Crying over my ex.... why?

[BaileyB]

Then you need to be completely honest with your gf and tell her exactly what you've said here. A relationship that isn't too serious and you two are 'dating' and having fun. DO NOT, I repeat, do NOT move in with her!

 

This. I would imagine based on her jealousy toward your exwife and your son, and considering the fact that you have discussed moving in together this spring, that she believes this relationship to be a serious relationship that is moving toward a future life together. You may be unintentionally doing it, but don't lead this young girl on...

[BettyDraper]

None of which addresses the real problem: Your age difference, the recent crisis year you're still reeling from, and the fact that she can't wrap her mind around you having "been there, done that" and have a kid and a divorce in progress to prove it.

 

You're brain is marinading in neurochemicals released by sex and orgasm and you're not thinking any more clearly than you were on the prescribed medication, you know that, right? You're in the sex haze, the rose colored glasses stage. The reality is that you aren't a long term compatible match and you know it. You just don't want it to be true because...well, sex and companionship.

 

I think you're overlooking the fact that you can find emotional connection and sex with any number of women. Some of whom will understand that your son is particularly needy at this time due to his age and the situation.

 

Spend some time single, get your poop in a group, and then seek out a mature compatible mate who is understanding of your obligation to your son.

 

As much as I agree with you, I don't believe that W2D is going to heed the advice of posters who tell him that he needs to be alone. He's clearly adamant about being in love with his girlfriend despite the clear indications that they are not compatible. At this point, all we can do is accept that W2D is going to make his own decisions and share our opinions whenever he updates us.

[BettyDraper]

I very much doubt that any kid of nine who has been exposed to any of the media that is present in 2017 or has friends in school, is going to be "innocent" of all the things adults get up to.

I also guess that his crying, yelling mother has probably at some time uttered "...that lying cheating b*****", in reference to his father, in the throes of her distress...

Also people talk and whilst he may have been sheltered from the truth if his mother and father have been very protective, I guess his "friends" have kindly brought him up to speed on the local gossip.

 

Until W2D clarifies his son's knowledge of his parents' divorce, we have no idea what the boy has been exposed to or what he currently knows. For that reason, I have moved on from this speculation.

[BettyDraper]

This. I would imagine based on her jealousy toward your exwife and your son, and considering the fact that you have discussed moving in together this spring, that she believes this relationship to be a serious relationship that is moving toward a future life together. You may be unintentionally doing it, but don't lead this young girl on...

 

I agree with you...but W2D hasn't shown himself to be the most honorable and caring person. He seems to focus mostly on his own emotional needs rather than caring about the feelings of others. This is evidenced by his infidelity, immediately moving on to his AP and refusing to be mindful about how his new "relationship" affects his son.

 

Based on my observations and experiences, people typically don't care if they are giving others false hope as long as they are getting what they want from everyone in their lives.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess everyone makes their bed at some stage of their lives and then they have to lie on it. Even if it is uncomfortable or is not the proper size for them or is, in any other way, incompatible with their needs, they have to make do with it. The fact is that we constantly make choices in our lives which, at that moment look good but have not been thought out rigorously, and here I am talking about choices affecting our long term well being and happiness and then years later, the effects of such choices begin to materialize and cause us grief.

 

I think the OP is on the threshold of making such a choice. The way it will impact him years later is something in the future and he does not want to focus on the long term implications of his imminent choice. Well, as people here ate fond of saying but put the other way around, it is his circus and his monkey and so he will have to deal with the fallout, if any, the best he can. The wisdom on this board is that when a union occurs as a result of cheating, it has a short lived life. Maybe the OP can beat the odds. Warm wishes.

[What-2-Do]

For people to say I don't care about others is really untrue. Up until recently most decisions I've made were with regards to putting others before me. That was pretty much the death of my business. I put my employees needs above my own and it cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars.

 

In the situation I'm currently in I honestly don't know what to expect. I still love my wife and I always will. Seeing that it is Christmas Eve and I'm not with her it really hurts. As someone else has said I made the bed I'm currently lying in. I do miss her and I always will. I will also always wonder what would have ever happened had we have tired "again" to work it out.

