usa1ah Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Also, I am completely concerned about hurting him. Otherwise I would just tell him so I could stop driving myself nuts. I don’t blame you all for judging me but you actually don’t know me or know how much I LoVE my other half. Yes it was awful what I did but there are worse things! I love my fiancée more than anything in the world and that’s what is so hard Name something worse for a GUY to have done to him. Cheating on a guy strikes at his manhood. I don’t believe for a moment that you truly love him, you would never have done what you did if he meant everything in the world to you. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 We have mutual friends but he won’t ever say anything as is now married to the girl he was engaged to when he slept With me We are about to relocate so we would never see any of the mutual friends again unless I arranged it I haven’t spoken to him since O this just keeps getting better. The two of you should have married each other. What a perfect match. Both cheated on SO. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Also our relationship is based on love. I love him, he loves me and we love OUR baby Then why did you sleep with another guy after having a EA with him? Your relationship is based on a lie now. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said “Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.” I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view It all depends on the counselors you contact. I know a few that will say the opposite. They will bring you both in to help you with it when you confess. Best way when trying to save the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Well she should advertise that she is a genius... and that she is able to help with infidelity. But seriously, why do so many counselors subscribe to that like of thinking that we see all the time? Can she answer that? Begin Threadjack Because the goal of any Vocation is to make money. If a counselor actually dispenses sound advice that the patient takes, then why would there be a need to see them a second time? That's like pushing away a revenue stream. BP, you and I both know counselors are a dime a dozen. As long as a counselor can keep someone in chaos they are guaranteed to keep coming back again and again. The number that actually specialize in Infidelity are minute, to say the least. So that being said, given the opinions of the 2 counselors she was able to fight long lines and gatekeepers to see in one day, and given they both told OP to keep it zipped, the odds of OP actually telling her BF about this, in my opinion went from slim to none, and slim caught the last train out of town. End Threadjack. Now the rest of you can return to debating disclosure vs. non disclosure. Riveting reading I must say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 the odds of OP actually telling her BF about this, in my opinion went from slim to none, and slim caught the last train out of town. I agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said “Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.” I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view Makes me wonder how you explained it to them. And did you also tell them it's made you sick? How do they expect you to get past feeing sick and depressed without getting honest? It's really not possible unless you are narcissistic and an expert at compartmentalizing. Why are you resisting building a relationship on honesty? Do you work? Can you support yourself fully on your own? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 18, 2017 Share Posted November 18, 2017 I’m still thinking HECE will tell the truth. Just need to wait and see. When she posts again we will know. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 18, 2017 Share Posted November 18, 2017 When she posts again we will know. I will be surprised if she does. If she does, my take will be that according to her, her man took it all in stride, forgave her on the spot and they are just back from celebrating a New Beginning with endless Breadsticks at the Olive Garden. And she will be telling us how awful, jaded and angry we all are....well maybe not all of you, but I'm sure I would be a prime candidate for such monikers. LOL!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said “Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.” I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view These professionals are trained to say that. They can't know if you are with an abusive man or not and they are just limiting their legal liability. I mean if they advise you to tell this information to a man that is violent and regularly beats you, then they are potentially liable for your damages. If both of you were meeting with the counselors and they had a chance to assess your husband directly... the advice might be different. I would not classify this advice as moral. I think they are counseling you to do something evil to suit their own self interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HCEC Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 I told him You don’t need to know the details We aren’t together at the moment He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I told him You don’t need to know the details We aren’t together at the moment He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter All of this is normal....he will question everything about you and the relationship, unfortunately it includes the child. Give it time, allow him to work through his emotions. For the record I wished I didn't know at first as well, no one wants to deal with this stuff, I'm guessing in time, no matter how it ends, will be happy he knows. It will give him the opportunity to truly accept you for who you REALLY are or move on. Either way it will be his choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I told him You don’t need to know the details We aren’t together at the moment He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter Honesty is the first step back. The journey recovering a marriage cannot begin without taking the first step. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I told him You don’t need to know the details We aren’t together at the moment He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter And how are you feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads. Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance. BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game. Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what??? A ONS more or less... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HCEC Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 And how are you feeling? Worse than I have felt in my whole entire life! Seeing the pain in his eyes will haunt me for my whole life Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 (edited) I don't think anyone enjoys watching train wrecks. And no one enjoys being in them. That's why they give advice to confess. After the wreck, you don't just put it back together. You figure out why the train wrecked, and put it back together with this knowledge. It might wreck again, but hopefully not for the same issue. This is a journey OP, not a ending. Fathers do not leave their daughters. You have 18 years to make amends. Some may disagree, but you are on the right path. Prayers from the STBW and I. Edited November 20, 2017 by Cullenbohannon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 It was the right decision to tell him. If you asked ANY man if he'd want his gf/wife to tell him if she cheated, the answer is a resounding YES. So, you did what he wanted. I don't believe this BS that he "wishes he didn't know." No, what he wishes is that you never did it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads. Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance. BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game. Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what??? A ONS more or less... I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from. On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule. And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest. On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong. On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest. I really don't get it. She did the right thing however it works out... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from. On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule. And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest. On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong. On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest. I really don't get it. She did the right thing however it works out... This is the vibe I get from her, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I told him You don’t need to know the details We aren’t together at the moment He wishes he didn’t know. He can’t look at his daughter at the moment as she reminds him of the hurt I have to live with him hating me but am hoping he forgets the hurt and enjoys his daughter Well congratulations on doing what you did not want to do, but did it because it was the right thing to do. I myself stand corrected. i didn't think you'd do it, but you did, so I commend you for that and for proving me wrong. Now, the real work begins.... Do not look toward whether he will hate you or not. Infidelity, although a total dealbreaker for me, may not ultimately be for him. And it may not if you now begin the hard work to become a safe partner for him, or for the next person in your life. So now you have seen first hand how infidelity can destroy a relationship. If you saw his face, I hope you remember for the rest of your life that face, just so you may be able to pause a moment in case you ever find yourself in anther one of these situations in the future. I can appreciate exactly how difficult this was for you to do. The payoff now is that you have opened the door to begin to live a genuine life, regardless of who you are with, You now can prove to yourself and to the world that you are indeed a safe person to be around. Because you just did the hardest part of the entire exercise. The rest will pale in comparison to the great step you took. I know I was terribly hard on you. I was because I never got the chance t have the situation I as placed in ever exlpained to me or even talked about. Because I had the misfortune to walk in on my fiance and my best friend in my bed. You do now have a chance to repair this if you do the work. I know you can do it. Good Luck and you do deserve a pat on the back for owning your actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads. Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance. BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game. Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what??? A ONS more or less... Forgiveness is a gift. And it is a gift that is earned, not bestowed like a Presidential Executive Order. That goes for both Genders. And Honesty is the best policy in any scenario. This man had the right to know what was going on in his life, unbeknownst to him. END OF STORY. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from. On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule. And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest. On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong. On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest. I really don't get it. She did the right thing however it works out... We all tend to base our replies on experience, whether we reveal what our experience is or not. Some can't fathom being honest because the fallout may be too hard for them to handle, so they refer back to Harlequin novels and vow to "carry it to the grave"....well that is until they get busted, then it's usually everybody else's fault. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 I am constantly confused about... where you are coming from. On one hand you seem to be totally be down on Men as a general rule. And on the other hand, you think it is foolish for her to be honest. On one hand you seem to have a strong moral compass and very definite about right and wrong. On the other hand you seem to think she should not have been honest. I really don't get it. She did the right thing however it works out... I am not down men as a general rule I am just down on SOME men. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 There is a child involved here. The poor kid... Link to post Share on other sites
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