Completely Broke

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sitting here struggling. I go back and fourth between letting her go, and fighting for the family. The jacked up part is she's still talking to him, so what am I fighting for? A life with 0 trust? I have three more days on vacation with her then a 13 hour trip back to town. I think at that point I'm going to do the 180 and see where the chips fall. I'm tired, sad, mad, and falling behind at work. I don't know how to whip this, I think mainly because I can't remember how to be single. I have reconnected with some old friends and am going to church with them next week. I was invited by my brother in law to drink tonight, but avoided it like the plague, because it will only end in something bad. I can't imagine the feelings I have now compounded by booze. She actually texted her friend that she hates me and the kids, how can a mother hate her children?

 

You need to adjust your expectations. This isn't something you can get over in a day, a week, or a month. You're unfortunately going to have to go THROUGH it, slowly, to get to the other side . Expecting to "whip it" is only going to cause you more frustration. Accept it for what it is - a huge betrayal and a REALLY awful thing to have had happen to you. You don't just "whip" stuff like this.

 

Good on you for not drinking

[Marc878]

I checked her phone last night and it appears she told her friend she broke off the affair because she doesn't want to bring that drama to her family. She still talked about moving out in May, but it appears the guy wouldn't give her the relationship she wanted, he didn't want to be seen in public with her, and didn't want to acknowledge the relationship at work. This is an interesting development to say the least. We leave for Texas in the morning, I figured I would go and try to give my kids one last good holiday. My 12 year old daughter started crying tonight and told me she knows something is wrong. She said she hates her mom and knows she is breaking up the family. Me being me, I told her that her mom loves her, and there has been no decisions made. I told her that her mom and I are going through a rough spot, and were trying to work things out. I told her she can talk to me and the school counselor anytime she wants. I feel terrible lying to her, telling her everything is going to be ok. Anyway, long story short I know she still has feelings for the guy, and they work together, so I could never really trust her again. My mind tells me to sell the house, but my heart tells me to work it out. I cant afford the house without her salary so I am going to have to move back to where I grew up (****hole) and the kids are going to have a culture shock. I haven't had a chance to consult an attorney yet, but I have managed to save up a $1000 retainer.

 

Then stop. The kids are going to go through this too.

 

Many times they blame themselves. Don't let that happen

[dannyStL]

I hear you Marc, and your advice isn't falling on deaf ears. My mind is finally saying to get rid of her, although my heart says keep her. It's a struggle.

[Marc878]

It's a confusing time. Always is in infidelity.

 

Only you can keep you where you are. Most can't understand that but only you gets to control you. As you've seen you sure can't make her do anything.

 

Read up on the 180 and apply it

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

If you can't you'll just linger where you are. Some stay in this for a couple years or more because they don't take control of themselves.

 

It's all you can do.

 

You're here for a reason. Put the advice, etc into use.

 

What you've been doing has gotten you what?

[Marc878]

I hear you Marc, and your advice isn't falling on deaf ears. My mind is finally saying to get rid of her, although my heart says keep her. It's a struggle.

 

you don't have her. Until you let that go it'll just control you.

 

Don't worry about pushing her away. She already left.

 

Have you tried exposure?

[aliveagain]

Your wasting your time waiting for her to come to her senses, if your wife hates you and your children, there is nothing to save. Give her what she wants, the boot. Treat her with the respect she deserves, let your lawyer deal with her. Get your children into counselling because they can feel the lack of love from their mother. The sooner you get her out the sooner all of you can heal.

[Cullenbohannon]

The mother of your children was willing to swap her children for his.

 

If you still want to fight for her, the first thing you should do is go out and find a very big rock. Tell the rock that you love her, want to reconcile and need for her to love you back. Now sit there and wait for that rock to give you a big hug.

 

Why would I post such stupidly, outside of 3 beers and her 4 shots? Because when you put trading away your children, hating them, a affair and wanting to work it out in the same sentence, that what you get...Stupidity. Not you per say, just the thought pattern.

 

SNAP OUT OF IT. This person is a danger to your children. Not in the future, but right now. You need to get out of the lovey dovey and look at that stranger who just said they hate your kids.

 

What are you thinking man.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[dannyStL]

The mother of your children was willing to swap her children for his.

 

If you still want to fight for her, the first thing you should do is go out and find a very big rock. Tell the rock that you love her, want to reconcile and need for her to love you back. Now sit there and wait for that rock to give you a big hug.