 

My new g/f has the qualities I wanted from my wife. Yes, the sex is great and maybe it has clouded my judgement. I've done without for so long and now it's there whenever I want it. But, the compassion part is there. She's very affectionate and is always hugging or kissing me or rubbing my back or head and that goes a long way. My wife would never touch me unless I pretty much begged.

 

Yes, the uncertainty here sucks. I know if I were to go back to my wife she would be 100% loyal and I'm pretty confident that she would change. However, how long would it take before we're back to being roommates? I will always love her and I will always regret what I did to her. I will always wonder if there was another approach I could have taken to get her to go to counseling or to at least try to make things better. In my mind I tried everything but clearly I didn't. When this all started and she begged me to come back I know at that time if I did then things would have been better at least for some time.

 

Nobody has a crystal ball that allows us to look into the future. As others have said, am I afraid to be alone? Prob. I was alone a lot in my early 20's and I hate dating. I don't ever want a repeat of those years. I was happy when I met my wife and we were dating etc. I'm mostly happy now with my g/f but it's def. not the same. Things can be going so great and the smallest detail comes up and she gets all pissed off at me.

 

Part of me thinks I owe it to myself to try one more time with my wife. We built our forever home and moved in at the beginning of March to have me move out in July. We had a great family together and if we ever got our relationship back together we could have possibly had a great future together. However, history repeats itself so in 3 months would we be back to being complacent and just being roommates again?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My new g/f has the qualities I wanted from my wife. Yes, the sex is great and maybe it has clouded my judgement. I've done without for so long and now it's there whenever I want it. But, the compassion part is there. She's very affectionate and is always hugging or kissing me or rubbing my back or head and that goes a long way. My wife would never touch me unless I pretty much begged.

 

 

You know you're still in the honeymoon phase and all of this rubbing and touching will fade, right? Was your wife affectionate when you first started dating, or don't you remember?

 

Also, I have to disagree with you about the "compassion." Maybe "passion." But "compassion?" She has no understanding that you had a life before her....that's not compassion or empathy at all.

[What-2-Do]

You know you're still in the honeymoon phase and all of this rubbing and touching will fade, right? Was your wife affectionate when you first started dating, or don't you remember?

 

Also, I have to disagree with you about the "compassion." Maybe "passion." But "compassion?" She has no understanding that you had a life before her....that's not compassion or empathy at all.

 

I guess I don't really believe in a honeymoon phase. Things with my wife were always good up until about 4 years ago. In fact the sex got better and the touching increased as the years went on. Something happened and she stopped wanting to do anything. The one thing that did change with my wife though was the oral sex. Once we got married that more or less stopped and that was always an issue. No idea why but I can only guess it was a "tool" to get me to marry her and she felt that once we were married there wasn't really a "need" for it?

[stillafool]

My Gawd, how many times are you going to go back and forth with this? Are you now having thoughts about going back to your wife because she now has a new boyfriend?

[elaine567]

No idea why but I can only guess it was a "tool" to get me to marry her and she felt that once we were married there wasn't really a "need" for it?

 

Yes and your gf may be exactly the same, once she feels more comfortable

and secure in the relationship, especially if she continues to feel pissed off about your past, if so, then the sex will no doubt go down.

Unhappy women tend to not want sex with the guy who she sees is the source of her unhappiness.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes and your gf may be exactly the same, once she feels more comfortable

and secure in the relationship, especially if she continues to feel pissed off about your past, if so, then the sex will no doubt go down.

Unhappy women tend to not want sex with the guy who she sees is the source of her unhappiness.

 

But she went on and on in the sex toy store about how she just can't get over women who don't willingly and enthusiastically give their men oral sex whenever they want it! She can't possibly have been insincere, and/or ever change her mind about that.

[BaileyB]

Yes and your gf may be exactly the same, once she feels more comfortable and secure in the relationship, especially if she continues to feel pissed off about your past, if so, then the sex will no doubt go down.

