Healing from emotional rape? am in a bad way

[Lovehel]

I am angry about putting every single ounce of effort I had in me into a relationship I was promised would never let me down, betray or abandon me, I thought that person I was with was with me for life. I was tricked, conned and was made to be the biggest fool who couldn't see past the lies I was told for years. Less than a month after breaking up he got with someone else and is still with them 8 months later, he told me the whole time I was with him it was just sex, he was with me out of loneliness and couldn't be bothered to find someone else, that I was easy basically and to stop telling myself the love story that it was all bull****. That was when I asked him a few months ago what actually happened.

 

I genuinely thought he loved me and had my best interests at heart, he ****ed me over more than anyone has in my whole life, and I don't trust peoples intentions after this who try and get close to me, my heart will not allow people in, and I don't know how to fix it. My mind is logically like this person is nice they won't **** you over, but my heart says do not make the same mistake and is literally closed with everyone, that is what that situation has caused me, and beyond the anger is immense sadness, that I can't even describe, I am sad for myself that I believed in him and us, I am sad that I thought he was a good person, I am sad that he didn't appreciate me or see my value or worth after giving him 6 years of my life and lying to me that he did, I blame myself all the time for not seeing it and being gullible.

 

If I was physically locked up for 6 years and forced to have sex with this person and they told me they loved me and I was the most precious person to them, I wouldn't believe them, I would know I am a prisoner and at their mercy so would go along with it. When and if I escape or am thrown out I would be seriously traumatized but wouldn't feel the depth of pain emotionally, because I knew logically what it was. I view it as the same thing without being physically imprisoned, emotionally and mentally I was, because I fell for all his outstanding acting of how much I meant to him, how he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else, how he couldn't wait to have a family with me in a few years, I saw my future with him, and was loyal to that for 6 years, I stood by his side through thick and thin, and to be left after 6 years of dedication is devastating truly.

 

Imagine workinging your ass off in a job for 6 years to get to be a manager, you are promised if you are a certain way and go above and beyond everyone else, you show your dedication you will get the position, you think it is worth it so you constantly prove yourself, show you are way more than capable through hard graft for 6 years, but you know it will all be worth it in the end and are determined to have that secure contract (just like that strong unbreakable bond and you think you are working toward) then when the boss is congratulating you on your unbelievable work the past 6 years, and says the contract is there to sign, and you think he is talking to you, he gives that to a new employee who never worked a day in the company. You are crushed, you can't work there anymore because everyday you are reminded that you are not good enough, but when you move on to work in a new company you are still at the position you were 6 years ago, but now you feel ****ed over, what is the point in hard work, no matter how hard I try it fails anyway, the unfairness of what happened with you and how you were conned for 6 years of life keeps playing over and over in your head like a tape recorder, and no matter what you do you can never switch it off. That is what is going on with me.

 

It is way worse than job situation cause the rejection was based on a skill set, and no matter how fantastic that skill set was, the person promised the managerial position was just conned, the boss knew he was never going to be a manager, they just said that so they could use every bit of them they could for 6 years, when he had no idea that was the case. For me though, it wasn't a skill set, it was my genuine values qualities, emotions and heart being used for 6 years, I couldn't have been used at a deeper level, and I feel raped at the deepest level possible. I swore if I showed my great qualities of kindness, compassion, empathy, love, understanding, commitment, loyalty, generosity, it would all pay off in the end, it didn't, it couldn't have ended much worse, so when people say to have a relationship you have to show your good qualities, why? so they can be used again.

 

I don't want anyone to see my good qualities or they will see me as someone easy to be used, I feel so vulnerable and terrified by people, yet am extremely lonely cause I need to contact but I can't. Tell me you really need to move on or whatever you want, this is the most difficult situation I have ever had to move on from, and I have made progress from my severely depressed state, but nobody seems to understand what I have been through, and in fear of being seeing as this horribly negative pathetic person I keep it in, nobody wants to hear it. Even if I did tell a ton of people what happened so what, it did, talking about it isn't going to change it, I feel emotionally raped and nobody gets it.

[Zahara]

I don't want anyone to see my good qualities or they will see me as someone easy to be used, I feel so vulnerable and terrified by people, yet am extremely lonely cause I need to contact but I can't.

 

The effects of abuse will take time and effort to undo. It does leave you fragile and vulnerable but with healing, you will someday have better boundaries for yourself and have a better sense of identifying, protecting and removing yourself from those that are harmful to you.