 

Why would I post such stupidly, outside of 3 beers and her 4 shots? Because when you put trading away your children, hating them, a affair and wanting to work it out in the same sentence, that what you get...Stupidity. Not you per say, just the thought pattern.

 

SNAP OUT OF IT. This person is a danger to your children. Not in the future, but right now. You need to get out of the lovey dovey and look at that stranger who just said they hate your kids.

 

 

 

What are you thinking man.

 

That's an interesting way to put it. I'm actually sitting beside her with her. Feet on my lap while I type this. What's really jacked up is we had sex, "again", last night. That makes 4 times since we "broke up" at the beginning of November. I think that's part of what makes this all so confusing. I have caught her talking to this guy the whole time we've been together down her. I think I'm ready for the 180 starting Sunday when we return. I have to fix a few things on the house before I can sell it. I just don't understand where my girl of 13 years went. Then the hate for her kids, that's insane. I hope to report back Monday that the 180 is in full effect.

[Marc878]

The 180 only works if you apply it fully.

[Cullenbohannon]

Disregard

 

Carry on.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[littleblackheart]

Sorry you're going through this, danny.

 

It sounds like a time-out away from it all would do you good, so you can take stock of what is happening to you without the constant reminder, and maybe take the time to get legal advice.

 

Do you have someone you can stay with for the w/e, or get them to stay over at yours for a bit? A caring third party can be just the ticket to help you sort your head out.

[dannyStL]

The 180 only works if you apply it fully.

 

Problem is we live in the same home, I have nowhere to go and neither does she

[basil67]

Problem is we live in the same home, I have nowhere to go and neither does she

 

And your kids will be there witnessing this 180. Can you imagine how horrible it would be for them to live in a situation where you're not talking to their mother? I cannot begin to understand why you would inflict this toxic response on them after all they are already going through.

 

End it properly by throwing her out. The fact that she has nowhere to go is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. After she's gone, you and the children can start the long road of recovery.

[dannyStL]

And your kids will be there witnessing this 180. Can you imagine how horrible it would be for them to live in a situation where you're not talking to their mother? I cannot begin to understand why you would inflict this toxic response on them after all they are already going through.

 

End it properly by throwing her out. The fact that she has nowhere to go is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. After she's gone, you and the children can start the long road of recovery.

 

Because I can't legally throw her out once she has established residence over 7 days and receives her mail there.

[Marc878]

When you feed a cake eater they just want more cake.

[dannyStL]

Went to Texas, had an amazing time. Held hands, played with the kids, hung out with family, and talked about how much we cared about each other. Then a check of the phone records revealed she called the guy the entire time we were down there. When we got back she immediately jumped in her car and went to work(confirmed). She talked to the guy on her phone for 71 minutes then after work came home and payed in bed with me, and had sex with me. The five days we were in Texas we had sex 4 times. I realize no matter what I do this guy has a hold on her. I believe she is somewhat conflicted about what to do. My mind says I'm done with her, my heart says she's the mother of my children. I am getting better, because even though I care that she is calling this other guy, it doesn't hurt as bad, it's not debilitating. I want to sell the house and us go our separate ways, I offered to give her half the equity, she got upset and said no, we have to wait until May so it doesn't mess up the kids school year. I also told her I was downsizing my car to save $300 a month in payments and she said no, don't do that. I don't get why she cares, or why she doesn't want me to sell the house and go our separate ways. My sister is convinced that the other guy is exciting and a thrill, but that I am still her comfort when she feels bad and needs a safe place. After our second child she developed gestational diabetes and her sugar levels are in the 500s. I rub her legs, feet, make her dinner, take dinner to her work, and take care of her in general. We are apparently both stuck in this house until May. We work opposite shifts so we only see each other a few hours each day if I work it that way. I've decided to do the 180 as best I can with living in the same house. No dinner, foot rubs, sex, begging her to stay, or hanging out. I'm not sure if I should confront her on calling this other guy. My mind says let it go, my heart says fight for your family, but as you said if she isn't invested, I can't do it on my own.

[d0nnivain]

You have to give her an ultimatum: either she gets rid of him or you get rid of her.

[dannyStL]

You have to give her an ultimatum: either she gets rid of him or you get rid of her.

 

 

Took your advice, she got rid of him, showed me the text conversation. The issue is that she slept with another man, mind you we were separated at the time, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again.

[Marc878]

Maybe. Only time will tell.

 

Cheaters lie a lot.

