Crying over my ex.... why?

[BettyDraper]

Why do you HAVE TO BE with either woman? Why can't you be alone until you figure yourself out?

 

I think it might be because W2D is accustomed to being in a relationship, so being alone seems too scary and lonely for him at this point in his life.

[What-2-Do]

I've learned a lot about myself this past week or so. Being alone isn't terrible and focusing on me has been healthy. When I dropped my son off last night I had to fix my wife's snowblower and then we sat and talked for an hour or so. I asked her about her b/f and why she is with him. She said about his looks is that she had the good looking guy with a fitness body and that ended up with her getting her heart broken. She feels this guy being ugly and not attractive at all he has fewer options. She said she doesn't care what he does for work even though he's a mall security guard. She said she isn't looking for someone to take care of her and she's not looking for anything serious. She said she only sees him once a week at most.

 

We decided we are going to focus on trying to be friends and not fight or take digs at each other any longer and see where that goes. She said she felt that I never thought she was good enough for me. She said she felt I didn't think she was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or fun enough. Then she says when she sees pics of me with the OW she then feels that's exactly the case because she's thin and beautiful etc. I explained to her that she has a beauty nobody can ever compare to. She's the mother of my child and my one true love in life. I think time just slowly took us apart.

 

Right now my goal is to get down to 6-8% body fat and be totally ripped.... Being focused on this is consuming my time. I'm meal preprepping and hitting the gym hard and focused on me. I have spoken to my g/f a few times and I explained to her that I just need time for me to sort things out. She wants to grab dinner this weekend and I may or may not go. I have my son so nothing will happen. She's shown that she cares since all this crap went down but I think like everyone on here is saying I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

[BettyDraper]

I've learned a lot about myself this past week or so. Being alone isn't terrible and focusing on me has been healthy. When I dropped my son off last night I had to fix my wife's snowblower and then we sat and talked for an hour or so. I asked her about her b/f and why she is with him. She said about his looks is that she had the good looking guy with a fitness body and that ended up with her getting her heart broken. She feels this guy being ugly and not attractive at all he has fewer options. She said she doesn't care what he does for work even though he's a mall security guard. She said she isn't looking for someone to take care of her and she's not looking for anything serious. She said she only sees him once a week at most.

 

We decided we are going to focus on trying to be friends and not fight or take digs at each other any longer and see where that goes. She said she felt that I never thought she was good enough for me. She said she felt I didn't think she was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or fun enough. Then she says when she sees pics of me with the OW she then feels that's exactly the case because she's thin and beautiful etc. I explained to her that she has a beauty nobody can ever compare to. She's the mother of my child and my one true love in life. I think time just slowly took us apart.

 

Right now my goal is to get down to 6-8% body fat and be totally ripped.... Being focused on this is consuming my time. I'm meal preprepping and hitting the gym hard and focused on me. I have spoken to my g/f a few times and I explained to her that I just need time for me to sort things out. She wants to grab dinner this weekend and I may or may not go. I have my son so nothing will happen. She's shown that she cares since all this crap went down but I think like everyone on here is saying I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

 

Whom your wife dates and why is none of your concern and telling her that she is your "one true love" is just giving her false hope.

 

Let her go.

 

I'm pleased that you're focusing on your own goals. No point in grabbing dinner with your girlfriend since you aren't going to be with her anymore.

[What-2-Do]

Congratulations on making a bunch of non-decisions and continuing to focus on outward appearance and send mixed messages to both of the women in your life.

 

Why is it so bad that I focus on outward appearance when it's important to ME???? I'm sure you have a hobby of some sort? Mine is body building and trying to build the best physique possible. What is so bad about that????

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's not wrong to want to make yourself into the best version you can be. But you're spending no time at all on the INSIDE, and are still stringing BOTH women along because you can't decide which one you actually want. So instead of trying to figure all that out, you're throwing yourself into what's comfortable.....focusing on what you look like, because you KNOW that's good and acceptable and admired.

 

The other stuff isn't going away, though, and sooner or later you are going to have to make a choice. Do you think you're being fair to your wife right now, telling her she's your one true love while telling your girlfriend you need time to figure things out? Do you think your wife would like to hear that? Or your girlfriend? You're basically cheating on both of them! I get that it's easy to just stuff that away and focus on what you do well, which is look good.

 

To your credit, at least it's that and not getting drunk or high.

Edited January 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Why is it so bad that I focus on outward appearance when it's important to ME???? I'm sure you have a hobby of some sort? Mine is body building and trying to build the best physique possible. What is so bad about that????

 

Nothing is wrong with that, if it's what you enjoy doing and it's really important to you. To each their own... It could only become a problem if your self worth and self esteem become tied to your total body fat and your physical fitness. Or, if you see that as the primary thing you have to offer, when attracting women.

 

I'm sure some women would find your body and your fitness goals very attractive, but not all women - myself included. Physical fitness and health is certainly important, but it has never been and will never be the most important thing that attracts me to a man.

[What-2-Do]

It's not wrong to want to make yourself into the best version you can be. But you're spending no time at all on the INSIDE, and are still stringing BOTH women along because you can't decide which one you actually want. So instead of trying to figure all that out, you're throwing yourself into what's comfortable.....focusing on what you look like, because you KNOW that's good and acceptable and admired.