 

When you endure 6 years of abuse, you at some point have to ask yourself why YOU chose to stay in a relationship that you knew was unhealthy for you. Yes, he played a part in it but when you start taking accountability and responsibility for where you are and what you allowed yourself to be put through, it's going to allow you to let go. I understand your anger towards this man and I have read your other threads but at some point you have to start reflecting inward and figuring out why you enabled a man to treat you poorly for all those years. When that happens, you'll start to empower yourself, rather than stay victimized.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Zahara

[rachelangelo]

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly. Have you considered seeing a counselor? Or perhaps, maybe joining a support group? I know the least scary option in your mind is to shut everyone out, but I promise that always ends up being disastrous. There are people who want to help and love you. Keep hope.

[Lovehel]

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly. Have you considered seeing a counselor? Or perhaps, maybe joining a support group? I know the least scary option in your mind is to shut everyone out, but I promise that always ends up being disastrous. There are people who want to help and love you. Keep hope.

 

Thank you, it also does not help that my mom leans on me and only me emotionally, when it comes to my father who I don't have a relationship with and all their financial issues etc...I am dealing with a lot personally, and then on the outside there family stuff on top of me too, and I feel trapped honestly. I went to see a counselor in college and he thought if I got more of a routine going I would be fine, he also was extremely judgemental and scolded me for not coming into college regularly, he didn't believe me things I told him, so I left. I did go to a counselor about 12 times after the abusive relationship ended, I still felt vulnerable and scared leaving it that place and told her I don't feel ready to stop this. She said there was nothing more she could do. Now I am at the point where I feel like there is nothing nobody can do for me, I feel emotionally trapped and I don't know what to do, or where to go anymore. The only support group around my area is one for depression, there is no abuse support group, they just have a hotline that I rang yesterday, I only ever rang it once before when I was in the abuse, told her I was struggling socially really bad, and that I found it so much easier being around people and social when I was in the abuse, now I can hardly bare being around people, I was way more functional in it that out of it I said, and it worried me a lot. She told me on the phone that I should never let anyone know who I am in college with or anywhere else what I went through because I will be stigmatized and they will just me as an abuse victim nothing more. I then started feeling more trapped. So the only person I can talk about this with is a counselor pretty much. I was telling her how even though the abuser is out of my life, I have become my own abuser mentally now, I beat myself up constantly, thinking what a stupid person I am etc...over everything. She told me to keep myself busy. That was it. Nobody gets what I feel seriously, I am alone in what I feel. That person who told me that was an abuse victim or she wouldn't have been on the phone and she was just like oh well kind of attitude keep it to yourself and keep busy. I feel like screaming as loud as my lungs could handle to everyone what happened to me, I feel like a massive injustice was done to me, and it feels like a huge crime was committed against me, yet I have to keep silent, and there is nobody who gets the gravity of what I feel emotionally. Thank you for your kind words this forum has been such a supportive place for me, at times when I didn't see the point of going in in this life.

[Lovehel]

The effects of abuse will take time and effort to undo. It does leave you fragile and vulnerable but with healing, you will someday have better boundaries for yourself and have a better sense of identifying, protecting and removing yourself from those that are harmful to you.

 

When you endure 6 years of abuse, you at some point have to ask yourself why YOU chose to stay in a relationship that you knew was unhealthy for you. Yes, he played a part in it but when you start taking accountability and responsibility for where you are and what you allowed yourself to be put through, it's going to allow you to let go. I understand your anger towards this man and I have read your other threads but at some point you have to start reflecting inward and figuring out why you enabled a man to treat you poorly for all those years. When that happens, you'll start to empower yourself, rather than stay victimized.

 

To be honest for most of it I didn't see it as unhealthy to me, I actually felt extremely lucky having him in my life, after struggling in school socially and emotionally and family wise, I finally felt like I had found home kind of thing. I felt very content with life, in a way I never did since I was a child probably. I thought he was fantastic.

 

There was a huge red flag I missed about a year into the relationship, that I was in denial about because I had such strong emotions for him more than anyone else ever in my life, I chose not to leave him, I regret it to this day. The year I met him I had gone back to school after dropping out to do my exams, I had no friends at this point but made one friend say called Vicki. After he had asked me out etc...I put everything on the line, he saw how insecure I was about losing all my friends through bullying in school etc...that it meant a lot to me to have Vicki as my friend. One night he went to a party without me, cause we had an argument and I didn't want to go. He then tells me 3 weeks later that he had kissed Vicki, because he couldn't handle the guilt of holding it in anymore. I was shocked with both of them. I confronted her and she told me she was meaning to tell me etc, she then told me he asked her back to his and tried to have sex with her, I didn't believe her, I should have. I stopped being friends with her, the trust was broken. Yet with him I gave him a pass because I thought well at least he was honest about messing up. Now looking back I think that was a test to see what he could get away with, and how easily I could be manipulated. I think he disguised it as him being honest and a good person, when under it all he was trying to see how far he could push the disrespect. I didn't see that at the time, from then on things got gradually worse. I didn't make any friends cause I didn't trust he wouldn't betray me or try and get with them, and I thought it was more important to stay with him, huge mistake. I was bullied relentlessly by him and his mother for having no friends eventually, he humiliated me in front of his friends over it etc...it was brutal. that was just one aspect, and I endured that for years because he knocked me down to such a low point, I thought what does he even see in me most of the time, and just played along with whatever he wanted to please him, and to keep him, I never saw him as an abuser while I was in the midst of it until the last 2 years I started to question what the hell was going on, when he started a lot of crazy making and I thought I was really losing my mind.