 

Unhappy women tend to not want sex with the guy who she sees is the source of her unhappiness.

 

This. Definitely.

 

And, I would say that what she is showing you is affection, not compassion. You are enjoying the attention, the physical affection, and the sex, right now. Compassion is an entirely different thing. She hasn't shown very much compassion for your son...

 

And, I would respectfully offer that your problem is not that you don't care about others... your problem is that you care too much - what they think and what they want... So much so that you lack a strong sense of what YOU think, what YOU want, and what is in YOUR best interest. Which is why you are forever flip flopping between whether you should stay, or leave, your wife. Whether you should stay, or leave, your girlfriend.

 

With New Years approaching, I would suggest that you resolve to think very much about what you want for your future. The needs of your son always come first, but after that... To be a man of integrity, and conviction, what is it that you want for your future? I still say that you should spend some time alone, to develop a stronger sense of self. But, I don't know that you are capable of that. At e very least, continue with your counselling... Happy holidays and hope you have better times in 2018.

[BettyDraper]

For people to say I don't care about others is really untrue. Up until recently most decisions I've made were with regards to putting others before me. That was pretty much the death of my business. I put my employees needs above my own and it cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars.

 

In the situation I'm currently in I honestly don't know what to expect. I still love my wife and I always will. Seeing that it is Christmas Eve and I'm not with her it really hurts. As someone else has said I made the bed I'm currently lying in. I do miss her and I always will. I will also always wonder what would have ever happened had we have tired "again" to work it out.

 

My new g/f has the qualities I wanted from my wife. Yes, the sex is great and maybe it has clouded my judgement. I've done without for so long and now it's there whenever I want it. But, the compassion part is there. She's very affectionate and is always hugging or kissing me or rubbing my back or head and that goes a long way. My wife would never touch me unless I pretty much begged.

 

Yes, the uncertainty here sucks. I know if I were to go back to my wife she would be 100% loyal and I'm pretty confident that she would change. However, how long would it take before we're back to being roommates? I will always love her and I will always regret what I did to her. I will always wonder if there was another approach I could have taken to get her to go to counseling or to at least try to make things better. In my mind I tried everything but clearly I didn't. When this all started and she begged me to come back I know at that time if I did then things would have been better at least for some time.

 

Nobody has a crystal ball that allows us to look into the future. As others have said, am I afraid to be alone? Prob. I was alone a lot in my early 20's and I hate dating. I don't ever want a repeat of those years. I was happy when I met my wife and we were dating etc. I'm mostly happy now with my g/f but it's def. not the same. Things can be going so great and the smallest detail comes up and she gets all pissed off at me.

 

Part of me thinks I owe it to myself to try one more time with my wife. We built our forever home and moved in at the beginning of March to have me move out in July. We had a great family together and if we ever got our relationship back together we could have possibly had a great future together. However, history repeats itself so in 3 months would we be back to being complacent and just being roommates again?

 

I believe that you don't care about others because of the way you ended your marriage. You're also in a relationship purely to soothe your grief as well as give you sexual satisfaction. Lastly, you seem to be focusing on your girlfriend more than your son. Introducing your girlfriend to your child so soon after your separation and planning to move her in are actions which may not be healthy for your little boy. Marital separation is traumatic for children but seeing a parent with a new person adds another layer of sadness.

 

Since you mentioned spending money foolishly and being bankrupt in the past, I wonder if your businesses failed partly because you made some unwise financial decisions. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

It makes sense that you still love your wife. Emotions cannot be turned on and off like faucets. You shared a life and a child with your wife so of course you still have love for her. I think that going back to her at this point wouldn't work out, because your wife has shown that she becomes complacent as soon as she gets what she wants. Maybe the two of you can work on reconciliation later if that is what you want. Right now, feelings are too raw to make clear headed choices about a future together.

 

You say that your new girlfriend has qualities that you wanted in your wife....that means that you aren't over your wife yet and you shouldn't be in a rebound relationship. I'm sure you're coming to realize that sex and affection cannot sustain a relationship since your girlfriend is unable to accept important aspects of your life.