 

The other stuff isn't going away, though, and sooner or later you are going to have to make a choice. Do you think you're being fair to your wife right now, telling her she's your one true love while telling your girlfriend you need time to figure things out? Do you think your wife would like to hear that? Or your girlfriend? You're basically cheating on both of them! I get that it's easy to just stuff that away and focus on what you do well, which is look good.

 

To your credit, at least it's that and not getting drunk or high.

 

We always go to our comfort zone and mine is fitness. It's hard to deal with this when I honestly don't know what I want. I feel that time is against me. If I let my wife go (which I truly believe is the best thing for ME) then I will lose her forever and she'll be with some low life.

 

I honestly will always love her and honestly it's friggen hard to let that go. I was a coward in how I got out of my marriage and that's something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. My g/f never trusted me because of it obviously and now I'm labeled a cheater because I am but that's not who I am. I'm 41 years old and prior to this never once ever cheated on a g/f with even a kiss ever. Now, I cheated on the most important person in my life.

 

You're right about at least I'm focused on something healthy and not drinking and smoking and doing drugs. Most guys my age are all overweight and drink and smoke and could care less about themselves.

 

I'm still trying to get an appointment with someone to sort my head out but not having any luck getting any appointments. Very frustrating.

 

On a better note when all this went down I had an issue with my father and we were not on speaking terms for 3 1/2 months. I went over there a few weeks ago to clear things up and he screamed at me and told me to get lost. Obviously, that hurt. Well, today he needed help and I went over there and we were able to clear everything up so I feel great about that.

Edited January 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We always go to our comfort zone and mine is fitness. It's hard to deal with this when I honestly don't know what I want. I feel that time is against me. If I let my wife go (which I truly believe is the best thing for ME) then I will lose her forever and she'll be with some low life.

I honestly will always love her and honestly it's friggen hard to let that go. I was a coward in how I got out of my marriage and that's something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. My g/f never trusted me because of it obviously and now I'm labeled a cheater because I am but that's not who I am. I'm 41 years old and prior to this never once ever cheated on a g/f with even a kiss ever. Now, I cheated on the most important person in my life.

 

You're right about at least I'm focused on something healthy and not drinking and smoking and doing drugs. Most guys my age are all overweight and drink and smoke and could care less about themselves.

 

I'm still trying to get an appointment with someone to sort my head out but not having any luck getting any appointments. Very frustrating.

 

On a better note when all this went down I had an issue with my father and we were not on speaking terms for 3 1/2 months. I went over there a few weeks ago to clear things up and he screamed at me and told me to get lost. Obviously, that hurt. Well, today he needed help and I went over there and we were able to clear everything up so I feel great about that.

 

1. Who cares if she is with a "low life?" Just because a man does not have your physique or what you consider to be a respectable job doesn't mean he's a low life. Maybe he deeply cares for her soul....that's important. When I split from my exH, who cared only for his outward appearance (which is much like yours), the LAST thing I was looking for was his clone because I was tired of life being only about that.

 

2. Sadly, a cheater is who you are now . You can't unring that bell, and I get how much that pains you. You're best to try to change and forgive yourself for that, and seek your wife's forgiveness, but you'll never not be that person anymore. You did it and you did it BIG with a much younger, much hotter bod .

 

3. Where the heck do you live that you can't find even one therapist to help you? Alaska?

 

4. That is such great news about your dad. I love hearing stuff like that . (And that reconnection has nothing at all to do with what you look like!!! )

[BettyDraper]

1. Who cares if she is with a "low life?" Just because a man does not have your physique or what you consider to be a respectable job doesn't mean he's a low life. Maybe he deeply cares for her soul....that's important. When I split from my exH, who cared only for his outward appearance (which is much like yours), the LAST thing I was looking for was his clone because I was tired of life being only about that.

 

2. Sadly, a cheater is who you are now . You can't unring that bell, and I get how much that pains you. You're best to try to change and forgive yourself for that, and seek your wife's forgiveness, but you'll never not be that person anymore. You did it and you did it BIG with a much younger, much hotter bod .

 

3. Where the heck do you live that you can't find even one therapist to help you? Alaska?

 

4. That is such great news about your dad. I love hearing stuff like that . (And that reconnection has nothing at all to do with what you look like!!! )

 

I agree with much of what you're saying.

However, I wonder W2D's attitude is triggering you because of what you went through with your ex. That's not fair to W2D even though he is focusing on the wrong aspects of a man's character.

[BettyDraper]

We always go to our comfort zone and mine is fitness. It's hard to deal with this when I honestly don't know what I want. I feel that time is against me. If I let my wife go (which I truly believe is the best thing for ME) then I will lose her forever and she'll be with some low life.

 

I honestly will always love her and honestly it's friggen hard to let that go. I was a coward in how I got out of my marriage and that's something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. My g/f never trusted me because of it obviously and now I'm labeled a cheater because I am but that's not who I am. I'm 41 years old and prior to this never once ever cheated on a g/f with even a kiss ever. Now, I cheated on the most important person in my life.