 

What enabled him to behave in the way I did was the fact I was so unsure of myself at 18 when I got with him and he brought all my insecurities out and used every single one against me, including me skin I have acne. He would say I don't think I want to have kids with you ever, cause you have **** skin. I would end up challenging it, thinking that was standing up for myself when it wasn't, going well aren't there more important things like the way I am as a person etc...then he would zone out, it was like I was speaking a foreign language. That was in the last year, and at that point I was starting to come out of his control he had over me and see him for what he really was. Looking back I genuinely thought he had good intentions and meant well and was naive I thought he just worded things badly or something when actually I was projecting my self onto him, he never did. I was in complete denial for many years on what a horrible person he was. If you read my reply to the other comment you will see my counseling dilemma. I beat myself up mentally for not seeing it, and am like how could you be so stupid, and have become my own abuser mentally now, I know I need to stop this.

[spiderowl]

I do understand how you are feeling. I've been there too, in both respects - at work and in my personal life. Part of the problem is that you are seeing yourself through his eyes. You know you are a loving, honest, genuine and loyal person. You just ended up with someone who wasn't like you. His view of you is not true, regardless of what he says. He is just mean and nasty, abusive. It is appalling he talked to you like that. He clearly has no empathy.

 

Having said all the above, the only thing you can do is to learn from this. You need to learn that not all people are genuine like you are and that some people will be abusive if you let them get away with it. I hope that in future you would opt out of any relationship that started to turn this way. It is understandable you would feel angry - how can someone get away with treating others like this? Sadly, they do. He will have his own trials eventually. Who knows, his girlfriend may cheat on him. Whatever happens, he is the past not your future.

 

Stop seeing yourself through his eyes. His eyes are distorted. You know you are a decent person and you deserve to meet a decent person. You have learned from the past, you are no longer naive about people. You will be more guarded and in some ways that is not a bad thing. You will study people carefully for signs of abusive behaviour. Just give yourself time to adjust. When you have some better experiences behind you, you will find it easier to trust people who show themselves to have good natures.

 

Reading what you have written, in some respects I can see that you still, at some level, see this guy as some kind of a prize that you lost. That is what you need to review. He never was a prize; he is just a guy who treats women badly if they let him. Instead of seeing his rude behaviour as an aberration from someone who had a lot of good qualities, see him for what he is - a mean-spirited man. The woman who ends up with him is not a winner.

[GemmaUK]

One of the things I found empowering when recovering from an abusive relationship was learning about myself, my responsibility in not acting on the subtle signs I was seeing.

At the time I didn't know that they were signs though - I'd never been in a relationship like that before.

 

I read up plenty whilst recovering and there's a book I can suggest for you.

 

https://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511940935&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+spot+a+dangerous+man

 

This book has a chapter on the unavailable man in it - a chapter to describe and describe how relationships can pan out and also a checklist at the back of that chapter for simple easy signs to look out for.

I would seriously give it a try, it's one of the best books I read and for future potential involvements makes it easy to see signs that this person may not be someone you want in your life.

[rubyjuly]

I am angry about putting every single ounce of effort I had in me into a relationship I was promised would never let me down, betray or abandon me, I thought that person I was with was with me for life. I was tricked, conned and was made to be the biggest fool who couldn't see past the lies I was told for years. Less than a month after breaking up he got with someone else and is still with them 8 months later, he told me the whole time I was with him it was just sex, he was with me out of loneliness and couldn't be bothered to find someone else, that I was easy basically and to stop telling myself the love story that it was all bull****. That was when I asked him a few months ago what actually happened.

 

I genuinely thought he loved me and had my best interests at heart, he ****ed me over more than anyone has in my whole life, and I don't trust peoples intentions after this who try and get close to me, my heart will not allow people in, and I don't know how to fix it. My mind is logically like this person is nice they won't **** you over, but my heart says do not make the same mistake and is literally closed with everyone, that is what that situation has caused me, and beyond the anger is immense sadness, that I can't even describe, I am sad for myself that I believed in him and us, I am sad that I thought he was a good person, I am sad that he didn't appreciate me or see my value or worth after giving him 6 years of my life and lying to me that he did, I blame myself all the time for not seeing it and being gullible.

