Crying over my ex.... why?

[BaileyB]

If she was my daughter and she brought home a man who was two years younger than me, I would be very upset. You must know that no mother dreams of this for her daughter.

 

That said, I agree with deadsoul... enjoy the hot sex for what it is while you have it because you haven't had that for a long time. As you are coming to realize, it's unlikely that this relationship will go the distance... don't try to make it more than it is by moving in together too quickly and assuming the role of provider for this woman.

Edited December 19, 2017 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

I agree that W2D shouldn't be rushing this relationship or think that he's in love with his girlfriend. He is mistaking strong sexual attraction for love. There was no reason to meet his girlfriend's parents or introduce his girlfriend to his son because this relationship is not as serious as W2D thinks it is. He's rushing because he's lonely and he doesn't want to deal with the grief of his divorce.

Edited December 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread clean up ~T

[What-2-Do]

What about your child?

Remember him?

The one who is going off the rails with a almost permanantly crying mother and a father totally wrapped up in sex with his gf...

Oodles on here about sex, sex and even more sex...

Do you actually think about anything else?

 

Are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? I see my son all the time and we do a ton together. Don't try to make me out to being a bad father as you don't know me. I do everything for my son and if my ex is still crying I can't help that. Yes, he's going to have issues from time to time but the funny part is these things ONLY happen when he's with my ex. NEVER when he's with me. Why you might ask? Because the two of them are like oil and water. All she does is scream, yell, and punish him. So don't try to make me out to being a bad father.

[What-2-Do]

Re: OP not mentioning his son

 

No, he's not mentioning his son. That's for the parenting board. Just because he isn't mentioning his son, doesn't mean he's not thinking about him and his needs. If IRL, he's putting his girlfriend before his son then that's a different story. He did mention his son having behavior issues, but the best we can do here is suggest counseling. We can't automatically assume that OP's actions are causing his son's behaviors.

 

Also, why the focus on OP's looks? I got the feeling he was mentioning his height and weight to show that he's intimidating. I don't know what cauliflower ear is, something I'll have to google.

 

OP, I've given my advice, take it or leave it... I just have one more thing to mention: people come on here and seem to project their own issues on to other people and you have to take it all with a grain of salt.

 

I guess I did the same because all these posts about not mentioning your kid struck a nerve with me. I didn't mention my kids in my thread, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them.

 

But my other observation is that you seem to be taking some heat and you keep coming back for more. Maybe it doesn't bother you? Maybe you think you deserve it?

 

Finally, my last observation is... one of my big "a-ha" moments is that it was so easy to focus on my spouse's short-comings and faults, rather than all the things he does good. If anyone has a perfect relationship and is the perfect mate, fantastic. But in your case, I can't help but wonder if you became so focused on the sexual aspect missing from your marriage that when you found it with someone else, you thought all the other pieces would fall into place. Only they don't seem to be doing that.

 

So maybe this girl isn't your future and that's okay. You don't need to be serious and you are still sorting out your previous relationship. There's no need to rush anything at this point. Just have wild monkey sex with her and be happy with that.

 

 

EXACTLY.... this post is about my relationship with my g/f and my ex NOT MY SON.... Just because I'm not throwing all the details of my son into this doesn't mean I'm not heavily involved. I can promise I do more for my son than the bitter women's s/o's do.

 

I mentioned my height and weight not to brag at all. I could care less but simply to make a point. Cauliflower ear is what fighters get from fighting/training.

 

You're also right that maybe my g/f isn't going to be a long term thing or anything really serious but right now she fits a need that I have and I enjoy spending time with her. Yes, the sex is awesome and it's something I've done without for years and years so I'm going to embrace it while I can.

[sandylee1]

Are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? I see my son all the time and we do a ton together. Don't try to make me out to being a bad father as you don't know me. I do everything for my son and if my ex is still crying I can't help that. Yes, he's going to have issues from time to time but the funny part is these things ONLY happen when he's with my ex. NEVER when he's with me. Why you might ask? Because the two of them are like oil and water. All she does is scream, yell, and punish him. So don't try to make me out to being a bad father.

 

So she's a bad mother as well as a bad wife then. What on earth would make you want her back if she's this bad?

 

In fact if she's such a bad mom...crying..yelling and punishing him ALL THE TIME ...then I would have thought you'd go for primary custody and remove your son from this constant misery.

 

It can't be much fun getting punished all the time... being yelled at.

 

I certainly would be looking at how to protect my child from the never ending abuse his mother is inflicting on him.

 

Is she punishing him for nothing? Or because he's behaved badly?

 

If he is getting punished for his behaviour.... which only manifests with her....then you need to get to the bottom of it.

