lynnspies1 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 After they just celebrated their 50th anniversary, my in-laws just announced that they are splitting up. My father in-law is the one that wants the separation and is talking divorce. He says that he is a more active person and my mother in-law is more passive. He wants to do all of these things that she is not interested in and he is going to go do them. He even said he would like to find someone to do them with and spend his remaining years happy. The whole family is shocked and my mother in-law is devastated, she is 73 years old, never worked, has few interests. She has no idea what she is going to do. I don't even know what to say to her. I feel so bad for her after all these years of supporting him and raising the kids practically on her own. It just seems so unfair. Any suggestions on books or ideas I could pass on to her would be great. Thanks, Lynn Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 my heart goes out to your family, Lynn -- divorce is never easy, and I imagine the kids (your husband and his sibs) must be devasted as well as blindsided by the news. my grandparents also divorced after a long, long marriage (63 years), I never knew the reason why, and because I was already away at college, I wasn't there to see how my granny handled it. Like your MiL, she raised the kids pretty much single-handedly while my grandpa worked ... I don't what kind of practical advice to give except to just shower her with love and support however it's needed. Also, look into having her minister or pastor meet with her from time to time, make sure she retains a good lawyer so the he doesn't screw her out of anything that's due her, and try to get her interested in outside activities/hobbies so that she's not brooding about the impending divorce. give her an extra-big hug from the LoveShack gang, okay? quank Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 Get her kids to kick her old butt and tell her to go along with him on his adventures. She's not dead yet! She just forgot how to live. Sorry, I can't imagine what this must be like after 50 years of marriage....and I never will. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 Originally posted by lynnspies1 After they just celebrated their 50th anniversary, my in-laws just announced that they are splitting up. My father in-law is the one that wants the separation and is talking divorce. He says that he is a more active person and my mother in-law is more passive. He wants to do all of these things that she is not interested in and he is going to go do them. He even said he would like to find someone to do them with and spend his remaining years happy. The whole family is shocked and my mother in-law is devastated, she is 73 years old, never worked, has few interests. She has no idea what she is going to do. I don't even know what to say to her. I feel so bad for her after all these years of supporting him and raising the kids practically on her own. It just seems so unfair. Any suggestions on books or ideas I could pass on to her would be great. Thanks, Lynn Wow, this is shocking/bizarre to say the least!! Maybe it's something that will eventually pass after he experiences some time "on the road" traveling by himself? Maybe he is trying to push for her to actually be more active in this action? I'm shooting from the hip here, however it seems like this relationship is something you shouldn't make open comments about though. Also it was probably a long time coming so it would do little good anyway. If it were your parents it might be easer to ask why the heck they would do this after 50th? I know in NYS, you can't get a divorce without consent from the other person. However after 7 years one can file officially without it. You know him better than us, perhaps someone approaching him from the right angle will help steer away from this action? Instead of giving him the "you are hurting us sob story", maybe telling him that it's not in his best interest to this because of the consequences that everyone else will incur in picking up the pieces of his actions will certainly result in alienating him from the family. At his age, that might not be the wisest thing to do. good luck though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lynnspies1 Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 I should have said that for years she has dealt with agorophobea ( ? spelling, fear of going anywhere) and was crippled by it at times in her younger years. She has done well in the last 10 years being able to go to exercise almost daily, shopping and such. The issue she has now is she has type 2 diabetes and really has a hard time with pain in her legs. She has a hard time keeping up with him, but has said she would do her best rather then loose her life long companion. The bigger issue I see is that my FIL has four adult children with spouses and 9 grandchildren that love everything he likes to do. We have nagged him over the years to do the things he likes to do with us. He wants to share them with someone he loves like a husband should love his wife and he just does not feel that way about her any longer. He refused to go to MC, saying it is too late. We of course thought there might be someone else or that he might have some terminal illness and is not telling us. He says that that is not the case. Thanks for the insight, we are urging her to get into IC and she is active in her church so I know it will just take time. Lynn Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 It sounds like he is tired of hanging around for her sake, and maybe has some resentment that built up over the years. I know of a few older couples who don't share the same retirement dreams but they don't divorce over it. One partner will do the travelling and adventure thing while the other is happy to stay home, happy they don't have to go along on the adventure and be miserable. There are alot of seniors tours he could choose this over finding a new partner, if he had any respect for his wife. My friend's father in his 70's has a wife who stays home, and he likes to move. He accepted a "job" to travel to different locations to drive new buses back to his city. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 Originally posted by lynnspies1 I should have said that for years she has dealt with agorophobea ( ? spelling, fear of going anywhere) and was crippled by it at times in her younger years. She has done well in the last 10 years being able to go to exercise almost daily, shopping and such. The issue she has now is she has type 2 diabetes and really has a hard time with pain in her legs. She has a hard time keeping up with him, but has said she would do her best rather then loose her life long companion. The bigger issue I see is that my FIL has four adult children with spouses and 9 grandchildren that love everything he likes to do. We have nagged him over the years to do the things he likes to do with us. He wants to share them with someone he loves like a husband should love his wife and he just does not feel that way about her any longer. He refused to go to MC, saying it is too late. We of course thought there might be someone else or that he might have some terminal illness and is not telling us. He says that that is not the case. Thanks for the insight, we are urging her to get into IC and she is active in her church so I know it will just take time. Lynn Ah, I see, so she has been dealing with a SAD (social anxiety disorder) for years. Has it been treated with SSRIs (drugs) and therapy at all? -- and has he tried to help her with any of this or with raising his family? Sounds like he may have already "punched out" of this relationship years ago if he wasn't much of a father and wasn't very supportive (only guessing from what you've said). I'm starting to think that his "newly" found desires are a little strange because you are right, he could easily do these things with other people and at least get some level of satisfaction ? If i'm hearing you right, he has avoided these things all together for years and is now claiming that doing them potentially alone is better than any other option? It seems a bit weird to be having a "mid"-life crisis at his age, but I guess anything is possible.... ps. I would guess that this isn't prompted by his health... Link to post Share on other sites
Freyja Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 I'm sorry to hear that Lynn. You know, this happened to my friends grandparents at the age of 70, this was like few years back. They had some problems and her nan wanted the divorce but after alot of thinking and consulting with their family they decided it's probably best to separate for a while. So thats what they did and after a few months they got back together. Sometimes people jus need a break, regardless of their age. Also, I reckon when theyre at that fragile age they'd want companionship and I don't think they actually would have the energy to go out there and find someone else?? So they'll get back together after a lil separation. Well thats what worked with ym friends grandparents. Could be a option maybe? Anyways hope things get better. Freyja Link to post Share on other sites
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