Crying over my ex.... why?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The issue I mostly have with her is that she has major issues with the fact that I had a previous life. It kills her that I spent so much time with my ex and built a family together with her. Not sure if this is something she can ever get past either which obviously makes things challenging.

 

This is a really big deal. Are you going to be willing to have more children?

[What-2-Do]

This is a really big deal. Are you going to be willing to have more children?

 

As of right now she says she doesn't want kids but who knows that may obviously change. I don't really want any more kids but I'm not 100% opposed to it. I guess that would dictate where our relationship is within the next 2-3 years. If we are married and she wants kids we will have one.

[elaine567]

The issue I mostly have with her is that she has major issues with the fact that I had a previous life.

 

As do many single women, and why a lot of them will not date MM, separated men, divorcees or men with children.

The fact you have "done it all" first with someone else will grate.

All the things that are deemed "special" to many woman, the engagement, the wedding, the honeymoon, the new home, the birth of the baby, the first smile, the child going to school, etc.etc. you have already done with someone else and that can tarnish the whole experience for her.

YOUR "first born" is already well established and the first wife will be seen to have a special place... that is why your gf wants her gone and for you to cut all unnecessary contact.

BUT you need to parent and that is going to be difficult to do with a woman who is already trying to lay down the law.

She is now realising what it really means to be with a married man, even if she has apparently "won".

 

 

,

Edited November 21, 2017 by elaine567

[BettyDraper]

My STBXW is def. hit or miss or hot or cold. She's usually not in the middle which makes dealing with her very difficult at times. Whenever I try having a conversation with her it just turns south quickly. I think she's just such a negative person that no matter how much I ever wanted to be happy with her again I can't be.

 

As for the new G/F being immature I can't disagree more. She grew up quickly and has her act together. The issue I mostly have with her is that she has major issues with the fact that I had a previous life. It kills her that I spent so much time with my ex and built a family together with her. Not sure if this is something she can ever get past either which obviously makes things challenging.

 

Having her act together and growing up quickly still does not negate the lack of life experience that a 24 year old will have. Women do mature faster than men but your girlfriend is still young enough to have gaps in her maturity level.

 

If you and your girlfriend stay together, then there will be plenty of time to build another life with her as well. It's very common for men in age gap marriages to have babies with their much younger second wives. Since you've mentioned having a future with your girlfriend, maybe you can reassure her that you would be delighted to build history with her as well.

[BettyDraper]

As do many single women, and why a lot of them will not date MM, separated men, divorcees or men with children.

The fact you have "done it all" first with someone else will grate.

All the things that are deemed "special" to many woman, the engagement, the wedding, the honeymoon, the new home, the birth of the baby, the first smile, the child going to school, etc.etc. you have already done with someone else and that can tarnish the whole experience for her.

YOUR "first born" is already well established and the first wife will be seen to have a special place... that is why your gf wants her gone and for you to cut all unnecessary contact.

BUT you need to parent and that is going to be difficult to do with a woman who is already trying to lay down the law.

She is now realising what it really means to be with a married man, even if she has apparently "won".

 

 

,

 

 

Well said. When I was single, I stopped dating men with kids because they were they had no time for a relationship. They were also slow to make commitments yet they wanted me to babysit their children. Single women without children don't want the baggage of a divorced man who is also a father.

[chinadiary]

Well said. When I was single, I stopped dating men with kids because they were they had no time for a relationship. They were also slow to make commitments yet they wanted me to babysit their children. Single women without children don't want the baggage of a divorced man who is also a father.

 

 

Couldn't agree more

[BettyDraper]

W2D, I think your girlfriend's naivete showed when she was willing to have an affair and exclusively date a man who cheated on his wife. A woman with more life experience and wisdom would typically refrain from getting into that situation. Your girlfriend is also naive about the challenging aspects of being with a divorced dad.

[sandylee1]

I've come across many 2nd wives being extremely jealous of the ex and knowing she had all the first experiences... it sometimes spills onto their relationship with the stepchildren... it's not pretty.

 

Sadly in some cases...the extreme jealousy has meant the dad stops seeing his children...because the new partner can't deal with it. She has him on such a tight leash.

 

It's heartbreaking when the child feels they have been pushed aside because of a new person in their dad's life.

 

Whatever happens... please don't let this be you.

 

I don't understand it because when you get with a man with children.. what do they expect.

[chinadiary]

I've come across many 2nd wives being extremely jealous of the ex and knowing she had all the first experiences... it sometimes spills onto their relationship with the stepchildren... it's not pretty.

 

Sadly in some cases...the extreme jealousy has meant the dad stops seeing his children...because the new partner can't deal with it. She has him on such a tight leash.

 

It's heartbreaking when the child feels they have been pushed aside because of a new person in their dad's life.

 

Whatever happens... please don't let this be you.

