Beloved19 Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 I have caught feelings for one of my friends. We used to work together 3-4 years ago. He quit, but we remained in touch over the the last 3 years. And we would have a lot of one on one lunches, dinners and even breakfast together over the years to just catch up. He always would tell me he would be there for me whenever I needed him. And is very respectful and good to me. This last year, our friendship deepened. I opened up to him about certain things. And he is always there to give me uplifting advice. Somewhere along the lines, I realized I had caught some kind of feelings. The problem is that I'm an American woman. And he is a American Muslim man who's parents are immigrants and deeply rooted in their beliefs. I am not sure of how these differences might come between us. We once brought up the topic of dating experiences. And he mentioned to me how his parents would not really approve of him dating someone outside of his culture/religion. BUT he has also told me he has dated other American women outside of his culture. So it was unclear if he would/can/want to get into a serious relationship with a woman outside of his belief system. I don't want to lose him as a friend so I have been suppressing my feelings. But I haven't ever met anyone who treats me with as much respect and is as good to me as he is. I don't know how it happened. But I do get the feeling that he has some kind of feelings there for me too, but maybe he also suppresses them. Or maybe it is just in his culture to be very respectful and as nice to me as he is, and I am just reading everything the wrong way. He always makes an added effort to help me with anything I need. For example, we were taking the same course but at different schools. I asked him a question about the material and he called me right away to try to help me. Another time, I told him I went to a concert alone and he told me that I shouldn't have had to go alone and to always let him know and he will definitely come along the next time. These things really make me admire him and make it hard to not like him. Anyway, I don't want to bring anything up abruptly. As I don't see any reason to rush anything between us, even if there was something going on. I care about him and respect him and i admire the person he is. Because I've never met someone with such good character. But aside from his character, we have a lot in common as far as education/career goals. Which is a big thing for me. He is a funny guy too and we are able to be ourselves with each other. I talk to him how i would talk to any other good friend. He's pretty westernized and he we share a lot in common as far as music and other things we can relate to together. We just come from different backgrounds. Well, I also have done some research. And from what I've researched so far. Muslim men can date/marry non-Muslim women. So maybe, it is just a personal choice about wanting to date someone within his culture. i don't know much other than that. He also does not eat meet or drink alcohol.
BlueIvy Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 Not worth it. He probably dated those American women in secret wihout letting his family know. He already has insinuated his family is close-minded. He himself doesn't drink or eat pork. He might date you but i doubt he will let his family know or take it seriously. 2
Author Beloved19 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 I forgot to mention that while we were discussing his parents disapproval for dating non-Muslim women, he told me that he would be open to the idea of an arranged marriage. Yeah, I think I should cut my losses 1
adna89 Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) Not worth it. He probably dated those American women in secret wihout letting his family know. He already has insinuated his family is close-minded. He himself doesn't drink or eat pork. He might date you but i doubt he will let his family know or take it seriously. It depends ,as muslims exist from all over the world( not meaning immigrants ).I am a european muslim,and in my balkan country we do not have any arranged marriages or anything similar No matter how liberal you are i personally do not believe in mixing reigions or cultures when it comes to marriage,i have seen it too many times fail Edited November 13, 2017 by adna89
Author Beloved19 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 It depends ,as muslims exist from all over the world( not meaning immigrants ).I am a european muslim,and in my balkan country we do not have any arranged marriages or anything similar No matter how liberal you are i personally do not believe in mixing reigions or cultures when it comes to marriage,i have seen it too many times fail Yes he is Pakistani Muslim
Erik30 Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 Unless you're willing to convert, you should probably forget about dating him 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 I forgot to mention that while we were discussing his parents disapproval for dating non-Muslim women, he told me that he would be open to the idea of an arranged marriage. Yeah, I think I should cut my losses I think he mentioned this because he knows that's very likely going to be his situation. Dating non-Muslims might be fine for him, but I doubt he will marry one if his background is traditional and arranged marriage is the norm.
Author Beloved19 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Posted November 13, 2017 I agree. I don't think I really know exactly what I would be getting myself into by marrying into a family with a conservative background. My parents are born here so they grew up westernized. And my grandparents assimilated to the culture here in America. My parents are pretty liberal and so I know that they would support me with whoever I would choose to date or get serious with but I am sure they would agree with most people on here that it is not the best idea. And I should save myself the hurt and trouble. I just wanted to ask opinions. But mostly everyone has agreed and said that they would not recommended it. I don't think I would convert to Muslim. Because I did not grow up with that religion. But I researched and Muslim men do not require their non-Muslim wives to convert. But would want their children to be Muslim. I guess it just depends how strict one is with ones own religion. Being that my friend is born in America I don't know to what degree or how conservative he really is. Or what his views on that would be. I just know that his family seems to be. I just entertained the idea of a relationship with him in my mind. Because as friends we have a great relationship. But I just wanted to ask others opinions who might have more wisdom, knowledge, etc, on the matter. But thank you.