 

I hope you have a lovely Christmas. Spend lots of time with your son no matter what your girlfriend says.

[What-2-Do]

Christmas was a mixed bag. I spent the 5 days and nights leading up to it with my son. It was awesome and he was nearly perfect. Christmas Eve was pretty terrible. My son and my g/f went to her grandparents house for Christmas. We went there because there are a bunch of kids my sons age so that was great. He had a BLAST. My wife on the other hand even though she knew I was bringing him home late was pissed.

 

Then, when we get home she had a "present" for me. When she saw that I was with my g/f she freaked out and threw the present at me and slammed the door. WTF.... For whatever reason I grabbed the "present" and put it in my g/f car and drove home. When my wife threw it the box opened and I got to see what was inside the box. This is where my night went to crap. Inside the box was 3 Christmas Poems in frames that I wrote to my wife back in 2001, 2002, and 2003. I know it's corny but it was something I did every Christmas for the first 10 or so years we were together.

 

We get home and my g/f opens the million gifts her mother got her. Then, I'm going to bed and she asks "so, what did your wife get you?" Needless to say I panicked and just said nothing important. She wanted to know where it was and I wouldn't tell her. Needless to say I put it away as I didn't want to deal with it. I ended up telling her and she went in and opened the box and the crap hit the fan. She was so mad and she smashed all the poems and went all crazy.

 

Needless to say at this point I'm done. I can't and won't be with someone that's crazy. I've never seen anything like it in all my life. I'm also sad that something that was so important to my former life is completely destroyed and can never be replaced. I haven't told my wife yet but I don't know what the hell she was thinking in giving them back to me on Christmas. That was kind of a low-blow I think. Not sure if she was being sentimental or she knew that it would break us up. So, my Christmas ended with 2 crazy women. haha

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Needless to say at this point I'm done. I can't and won't be with someone that's crazy. I've never seen anything like it in all my life. I'm also sad that something that was so important to my former life is completely destroyed and can never be replaced. I haven't told my wife yet but I don't know what the hell she was thinking in giving them back to me on Christmas. That was kind of a low-blow I think. Not sure if she was being sentimental or she knew that it would break us up. So, my Christmas ended with 2 crazy women. haha

 

Well, in your wife's brain she probably had this fantasy of giving you the gift while you were not with your GF, you opening it, getting all emotional, and falling into each other's arms crying and kissing and professing your love to each other.

 

In your GF's brain, she probably envisioned going back to your apartments, finishing off the evening with some crazy monkey sex, and falling happily to sleep in each other's arms.

 

They both didn't get what they wanted, so they both flipped out. Can't really blame the GF for getting angry at that gift, although you can blame here for being an immature lunatic in the way she handled it. Imagine if your son had been there!

 

Not all women are this crazy, W2D! I think you need to be alone for a while, as we've said a million times.

 

Sorry if you've said before, but when is your lease up?

[elaine567]

I can't say I am surprised.

This is WAR.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

W2D, that was Christmas Eve. What did you end up doing all day yesterday?

[heartbrokenlady]

Well, in your wife's brain she probably had this fantasy of giving you the gift while you were not with your GF, you opening it, getting all emotional, and falling into each other's arms crying and kissing and professing your love to each other.

 

In your GF's brain, she probably envisioned going back to your apartments, finishing off the evening with some crazy monkey sex, and falling happily to sleep in each other's arms.

 

They both didn't get what they wanted, so they both flipped out. Can't really blame the GF for getting angry at that gift, although you can blame here for being an immature lunatic in the way she handled it. Imagine if your son had been there!

 

Not all women are this crazy, W2D! I think you need to be alone for a while, as we've said a million times.

 

Sorry if you've said before, but when is your lease up?

 

 

 

I think the only crazy one is his ex wife. Who the hell wants a guy who has treated her like this????

 

The gf, I understand. You are supposed to be DONE with your wife. All this backward and forward stuff is insane. You are being incredibly unfair to her. Either commit or leave.

