Crying over my ex.... why?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She swears up and down that she hasn't slept with him and isn't at all ready for a sexual relationship and she's simply just seeing him. It doesn't really matter I guess. A few of her friends messaged me and said she's only seeing this guy to make me jealous. Who knows?

 

I'm really struggling to understand the dynamic going on here. Why are you having such explicit conversations with your ex-wife about what she is or is not doing in the bedroom? Why is SHE coughing up any information at all to you? Why are her friends messaging you about this?? Do they hope you're going to reconcile?

 

WHY IS THIS WOMAN'S SEX LIFE EVERYONE'S BUSINESS??? :lmao:

[BaileyB]

And why are you talking with her friends about your relationship... Boundaries - there are none here.

[stillafool]

We were great together for so many years but we were so wrong for each other for so many as well.

 

I regret hurting her the way I did and I know she will now forever have trust issues with men and it's my fault. My intention was not to crush her but my selfishness and indecisiveness got the best of me.

 

Well remember the bolded part above when you feel sad about the break up with your wife. It's been coming for years and you were constantly complaining so now it's over and you have what you wanted. Also what your wife went through with you may not affect her ability to trust another man. Another man can heal her trust issues with his love.

[stillafool]

I think this is honestly what's gong on. She swears up and down that she hasn't slept with him and isn't at all ready for a sexual relationship and she's simply just seeing him. It doesn't really matter I guess. A few of her friends messaged me and said she's only seeing this guy to make me jealous. Who knows?

 

 

The people who messaged you that garbage are not your wife's friends. Friends don't run behind your back and call your ex who hurt you to spread your info. Those people sound more like they are friends of yours and not your ex wife.

[sandylee1]

This guy isn't in shape at all. He's a frail person at best. I actually would feel better about myself if he was a good looking buy. I'm actually embarrassed for her because he is literally Paul Blart Mall Cop. Not saying that to make myself feel better but several of her friends have messaged me asking what the hell is she doing with this tool?

 

It's probably more about how he makes her feel then. The way he treats her... physical attributes aren't necessarily the most important thing to everyone.

 

After you get cheated on...confidence takes a knock.... now if he's doing the right things and saying the right things... treating her like a treasure... then he's good enough for now at least.

 

He may be one of many in order to get her mojo back.

[sandylee1]

You say your GF is so much more fun than your wife ever was...and so much prettier.

 

Maybe the mall guy is more appreciative of her.

 

Maybe she feels he won't ditch her for a younger woman and doesn't want a handsome guy like you anymore...for fear of being dumped and cheated on.

 

As she'll be financially okay in the divorce... she isn't necessarily looking for a new man to offer her anything in that regard either.

 

You look got different things in a marriage thsn you do when you want some fun to get over an ex who cheated.

 

I remember being heartbroken years ago after a spilt... the guys I dated afterwards weren't all as good looking as my Ex... but they had other qualities.

 

Most of all..they were into me...and it was a great (and powerful) feeling. Knowing they appreciated me more than he did .. and they went to great lengths to please me. I wouldn't (at the time) have seen them as long term relationships... but they fulfilled a physical need.

 

Your Ex doesn't have to have had full intercourse... but their grown adults.. and she's a free agent.

 

Maybe she would like you to be back together...but after so much rejection .. she had no choice.

 

Maybe she feels the frail security guard is the next she can get right now. Who knows.

Edited November 19, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[What-2-Do]

She has said that right now she just likes the idea of having someone to talk to. She says she's in non place to have a physical relationship at this point and he likes this guy because he respects that. It kinda makes sense because he's def not a good looking guy at all or even a guy with a decent job. She prob feels thisbguy will follow her to the end of the earth all the while not having sex with him

 

She said to me earlier that her Dr found a lump on her breast and she has to go see a specialist next month. This kills me as I've always been the first person she would talk to during difficukt times and clearly I'm not anymore

 

All of this is exactly why I was so hesitant with everything and so indecisive. I still love her and always will. I feel we weren't good for each other the past few years because of whatever reason and I truly wanted to fix thing

 

I went to marriage counseling alone because she wouldn't go. I miss being with her in many ways

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She has said that right now she just likes the idea of having someone to talk to. She says she's in non place to have a physical relationship at this point and he likes this guy because he respects that. It kinda makes sense because he's def not a good looking guy at all or even a guy with a decent job. She prob feels thisbguy will follow her to the end of the earth all the while not having sex with him

 

She said to me earlier that her Dr found a lump on her breast and she has to go see a specialist next month. This kills me as I've always been the first person she would talk to during difficukt times and clearly I'm not anymore

 

All of this is exactly why I was so hesitant with everything and so indecisive. I still love her and always will. I feel we weren't good for each other the past few years because of whatever reason and I truly wanted to fix thing

 

I went to marriage counseling alone because she wouldn't go. I miss being with her in many ways

 

Why wouldn't she go to marriage counseling?? What did YOU specifically want to talk about in counseling?

