basil67 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 OK, I know I'm showing my age. And possibly my culture. But is the reason people multi date because of GIGS? Or FOMO? Or because they are broken and don't want to risk their heart or emotions? Or is it just sheer desperation? How are you supposed to get to know a person if they are just one of many you're churning through via dating sites? It's consumerism gone mad. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 What's FOMO? When I was a little girl I peeked into some of my mother's old love-and-relationship books, which implied that in the past it was really common for people to be casually dating multiple options, and that Going Steady as an actual boyfriend/girlfriend thing was therefore a clear advancement to a new stage. The books suggested that the STD/AIDS panic of the 80s/90s changed that dynamic and pushed people into being more likely to go "serious or nothing" with dating. And then as that became less frightening, people moved back to casual dating again. There's nothing wrong with going on a few casual dates to work out if you're really interested in someone or not before pursuing anything serious. These people meeting through dating programs are often total strangers. It's not reasonable to expect them to dive straight into a committed relationship. That said there are still certain issues of manners. There is some story doing the rounds of a guy who tried to set up about seven dates in one day, all at the same bar, like some kind of interview process. Unfortunately the early girls caught on and started sticking around to intercept his next date and tell them the story. Instead of improving his odds of getting a good date, he ended up making a long list of women hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 My only advice to other guys or ladies here: you have found your match. Hold on to them and be happy! GIGS is good for talking vacations and different countries. I was never much guilty of GIGS regarding dating, as I am a man with limited options. I simply cant afford to be super picky or date up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 FOMO - fear of missing out. The difference between your mother's journals and my experience could be the cultural issue I mentioned in my first post. Back when I was dating in the early 80's only those with dubious morals would see more than one person at a time. It was basically considered cheating. Mind you, we didn't really date complete strangers. It would usually be someone we'd already met at an event and built a rapport with. To counter the normality of your mom's diary: Back in the 50's my dad was *very casually* seeing three women. All three women individually decided to come and watch him at a swim meet. The women all found each other while waiting at the finish line of a distance event. (those at the end with stopwatches thought it was hilarous) Dad had nobody to take to the dance that night because they were all very put out at his behaviour. Being exclusive does not equal commitment. It just means you're seeing one person at a time. Commitment comes after you've spent many months in an exclusive relationship and are confident that you want to take it further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 Also, curious about the age of those responding and how it changes attitudes. I'm 50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 My only advice to other guys or ladies here: you have found your match. Hold on to them and be happy! GIGS is good for talking vacations and different countries. I was never much guilty of GIGS regarding dating, as I am a man with limited options. I simply cant afford to be super picky or date up. My sentiments exactly. Just as I wouldn't leave the last pair of fabulous shoes on the shelf while I go think about it, I wouldn't leave a great guy waiting and hope he's still available in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Yep, people can be perfectly content in a relationship but see all the new dating apps, social media and fb and try "shopping more". The they say "we lost our spark" and move on to the next thing. Plus I think there is also this culture that you should have multiple partners or bf/gf before you find the one, because for some reason you can't possibly get it right the first time.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I don't agree most people leave because they think they can do better. I don't think most people are like that or operate that way. Once they find something great, they usually want to keep it. The problem is on OLD there isn't too much great. Not enough to wow, so why not keep looking around 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Insecurity and indecisiveness... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 My last time scouring OLD was about 7 months ago and one lady even mentioned in her profile ''I am here because there is no other ways to meet men anymore.'' Nerds. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I don't think I'm socially deranged because I multidate, I'm simply a guy hedging my bets. I've gone from having 3 dates lined up for a weekend only to have them all flake out. I've had 3 dates happen in a weekend only to not want to see any of them again. I've dated women who seemed great for a few weeks and turned into very undesirable people I had to get rid of. I've dated some that were able to keep up a facade for a few months. This is all new to me as when I dated in my 20s I would typically focus on one girl at a time. Dating has completely changed now that Ive reached my 40s (and using OLD). Women seem to multidate more than men (on OLD anyway) as they have a plethora of options to do so and typically don't spend any money when going on dates. I don't think it has to do with GIGS (for me anyway), it's the difficulty of finding someone compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 OK, I know I'm showing my age. And possibly my culture. But is the reason people multi date because of GIGS? Or FOMO? Or because they are broken and don't want to risk their heart or emotions? Or is it just sheer desperation? How are you supposed to get to know a person if they are just one of many you're churning through via dating sites? It's consumerism gone mad. I generally don't like to be a cane shaking, younger generational critic... And I am not even saying its necessarily a "problem"... For people our age group, what you refer to is kind of a foreign concept...But I do think that this aspect of male/female dating/courting is just part of who they(the under 35 group) are...Perhaps they just don't put as much value in it??...I dunno...But hear me out on this.. ALL of my same age relatives live within a 40 mile radius of one another...Many are actually very close, both in relations and proximity, and our parents were/are the same..The children of my generation though are far different....Most of them have moved away(some very far), and really don't visit all that often(just Christmas/Thanksgiving)...It would have been unimaginable to be that far from our parents, but its not an issue for them... Also...I have customers that have been with me from the beginning...They would never go anywhere else-loyal to the core....We have a relationship that goes beyond customer/merchant...Ive been invited to functions, etc...I do the same with the people I do business with....Its works and I don't care if someone else is cheaper or may be different somehow...Unless they burn me or treat me poorly, I stay.. They tell their kids to continue the trend, but they have no loyalty to me or anyone really...they just look up someone on their phone and may shop for any reason, but never seem to develop any lasting relationships on that end..They jump from one to another... I can easily see how this carries on to dating....Why be loyal to anyone? There could always be better out there...Don't put eggs in one basket, blah, blah... .02 TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author basil67 Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 Oh no! I've turned into a cane shaking old lady. Gah! Will post more later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 [...]The problem is on OLD there isn't too much great. Not enough to wow, so why not keep looking around OLD is the path of least resistance. The butt does not have to get off the couch to arrange a date, so once cannot necessarily expect that the other person puts more effort into it. But in the end OLD does not create different people, yet you may connect with a different subset of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I multidated when I was younger (born 78’) I don’t think its because of some acronym – the truth this the guys I multidated were just “alright”. Maybe we had certain things in common, maybe I had fun when I was with him. There was always SOMETHING that kept me from wanting to be particularly serious about him, and I think for the most part he would say the same about me. I considered it a place holder, get to know them, have fun, learn about them and myself, and relationships. Just not someone I wanted to put all my eggs in one basket for. I was multi dating when I met my now husband. I was really clear and up front with him about it – and in a few short weeks it became very apparent he WAS someone I wanted to invest in and forsake all the others – and that was the end of my multidating. I don’t regret those years at all. I learned so much about myself, about relationships, about my sexuality. Multi-dating didn’t prevent me from finding my match, and when I did, I didn’t have any more desire to multi-date. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I agree with you as far as OLD is concerned. The problem is, humans are creatures of habit. Form a habit of always looking around for someone different and you might ruin the chance at something meaningful because of your habit. That's true..It is addictive. It's fun. There's meaning that comes from a relationship and there's meaning that comes with dating around. Different meaning, but meaningful nonetheless. I don't think it will hinder my ability to be impressed by someone when the time comes, I find the right person, and I'm ready for that. I think when I find that person, I will stop thinking about everyone else. Like how I felt about my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 (edited) I understand but I don't think I would feel that temptation if I found the right guy. Edited November 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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