Horrible mistake

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

the odds of OP actually telling her BF about this, in my opinion went from slim to none, and slim caught the last train out of town.

 

I agree with you.

[usa1ah]

I’m still thinking HECE will tell the truth.

 

Just need to wait and see. When she posts again we will know.

[Space Ritual]

When she posts again we will know.

 

I will be surprised if she does.

 

 

If she does, my take will be that according to her, her man took it all in stride, forgave her on the spot and they are just back from celebrating a New Beginning with endless Breadsticks at the Olive Garden.

 

And she will be telling us how awful, jaded and angry we all are....well maybe not all of you, but I'm sure I would be a prime candidate for such monikers. LOL!!

[Cobra_X]

Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view

 

These professionals are trained to say that. They can't know if you are with an abusive man or not and they are just limiting their legal liability.

 

I mean if they advise you to tell this information to a man that is violent and regularly beats you, then they are potentially liable for your damages. If both of you were meeting with the counselors and they had a chance to assess your husband directly... the advice might be different.

 

I would not classify this advice as moral. I think they are counseling you to do something evil to suit their own self interest.

[HCEC]

I told him

 

You don’t need to know the details

 

We aren’t together at the moment

 

He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt

 

I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter

[DKT3]

I told him

 

You don’t need to know the details

 

We aren’t together at the moment

 

He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt

 

I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter

 

All of this is normal....he will question everything about you and the relationship, unfortunately it includes the child. Give it time, allow him to work through his emotions.

 

For the record I wished I didn't know at first as well, no one wants to deal with this stuff, I'm guessing in time, no matter how it ends, will be happy he knows. It will give him the opportunity to truly accept you for who you REALLY are or move on. Either way it will be his choice.

[road]

I told him

 

You don’t need to know the details

 

We aren’t together at the moment

 

He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt

 

I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter

 

Honesty is the first step back. The journey recovering a marriage

cannot begin without taking the first step.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I told him

 

You don’t need to know the details

 

We aren’t together at the moment

 

He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt

 

I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter

 

And how are you feeling?

[elaine567]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

[HCEC]

And how are you feeling?

 

 

 

Worse than I have felt in my whole entire life!

Seeing the pain in his eyes will haunt me for my whole life

[Cullenbohannon]

I don't think anyone enjoys watching train wrecks.

 

And no one enjoys being in them. That's why they give advice to confess. After the wreck, you don't just put it back together. You figure out why the train wrecked, and put it back together with this knowledge. It might wreck again, but hopefully not for the same issue.

 

This is a journey OP, not a ending. Fathers do not leave their daughters. You have 18 years to make amends. Some may disagree, but you are on the right path.

 

Prayers from the STBW and I.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Highndry]

It was the right decision to tell him. If you asked ANY man if he'd want his gf/wife to tell him if she cheated, the answer is a resounding YES. So, you did what he wanted. I don't believe this BS that he "wishes he didn't know." No, what he wishes is that you never did it.

[BluesPower]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from.

 

On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule.

 

And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest.

 

On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong.

 

On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest.

 

I really don't get it.

 

She did the right thing however it works out...

[Highndry]

I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from.

 

On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule.

 

And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest.

 

On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong.

 

On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest.

 

I really don't get it.

 

She did the right thing however it works out...

 

This is the vibe I get from her, too.

[Space Ritual]

I told him

 

You don’t need to know the details

 

We aren’t together at the moment

 

He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt

 

I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter

 

Well congratulations on doing what you did not want to do, but did it because it was the right thing to do.

 

I myself stand corrected. i didn't think you'd do it, but you did, so I commend you for that and for proving me wrong.

 

Now, the real work begins....

 

Do not look toward whether he will hate you or not. Infidelity, although a total dealbreaker for me, may not ultimately be for him.

 

And it may not if you now begin the hard work to become a safe partner for him, or for the next person in your life.

 

So now you have seen first hand how infidelity can destroy a relationship. If you saw his face, I hope you remember for the rest of your life that face, just so you may be able to pause a moment in case you ever find yourself in anther one of these situations in the future.

