Horrible mistake

[Darren Steez]

There is a child involved here.

The poor kid...

 

Then maybe the truth should have been outed before conception.

 

No substitute for authenticity.

 

The truth is out, now they can work together to build something stronger and mitigate that "mistake".

[Cullenbohannon]

I don t see how this threadjack helps the OP at all.

Seems like the poster was itching for a fight. Totally unnecessary and shows no class.

Best wishes to the OP and her family

Edited November 21, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[JS84]

Probably better for OP and her husband to deal with all of this while the child is still a baby anyway. At least he/she won't really remember any of this regardless of what they wind up doing.

 

I do think telling was the right move, although it really should have been done before a child was conceived. I agree it really comes off like he was basically trapped.

 

Anyway I think it's a bit early to be questioning his relationship with his child. He just had a bomb dropped on him, he's probably still just processing.

[HCEC]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I doubt he means it IS actually "fine," but it's good news that he wants to stay together and try to put it behind him. However, I hope that this isn't something he's going to hold over your head forever, bringing it up in arguments whenever he pleases. Of course only time will tell if this will happen, but if it does, you two should really consider counseling because that's not fair to you.

 

For now, I guess just be patient? If he wants to talk about it, let him. I'm sure others will have advice.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

Rugsweep anyone? No, it cannot be changed. Stages of grief are going to take a looong time. If you are serious about this marriage, you will answer ALL questions when asked and be as forthright and honest. He doesn't want to talk....Right now. Let him breathe. Poor guy just found out he may have a illegitimate child, a spouse that is in love with another man, and he's paying for it with his physical safety, sanity and his heart. Nothing in his eyes is real. I hope he is still talking to someone professional, whatever that means these days.....

[Poutrew]

OP, expect a revenge affair in your future...

[Space Ritual]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

Don't rest on your laurels thinking this is over...it is just beginning. So strap yourself in for the ride of your life...a ride that cold have been avoided had you done some critical thinking with your brain.

 

It is the calm before the storm. He is in Shock and is bargaining and second guessing your entire relationship, He will continue to do so for the forseeable future.

Any bashing you may receive from us will pale in comparison to what awaits you when the anger stage hits.

Start doing the work involved . This is ALL on YOU. So you will have to invest the years or decades long effort to prove to him that you are a safe wife. At the very minimum 3 to 5 years.

 

If you do not feel you can do that, then dissolve the marriage now. And pretty much you are losing your right to privacy for awhile. He will want to see everything. So in the interest of transparency, you will have to be an open book with your actions, and also he will probably need all access to all your electronic devices for spot checks. He now knows he can't trust what you say, so be prepared to show him your phone at any time, day or night.

 

Also if you are serious about working this out, consider offering to sign a post nup.

 

These are just a couple of things you probably need to be prepared for. His mind will be a rollercoaster. He'll love you one minute and despise you another

 

A daunting task to be sure. However it has been done before. BUT YOU have to put in the work now. YOU have to do the heavy lifting.

 

9 out of 10 times it does not work out because the cheater simply does not have the intestinal fortitude to do the work, with no guarantee of success.

 

This is but small part of things that will probably be part of your life now.

 

 

Just remember , it is not us you have to convince you are safe, it is your husband that you have to prove this all to. And he will be well within his right to simply one day tell you that even though you did the work, its still not enough.

 

So if you can't do the work, let him know now. If you let him twist in Limbo and then start complaining that this is too hard, then you've had it.

[Space Ritual]

OP, expect a revenge affair in your future...

 

IDK. OP proved me wrong once by confessing. Maybe she can do the work.

 

I do realize, especially in my posts, that probably comes across to OP like I am wishing her to fail.

 

I am not. I don't think any of us really are wishing failure.

 

But part of the reason I am pretty brutal on cheaters is that I want them to take their blinders off and accept responsibility for what they did.

 

If I gave them the soft shoe approach, I doubt I would ever get anyone flagging my posts like so many do. I get slapped on the wrist at least once a month for being mean to the cheaters. But doing so means that I struck a nerve, even if it is a bad nerve, at least my more brutal posts get them at least thinking. They may dismiss what I say out of hand, but that wont deter me from attempting to force their eyes open with Clockwork Orange Eye Props.