 

I don't understand it because when you get with a man with children.. what do they expect.

 

 

I've been there. I expected him, 100% to keep seeing/spending time with/having a close relationship with his adult kids. I did NOT expect to have to put up with their anti social behaviour, or to have to be a step mother (adult kids, remember). I also did not expect him to discuss our relationship with his ex wife (almost 30 years divorced).

 

No more men with kids. Ever

[BettyDraper]

I've come across many 2nd wives being extremely jealous of the ex and knowing she had all the first experiences... it sometimes spills onto their relationship with the stepchildren... it's not pretty.

 

Sadly in some cases...the extreme jealousy has meant the dad stops seeing his children...because the new partner can't deal with it. She has him on such a tight leash.

 

It's heartbreaking when the child feels they have been pushed aside because of a new person in their dad's life.

 

Whatever happens... please don't let this be you.

 

I don't understand it because when you get with a man with children.. what do they expect.

 

W2D's girlfriend doesn't know what to expect because she's inexperienced and immature.

A woman in her 30s would know the score even if she didn't want to accept it.

[sandylee1]

 

I also did not expect him to discuss our relationship with his ex wife (almost 30 years divorced).

 

No more men with kids. Ever

 

This happens when they just see the Ex as a friend and someone to talk to from a female perspective...but I know exactly how you feel...as my husband discussed or relationship (and troubles) with his Ex GF. I was furious to say the least.

 

....but the insecurities and jealousy can be so intense.

 

Some 2nd wives or partners go as far as encouraging less financial support too.

 

I had to point out to a 2nd wife recently...when she was talking about wishing she met him first... and wanting his Ex to no longer exist and basically disappear, that when he married his 1st wife she was just 4 years old... so it really wasn't possible in that sense.

 

She gets upset that her stepson has a photo of his mum and dad (with him) in his bedroom in their house.

 

You cannot erase history and I don't understand why the seconds don't get this.

 

W2D your GF is indeed young enough and from your description pretty enough to find a single man without children and an Ex wife... at 24 ... but she's chosen not to. She needs to get over it or you could be in for further misery of a different kind.

 

There was a thread on here a while back about a very jealous wife... who wanted his Ex to die alone she was that jealous. It wasn't enough that he ditched the Ex at the alter for her. The jealousy continued.

[What-2-Do]

This isn't solely about the jealousy part. She just feels any and all communication with my ex should be regarding our son and that's it. I can completely understand and respect that. It's not like my ex and I should remain friends and talk all the time and hang out. As for being a father my g/f would never in a million years want me to step back from that role.

 

Yes, at 25 she is much younger than I am and has had fewer life experiences than I have. I can understand that and I can see why she would have some insecurities because of it. She can find a new guy in a heartbeat as she has a lot to offer and is beautiful beyond words.

 

The relationship started out in a weird way. Yes, I was still married when we started dating. However, nothing was ever supposed to happen with us and neither of us wanted a relationship. Initially, we both agreed we would simply hang out when we wanted to and have fun together but never anything serious. What ended up happening is the more time we spent together the more time we wanted to be together and the closer we became. We both had a relationship shift and we both wanted to be in a committed relationship which was something neither of us wanted at the beginning. It was more or less about the physical and fun and now it's transformed into a committed relationship.

 

I honestly hope it lasts but I'm also not naive. I take it day by day.

[What-2-Do]

My ex wanted the two of us to sit down and talk so I agreed to this. I had my son yesterday so when I dropped him off we sat down. When I had my son he told me that he met her new b/f and that her b/f helped them decorate the X-Mas tree etc.

 

My ex started saying how she wished none of this ever happened and that she wanted to fix things and give us another try. When she was putting up the tree she was texting me saying how sad she was and how she wished I was there. I told her last night that I thought it was funny that she would be texting me that while she was with her new bf putting the tree up.

 

Needless to say I didn't want to deal with any more of her lies and bs so I stayed for about 5 minutes and told her I couldn't do this and didn't want to deal with all the lies so I left.

[BaileyB]

Yes, at 25 she is much younger than I am and has had fewer life experiences than I have. I can understand that and I can see why she would have some insecurities because of it.

 

If the roles were reversed and she was still talking to her ex-husband... If she was aware of his sex life... Well, I think you would definitely have a problem with that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My ex wanted the two of us to sit down and talk so I agreed to this. I had my son yesterday so when I dropped him off we sat down. When I had my son he told me that he met her new b/f and that her b/f helped them decorate the X-Mas tree etc.

 

My ex started saying how she wished none of this ever happened and that she wanted to fix things and give us another try. When she was putting up the tree she was texting me saying how sad she was and how she wished I was there. I told her last night that I thought it was funny that she would be texting me that while she was with her new bf putting the tree up.

 

Needless to say I didn't want to deal with any more of her lies and bs so I stayed for about 5 minutes and told her I couldn't do this and didn't want to deal with all the lies so I left.

