank your lucky stars and try to heal...

[dannyStL]

Blues it doesn't feel so lucky. She wont discuss the bills, kids, or anything else. I cant cover the bills on my own, and bad credit will cost me my job. I'm really in a tough spot.

[Lowrider93]

It's time to get the courts to rule in your favor, I'm not a

Lawyer but if she abandons her children get the courts to recognize

this and award you sole custody, then file for child support.

 

Protect your parental rights first.