Wife caught again

[Vonfused1976]

I need som advice please as I’m losing my mind. I have been married for almost 17 years now. We have had our ups and downs. About 9 years ago she had an affair. Said it was emotional but I alway thought otherwise. Then dummy me had one about 2 years after that. Not sure if it was in retaliation or what but it happened. About a year ago I caught her texting another man again. She broke it off and quite talking to him. Tonight I found out she was doing it again.

 

We had a big fight about three weeks ago and I thought we were getting better. I have made sure I help out more and we even started dating regularly. I am more in love with my wife than I have been in a long time. I just don’t think I can ever trust her again. That’s if she even still wants to be together. I’m in limbo at the moment because she doesn’t know that I know and won’t until morning. Help please any advice?

[Darren Steez]

Divorce.

 

Then divorce again

[Vonfused1976]

You saying there isn’t any hope for this and I should get a divorce and should have already?

[S2B]

You saying there isn’t any hope for this and I should get a divorce and should have already?

 

Sure, there's no trust and lots of cheating so you really have no marriage worth considering.

 

Why you love someone still that's disrespected you this much is beyond me.

 

Gain your self respect and leave with it intact.

 

Learn to live in a healthy relationship - one with trust and honor.

 

Get professional help if you need to learn what that looks like.

[coolheadal]

You saying there isn’t any hope for this and I should get a divorce and should have already?

 

Wait a second didn't you say you had cheated on her as well? 17 years of marriage she grown away from you. Want's to try someone new. You did the same thing. Why do you stay in a married you both are not really into each other 100%. Like more 10% now. Texting other men. I had one of these women 3 of them. Still married but told me he wasn't working out with her and the husband. Lied..Yours wants someone else. There is something your not doing that excites her or just that she's bore and wants something new in her life. Then time to divorce her so she can do that new thing and you can leave without cheating as well.

[BaileyB]

I have no advice to offer except to say that trust, honesty, and fidelity are non-negotiable in my relationship. Without these things, there would be no marriage for me.

 

It depends what you want for your life and what you value in your marriage and your partner... This kind of infidelity from both partners... Well, people who truly love each other and are committed to their marriage don't do these kinds of things. This wouldn't be a marriage worth saving for me.

[Marc878]

She’s a serial cheater. They never stop.

 

Your lack of any action says you accept this.

 

You are expecting something you’ll never have with her.

 

This will be your future life.

[smackie9]

You know what...you forgave her 9 years ago, then you had an affair 7 years ago, and now the behavior is repeating it's self with cheating and lies. You two have fixed nothing or maintained your relationship.

She's cheating because she is unhappy....cut her loose.

[chinadiary]

17 years is a long time. You need to find out some things.

 

Does SHE love YOU (you've already said you love her)?

 

Does she REALLY want to stay married? Really????

 

 

 

If she says yes to both things, you two need to get into marriage therapy. Fast. And you both need to be 100% honest with each other about why you keep messing up. Why does she keep having affairs? Why do you keep putting your marriage on the back burner?

 

 

I know it's because I'm old, and I've had my heart broken by the only man I've ever wanted to be with, BUT it drives me crazy when people who love each other and are lucky enough to be together mess it up. Value what you have! Stop risking what a lot of us would give our eye teeth for.

[OatsAndHall]

Bottom line; the trust has been broken in the relationship. And, it sounds like it goes both ways as you had an affair as well. You've already embroiled yourself in a vicious cycle; she cheated, you cheated and now she is cheating again.. This cycle has been going on for a decade and I personally don't see an end to any of it.

 

I would have divorce papers ready next week. I know that is a difficult thing to read and to contemplate but it's time for things to end once a that trust has been broken in a relationship.

 

You say that you're more in love with her than ever but I don't think that will continue to be the case if you catch her sleeping with another man again.

[Space Ritual]

I need som advice please as I’m losing my mind. I have been married for almost 17 years now. We have had our ups and downs. About 9 years ago she had an affair. Said it was emotional but I alway thought otherwise. Then dummy me had one about 2 years after that. Not sure if it was in retaliation or what but it happened. About a year ago I caught her texting another man again. She broke it off and quite talking to him. Tonight I found out she was doing it again.

 

We had a big fight about three weeks ago and I thought we were getting better. I have made sure I help out more and we even started dating regularly. I am more in love with my wife than I have been in a long time. I just don’t think I can ever trust her again. That’s if she even still wants to be together. I’m in limbo at the moment because she doesn’t know that I know and won’t until morning. Help please any advice?

 

So sorry this happened to you.

 

Right now you must understand what you are dealing with is an unremorseful wife, and a serial cheater.

 

I know you love her. But that isn't enough to keep her brokeness at bay.

 

Please understand you did nothing wrong but be a human being who fell in love. I am all for reconciliation if you have 2 that are willing to try it. If she had demonstrated some remorse the first time after being shown some true consequences, things might have been different.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you have been playing the Pick Me Dance, which may initially be a move to plug a few leaks in the marriage, but it never stops the boat from sinking. The Wayward generally loses a ton of respect for the person playing the dance, for in their eyes, doing so is seen as weakness and an invitation to rug sweep and carry on as if nothing happened.