[What-2-Do]

Why wouldn't she go to marriage counseling?? What did YOU specifically want to talk about in counseling?

 

She refused to talk to anyone outside our marriage. Even her mother told her she needed to go and she adamantly refused. I wanted to find out why she was no longer interested in being a wife and only a mother. I went because I truly wanted to get back to where we were for so many years.

 

What was ironic is I got excited after many sessions and my therapist would recommend something. Eager to try it I would recommend it a few days later and her response was always "did you get that from your crazy doctor?"

 

I didn't go to have a bitch fest about her but to honestly fix our relationship. At the end he said that the marriage was prob not one that could be saved and one that I would ever be happy in

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She refused to talk to anyone outside our marriage. Even her mother told her she needed to go and she adamantly refused. I wanted to find out why she was no longer interested in being a wife and only a mother. I went because I truly wanted to get back to where we were for so many years.

 

What was ironic is I got excited after many sessions and my therapist would recommend something. Eager to try it I would recommend it a few days later and her response was always "did you get that from your crazy doctor?"

 

I didn't go to have a bitch fest about her but to honestly fix our relationship. At the end he said that the marriage was prob not one that could be saved and one that I would ever be happy in

 

Sorry, I was not a part of your earlier threads. I'm sure I missed a lot.

 

Sounds like she was checked out of the marriage and even though you cheated, she is moving on because the marriage was not meeting her needs, either.

[What-2-Do]

Sorry, I was not a part of your earlier threads. I'm sure I missed a lot.

 

Sounds like she was checked out of the marriage and even though you cheated, she is moving on because the marriage was not meeting her needs, either.

 

When I started seeing my new gf she begged and did anything and everything to get me back. Everything I begged her for years to do but this time I couldn't go back. Now, 5 months later all of a sudden I think I do

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When I started seeing my new gf she begged and did anything and everything to get me back. Everything I begged her for years to do but this time I couldn't go back. Now, 5 months later all of a sudden I think I do

 

Why? List five reasons.

[sandylee1]

When I started seeing my new gf she begged and did anything and everything to get me back. Everything I begged her for years to do but this time I couldn't go back. Now, 5 months later all of a sudden I think I do

 

What2do... I've sent you a PM.

 

Sometimes people don't realise what they've got till it's gone. She wants you back. She wouldn't tell you she's not sleeping with him otherwise.

 

I think you need time out of your current relationship.

Edited November 20, 2017 by sandylee1
Eta

[BaileyB]

When I started seeing my new gf she begged and did anything and everything to get me back. Everything I begged her for years to do but this time I couldn't go back. Now, 5 months later all of a sudden I think I do

 

You've played this game before though... For months, at the end of your marriage. She would do just enough for you to think she had reinvested in the marriage, and then it would back to the same old problems...

 

If you go back to her, it will probably be more of the same.

[sandylee1]

You've played this game before though...

 

If you go back to her, it will probably be more of the same.

 

Not necessarily.

 

I've seen remarkable changes when people realise they've lost someone they love and have a lot of blame for that.

 

I've also seen a great many men in W2Ds position, wish they gave their marriage another chance.

[stillafool]

OP, why are you even asking your ex if she's having sex with this guy? It's none of your business. If he is sleeping over do you really think they are not having sex? Again, it's just none of your business. Are you having sex with your beloved gf? I'm sure you are.

[What-2-Do]

You've played this game before though... For months, at the end of your marriage. She would do just enough for you to think she had reinvested in the marriage, and then it would back to the same old problems...

 

If you go back to her, it will probably be more of the same.

 

This is honestly my biggest fear. Whenever things would get really bad she would pull things together and make an effort and things would be great again for about 2 weeks and then it would revert right back to how it was prior.

 

She said if we were to get back together or even try that she would put it all behind us but she has god-knows how many people stalking my Social Media accounts so anything I post is under a microscope.

 

I honestly don't even know if I would even want to get back with her. I think a big part of it is the holidays coming up and that has me thinking all kinds of things.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not necessarily.

 

I've seen remarkable changes when people realise they've lost someone they love and have a lot of blame for that.

 

I've also seen a great many men in W2Ds position, wish they gave their marriage another chance.

 

I have too. In one case it involved an unbelievable act of forgiveness on the part of the wife as the husband was actually arrested for statutory rape and has completely ruined his future employability as a teacher (or much else). Their marriage is thriving, though.