 

You're right about at least I'm focused on something healthy and not drinking and smoking and doing drugs. Most guys my age are all overweight and drink and smoke and could care less about themselves.

 

I'm still trying to get an appointment with someone to sort my head out but not having any luck getting any appointments. Very frustrating.

 

On a better note when all this went down I had an issue with my father and we were not on speaking terms for 3 1/2 months. I went over there a few weeks ago to clear things up and he screamed at me and told me to get lost. Obviously, that hurt. Well, today he needed help and I went over there and we were able to clear everything up so I feel great about that.

 

I think that most people focus on outward appearance to some extent. We women are notorious for spending considerable amounts of money on makeup, clothes, beauty treatments etc. Living a healthy lifestyle is admirable. The issue is you seem to think that your muscles and career make you automatically superior to other men. Those attributes certainly help but most women search for more substance when they want to settle down.

 

Sometimes clinicians have wait lists so it isn't unusual for appointments to take at least a few weeks. I've experienced similar barriers to finding a therapist.

 

You let your wife go as soon as you cheated and decided to move out. The marriage is over now. It's time for you to walk away as an act of love for her. The two of you are not compatible and your wife deserves someone who is a better match for her. Just as you don't like to be judged, it would be helpful if you stopped looking down on other men just because they aren't as muscular as you are. You don't want to fall the "gymrat dudebro" stereotype. Bright and emotionally healthy women steer clear of men like that.

 

Why did you and your father stop speaking?

[whichwayisup]

Huh??

 

have spoken to my g/f a few times and I explained to her that I just need time for me to sort things out. She wants to grab dinner this weekend and I may or may not go. I have my son so nothing will happen. She's shown that she cares since all this crap went down but I think like everyone on here is saying I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

 

How? She FLIPPED OUT, ripped up a treasured poem(s) gift from your (ex)wife, made a scene, she resents your son, hates your ex and is jealous. What exactly has your so called gf done to show she cares? In actions, not words.

 

End it and stop leading her on. You need (at least) 6 months to a year ON your own without a woman to lean on. Grow, be independent and put your kid first. Work on you, bond with your men friends etc..

[sandylee1]

The bottom line is that you don't really want your wife ... but you don't want anyone else to want her either.

[elaine567]

YOU were not getting sex from your wife, so you I guess also with a bit of a mid life crisis going on, started looking around for other women. OR this girl threw herself at you and you couldn't say no as you felt justified due to home circumstances, I don't know, but it was hardly the best start.

You effectively grabbed the first woman you saw to "solve" all your problems.

What did you really think were the chances of this woman being your "soul mate"? Virtually nil.

If you did not have your son, then no real problem, it is up to you whether you want to live with tantrums, fits of jealousy and "atmospheres" all for the sake of wild sex, who really cares?

BUT your son deserves to live in a calm, stress free environment and no matter how much you try to hide all this dysfunction from him, he will suss it out in the instant he walks in the door, kids are not stupid.

[stillafool]

The bottom line is that you don't really want your wife ... but you don't want anyone else to want her either.

 

Truer words have never been said.

[heartbrokenlady]

Why is it so bad that I focus on outward appearance when it's important to ME???? I'm sure you have a hobby of some sort? Mine is body building and trying to build the best physique possible. What is so bad about that????

 

 

Because:

 

1) You are older. That body isn't going to last. Will you be worthless once your looks have gone. Is that all your woman will have to value about you?

 

2) Your woman will get older, whichever one you chose.

 

If you only chose on a superficial level, how are you going to maintain love?

 

My ex is 17 years older than me. Always worrying about his aging body. I couldn't give a rats a*s about his sagging skin or scrawny shanks. It is irrelevant. The person inside is what counts.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Because:

 

1) You are older. That body isn't going to last. Will you be worthless once your looks have gone. Is that all your woman will have to value about you?

 

I can't speak for W2D, but with my exH, this was definitely the issue, and he admitted it, too. Very poor self esteem, and even self hatred, were his issues. A lot stemmed from childhood.

[georgia girl]

What2Do,

 

It's fine that you want to work on the outside, but I think what most posters are encouraging you to do is work on the inside as well. Something drove you to cheating and it wasn't your wife. Something is driving you to continuing to lead two women on and it's not the two women. Something keeps you connected to a woman who destroyed your personal property in a fit of rage. The fact that it was personal, sentimental property and this was done in jealousy would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I personally believe you need to take a break from dating and tell both women that it's over. No equivocations so they can get on with their lives. That's the honorable thing to do. If, in the end, you decide you truly want and can commit to one of them, then you may have to work your tail off to get one of them back. Again, it's the honorable thing to do - especially after what a relationship with you has already cost them.

 

Then, work out like crazy if you want. Meet your body fat goals. But, also work on the inside. Practice introspection. See who you are. I think you avoid doing that and fill your life with distractions. Again, I don't think working out is a bad thing - I'm married to a guy with less than 4% body fat who does Ironmans. But, I married him not for his rock-hard abs. I married him for the heart and mind under those abs. Being your best self isn't just about the outside.