Crying over my ex.... why?

[What-2-Do]

My ex and I were together for 16 years. 13 of those years were mostly great and the last 3 were pretty terrible.

 

Fast forward, I was in a sexless marriage for a long time (although she did get sick) and I eventually cheated on her with a much younger woman. I ended up moving out right after and I've been with the younger woman for the past 5+ months. Things are mostly great with us.

 

My ex turned pretty crazy during this process which I don't blame her. Anyways, now she's started dating and I can't stop thinking about her. Last night I had a terrible dream about her and this morning I've literally been crying and wondering if I made a huge mistake.

 

Now, that we've been separated she's finally no longer sick, has lost a lot of weight (which is actually bad) and has been getting help for depression which she wouldn't do before.

 

I'm happy with my new g/f but the uncertainty of a future with her drives me crazy. My wife was the most loyal person I've ever met and now for some crazy ass reason I'm second guessing everything.

 

What the hell is wrong with me?????

[stillafool]

I don't understand. If you say your relationship with your gf is mostly great; yet you were in a sexless marriage with your ex, why would you want her back over your gf?

Why are you uncertain about a future with your gf? Have you two discussed the future?

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you didn't do what was required to have "a good end" to your relationship with your ex and you rushed right into another relationship with another woman. In other words, you have a lot of unfinished business with your ex and you have simply distracted yourself with your new girlfriend.

 

Think about a man after the death of his wife, who falls in love with the first woman he meets and doesn't grieve the loss of his wife. Did you actually grieve the loss of your marriage and take the time that you need to feel good about moving forward toward a different life?

 

If you haven't been to see a counsellor, I would suggest that you find a good counsellor and go and talk to someone. It will be hard to move forward with your life and really hard to see your wife moving forward with her life until you deal with some of these feelings. And of course, it will take a lot of time...

[What-2-Do]

With all due respect, you didn't do what was required to have "a good end" to your relationship with your ex and you rushed right into another relationship with another woman. In other words, you have a lot of unfinished business with your ex and you have simply distracted yourself with your new girlfriend.

 

Think about a man after the death of his wife, who falls in love with the first woman he meets and doesn't grieve the loss of his wife. Did you actually grieve the loss of your marriage and take the time that you need to feel good about moving forward toward a different life?

 

If you haven't been to see a counsellor, I would suggest that you find a good counsellor and go and talk to someone. It will be hard to move forward with your life and really hard to see your wife moving forward with her life until you deal with some of these feelings. And of course, it will take a lot of time...

 

It's a great point. I think because the last 3 years of our marriage was so difficult that I felt like I was single and had time to grieve the relationship when in fact I didn't. I know I didn't do things right and I have a million regrets. Not just for what I did to my family but also how I started my relationship with my new g/f.

 

My new g/f is AWESOME and I do love her and we have discussed the future obviously. The uncertainty is that my wife was super loyal and I never once ever thought she would ever step outside the marriage and I know she never did. I don't think my g/f would but I've only known her for about 10 months now so who the hell knows?

 

I had a really upsetting dream last night and thinking of my wife with another man breaks my heart. I don't even know why and I would never want to ever go back to how things were.

[Cullenbohannon]

I don't get it. Does it break your heart when you are making love to YOUR girlfriend? If my fiance heart was breaking, thinking about his X, he would not be my fiance.

[stillafool]

It could be because you know your wife has not had sex with anyone other than you and now you know, very soon, this is going to change.

[BaileyB]

You are also, extremely indecisive and conflict avoidant. We all learned this, during the months and months that you considered leaving your marriage... One day, you were determined to leave and the next, you were determined to make it work.

 

That's all well and good. theoretically, as it relates to change, this is called the contemplation stage of change. But, most people contemplate change and then move toward an action. You never really made a firm decision... You cheated and she asked you to leave. Right? To avoid the responsibility of making a decision and the conflict that would come from that decision, you did something that would encourage her to make the decision for you...

 

Now, you are feeling more internal conflict because your wife is moving on with her life. You are still indecisive and second guessing your "decision." You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

 

You wanted the ability to be in a relationship and have sex with your hot, young girlfriend... Own that decision and understand that you don't have a say anymore in who your wife dates/has sex. That's the way it works when you leave a marriage... that door is closed to you now. It's time to deal with it and move on.

[somanymistakes]

It's normal to still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. This is why people are often advised not to date ont eh rebound, because someone going through a divorce is usually a huge mess. Even if they initiated the breakup.

 

It doesn't mean there's something horribly wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should get back together with your ex. It just means you're still processing this huge change in your life.

 

Talk to a counsellor, you need an outlet.