 

But, I have also personally experienced the exact opposite, so I'm always very quick to warn people that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. It hurts worse the second time around.

[BaileyB]

Not necessarily.

 

I've seen remarkable changes when people realise they've lost someone they love and have a lot of blame for that.

 

I've also seen a great many men in W2Ds position, wish they gave their marriage another chance.

 

I don't know, given what this man has share about this woman, that she has it in her to forgive and move forward. THIS woman has proven in the past to be very manipulative, passive aggressive, and hurtful. I would be concerned that she is going to want to punish OP for leaving and having an affair with a younger woman. I can imagine that the affair really bruised her ago.

 

I don't see this having a healthy, happy ending... I just don't.

[What-2-Do]

I don't know, given what this man has share about this woman, that she has it in her to forgive and move forward. THIS woman has proven in the past to be very manipulative, passive aggressive, and hurtful. I would be concerned that she is going to want to punish OP for leaving and having an affair with a younger woman. I can imagine that the affair really bruised her ago.

 

I don't see this having a healthy, happy ending... I just don't.

 

This is prob. the BEST description of my ex. For the past 5 months all she's done is post cryptic posts on Facebook basically bashing me for anything and everything. Until this happened everything has been about her and her needs and she never cared about what was important to me. I think with the holidays approaching I'm having a moment of weakness which is why I've been thinking this way.

[BettyDraper]

This is honestly my biggest fear. Whenever things would get really bad she would pull things together and make an effort and things would be great again for about 2 weeks and then it would revert right back to how it was prior.

 

She said if we were to get back together or even try that she would put it all behind us but she has god-knows how many people stalking my Social Media accounts so anything I post is under a microscope.

 

I honestly don't even know if I would even want to get back with her. I think a big part of it is the holidays coming up and that has me thinking all kinds of things.

 

Reconciling with your wife would not be with your wife would be a smart choice, W2D. She would just go back to her old behaviors once she felt comfortable again. You're absolutely right.

 

If you're feeling triggered by the holidays coming up, you can always make new memories with your girlfriend. Since you see a future with her, this can be a chance for the two of you to start new traditions. I hope you wait at least a year or two before embarking on a second marriage.

[What-2-Do]

Reconciling with your wife would not be with your wife would be a smart choice, W2D. She would just go back to her old behaviors once she felt comfortable again. You're absolutely right.

 

If you're feeling triggered by the holidays coming up, you can always make new memories with your girlfriend. Since you see a future with her, this can be a chance for the two of you to start new traditions. I hope you wait at least a year or two before embarking on a second marriage.

 

I completely agree with this. Sometimes, it's so difficult to walk away even when we are happy when we finally do. I agree about making new memories with my new G/F. I clearly won't be running into getting married as I don't ever want to be in this situation ever again.

[BettyDraper]

I completely agree with this. Sometimes, it's so difficult to walk away even when we are happy when we finally do. I agree about making new memories with my new G/F. I clearly won't be running into getting married as I don't ever want to be in this situation ever again.

 

I'm very glad to hear that you aren't going to rush into a second marriage.

 

With respect to a future with your girlfriend, take a hard look at the fact that she had an affair with a married man. Unfortunately, that says something negative about her character. If she will cheat with you, then she will cheat on you as well.

 

Make sure that the two of you on the same page about serious issues such as money, children, sex etc. Realize that your girlfriend is still very young so her stance on these topics will likely change as she grows older.

[Just a Guy]

Hi What-2-do, from all that you have written about your relationship with your ex wife it seems she is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. This indicates that she may have a serious personality disorder which she would have to address before you could ever think of getting back with her. At the same time she is a 'known devil' whereas your GF is an unknown entity and someone who is very young and probably still very immature. I think you have to chart your future course of action very carefully if you want a happy future for yourself. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes..

[What-2-Do]

Hi What-2-do, from all that you have written about your relationship with your ex wife it seems she is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. This indicates that she may have a serious personality disorder which she would have to address before you could ever think of getting back with her. At the same time she is a 'known devil' whereas your GF is an unknown entity and someone who is very young and probably still very immature. I think you have to chart your future course of action very carefully if you want a happy future for yourself. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes..

 

My STBXW is def. hit or miss or hot or cold. She's usually not in the middle which makes dealing with her very difficult at times. Whenever I try having a conversation with her it just turns south quickly. I think she's just such a negative person that no matter how much I ever wanted to be happy with her again I can't be.

 

As for the new G/F being immature I can't disagree more. She grew up quickly and has her act together. The issue I mostly have with her is that she has major issues with the fact that I had a previous life. It kills her that I spent so much time with my ex and built a family together with her. Not sure if this is something she can ever get past either which obviously makes things challenging.