 

As his dad...if he tells you how it is with mom...that's a cry for help. What are you doing about it?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? I see my son all the time and we do a ton together. Don't try to make me out to being a bad father as you don't know me. I do everything for my son and if my ex is still crying I can't help that. Yes, he's going to have issues from time to time but the funny part is these things ONLY happen when he's with my ex. NEVER when he's with me. Why you might ask? Because the two of them are like oil and water. All she does is scream, yell, and punish him. So don't try to make me out to being a bad father.

 

I'm sure you're not a bad father, but I think the point that is trying to be made here is that the child is ALWAYS the priority. There are no exceptions. Either you think it's essential to structure your life around what is best for your child/children, or you don't. And it doesn't sound like that's what is happening here, since this relationship with this young lady who wants you to erase your past can't possibly be in this child's best interest.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't doubt you love your son. But I do doubt that his needs are being put first by anyone in this equation. Not your wife who cries all the time and screams at him, not you whose focus is mostly on the good sex, and certainly not the girlfriend who probably doesn't even enjoy when he's around.

[What-2-Do]

So she's a bad mother as well as a bad wife then. What on earth would make you want her back if she's this bad?

 

In fact if she's such a bad mom...crying..yelling and punishing him ALL THE TIME ...then I would have thought you'd go for primary custody and remove your son from this constant misery.

 

It can't be much fun getting punished all the time... being yelled at.

 

I certainly would be looking at how to protect my child from the never ending abuse his mother is inflicting on him.

 

Is she punishing him for nothing? Or because he's behaved badly?

 

If he is getting punished for his behaviour.... which only manifests with her....then you need to get to the bottom of it.

 

As his dad...if he tells you how it is with mom...that's a cry for help. What are you doing about it?

 

Honestly, I've been taking him more an more and taking him for more overnights etc. Yes, she yells at him for anything and everything and I can reason with him and get better results. The last episode he had last week I was the one to calm him down. I don't like the way she parents and I've said that to her forever. She's not going to change. She thinks she's disciplining him but it's just causing him more and more stress.

 

She isn't a bad mother but I don't agree with her parenting style. We've been trying to get him into counseling but not having any luck getting an appointment.

[sandylee1]

YOU may put it all down to her mother's "self-centredness", but if you had a 25yo daughter what would you say...?

I very much doubt that this scenario is the dream situation you would want for your daughter or your son for that matter...

Parents tend to want their children, both boys and girls to have a trouble free existence, getting involved with all the "baggage" that you bring, at only 25 is usually a big no-no as far as they are concerned.

 

I guess your gf also knows how mixed up this all is and it may be another reason why she is so determined to obliterate your past as if it never existed.

No matter how "bad" the mother/daughter relationship may seem, most daughters at some level want to please their parents and want their approval.

Your gf may think that once you are "clean" from your baggage, you may be seen as more "acceptable" not only to her parents, family and friends, but to herself too...

 

Excellent post Elaine. No mother wants their 25 year old beautiful daughter with a divorcee 15 year older and a child in tow.

 

Your GF has a high place in the dating market.... in her mom's eyes...she can do way better than you.

 

@Betty Draper

 

I agree with much of what you said about shorter men too. That has been my experience (not through dating as I don't go for shorter men) ...but equally I've seen some really lovely shorter men... who are partners/husbands of friends. Very sweet guys.

[sandylee1]

Honestly, I've been taking him more an more and taking him for more overnights etc. Yes, she yells at him for anything and everything and I can reason with him and get better results. The last episode he had last week I was the one to calm him down. I don't like the way she parents and I've said that to her forever. She's not going to change. She thinks she's disciplining him but it's just causing him more and more stress.

 

She isn't a bad mother but I don't agree with her parenting style. We've been trying to get him into counseling but not having any luck getting an appointment.

 

That's good to hear that you've been spending more time with him.

 

Perhaps the issue is that when you were together... things didn't escalate did badly with your son... now he has a mom who is suffering from the effects of a betrayal and her mmarriage has crumbled. So it's a lot worse.

 

You may think your wife is the only one you betrayed... but your son is suffering greatly.

 

 

Not just because his parents have split up.... but because of how it happened.

 

The effect of your cheating on her...has affected your son.

 

Cheaters (not you specifically) are always quick to say they are great and wonderful parents.... without regard for the impact of their infidelity on their children.

 

I've been aware of my father's infidelity....and it affected me.. so no matter how great of a dad he is it thinks he is...35 odd years later

.... I haven't forgotten what he did.

[BettyDraper]

YOU may put it all down to her mother's "self-centredness", but if you had a 25yo daughter what would you say...?

I very much doubt that this scenario is the dream situation you would want for your daughter or your son for that matter...

Parents tend to want their children, both boys and girls to have a trouble free existence, getting involved with all the "baggage" that you bring, at only 25 is usually a big no-no as far as they are concerned.

 

I guess your gf also knows how mixed up this all is and it may be another reason why she is so determined to obliterate your past as if it never existed.