 

If I was physically locked up for 6 years and forced to have sex with this person and they told me they loved me and I was the most precious person to them, I wouldn't believe them, I would know I am a prisoner and at their mercy so would go along with it. When and if I escape or am thrown out I would be seriously traumatized but wouldn't feel the depth of pain emotionally, because I knew logically what it was. I view it as the same thing without being physically imprisoned, emotionally and mentally I was, because I fell for all his outstanding acting of how much I meant to him, how he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else, how he couldn't wait to have a family with me in a few years, I saw my future with him, and was loyal to that for 6 years, I stood by his side through thick and thin, and to be left after 6 years of dedication is devastating truly.

 

Imagine workinging your ass off in a job for 6 years to get to be a manager, you are promised if you are a certain way and go above and beyond everyone else, you show your dedication you will get the position, you think it is worth it so you constantly prove yourself, show you are way more than capable through hard graft for 6 years, but you know it will all be worth it in the end and are determined to have that secure contract (just like that strong unbreakable bond and you think you are working toward) then when the boss is congratulating you on your unbelievable work the past 6 years, and says the contract is there to sign, and you think he is talking to you, he gives that to a new employee who never worked a day in the company. You are crushed, you can't work there anymore because everyday you are reminded that you are not good enough, but when you move on to work in a new company you are still at the position you were 6 years ago, but now you feel ****ed over, what is the point in hard work, no matter how hard I try it fails anyway, the unfairness of what happened with you and how you were conned for 6 years of life keeps playing over and over in your head like a tape recorder, and no matter what you do you can never switch it off. That is what is going on with me.

 

It is way worse than job situation cause the rejection was based on a skill set, and no matter how fantastic that skill set was, the person promised the managerial position was just conned, the boss knew he was never going to be a manager, they just said that so they could use every bit of them they could for 6 years, when he had no idea that was the case. For me though, it wasn't a skill set, it was my genuine values qualities, emotions and heart being used for 6 years, I couldn't have been used at a deeper level, and I feel raped at the deepest level possible. I swore if I showed my great qualities of kindness, compassion, empathy, love, understanding, commitment, loyalty, generosity, it would all pay off in the end, it didn't, it couldn't have ended much worse, so when people say to have a relationship you have to show your good qualities, why? so they can be used again.

 

I don't want anyone to see my good qualities or they will see me as someone easy to be used, I feel so vulnerable and terrified by people, yet am extremely lonely cause I need to contact but I can't. Tell me you really need to move on or whatever you want, this is the most difficult situation I have ever had to move on from, and I have made progress from my severely depressed state, but nobody seems to understand what I have been through, and in fear of being seeing as this horribly negative pathetic person I keep it in, nobody wants to hear it. Even if I did tell a ton of people what happened so what, it did, talking about it isn't going to change it, I feel emotionally raped and nobody gets it.

 

 

I do.... ( completely understand everything he did to you and how deeply it's affected you, feel free to pm me ... so sorry for the absolutely s***** person he turned out to be. You deserve way better... hugs

[magnesium]

Really sorry what you went through.

 

This guy sounds like a textbook sociopath.

 

In time, I hope you learn NOT to blame yourself. Narcissists/Sociopaths are master manipulators. They have been manipulating since childhood to get their needs met. Their brains aren't wired for empathy either, which explains why you discarded so cruelly.

 

Zahara is right, you need to look inside yourself too take accountability for your part in it, but do NOT take accountability for the sociopath's deception.

 

And my friend, I do recommend a trauma counseler AND joining a support group for narcissistic abuse survivors.

[CrazyKatLady]

I know how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. I only went through six months of it, but it was bad enough to wreck my life.

I agree with some other posts. It was HIS distorted and twisted ways that led you down this path. Look inside yourself, see YOU for who you know yourself to be. Think of that good person that is deep within you and focus on that, then focus on your life, then push him aside. He can't hurt you anymore. He is the sick person, you are the decent one.

I am still coping too. Today was the first day in a week I stepped back on campus after what happened between and some nut job professor. Baby steps. I was constantly looking around and nervous, but I carry pepper spray with me--I'm waiting for that dumb fat a** to walk anywhere near me.

I have had 6 weeks to recover and still have my bad days, but slowly, these forums are helping. And one of my exes tells me how stupid the guy was and how beautiful I am--as a friend--which helps. I don't know you, but in case you haven't heard it in awhile, You are beautiful and deserved and still deserve so much better. The man who hurt you is an idiot and I think you are beautiful and a real man wouldn't have walked away from such a strong, good woman as yourself.