 

 

But I maintain that if they can't handle it from a random guy on the internet, they sure as hell won't be able to handle the real life fallout . So better for them it happens here in a controlled setting

[Highndry]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

[DKT3]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

 

I disagree. Trust can be regained, but not the blind trust. Blind trust is unhealthy and only for mothers and crazy people. Everyone else should understand that there is always a chance that they can be betrayed.

[TheWoman]

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. The health and well-being of the mother being paramount for infants. If you have personally been through that particular emotional and physical experience, its very hard to see something like this from any other perspective. Children of mothers with post-natal depression can express a wide range of emotional trauma as a result. Add a relationship breakdown to the mix and you have potentially created a lifelong negative impact on that baby. I would not want that resting on my shoulders - not for any amount of money.

 

That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison, if I am being honest. I simply cannot relate. That being said I have a particular distaste for all elements of ownership and possession of other people, whether it be their body or mind. It is simply a matter of priorities. I feel desperately sad for that little baby, and I do hope something good finally comes of this for her, only time now will tell.

[DKT3]

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. The health and well-being of the mother being paramount for infants. If you have personally been through that particular emotional and physical experience, its very hard to see something like this from any other perspective. Children of mothers with post-natal depression can express a wide range of emotional trauma as a result. Add a relationship breakdown to the mix and you have potentially created a lifelong negative impact on that baby. I would not want that resting on my shoulders - not for any amount of money.

 

That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison, if I am being honest. I simply cannot relate. That being said I have a particular distaste for all elements of ownership and possession of other people, whether it be their body or mind. It is simply a matter of priorities. I feel desperately sad for that little baby, and I do hope something good finally comes of this for her, only time now will tell.

Wow, I strongly disagree. I think people (not just women) are actually only thinking of themselves in these situations. They convince themselves that it will actually not impact the child. Were they really thinking of the kids it would be enough for them to not get involved since no kids ever benefit from having cheating parents.

[Space Ritual]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

 

 

I understand that totally. I was exactly the same way when it happened to me. Always a dealbreaker with extreme prejudice. But that is just me. For some it is not. They are better people than I to be able to extend the hand of forgiveness if they indeed do.

 

Some marriages have survived it. In my opinion as I have previously stated, for the cheater, doing the work to be safe is a daunting task, Moreso because even with doing the work there is no guarantee that there is a reward at the end.

 

When faced with that prospect, many, if not most, either are unable or unwilling to do said work. Not understanding that doing that work will benefit them down the road, even if it is in another relationship is something that usually is unthinkable at the time.

[BMI03]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

 

You did the right thing. Space Ritual has given you some good advice here. Don't expect this to be over. Your fiance's feelings will change and go back and forth. Have patients and address things as he needs to. It will not be easy, but be humble and put the work in. The prize at the end of this is a loving relationship where you know and feel that he really truly loves you for who you are, accepting your faults. Anything else is a lie that you will feel until it explodes and ruins everyone's concept of life.

 

 

...Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. ...That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison....

 

These comments shock me to the core. I cannot believe that one human being (male or female) can be so cold of empathy to another human being. What right does anyone have over another person to be so controlling over the outcome of their feelings that they would lie to them and hide the truth about the life they are living and investing their time in. It is gut wrenching to think yet that such a lack of respect and compassion could come from the person who claims to love you, no less. These comments are terrifying in how casually they redirect blame for the fall out to the activity of telling the truth, vs. the actual cheating itself.

 

If someone doesn't want to tell, I can't say that I don't understand the urge. That's human nature to feel avoidance for paying the price for your betrayal. But if that's the position you take, then own it, and leave your poor spouse. It's doubling down on your betrayal to continue stealing more time from someone by letting them live a lie.

[usa1ah]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

There are books out there that can help you help him. I really don’t know the names of the books, sorry about that. I think Dr Harley has some out there called Surviving an Affair.

 

One thing HCEC he has to see that you are remorseful and trying to fix this.

 

Best wishes HCEC

[JS84]

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald is a decent book from what I've heard.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I'm glad the 400lb. gorilla in the room finally got to exit. Like S2b said...NC with the AP? I will pray for you and your family. You are brave, and stronger than you seem. This will help you going forward. Best wishes.