[What-2-Do]

You are also, extremely indecisive and conflict avoidant. We all learned this, during the months and months that you considered leaving your marriage... One day, you were determined to leave and the next, you were determined to make it work.

 

That's all well and good. theoretically, as it relates to change, this is called the contemplation stage of change. But, most people contemplate change and then move toward an action. You never really made a firm decision... You cheated and she asked you to leave. Right? To avoid the responsibility of making a decision and the conflict that would come from that decision, you did something that would encourage her to make the decision for you...

 

Now, you are feeling more internal conflict because your wife is moving on with her life. You are still indecisive and second guessing your "decision." You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

 

You wanted the ability to be in a relationship and have sex with your hot, young girlfriend... Own that decision and understand that you don't have a say anymore in who your wife dates/has sex. That's the way it works when you leave a marriage... that door is closed to you now. It's time to deal with it and move on.

 

You're 1000% correct. In business and in the majority of my life I'm not indecisive. With my marriage I totally was and I think that's normal. We had 13 MOSTLY AWESOME years together and went thru a lot. Something changed over the last 3 years and I was always hopeful it would go back to how things were.

 

Now, that she's moved on I'm feeling a boatload of emotions taking over me. I never for the life of me ever would have thought we would split up when we got married and even for the first 10 years of our marriage. I didn't have the balls to end the marriage so I basically made her kick me out.

 

When I left she begged and begged and pleaded to have me come back and every single time I chose my girlfriend over her. Even nights where she would ask to come home and watch a movie with her I would go and then run out as quickly as I could to be with my gf. It was a no-brainer that I wanted the gf over my wife 1000%.

 

Then, whenever I am with my gf I'm super happy and things are mostly awesome. She's smart, funny, insanely beautiful, and caring. Contact with my wife basically disappeared unless it was with regards to our son.

 

Then, the first guy comes along and it freaks me out. Didn't last more than a handful of dates and they never had sex or anything. Now, she's seeing someone else and it's killing me inside. I don't know if it's because I regret ending things or that I'm just not ready for her to be with another guy? I honestly don't have the answer.

 

When I first started dating and everyone told me to take time for myself I laughed it off and didn't understand why. I should have just slept with a few random women and had no feelings towards them. (although, I've never done that before in my life it's not who I am) Now, I think the reality has hit me that my wife is truly gone forever and I will always wonder if I made the right decision.

 

That said, I'm prob. the happiest I've ever been with my new g/f. UGH

[What-2-Do]

It's normal to still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. This is why people are often advised not to date ont eh rebound, because someone going through a divorce is usually a huge mess. Even if they initiated the breakup.

 

It doesn't mean there's something horribly wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should get back together with your ex. It just means you're still processing this huge change in your life.

 

Talk to a counsellor, you need an outlet.

 

I was always the guy without baggage and now I'm the one carrying the most.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Did you make a huge mistake in causing the end of your marriage? Yes. You still have feelings for your wife and are still feeling the guilt for what you did. You probably always will.

 

I think it's very normal when a long term relationship ends, and especially when kids are involved, to feel this way. There's probably part of you that is saying, "why does she want to have sex with him and didn't want to with me?" Fair question. And, I would guess that you're also starting to question the validity of your complaints about her, especially since she is being desired by other men.

[What-2-Do]

Did you make a huge mistake in causing the end of your marriage? Yes. You still have feelings for your wife and are still feeling the guilt for what you did. You probably always will.

 

I think it's very normal when a long term relationship ends, and especially when kids are involved, to feel this way. There's probably part of you that is saying, "why does she want to have sex with him and didn't want to with me?" Fair question. And, I would guess that you're also starting to question the validity of your complaints about her, especially since she is being desired by other men.

 

Pretty much. I'm a way better looking guy than this new guy and he is a security guard so he doesn't even have a real career. She says she hasn't had sex with him but it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't for all the rejection she gave me we never would have split in the first place.

 

Thinking long-term with my new g/f scares me because who knows how trust-worthy she truly is. She's had a good number of partners so who the hell knows?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Pretty much. I'm a way better looking guy than this new guy and he is a security guard so he doesn't even have a real career. She says she hasn't had sex with him but it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't for all the rejection she gave me we never would have split in the first place.

 

Thinking long-term with my new g/f scares me because who knows how trust-worthy she truly is. She's had a good number of partners so who the hell knows?

 

Why are you talking about your ex-wife's sex life with her? Does your GF know this?

[BaileyB]

Why are you talking about your ex-wife's sex life with her? Does your GF know this?

 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

 

You made your decision. You have no say in who she dates or with whom she has sex... You shouldn't be talking about this with her.

