Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 How important is compatibility in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It's second only to attraction, and even attraction will eventually fail if there's insufficient compatibility. Would you date someone you found physically repulsive? Would you date someone who had contrary moral values? Probably not! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 If you are incompatible you won't want to be in each other's presence. What are you talking about exactly? My husband is an introvert. I'm an extrovert. We're of different political parties. In any relationship there are points of agreement & points of divergence. No two people are going to be exactly matched. It's how you manage the differences that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Well I am motivated whereas he is not. I like to workout and he does not. I sometimes have fun with him but other times I wish I was at home. Is this because I can't let go of my past? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Well I am motivated whereas he is not. I like to workout and he does not. I sometimes have fun with him but other times I wish I was at home. Is this because I can't let go of my past? Your past has nothing to do with his level of motivation. You may not be ready to date. When you do date, some shared interests are important but you don't have to share everything. However, if the things you don't share cause you to look down on the other person, then that person is not a good match for you. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Well I am motivated whereas he is not. I like to workout and he does not. I sometimes have fun with him but other times I wish I was at home. Is this because I can't let go of my past? You nailed it here: motivation. He's not, whether it be career/self-improvement, or personal fitness/health. I don't think this is about your past - it's about having different (incompatible) attitudes towards life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I impress my good habits on him eventually? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I impress my good habits on him eventually? Maybe but probably not. If my partner really loved to work out & tried to encourage me to work out but I didn't want to, I would resent him. My EX was a fastidious clean freak. I'm messy. He thought he was encouraging me to be neater when he would re-do anything I cleaned "the right way". It just made me never want to help with the housework. Never start a relationship where you are going in thinking you can change or improve the other person. If you want a fixer-up project, restore furniture or an old house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Is it normal for me to sometimes enjoy my time with this person and for me to sometimes wish I was doing something else? Could I enjoy my time with him more now that I've let go of my past? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 People are allowed -- dare I say encouraged -- to have varied interests. I love my husband but I don't want to spend every waking moment with him. After a vacation we're both usually looking forward to time apart. A relationship should enhance your life not become your life. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I impress my good habits on him eventually? Don't hold your breath. Instead of being with someone on the chance that they might change someday, why not just date someone who already has the qualities you're looking for? Otherwise it's always going to be an uphill battle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I would like to have my own life. Just with people in the past I couldn't wait to see them again, I couldn't wait to spend more time with them and I wished my time with them are longer. It was like this in the beginning of the relationship though. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I would like to have my own life. Just with people in the past I couldn't wait to see them again, I couldn't wait to spend more time with them and I wished my time with them are longer. It was like this in the beginning of the relationship though. If this guy already can't match up to other people you've dated and you're starting to resent him, why stay with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 You are also probably feeling off right now because your EX used his key to your place & let himself in the other day. I still don't get why you aren't furious over that but the EX's "return" into your space messed with your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I felt this way before he broke in though. I was just wondering what the heck I am feeling. I don't want my ex anymore but this guy is good in some ways but falls short in others. Isn't that true for most couples? You take the good and the bad? We've only seen each other for 4-5 months though. I've been hesitant to invest myself though because of my ex. I'm just wondering if I'm going to a dead end relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 This is what I said in response to your thread about being more open to love: As much as people bash the word "rebound" this guy you have been seeing may have been a transitional relationship for you. He's a good solid guy. You started dating because you liked him, not just because you were afraid to be alone but now a few month in you are seeing things that tell you he's not The One. It's OK that you tried it but didn't chose to continue forever. If he's the guy from your other thread you may have initially become attracted to him because of his unmotivated lower energy; he was easier. It's like your works outs -- you warm up first. He may have been your 1st foray into dating after your last relationship but he doesn't have to the man you spend the rest of your life with. Now that you are stronger & more open to love, you may have gone to a different plane then the guy you are currently with. This relationship may have run it's course Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 So bottom line is. I would have fallen in love with this person regardless of my feelings for my ex and reserving my emotions for this new person, correct? If he was really amazing and someone who was great for me I would have fallen for him and left my ex and would have stopped holding on because I found someone great? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 So bottom line is. I would have fallen in love with this person regardless of my feelings for my ex and reserving my emotions for this new person, correct? If he was really amazing and someone who was great for me I would have fallen for him and left my ex and would have stopped holding on because I found someone great? If you were still happily together with your EX, you never would have known this guy existed. Because you were single & thought you were ready for a new relationship, you tried to date him. Because he is not as intense as your EX was, his calmer energy made it easy for you to try. Now that you are feeling stronger, you see some of what you view as his flaws & points of incompatibility You are questioning the long term potential of this relationship but you aren't quite ready to pull the trigger, end it & go back to being alone. At this point he is more of the classic bad rebound; he's in your life because you know your EX has somebody new & you don't want to be single again. Even if this new guy was absolutely perfect for you, in this, the aftermath of your break up, you may not have been open to it. I don't think the perfect guy was destined to come into your life yet because on some level you aren't ready. When you are more at peace with yourself & less hung up on your EX, then it will be time for you to find a good love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I like him now that I have learned stuff about my ex and how he hurt me and so I can be open to this guy and put in more effort? How long does it take for you to realize you love someone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Could I like him now that I have learned stuff about my ex and how he hurt me and so I can be open to this guy and put in more effort? How long does it take for you to realize you love someone. I always got & needed that instant spark but I recognize that is lust not love I always needed several months to decide I was in love & that I trusted the other person enough to let my guard down. Because you are still comparting him to your EX & making your EX the center of this analysis I don't think you're as open to a new love as you think you are. I also fear you are forcing this. This new guy's lack of motivation, the idea that he doesn't work out the way you do & your hope that you can encourage him to have better habits all indicate to me that you don't respect this guy. It doesn't make either of you bad. It just means that you may be incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Well I am motivated whereas he is not. I like to workout and he does not. I sometimes have fun with him but other times I wish I was at home. Is this because I can't let go of my past? Compatibility in that sense it’s extremely important. Don’t ignore it - you’ll develop toxic resentment to the person sooner than later and it gets very ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Personally I think you should be with someone who gets your heart racing when you see them, whose idiosyncrasies or flaws you're ok overlooking because the good far outweighs the bad. If your person doesn't do that and you're just going to spend your precious time gambling that they some day might, I think you're with the wrong person. Just my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Riot21 Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 Personally I think you should be with someone who gets your heart racing when you see them, whose idiosyncrasies or flaws you're ok overlooking because the good far outweighs the bad. If your person doesn't do that and you're just going to spend your precious time gambling that they some day might, I think you're with the wrong person. Just my opinion. Do you usually know this within the first few months of dating someone?? Link to post Share on other sites
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