Horrible mistake

[usa1ah]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

Sorry you feel this way. How anyone can think being honest with the one they love is some sort of revenge is beyond me.

 

I guess this type of thinking can aid cheaters along the way in a, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, kind of way.

 

I think we have all read about the opposite though. It takes its toll on the cheater in many ways if they have a conscious. Most of which will affect the relationship negatively.

 

HCEC has shown strength and courage with what she has done. I sincerely hope if her SO can get past his anger and pain and forgive her, that they can start anew and make a life together.

 

Best hopes and wishes HCEC.

[usa1ah]

I am not exactly sure where all his "honesty" leads.

 

Seems to me that men rarely forget and forgive and so all this pressing of women to tell their bfs/husbands by some men on here, is all about revenge I guess and makes the BHs on here feel better that a cheating woman has received her comeuppance.

BUT when there are children involved it all seems like a bit of a cruel game.

 

Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

So a ONS is nothing?

 

So it’s ok to go out and have ONS now?

 

It’s in shatters now because HCEC betrayed the one she loves. This was eating her up inside. If it didn’t bring her low it would have hardened her heart over the years making a gulf between them. Granted there are men and women that can cheat and think nothing of it, HCEC isn’t one of those thank goodness.

[elaine567]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

[Shining One]

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

I'd hardly consider this your "basic" cheating situation. She cheated, kept it secret, chose to permanently link their lives by having a child, then revealed the truth. To me, this elevates the betrayal to a considerably higher level.

[DKT3]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

 

In all honesty, it's not about her. So you ask we're has it got her, who cares, she made her choice to have an affair it's not really her choice to put two others at risk to pay for her actions. Telling him was the right thing to do, maybe he never forgives her and the relationship is done, maybe it does have a negative Impact on the relationship with the child, but that isn't a product of confession it only speaks to the character of her husband.

 

My guess is it will not have an impact on the father daughter relationship once he is satisfied that the child is actually his.

[S2B]

His relationship should be considered separate from his relationship with you.

 

The child did nothing wrong. He shouldn't need to hold the ill feelings against her - he should be placing them where they belong = onto you.

[usa1ah]

OK, but where has confessing all, actually got her?

Her partner can't even look at their child, it will no doubt affect his bonding with the child, he will take out his frustration, anger and pain on the OP for years, he will not be able to trust her and may even just walk out on her and the child after all that hell anyway...

 

Men it seems to me do not accept cheating women very well.

 

Why should anyone accept someone that cheats? As to men it is simply that when a wife/gf cheats on us we see it as a judgement on our manhood. That we aren’t man enough to keep our loved one from straying. This is how we have brought up. Look at all the things being said in the magazines and television shows. A guy that is cheated on is the butt of all the jokes and a what need was he not fulfilling for her, while the girl is the victim if her husband/bf cheats on her with a how dare he do this.

 

I know if I found that my wife had been unfaithful to me on my own, I would more then like leave.

 

If she came to me remorseful and in obvious distress about it I would be more inclined to think it over before I made a decision. There is nothing I hate more then to be lied to or deceived. That is something that would break my marriage. That is what would breaks trust so effectively, knowing that she could do a ONS and then hide it like nothing happened.

[Darren Steez]

There is a child involved here.

The poor kid...

 

Then maybe the truth should have been outed before conception.

 

No substitute for authenticity.

 

The truth is out, now they can work together to build something stronger and mitigate that "mistake".

[Cullenbohannon]

I don t see how this threadjack helps the OP at all.

Seems like the poster was itching for a fight. Totally unnecessary and shows no class.

Best wishes to the OP and her family

Edited November 21, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[JS84]

Probably better for OP and her husband to deal with all of this while the child is still a baby anyway. At least he/she won't really remember any of this regardless of what they wind up doing.

 

I do think telling was the right move, although it really should have been done before a child was conceived. I agree it really comes off like he was basically trapped.

 

Anyway I think it's a bit early to be questioning his relationship with his child. He just had a bomb dropped on him, he's probably still just processing.