 

And yes, it's a total crap shoot with the new girlfriend. But, isn't it the same for every relationship? You never would have predicted that you would be HERE when you married your wife...

[chinadiary]

You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

 

 

This is me. How do you get to this point of certainty with decisions, and see it thru? I can't be firm in decisions in my personal life. I just can't. It's as if I'm an addict and can't let go.

[stillafool]

It isn't your business what your wife is doing with other men. Sorry that you are not ready for her to move on. I imagine she wasn't ready to deal with your moving on with your affair partner either. You've made you choice now live with it and do not toy with your wife anymore because of your selfishness. She deserves to finally be happy including great sex. So leave her alone and mind your business with your gf. I don't know why you are so worried about whether your gf will be faithful or not. You weren't faithful to your wife and yes Karma is a bitch.

[rickwman]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a body/soul/spirit relationship. You are experiencing the guilt that came with your affair. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? I'll pray and stand with you both that your marriage can still work and both of you can be at peace and walk in forgiveness.

[Birdies]

I think it's just hard to lose a life partner, even if it was your own doing and you don't really regret it. It's especially hard when they seem to be improving themselves and doing the things that you wished they had done when you were together.

 

I can relate to this. I had an affair, we got divorced, I've apologized a gazillion times to my ex and we left things in a pretty decent way - he was very gracious and I"m grateful for that. I'm still in a really happy relationship now with the OM now almost 2 years after D-Day. But I still miss my ex sometimes - he was my best friend for 15 years, and he's such a great guy. But like your ex (it sounds like), a tough person to be married to. I also have a lot of guilt still. All this just takes time. And counseling is useful too.

 

Try to do whatever you can NOT to be selfish. Your ex probably needs space from you. Just leave her alone, even though you don't want to lose her friendship. Do it because you should do everything possible to make her situation better, after the shlt you put her through. That's been my approach, at least.

 

As for not trusting your AP.... well, yeah. She had a relationship with a married man. You're not exactly trust-worthy yourself. All you guys can do is just try to communicate openly and honestly, and see if you can trust each other.

Edited November 15, 2017 by Birdies

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This woman you had the affair with, was she also cheating on someone by being with you? Maybe that's why you don't know if she's trustworthy? How does she feel about trusting you?

[elaine567]

This woman you had the affair with, was she also cheating on someone by being with you?

Maybe that's why you don't know if she's trustworthy?

 

She is only 24.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is only 24.

 

I know, but she still could be a cheater.

[elaine567]

I know, but she still could be a cheater.

 

I did not post that to suggest she was an "innocent".

I think the OP is correct to not trust her, not necessarily that she will cheat she may do, she may not, but I guess she will soon get fed up and go on to other things. They are always "so mature" until they aren't...

Seems to me that in big age gap relationships it is the older man that gets hurt, whilst the woman in her early twenties just moves on.

 

Of course this may just be a fun, "filler", exit affair type relationship for the OP anyway so no real harm done.

[whatcanitellyou]

Well once your wife has a new guy she will no longer be plan b for you. Sounds like you kind of liked knowing that she wanted you back, in case your gf doesn't work out.

 

Also, your gf slept with a married man, so that tells you something about her.

 

You are now talking about a future with a 24 year old that sleeps with married men and you've known 10 months, and are also realizing that the back up will soon be gone.

 

You have to square these things.

[BettyDraper]

I don't believe that you love your girlfriend. You're just using her as an emotional life raft so that you don't have to grieve the loss of your marriage. It makes sense that you have doubts about her loyalty because she slept with a married man. Loyal and trustworthy folks do not sleep with marrieds.

 

You're crying over your ex because you feel guilty about cheating on her and the fact that she is dating means that your marriage is truly over. She's not trying to get you back anymore.

 

W2D, I notice an astonishing level of emotional immaturity in your posts. You're in your 40s but some of your behavior is more suited to a man in his 20s. Cheating because you didn't have the cojones to end your marriage in an honorable way, allowing your ex to take you for a ride during the marriage and using this young woman to feel better are juvenile decisions. It sounds like you are having a midlife crisis and your divorce may have brought this on.

 

Please consider ending your "relationship" with your AP. She deserves to be with someone who can love her completely. You cannot do that until you have grieved your marriage and seen a counselor for a while. Your difficulties in making emotionally sound decisions will lead you into a rebound marriage and those rarely end well. You should NOT be discussing the future with another woman when the ink isn't even dry on your divorce papers.

[norudder]

You posted in the marriage forum instead of divorce and separation. You call her your wife and you call her your ex. Make it one or the other. It sounds like you still aren't decided or committed to knowing what (not who) you want and just as importantly, why. Spend some more time in counseling.