No matter how "bad" the mother/daughter relationship may seem, most daughters at some level want to please their parents and want their approval.

Your gf may think that once you are "clean" from your baggage, you may be seen as more "acceptable" not only to her parents, family and friends, but to herself too...

 

The GF might think that being clear of baggage might be helpful but the reality is that W2D will always have his ex wife and son in his life. Those aspects of his life aren't going to change unless W2D completely abandons his son. At this point, I don't get the impression that he will do so.

 

I agree that the girlfriend's mother likely believes that her daughter can do far better than W2D. No parent wants to see their child with someone who is much older and comes with a lot of baggage. W2D's girlfriend can easily find a younger man who doesn't have an ex wife and kids.

[BettyDraper]

That's good to hear that you've been spending more time with him.

 

Perhaps the issue is that when you were together... things didn't escalate did badly with your son... now he has a mom who is suffering from the effects of a betrayal and her mmarriage has crumbled. So it's a lot worse.

 

You may think your wife is the only one you betrayed... but your son is suffering greatly.

 

 

Not just because his parents have split up.... but because of how it happened.

 

The effect of your cheating on her...has affected your son.

 

Cheaters (not you specifically) are always quick to say they are great and wonderful parents.... without regard for the impact of their infidelity on their children.

 

I've been aware of my father's infidelity....and it affected me.. so no matter how great of a dad he is it thinks he is...35 odd years later

.... I haven't forgotten what he did.

 

Is W2D's son aware of the infidelity?

 

I believe that W2D's ex wife is probably very stressed and unhappy.

That is why she is shouting at her son more often. It still doesn't excuse her behavior though.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

W2D's girlfriend can easily find a younger man who doesn't have an ex wife and kids.

 

True, but that sure would suck for W2D, since he moved in so quickly as her neighbor. (It would be hard for him to "see" that) I am curious if you regret that decision now, W2D.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is W2D's son aware of the infidelity?

 

I believe that W2D's ex wife is probably very stressed and unhappy.

That is why she is shouting at her son more often. It still doesn't excuse her behavior though.

 

Yeah, I agree, although it doesn't excuse it. My kids saw a LOT of emotion and screaming and yelling from me (not AT them, but TO them and ABOUT their father) in the aftermath of his infidelity. I'm not at all proud of that, and am a completely different person today (I can't even imagine yelling at them lol), but it's true what they say....hurt people hurt people .

[BettyDraper]

Yeah, I agree, although it doesn't excuse it. My kids saw a LOT of emotion and screaming and yelling from me (not AT them, but TO them and ABOUT their father) in the aftermath of his infidelity. I'm not at all proud of that, and am a completely different person today (I can't even imagine yelling at them lol), but it's true what they say....hurt people hurt people .

 

 

I don't think that yelling is always bad. Sometimes regular voices are not effective because some people do not take kind voices seriously. That said, I can see why you feel guilty. At least you understand the error of your ways. Some mothers can't do that.

[sandylee1]

Is W2D's son aware of the infidelity?

 

I believe that W2D's ex wife is probably very stressed and unhappy.

 

Even for a kid his age it's not rocket science. Dad moves out...has a new GF.... mum cries every night.

 

Adults always think kids don't know.... but they're smarter than they are given credit for.

 

When she gets a man who she's happy with and cherishes her ....she'll be happier and I'm sure the shouting will diminish. When you're loved up...you treat others better.

[BettyDraper]

Even for a kid his age it's not rocket science. Dad moves out...has a new GF.... mum cries every night.

 

Adults always think kids don't know.... but they're smarter than they are given credit for.

 

When she gets a man who she's happy with and cherishes her ....she'll be happier and I'm sure the shouting will diminish. When you're loved up...you treat others better.

 

While I agree that children know more than we believe, I don't know if such a young child would automatically make the link to infidelity. I could see an older child coming to that conclusion though.

 

I hope the shouting decreases but W2D's ex shouldn't be taking out her pain on her child. That's unfair and uncalled for. It isn't her son's fault that she's in that situation. She needs to direct the anger where it belongs and find a therapist as soon as she can.

[elaine567]

While I agree that children know more than we believe, I don't know if such a young child would automatically make the link to infidelity. I could see an older child coming to that conclusion though.

 

The child is nine, I guess he knows all about it.

[BettyDraper]

The child is nine, I guess he knows all about it.

 

I don't know. He could have overheard some arguments or phone calls.

Whether he knows or not, the point is that W2D would do well to focus on his son rather than moving in with his girlfriend in a few months.

[sandylee1]

While I agree that children know more than we believe, I don't know if such a young child would automatically make the link to infidelity. I could see an older child coming to that conclusion though.