[aliveagain]

You have done the right thing. Had he found out on his own you probably wouldn't have this second chance, second chances are earned. Telling him earned you a second chance, good for you. Write out a timeline of your affair and leave nothing out and then seal it in a brown envelope and store it away until he tells you to destroy it or asks you to show it to him, let him decide. Do not destroy any emails, texts, sexting unless he asks you to. Wiping out the incriminating evidence will work against you. Get rid of all your friends that facilitated your cheating, they are not friends of your relationship.

 

Give him his space, have him put GPS on your car so he knows where you are. Send a "NO CONTACT" to other man, be very clear that you are committed to making your relationship work and that he is never to contact you again but don't send it until your husband/boyfriend has read it and approved it. Give him full transparency, all passwords, hide nothing there is no room for lies or secrets in a healthy relationship. He has decided to give you a second chance and that means he is taking full responsibility for that decision. Do not blow this chance, you have been given a gift that you may not understand it's full value until you discover what it cost him to give one day.

 

Get yourself into independent counselling so you understand why you allowed yourself the approval to do this to him. Until you get to the root of your problem you are still broken and a risk to be with. Please tell me you now understand the importance of being honest, telling him was the only way to save this relationship. Offer him a prenuptial agreement that gives him most of the equity if you split because of a future infidelity if he needs it. No more male friends that aren't friends of his. Do the work, commit yourself because you both have to be 100% into the relationship. Keep boundaries and honor them. Being unfaithful is easy, we can all do that, getting their trust back will be the hardest thing you have ever done.

Edited November 22, 2017 by aliveagain

[usa1ah]

HCEC I wish to say one thing. We are all human and make mistakes in life, I know I have made plenty. You made a big one and with strength and character owned up to it and now have a chance to make your relationship great. I really wish my wife was like you in this respect. My wife didn’t have an affair but there are more then one way to betray the one you are with.

 

You are a good person, unlike a lot of people now a day that think lying and deceit is ok in respect to infidelity. You are one in a million don’t forget this and forgive yourself as your bf has. So many have gone down the other path and have lost all.

 

Turn your attention to your soon to be and make things right. Just touch back down the road and let us now how you are doing.

 

Later HCEC

[Colin Grant]

A few things of note:

 

1) You say you love your fiance, but you also admitted to flirting with someone who was very attracted to you. These two statements contradict. You were selfish and you may want to check yourself if you really love him, as you may have been drunk when you did it, but you were conscience of the situation you placed yourself in. Getting drunk probably just aided you in not taking responsibility for your actions. People know when they're ready to do something, it's convenient to drink as it provides them with a ready made excuse.

 

 

2) You didn't make a mistake. You made a decision.

 

3) Before you even admit to your decision, you begin the reasoning your actions by claiming non-support from your fiance. WEAK!

 

4) Were you protected? If not, you also placed at risk the health of your fiance and unborn child.

 

5) You did the right thing to tell him for many reasons. Rug sweeping is easy and pain free, but life is funny in that things often come to light years later. Now that he knows, you will not have this secret inside any longer. I know you don't want to hear this, but your fiance deserves the right to know and make the decision as to whether he wants to marry a cheater or not. I fully understand your shame and disgust right now, and it's easy to say I'll never do it again, but the circumstances surrounding your decision will come up again and let's say you're mad at your husband and the relationship has has been going through rough patch for months. Your friends with John in the Accounting Department who you confide in over a few harmless drinks, he's empathetic to your problems, telling you you're smart and beautiful and next thing you know, a kiss happens and two hours later, panties fly. That's how it goes. Your fiance has a right to know who you are, not that you'll do it again, but that you have a minimal track record of having done it. He may or may not be ok with having someone who's already shown to poor decision making when vulnerable.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Colin Grant

[frigginlost]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

 

First off, good on you for doing the right thing. As someone who was cheated on, by doing the right thing you have a shot at making it work.

 

Yes, it is a stage he is going through and his emotions are going to swing wildly. Understand that and let him fume when he needs to.

 

Two very important things you need to do now: Forgive him for his wild emotions that are going to come to light, and second, forgive yourself for what happened. You did the right thing in telling him.

 

As a side note, I cannot believe some of the selfish self-centered, you should have stayed quiet bullcrap being spewed by some of the women here. Shame on you. This "me first" attitude being hidden under the "not hurting him by telling him" fog screen is exactly what is killing many, many, relationships that actually might survive.