[HCEC]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I doubt he means it IS actually "fine," but it's good news that he wants to stay together and try to put it behind him. However, I hope that this isn't something he's going to hold over your head forever, bringing it up in arguments whenever he pleases. Of course only time will tell if this will happen, but if it does, you two should really consider counseling because that's not fair to you.

 

For now, I guess just be patient? If he wants to talk about it, let him. I'm sure others will have advice.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

Rugsweep anyone? No, it cannot be changed. Stages of grief are going to take a looong time. If you are serious about this marriage, you will answer ALL questions when asked and be as forthright and honest. He doesn't want to talk....Right now. Let him breathe. Poor guy just found out he may have a illegitimate child, a spouse that is in love with another man, and he's paying for it with his physical safety, sanity and his heart. Nothing in his eyes is real. I hope he is still talking to someone professional, whatever that means these days.....

[Poutrew]

OP, expect a revenge affair in your future...

[Space Ritual]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

Don't rest on your laurels thinking this is over...it is just beginning. So strap yourself in for the ride of your life...a ride that cold have been avoided had you done some critical thinking with your brain.

 

It is the calm before the storm. He is in Shock and is bargaining and second guessing your entire relationship, He will continue to do so for the forseeable future.

Any bashing you may receive from us will pale in comparison to what awaits you when the anger stage hits.

Start doing the work involved . This is ALL on YOU. So you will have to invest the years or decades long effort to prove to him that you are a safe wife. At the very minimum 3 to 5 years.

 

If you do not feel you can do that, then dissolve the marriage now. And pretty much you are losing your right to privacy for awhile. He will want to see everything. So in the interest of transparency, you will have to be an open book with your actions, and also he will probably need all access to all your electronic devices for spot checks. He now knows he can't trust what you say, so be prepared to show him your phone at any time, day or night.

 

Also if you are serious about working this out, consider offering to sign a post nup.

 

These are just a couple of things you probably need to be prepared for. His mind will be a rollercoaster. He'll love you one minute and despise you another

 

A daunting task to be sure. However it has been done before. BUT YOU have to put in the work now. YOU have to do the heavy lifting.

 

9 out of 10 times it does not work out because the cheater simply does not have the intestinal fortitude to do the work, with no guarantee of success.

 

This is but small part of things that will probably be part of your life now.

 

 

Just remember , it is not us you have to convince you are safe, it is your husband that you have to prove this all to. And he will be well within his right to simply one day tell you that even though you did the work, its still not enough.

 

So if you can't do the work, let him know now. If you let him twist in Limbo and then start complaining that this is too hard, then you've had it.

[Space Ritual]

OP, expect a revenge affair in your future...

 

IDK. OP proved me wrong once by confessing. Maybe she can do the work.

 

I do realize, especially in my posts, that probably comes across to OP like I am wishing her to fail.

 

I am not. I don't think any of us really are wishing failure.

 

But part of the reason I am pretty brutal on cheaters is that I want them to take their blinders off and accept responsibility for what they did.

 

If I gave them the soft shoe approach, I doubt I would ever get anyone flagging my posts like so many do. I get slapped on the wrist at least once a month for being mean to the cheaters. But doing so means that I struck a nerve, even if it is a bad nerve, at least my more brutal posts get them at least thinking. They may dismiss what I say out of hand, but that wont deter me from attempting to force their eyes open with Clockwork Orange Eye Props.

 

 

But I maintain that if they can't handle it from a random guy on the internet, they sure as hell won't be able to handle the real life fallout . So better for them it happens here in a controlled setting

[Highndry]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

[DKT3]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

 

I disagree. Trust can be regained, but not the blind trust. Blind trust is unhealthy and only for mothers and crazy people. Everyone else should understand that there is always a chance that they can be betrayed.

[TheWoman]

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. The health and well-being of the mother being paramount for infants. If you have personally been through that particular emotional and physical experience, its very hard to see something like this from any other perspective. Children of mothers with post-natal depression can express a wide range of emotional trauma as a result. Add a relationship breakdown to the mix and you have potentially created a lifelong negative impact on that baby. I would not want that resting on my shoulders - not for any amount of money.