 

I hope the shouting decreases but W2D's ex shouldn't be taking out her pain on her child. That's unfair and uncalled for. It isn't her son's fault that she's in that situation. She needs to direct the anger where it belongs and find a therapist as soon as she can.

 

My brother moved out avd his kids were told him and SIL were splitting up.

 

My niece was 8 years old and asked if it was because either of them was in love with someone else.

 

My parents would be shocked if they knew the stuff I was aware of as a kid.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My brother moved out avd his kids were told him and SIL were splitting up.

 

My niece was 8 years old and asked if it was because either of them was in love with someone else.

 

My parents would be shocked if they knew the stuff I was aware of as a kid.

 

Even if kids that age don't know about sex (especially hot sex with a young hot woman who loves oral sex!.....at least for now ), they DO understand "Daddy decided he loves someone more than he loves me (Mommy) and that's not OK with me."

[BettyDraper]

Even if kids that age don't know about sex (especially hot sex with a young hot woman who loves oral sex!.....at least for now ), they DO understand "Daddy decided he loves someone more than he loves me (Mommy) and that's not OK with me."

 

I agree. My point is that none of us are aware of what W2D's son knows.

[whichwayisup]

You're also right that maybe my g/f isn't going to be a long term thing or anything really serious but right now she fits a need that I have and I enjoy spending time with her. Yes, the sex is awesome and it's something I've done without for years and years so I'm going to embrace it while I can.

 

Then you need to be completely honest with your gf and tell her exactly what you've said here. A relationship that isn't too serious and you two are 'dating' and having fun. DO NOT, I repeat, do NOT move in with her!

 

This R is about the sex. I can see already the issues you have outside of the bedroom will eventually ruin the R. Sure you care about her and are probably emotionally attached but it won't last. Her fits of jealously and not accepting that your ex will ALWAYS be in your life on some level, will get in the way and already you say it's getting old, her being upset about your past etc.

[What-2-Do]

Then you need to be completely honest with your gf and tell her exactly what you've said here. A relationship that isn't too serious and you two are 'dating' and having fun. DO NOT, I repeat, do NOT move in with her!

 

This R is about the sex. I can see already the issues you have outside of the bedroom will eventually ruin the R. Sure you care about her and are probably emotionally attached but it won't last. Her fits of jealously and not accepting that your ex will ALWAYS be in your life on some level, will get in the way and already you say it's getting old, her being upset about your past etc.

 

You're prob. right with this statement and I hope that you're wrong. Not because I disagree with this statement I just hope that we can work things out. People here are saying the relationship is only about sex and that's totally not true. Yes, the sex is amazing but I just love being around her. We have a strong connection and are happy when we are together. We both have a lot going on in our lives right now which has added stress to our relationship. She's working towards a major promotion at her job and has to take an exam in early February. She's got screwed a year ago and was already supposed to be in this position so it's been a long road. She just got approval for the exam yesterday so that's a huge stress relief. Once she passes the exam and we go on our cruise the return will lead her to the career she's been working towards which will take away a lot of her stress.

[MJJean]

You're prob. right with this statement and I hope that you're wrong. Not because I disagree with this statement I just hope that we can work things out. People here are saying the relationship is only about sex and that's totally not true. Yes, the sex is amazing but I just love being around her. We have a strong connection and are happy when we are together. We both have a lot going on in our lives right now which has added stress to our relationship. She's working towards a major promotion at her job and has to take an exam in early February. She's got screwed a year ago and was already supposed to be in this position so it's been a long road. She just got approval for the exam yesterday so that's a huge stress relief. Once she passes the exam and we go on our cruise the return will lead her to the career she's been working towards which will take away a lot of her stress.

 

None of which addresses the real problem: Your age difference, the recent crisis year you're still reeling from, and the fact that she can't wrap her mind around you having "been there, done that" and have a kid and a divorce in progress to prove it.

 

You're brain is marinading in neurochemicals released by sex and orgasm and you're not thinking any more clearly than you were on the prescribed medication, you know that, right? You're in the sex haze, the rose colored glasses stage. The reality is that you aren't a long term compatible match and you know it. You just don't want it to be true because...well, sex and companionship.

 

I think you're overlooking the fact that you can find emotional connection and sex with any number of women. Some of whom will understand that your son is particularly needy at this time due to his age and the situation.

 

Spend some time single, get your poop in a group, and then seek out a mature compatible mate who is understanding of your obligation to your son.

[elaine567]

I very much doubt that any kid of nine who has been exposed to any of the media that is present in 2017 or has friends in school, is going to be "innocent" of all the things adults get up to.

I also guess that his crying, yelling mother has probably at some time uttered "...that lying cheating b*****", in reference to his father, in the throes of her distress...

Also people talk and whilst he may have been sheltered from the truth if his mother and father have been very protective, I guess his "friends" have kindly brought him up to speed on the local gossip.