 

This is NOT your gfs fault. It's on you for the way you play these 2 women off against each other.

 

Beats me why either of them want you.

[What-2-Do]

Well, in your wife's brain she probably had this fantasy of giving you the gift while you were not with your GF, you opening it, getting all emotional, and falling into each other's arms crying and kissing and professing your love to each other.

 

In your GF's brain, she probably envisioned going back to your apartments, finishing off the evening with some crazy monkey sex, and falling happily to sleep in each other's arms.

 

They both didn't get what they wanted, so they both flipped out. Can't really blame the GF for getting angry at that gift, although you can blame here for being an immature lunatic in the way she handled it. Imagine if your son had been there!

 

Not all women are this crazy, W2D! I think you need to be alone for a while, as we've said a million times.

 

Sorry if you've said before, but when is your lease up?

 

 

I agree FINALLY about being single. I need to focus on ME. My lease isn't up until August so that sucks but I think I can get out of it. The landlord is really cool and understands the situation. I'm also helping his adult sons start up their business with help with sales and marketing so I'm pretty sure he would let me out if he can get it rented. Clearly, I can't stay here if I want sanity.

 

I don't blame her one bit for being pissed at me. After all I did hide the "gift" and then lied to her about what it was. However, in my defense and I told her this I was in panic mode and didn't know how to handle it. She took one of them outiside and threw it int he street and stomped on it. I was clearly pissed and still am.

 

I don't think she would have done it if my son was here and if she did she would have gotten thrown out so fast. I never want to expose him to that. In many ways it's my fault though and that sucks. I def. need some time to clear my head. When I booked the cruise I never filled in the 2nd guest so maybe I will bring one of my buddies. haha Not sure if I can cancel it at this point in all reality but I will find out today.

[elaine567]

Then, when we get home she had a "present" for me. When she saw that I was with my g/f she freaked out and threw the present at me and slammed the door. WTF....

 

WTF? WTF?

What did you expect to happen?

Two women who hate each other and you decided to take your gf round to your wife's house to gloat about how great a time your son had with your gf's family... Are you mad?

You took your OW right into your wife's territory and you are going wtf?

as if what then transpired was a surprise to you...

I know you want both women to just get on and accept the situation but I guess here it is never going to happen in a million years.

 

You should have dropped your gf off and then took your son home.

You could then have had a very brief sensible conversation with your wife and said nothing about the gift to your gf or even better refused to accept it from your wife and told her to keep the poems.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When I booked the cruise I never filled in the 2nd guest so maybe I will bring one of my buddies. haha Not sure if I can cancel it at this point in all reality but I will find out today.

 

Take your son!

[What-2-Do]

WTF? WTF?

What did you expect to happen?

Two women who hate each other and you decided to take your gf round to your wife's house to gloat about how great a time your son had with your gf's family... Are you mad?

You took your OW right into your wife's territory and you are going wtf?

as if what then transpired was a surprise to you...

I know you want both women to just get on and accept the situation but I guess here it is never going to happen in a million years.

 

You should have dropped your gf off and then took your son home.

You could then have had a very brief sensible conversation with your wife and said nothing about the gift to your gf or even better refused to accept it from your wife and told her to keep the poems.

 

 

My intention was to drop my g/f off and then drop my son off but when I told my wife I was going to be another half hour she freaked on me which is why my g/f was with me when I dropped him off. Obviously, she waited in the car but my wife could see her.

[What-2-Do]

Take your son!

 

You know what??? it's actually February vacation week so I TOTALLY CAN..... He won't miss any school and will have an experience of a lifetime.

[heartbrokenlady]

You know what??? it's actually February vacation week so I TOTALLY CAN..... He won't miss any school and will have an experience of a lifetime.

 

 

This is the most sensible thing you've said in all your posts in this thread!

 

 

 

Healing for you and so validating for him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You know what??? it's actually February vacation week so I TOTALLY CAN..... He won't miss any school and will have an experience of a lifetime.

 

He'll love it. My ex took my kids on a cruise a few months ago and they loved it.