 

That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison, if I am being honest. I simply cannot relate. That being said I have a particular distaste for all elements of ownership and possession of other people, whether it be their body or mind. It is simply a matter of priorities. I feel desperately sad for that little baby, and I do hope something good finally comes of this for her, only time now will tell.

[DKT3]

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. The health and well-being of the mother being paramount for infants. If you have personally been through that particular emotional and physical experience, its very hard to see something like this from any other perspective. Children of mothers with post-natal depression can express a wide range of emotional trauma as a result. Add a relationship breakdown to the mix and you have potentially created a lifelong negative impact on that baby. I would not want that resting on my shoulders - not for any amount of money.

 

That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison, if I am being honest. I simply cannot relate. That being said I have a particular distaste for all elements of ownership and possession of other people, whether it be their body or mind. It is simply a matter of priorities. I feel desperately sad for that little baby, and I do hope something good finally comes of this for her, only time now will tell.

Wow, I strongly disagree. I think people (not just women) are actually only thinking of themselves in these situations. They convince themselves that it will actually not impact the child. Were they really thinking of the kids it would be enough for them to not get involved since no kids ever benefit from having cheating parents.

[S2B]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

First things first... have you ended all contact with your OM?

[Space Ritual]

I'm of the opinion that a relationship is over once there's cheating. The trust can never be regained.

 

 

I understand that totally. I was exactly the same way when it happened to me. Always a dealbreaker with extreme prejudice. But that is just me. For some it is not. They are better people than I to be able to extend the hand of forgiveness if they indeed do.

 

Some marriages have survived it. In my opinion as I have previously stated, for the cheater, doing the work to be safe is a daunting task, Moreso because even with doing the work there is no guarantee that there is a reward at the end.

 

When faced with that prospect, many, if not most, either are unable or unwilling to do said work. Not understanding that doing that work will benefit them down the road, even if it is in another relationship is something that usually is unthinkable at the time.

[BMI03]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

 

You did the right thing. Space Ritual has given you some good advice here. Don't expect this to be over. Your fiance's feelings will change and go back and forth. Have patients and address things as he needs to. It will not be easy, but be humble and put the work in. The prize at the end of this is a loving relationship where you know and feel that he really truly loves you for who you are, accepting your faults. Anything else is a lie that you will feel until it explodes and ruins everyone's concept of life.

 

 

...Now we have a man who cannot even look at his child, a man who is in deep depression, who is in hell, who may go off the rails, who will never really get over it and trust anyone again, it is all ruined for him, and for what???

A ONS more or less...

 

I think women, in particular mothers, tend to be concerned with the impact on the innocent child in these situations. ...That a bit of another mans flesh touched a part of this woman's flesh that our society dictates it should not have on one occasion, seems rather petty in comparison....

 

These comments shock me to the core. I cannot believe that one human being (male or female) can be so cold of empathy to another human being. What right does anyone have over another person to be so controlling over the outcome of their feelings that they would lie to them and hide the truth about the life they are living and investing their time in. It is gut wrenching to think yet that such a lack of respect and compassion could come from the person who claims to love you, no less. These comments are terrifying in how casually they redirect blame for the fall out to the activity of telling the truth, vs. the actual cheating itself.

 

If someone doesn't want to tell, I can't say that I don't understand the urge. That's human nature to feel avoidance for paying the price for your betrayal. But if that's the position you take, then own it, and leave your poor spouse. It's doubling down on your betrayal to continue stealing more time from someone by letting them live a lie.

[usa1ah]

So,

 

My fiancée came home last night and said it’s all fine. It’s done and can’t be changed. That we will work it out and stay together

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it but I know he is very hurt.

 

I am guessing this is a stage but don’t know what to do?

 

Advice - please no more bashing of me!

 

There are books out there that can help you help him. I really don’t know the names of the books, sorry about that. I think Dr Harley has some out there called Surviving an Affair.

 

One thing HCEC he has to see that you are remorseful and trying to fix this.

 

Best wishes HCEC

[JS84]

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald is a decent book from what I've heard.