 

Just because her new BF was there doesn't mean what she was texting you wasn't true.

 

Does your GF know about this sit down chat you had?

[What-2-Do]

Just because her new BF was there doesn't mean what she was texting you wasn't true.

 

Does your GF know about this sit down chat you had?

 

Yes, I told her prior to us meeting and then when I got back home with her. I'm not getting back with my ex so at this point forward I just need to get thru the divorce and move on.

[sandylee1]

Just because her BF was there doesn't mean she wouldn't have preferred you to be there.

 

In fact out shows yotre bet much on her mind.. if she could be texting you that while he was there.

 

Christmas is a time you reminisce just like you have yourself.

 

Are you now not bothered about her seeing someone or would you prefer she didn't have a new man? Honestly?

 

I'm sensing some anger from you towards her in your recent posts.

 

Wheh she realises there is no coming back and you don't want her.. she may well throw herself more fully into a relationship.

 

You also talk about how you got together with you GF... getting closer meant you were already crossing a line with her, even if it wasn't physical.

 

Would you honestly have been happy if your wife had that kind of a relationship with another man ... minus anything physical?

 

I think expecting the only conversation to be about your son after a long marriage is a little unrealistic too.

 

Of course the conversations shouldn't be intimate... but seeing divorced parents getting along is much better for the children concerned.

 

There's nothing wrong with being on friendly terms with your Ex.

[What-2-Do]

Just because her BF was there doesn't mean she wouldn't have preferred you to be there.

 

In fact out shows yotre bet much on her mind.. if she could be texting you that while he was there.

 

Christmas is a time you reminisce just like you have yourself.

 

Are you now not bothered about her seeing someone or would you prefer she didn't have a new man? Honestly?

 

I'm sensing some anger from you towards her in your recent posts.

 

Wheh she realises there is no coming back and you don't want her.. she may well throw herself more fully into a relationship.

 

You also talk about how you got together with you GF... getting closer meant you were already crossing a line with her, even if it wasn't physical.

 

Would you honestly have been happy if your wife had that kind of a relationship with another man ... minus anything physical?

 

I think expecting the only conversation to be about your son after a long marriage is a little unrealistic too.

 

Of course the conversations shouldn't be intimate... but seeing divorced parents getting along is much better for the children concerned.

 

There's nothing wrong with being on friendly terms with your Ex.

 

Am I bothered that she is seeing someone? Of course I am. I am after all human and I have feelings. I hate what I did to her and looking back I wish there was something I could have done to honestly fix our relationship and get back to where we were for so long. She's finally talking to someone and taking meds for her depression. She never would admit she suffered from depression but I'm happy she's finally addressing it.

 

these are the things that make me want to go back. If she gets her head on straight and back to the woman I married why wouldn't I want to get back with her? There are no guarantees in life. I hate to lose my new g/f because I'm mostly crazy about her but there are some huge red flags I have to deal with.

[norudder]

Be on your own. You arent ready to be with a woman other than your W yet. Not in any way that counts. Especially if there is still a chance you would reconcile with her. Does your gf know that you would go back to your W under those circumstances? Is she ok with being a casual benchwarmer or is she wanting/hoping for a future/committed R? Dont be selfish to her.

 

It might help to think not about WHO you want but WHAT you want in terms of a relationship. For example, I want a healthy loving relationship which for me includes core values like honesty, trust, respect, loyalty, etc. Despite the "feelings" I had or get for a man, if I dont see those things present, I am not going to continue. Otherwise, I am not holding integrity to myself and wont be happy with myself or in that relationship. The history and what you "used to have" are certainly tempting reasons to want to go back but does your W have what you want from a relationship? I cant have honesty in a relationship with a person who is dishonest, I cant feel emotionally safe or have loyalty with someone who is polyamorous/cheats, I cant have respect (which for me is tied to attraction) with someone who looks down on women, etc. What are your core values and which woman displays them?

 

If all you want is someone to sleep with and keep you company, thats fine but be straight with your gf that that's all she is. See if she's ok with that and sticks around. If not, see if you can be on your own and answer those deeper questions. My 2 cents.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Am I bothered that she is seeing someone? Of course I am. I am after all human and I have feelings. I hate what I did to her and looking back I wish there was something I could have done to honestly fix our relationship and get back to where we were for so long. She's finally talking to someone and taking meds for her depression. She never would admit she suffered from depression but I'm happy she's finally addressing it.

 

these are the things that make me want to go back. If she gets her head on straight and back to the woman I married why wouldn't I want to get back with her? There are no guarantees in life. I hate to lose my new g/f because I'm mostly crazy about her but there are some huge red flags I have to deal with.

 

It's great that she is getting help for her deression. Really great.