[Space Ritual]

As a side note, I cannot believe some of the selfish self-centered, you should have stayed quiet bullcrap being spewed by some of the women here. Shame on you. This "me first" attitude being hidden under the "not hurting him by telling him" fog screen is exactly what is killing many, many, relationships that actually might survive.

 

I'm not.

 

Cheating in and of itself is about as selfish as you can get...well maybe 2nd to throwing women and children off the side of a sinking ship so one can ease into a lifeboat like an old man easing into a warm bath.

 

It may have been more female centric in this thread, but there are plenty of apologists on this forum of both genders. The notion of "carrying it to the grave" is not a viable option anymore as no one seems to even have the backbone to do even that. They can't keep their own mouths shut, so why should they expect anyone else to?

 

IMO those that advise against disclosure are usually those who have never really experienced true consequences for their actions. Also they more often than not advise that direction out of regret. If they were advising out of remorse, they would be the first ones to trumpet disclosure.

[frigginlost]

I'm not.

 

Cheating in and of itself is about as selfish as you can get...well maybe 2nd to throwing women and children off the side of a sinking ship so one can ease into a lifeboat like an old man easing into a warm bath.

 

It may have been more female centric in this thread, but there are plenty of apologists on this forum of both genders. The notion of "carrying it to the grave" is not a viable option anymore as no one seems to even have the backbone to do even that. They can't keep their own mouths shut, so why should they expect anyone else to?

 

IMO those that advise against disclosure are usually those who have never really experienced true consequences for their actions. Also they more often than not advise that direction out of regret. If they were advising out of remorse, they would be the first ones to trumpet disclosure.

 

Great points.

 

I'm also of the belief that those who scream "what they don't know won't hurt them" when it comes to cheating, both male and female, simply do not retain the ability to fully invest in a relationship. The wheels will come off at some point...

[bluecastle]

OP: I've been following this thread and just want to tell you that my heart goes out to you.

 

Telling him was the right thing to do—for both of you. It's so clear how deeply you love this man, and I believe that love will lead to you being able to put in the work, and work through this, together.

 

If you look at some of my recent threads, you'll see I'm in a similar situation. The difference is, I kept it from my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I had my reasons and internal justifications—namely, that I didn't want to hurt her and was able to put it behind me and fully commit to being a present and decent man post-ONS.

 

She never knew, but a residue from that period hung about the edges of our relationship for years. She knew something was "off" during that period, and it created an unspoken tension that we could never escape because the source was never acknowledged. As good and decent as I was for years—I did turn my guilt into fuel for being "good"—there was always a part of her that couldn't quite accept it as genuine.

 

Two years after I cheated, 1.5 years after we enjoyed an amazing period of love and growth and connection, life delivered a blow to her in the form of serious depression. When she began thinking everything was worthless and people were terrible, she completely closed off to me. Any caring gesture of mine was met with bitter resentment from our first year together—that icky residue resurfacing.

 

We couldn't connect when we most needed to, and what happened? She ended up cheating on me, lying to me, rationalizing it as retaliation, going down her own guilt/shame spiral, and the relationship unraveled. Needless to say, it's been devastating. I wanted to spend my life with this woman.

 

I found out she'd cheated in bits and pieces through friends. I was furious, but, then again, who was I to point fingers? So all these years later, two months after breaking up, I told her what I'd done so we could (finally!) communicate on an honest plane and have each of our pain fully acknowledged by the other. And for all that pain, the relief that being honest and open with each other has been a gift we've both acknowledged to the other, even in a shattered place.

 

For me, with so much buried for so long, it may be too late to work through it together. The number of "if only..." thoughts I now have are dizzying, and I realize we both may need to take these lessons and apply them to ourselves and future partners. That, of course, is devastating as well.

 

All of which is just to say again that my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing getting in front of this before that residue could really harden, expand, and come back to haunt you both when least expected. What happens next is not fully in your control—your F will process this all however he does. But honesty is the ultimate expression of love and really the only foundation for a sustainable relationship.

 

I guess, in ways, we're both out there in the world learning that in the deepest of trenches. Best of luck, and know this stranger in the digital ether is rooting for you.