 

I can appreciate exactly how difficult this was for you to do. The payoff now is that you have opened the door to begin to live a genuine life, regardless of who you are with, You now can prove to yourself and to the world that you are indeed a safe person to be around.

 

Because you just did the hardest part of the entire exercise. The rest will pale in comparison to the great step you took.

 

I know I was terribly hard on you. I was because I never got the chance t have the situation I as placed in ever exlpained to me or even talked about. Because I had the misfortune to walk in on my fiance and my best friend in my bed.

 

You do now have a chance to repair this if you do the work. I know you can do it.

 

Good Luck and you do deserve a pat on the back for owning your actions.

[Space Ritual]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

 

 

Forgiveness is a gift. And it is a gift that is earned, not bestowed like a Presidential Executive Order. That goes for both Genders.

 

And Honesty is the best policy in any scenario. This man had the right to know what was going on in his life, unbeknownst to him. END OF STORY.

[Space Ritual]

I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from.

 

On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule.

 

And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest.

 

On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong.

 

On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest.

 

I really don't get it.

 

She did the right thing however it works out...

 

 

 

We all tend to base our replies on experience, whether we reveal what our experience is or not.

 

Some can't fathom being honest because the fallout may be too hard for them to handle, so they refer back to Harlequin novels and vow to "carry it to the grave"....well that is until they get busted, then it's usually everybody else's fault.

[elaine567]

I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from.

 

On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule.

 

And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest.

 

On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong.

 

On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest.

 

I really don't get it.

 

She did the right thing however it works out...

 

I am not down men as a general rule I am just down on SOME men.

[elaine567]

There is a child involved here.

The poor kid...

[usa1ah]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

Sorry you feel this way. How anyone can think being honest with the one they love is some sort of revenge is beyond me.

 

I guess this type of thinking can aid cheaters along the way in a, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, kind of way.

 

I think we have all read about the opposite though. It takes its toll on the cheater in many ways if they have a conscious. Most of which will affect the relationship negatively.

 

HCEC has shown strength and courage with what she has done. I sincerely hope if her SO can get past his anger and pain and forgive her, that they can start anew and make a life together.

 

Best hopes and wishes HCEC.

[usa1ah]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

So a ONS is nothing?

 

So it’s ok to go out and have ONS now?

 

It’s in shatters now because HCEC betrayed the one she loves. This was eating her up inside. If it didn’t bring her low it would have hardened her heart over the years making a gulf between them. Granted there are men and women that can cheat and think nothing of it, HCEC isn’t one of those thank goodness.

[elaine567]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

[Shining One]

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

I'd hardly consider this your "basic" cheating situation. She cheated, kept it secret, chose to permanently link their lives by having a child, then revealed the truth. To me, this elevates the betrayal to a considerably higher level.

[DKT3]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

 

In all honesty, it's not about her. So you ask we're has it got her, who cares, she made her choice to have an affair it's not really her choice to put two others at risk to pay for her actions. Telling him was the right thing to do, maybe he never forgives her and the relationship is done, maybe it does have a negative Impact on the relationship with the child, but that isn't a product of confession it only speaks to the character of her husband.

 

My guess is it will not have an impact on the father daughter relationship once he is satisfied that the child is actually his.

[usa1ah]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

 

Why should anyone accept someone that cheats? As to men it is simply that when a wife/gf cheats on us we see it as a judgement on our manhood. That we aren’t man enough to keep our loved one from straying. This is how we have brought up. Look at all the things being said in the magazines and television shows. A guy that is cheated on is the butt of all the jokes and a what need was he not fulfilling for her, while the girl is the victim if her husband/bf cheats on her with a how dare he do this.

 

I know if I found that my wife had been unfaithful to me on my own, I would more then like leave.

 

If she came to me remorseful and in obvious distress about it I would be more inclined to think it over before I made a decision. There is nothing I hate more then to be lied to or deceived. That is something that would break my marriage. That is what would breaks trust so effectively, knowing that she could do a ONS and then hide it like nothing happened.