 

You seem to feel like you only have two options here. One, to stay with your current GF, or two, to go back to your wife. The best option for you, in my opinion, would be three, and that is to spend some time alone really evaluating your life, choices, and what you want your life to look like going forward, and what legacy you want to leave your kids.

[sandylee1]

Am I bothered that she is seeing someone? Of course I am. I am after all human and I have feelings. I hate what I did to her and looking back I wish there was something I could have done to honestly fix our relationship and get back to where we were for so long. She's finally talking to someone and taking meds for her depression. She never would admit she suffered from depression but I'm happy she's finally addressing it.

 

these are the things that make me want to go back. If she gets her head on straight and back to the woman I married why wouldn't I want to get back with her? There are no guarantees in life. I hate to lose my new g/f because I'm mostly crazy about her but there are some huge red flags I have to deal with.

 

I do feel for you. You really should consider taking time out and being alone to really think through it all.

 

Being alone is an option. At least for a little while and probably unlike most others here.... I'm of the view that this is the first time your wife realises what a good thing you guys had and she could honestly change.

 

Maybe I'm just too optimistic or crazily romantic and love a happy ending.

[BettyDraper]

W2D, what is it about being alone that scares you so much?

 

The problem with your current relationship is you have already led your girlfriend down the path of a serious connection with a future. If you decide that you need to be alone or go back to your wife, you will feel guilty for doing that to a woman who was too young to know any better. It might lead to her becoming bitter and jaded.

 

This is why so many people have a problem with age gap relationships....sometimes the older partner is preying on the younger person's idealism and lack of wisdom.

[LivingWaterPlease]

W2D, after reading your thread (haven't read your other threads) I encourage you to take a break from your gf and be on your own for a while. I'm not suggesting you get back together with your wife but I am suggesting you think long and hard about it while not seeing your gf.

 

Right now the gf's companionship feels great but there are many red flags in your relationship with her and my concern for you is that your R with your gf won't last longterm and you'll wish you'd taken more time to think about reconciling with your wife but that it will be too late to do so.

 

Right now your Ex W isn't seriously involved with anyone. But, there may come a day when she is. Seems to me this is a fleeting opportunity you may forever regret if you don't seize the day and do some serious thinking.

[What-2-Do]

W2D, what is it about being alone that scares you so much?

 

The problem with your current relationship is you have already led your girlfriend down the path of a serious connection with a future. If you decide that you need to be alone or go back to your wife, you will feel guilty for doing that to a woman who was too young to know any better. It might lead to her becoming bitter and jaded.

 

This is why so many people have a problem with age gap relationships....sometimes the older partner is preying on the younger person's idealism and lack of wisdom.

 

This is certainly a major concern of mine. I do love my g/f and she is awesome. I've already hurt my wife more than anyone else in her life has ever hurt her before. If I go back to her then my g/f gets hurt in the process and she previously had trust issues prior to what we have now.

 

I do wish I didn't rush into things with anyone. When I first started seeing my g/f it was comforting and the physical aspect of what we had was great. I didn't intend on being serious with her but as time went by we got closer and closer. Now, I am def. in love with her and I'm scared I will hurt her because I still think about my wife.

 

It's a lot like a death and I didn't give it time to grieve the loss of the relationship as someone else put it.

[What-2-Do]

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I finally met my girlfriends mother and her b/f. She had warned me about her mother and she was spot on about her. Her mother is basically my age and is extremely dramatic and self centered. The best way to describe her is she is VERY immature. We didn't talk much which I expected but for the most part she "accepts" me. My g/f doesn't much care because her relationship with her mother is mostly one-sided where everything is about the mom.

 

The B/F on the other hand is a total *******. My g/f warned me about him and she has always had a major dislike for him. When he got there he didn't say a word and actually sat alone in the other room. WEIRD

 

After about 10 minutes he came into the kitchen and asked to speak to me outside. I think his goal was to intimidate me or scare me off. However, I've trained and taught Martial Arts for over 30 years, fought MMA, have cauliflower ear and I'm a bodybuilder so I'm pretty jacked. Needless to say I don't easily get intimidated and I think he quickly realized I was the Alfa between the 2 of us. He started saying that he wasn't OK with the age gap and didn't like the idea of us seeing each other. I basically told him I understood and we didn't seek each other out it just happened and that I was sorry he felt that way but it wasn't going to change anything except that I would respect his concern and not be a jerk about it.

 

He was pretty frustrated and mentioned that he's glad I seem like a respectable person and that I'm clearly not an ******* or a gangbanger or anything like that. WTF!!!! He didn't eat dinner with any of us and then texted my gf later and said "At least you're old enough to make your own decisions so I don't have to shoot this guy." She responded back saying.... you should go shooting with him sometime as he's a Master Level shooter and his skills are insane. LMAO

 

Anyways, it was certainly a Thanksgiving that I won't quickly forget.