[Purepony]

Thanks for the post, I hear everything your saying, and have already started preparing my finances for the end result. Whats jacked up is she wants to stay in the house until May, and she wants to be my friend. She says she loves me, I am the father of her children, that we will always be in each others lives, blah blah blah, but she is calling this ****tard every day. I am angry, and my anger has me on the verge of doing **** I shouldn't. If she would just leave it would be better, I wouldn't see her ****. The problem is she wants to stay until May telling me that the kids need to finish the school year. I explained that the kids will be ****ed up no matter what time of year it is. For 13 years we told them what was happening to their friends, would never happen to us, that we were a team, all B.S. I offered to sell the house and give her half the equity $50,000 and she could go on her way, she freaked out and said "do whatever the **** you want then". Why, if you don't love me, would you not take the $50,000 and leave? We live in a neighborhood that is highly desireable, so our house would be sold in less than 30 days. I hurt because of all that we shared, and now all that sharing seems like a lie, and how can a woman leave her kids?

 

 

 

If you can get away with keeping the equity for your house keep it why would you give someone like that a half of anything?

 

I had a friend of mine in a similar situation they were together 20 years when she left he told her she can take what she came with which was a suitcase! She got lucky she took the suitcase and an older car he had bought her.... Sure enough a few years later he found out she was cheating on him before she left

[dannyStL]

Today marks over 1 month since this all began. I a still hurting something terrible inside. I am finally making some progress at work, I am lucky they understand and have stuck with me. I have tried to fix the situation, change things that are wrong with me, and cater to her every need. I started talking to a girl on an online dating site once I found out she was still messaging the guy over Thanksgiving, I also recorded her blowing up on the kids, she found out that I introduced myself to another woman, and that I recorded her, and blew up. I asked where this put us and if we were done, or were still working on our relationship. She said "I'm still here aint I?" but now she makes comments about being recorded. I really just recorded her for my own reasons, I wanted to remind myself what was wrong with the relationship, and that she flips out on the kids. I tend to think only of the good times, and needed a bad time on tape to try and get my mind right. Now she has twisted the blame for the breakup onto me, and has taken the focus off her having an affair with another man. After a month I am tired, don't know where we stand, and don't know what to do. I have small moments of clarity where I realize when shes gone "working overtime" things are calm, the kids are less on edge, although they miss their mom. I then have moments where I miss her terribly. I have been to some dark places in my mind, even though I know the kids need me. When does this get better?

[Marc878]

Today marks over 1 month since this all began. I a still hurting something terrible inside. I am finally making some progress at work, I am lucky they understand and have stuck with me. I have tried to fix the situation, change things that are wrong with me, and cater to her every need. I started talking to a girl on an online dating site once I found out she was still messaging the guy over Thanksgiving, I also recorded her blowing up on the kids, she found out that I introduced myself to another woman, and that I recorded her, and blew up. I asked where this put us and if we were done, or were still working on our relationship. She said "I'm still here aint I?" but now she makes comments about being recorded. I really just recorded her for my own reasons, I wanted to remind myself what was wrong with the relationship, and that she flips out on the kids. I tend to think only of the good times, and needed a bad time on tape to try and get my mind right. Now she has twisted the blame for the breakup onto me, and has taken the focus off her having an affair with another man. After a month I am tired, don't know where we stand, and don't know what to do. I have small moments of clarity where I realize when shes gone "working overtime" things are calm, the kids are less on edge, although they miss their mom. I then have moments where I miss her terribly. I have been to some dark places in my mind, even though I know the kids need me. When does this get better?

 

Trying to nice them back is the worse thing you can do. She’s walked all over you and will continue to do so.

 

Better wake up.

 

Cheaters lie. I doubt the affair is over just because she made a grand show in front of you.

[dannyStL]

Looks like your right again Marc, she called him last night and they talked for an hour, he called her this morning, they talked for 30 minutes. All this while she says she wants to spend a day out with me and the kids, makes no sense, why doesn't she just leave and go with the guy at this point? Why spend anytime with me?

[Marc878]

Looks like your right again Marc, she called him last night and they talked for an hour, he called her this morning, they talked for 30 minutes. All this while she says she wants to spend a day out with me and the kids, makes no sense, why doesn't she just leave and go with the guy at this point? Why spend anytime with me?

 

Because you are allowing it.

 

Take yourself out of the equation.

 

If he's married you should inform his wife. That's the surest way to end an affair.

 

Not guaranteed but all you have

[BTDT2012]

Are you in a common law state? If not, you owe her none of the equity. If the kids remain with you, she owes you child support. No need to wait until May, putting yourself in agony. Find out the process for eviction, and follow it. If the AP is married, inform his wife. So sorry that you are in this position.