GunslingerRoland Posted November 13, 2017 Posted November 13, 2017 Honestly he's already told you that he dates women in secret from his family if they are non Muslim... is that the kind of relationship you want? it doesn't get better over time... And culture has a lot of factors besides religion, even if you were willing to convert, depending on where his family is from, you still might not be what they are expecting for him.
normal person Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 And is very respectful and good to me. This last year, our friendship deepened. I opened up to him about certain things. And he is always there to give me uplifting advice. Somewhere along the lines, I realized I had caught some kind of feelings. If you like him just because he's respectful and good, then that's sort of a low bar, isn't it? I can never quite follow the logic of people who like other people just because they were nice to them. It seems sort of insufficient. But I do get the feeling that he has some kind of feelings there for me too, but maybe he also suppresses them. Is this what you think, or what you want? Or maybe it is just in his culture to be very respectful and as nice to me as he is, and I am just reading everything the wrong way. I won't say anything about this guy specifically, because he could be perfectly nice for all I know, and I'm not trying to start a religious war, but you should do some Googling about how Islamic cultures treat women and then see if you still think his respectfulness is a function of his culture and not necessarily his own character, or even if you're interpreting this "respectfulness" correctly. I'm not saying this is the case, but I can imagine a scenario where he doesn't want you to go somewhere alone, you thinking that's "respectful," and him thinking it's mandatory subjugation a la Saudi Arabia, where it's illegal for women to go outside without a male family member. They weren't allowed to drive up until a few weeks ago. Again, not saying it's the case, but if his culture is that big of an influence on him, it's not out of the realm of possibility. Islamic culture can be incredibly oppressive towards women by western standards, so just keep that in mind.
Miss Spider Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 I have caught feelings for one of my friends. We used to work together 3-4 years ago. He quit, but we remained in touch over the the last 3 years. And we would have a lot of one on one lunches, dinners and even breakfast together over the years to just catch up. He always would tell me he would be there for me whenever I needed him. And is very respectful and good to me. This last year, our friendship deepened. I opened up to him about certain things. And he is always there to give me uplifting advice. Somewhere along the lines, I realized I had caught some kind of feelings. The problem is that I'm an American woman. And he is a American Muslim man who's parents are immigrants and deeply rooted in their beliefs. I am not sure of how these differences might come between us. We once brought up the topic of dating experiences. And he mentioned to me how his parents would not really approve of him dating someone outside of his culture/religion. BUT he has also told me he has dated other American women outside of his culture. So it was unclear if he would/can/want to get into a serious relationship with a woman outside of his belief system. I don't want to lose him as a friend so I have been suppressing my feelings. But I haven't ever met anyone who treats me with as much respect and is as good to me as he is. I don't know how it happened. But I do get the feeling that he has some kind of feelings there for me too, but maybe he also suppresses them. Or maybe it is just in his culture to be very respectful and as nice to me as he is, and I am just reading everything the wrong way. He always makes an added effort to help me with anything I need. For example, we were taking the same course but at different schools. I asked him a question about the material and he called me right away to try to help me. Another time, I told him I went to a concert alone and he told me that I shouldn't have had to go alone and to always let him know and he will definitely come along the next time. These things really make me admire him and make it hard to not like him. Anyway, I don't want to bring anything up abruptly. As I don't see any reason to rush anything between us, even if there was something going on. I care about him and respect him and i admire the person he is. Because I've never met someone with such good character. But aside from his character, we have a lot in common as far as education/career goals. Which is a big thing for me. He is a funny guy too and we are able to be ourselves with each other. I talk to him how i would talk to any other good friend. He's pretty westernized and he we share a lot in common as far as music and other things we can relate to together. We just come from different backgrounds. Well, I also have done some research. And from what I've researched so far. Muslim men can date/marry non-Muslim women. So maybe, it is just a personal choice about wanting to date someone within his culture. i don't know much other than that. He also does not eat meet or drink alcohol. Yes, but his parents probably won't approve. I have a friend who dated a Muslim man who had fallen away from his beliefs but his parents were strict Muslimx
guest569 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Or maybe it is just in his culture to be very respectful and as nice to me as he is, and I am just reading everything the wrong way. Or because he is your friend? You must have awful friends if you are so surprised at being treated kindly and being respected. Do you actually find yourself attracted to him physically and romantically? It strikes me as odd that you are looking beyond friendship just because he is nice. Anyway, if you have genuine feelings for him, can you carry on a friendship while he goes on to marry someone else? If not, I say strike now while you're both single, see if the feeling is mutual. If it is, see what happens. ask the questions then. But in the meantime isn't it kind of pointless to worry and generalise ?? Of course Muslim people marry outside of their religion. It is a matter of firstly, whether he is interested in you. Second, how big of a deal it is if his parents don't approve. Will they get over it? Will he let them rule his life?
2much4 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Why don't you just ask him? We can't tell you how conservative he is or if he's likely to have an arranged marriage. Inform yourself about his culture/religion, watch his behaviour and listen to what he says. Where I live there's a LOT of moslems, only the very conservative ones have arranged marriages.
elaine567 Posted November 14, 2017 Posted November 14, 2017 Why don't you just ask him? We can't tell you how conservative he is or if he's likely to have an arranged marriage. Inform yourself about his culture/religion, watch his behaviour and listen to what he says. He already said he would be open to an arranged marriage.
Recommended Posts