 

I am sorry, but you have nothing to work with...that is, except a Lawyer.

 

The only way some marriages can be saved is by being willing to walk away from them.

 

 

So have her served with Papers.

 

1 of 2 things will happen.

 

1) she will either come to her senses after realizing the jig is up..

 

Or...

 

2) She won't.

 

You have sacrificed your dignity for far too long, and believe me, life is far too short to do so. No use in being in a crappy marriage when you are still young enough to fond someone who will love you and honor your vows.

 

File. And then expose her to family and friends. And if this other man is married or has a girlfriend, inform them too. And don't just threaten your wife to do that, you do it without telling her. She deserves no advance warning...

 

Remember, she has fired you from the job of husband, no need to give her a 2 week notice you are leaving when you've already been sacked by her actions.

 

Affairs are like cockroaches. They thrive in the dark and are only sent running in another direction when exposed to light.

 

Get out of this darkness and into the light.

 

Let her be somebody else's problem.

[kendahke]

I am more in love with my wife than I have been in a long time. I just don’t think I can ever trust her again. That’s if she even still wants to be together. I’m in limbo at the moment because she doesn’t know that I know and won’t until morning. Help please any advice?

 

I don't think the decision to be together should be anywhere near her side. She's proven that she's a bald faced liar--there is no life with a liar. Do you want the last 30 years of your life to be with someone who you know today you will never be able to trust?

 

Your next conversation should be with a lawyer, not with her. Go file then come back and tell her. That is how she deserves to find out.

 

Don't waste any more of your youth behind this woman, love or no. You can love her and not be with her.

Edited November 12, 2017 by kendahke

[aliveagain]

If you don't make counselling a requirement of reconciliation guess what you can expect more of? Nothing's changed except she's better at hiding her affairs. For some reason you don't seem to be enough to make her stop, maybe a brutal post nuptial is what you need. Three times and your out.

[notbroken]

Why do you want to be married to someone that does that? She is a serial cheater. It is doubtful you will ever trust her again. Trust is a cornerstone to marriage. I don't ask that to be cruel, but it is something you should definitely consider. Read the book 'No More Mr Nice Guy' (which is NOT about being a jerk - it is about what kinds of things have lead you to where you are).

[stillafool]

You saying there isn’t any hope for this and I should get a divorce and should have already?

 

Yes! What is it about your wife that has you more in love with her than ever? Is it the cheating?

[BluesPower]

I have to ask why as well...

 

And as you ponder that question, I am going to give you the standard stuff that we have to give you guys and some women EVERY DAY almost.

 

The first time she was cheating, you "rug swept it", which is absolutely THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when you find yourself a victim of Infidelity.

 

BTW, she was lying, she was sleeping with the guy, but since you were young and inexperience you believed it. That happens to a lot of guys.

 

And just so you know, full disclosure so to speak, her affair lasted longer and they had wild monkey sex as often as they could. Of course she performed sexual favors for him, that she has never performed for you. All standard stuff really.

 

Kudos for you on the revenge affair, I hope you got laid at the very least. And you know that was about the stupidest thing you could have done, but it happens.

 

And in your case it probably made her breath a sigh of relief because she got to take off the scarlet letter. I am betting that "she really took it better than you thought she would". Which, BTW is a further indication that she was having sex with her OM.

 

So now she is having another affair, (Same guy or not?), and of course you believe her that they are not sleeping together. (Same thing as you did last time and look where that got you...)

 

OK, now that all of that is out of the way... What is it about your present marriage to this "wife" what you want to save?

 

I kind of want an answer to that if you could?????

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have to ask why as well...

 

And as you ponder that question, I am going to give you the standard stuff that we have to give you guys and some women EVERY DAY almost.

 

The first time she was cheating, you "rug swept it", which is absolutely THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when you find yourself a victim of Infidelity.

 

BTW, she was lying, she was sleeping with the guy, but since you were young and inexperience you believed it. That happens to a lot of guys.

 

And just so you know, full disclosure so to speak, her affair lasted longer and they had wild monkey sex as often as they could. Of course she performed sexual favors for him, that she has never performed for you. All standard stuff really.

 

Kudos for you on the revenge affair, I hope you got laid at the very least. And you know that was about the stupidest thing you could have done, but it happens.

 

And in your case it probably made her breath a sigh of relief because she got to take off the scarlet letter. I am betting that "she really took it better than you thought she would". Which, BTW is a further indication that she was having sex with her OM.

 

So now she is having another affair, (Same guy or not?), and of course you believe her that they are not sleeping together. (Same thing as you did last time and look where that got you...)

 

OK, now that all of that is out of the way... What is it about your present marriage to this "wife" what you want to save?

 

I kind of want an answer to that if you could?????

 

I second this.

 

The one life lesson I learned the hard way is that sometimes love just isn't enough.

[aliveagain]

Maybe you should talk to her about an open relationship, doesn't sound like either of you is willing to do the hard work to fix what's broken.