Crying over my ex.... why?

[BettyDraper]

Of course W2D can be blamed as he went in there denigrated the BF and led his wife to believe she had a chance to get back with him...

 

He effectively scuppered the relationship and he is now ecstatic with his gf and parading her around with this fab holiday, whilst the wife is alone...

 

All will be well until the next bf makes his appearance.

 

W2D's wife still had the option of staying with her boyfriend though.

She didn't have to leave him. That was a decision she made on her own.

I understand how W2D's infidelity was absolutely wrong but that doesn't mean that we should blame him for what he isn't responsible for.

[norudder]

Maybe it wasn't w2d "fault" directly but indiectly because she still has feelings for him and she or her boyfriend realized it

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

W2D's wife still had the option of staying with her boyfriend though.

She didn't have to leave him. That was a decision she made on her own.

I understand how W2D's infidelity was absolutely wrong but that doesn't mean that we should blame him for what he isn't responsible for.

 

Just guessing here, but it sounds like W2D probably did put thoughts into his ex's head that made her second guess her new BF AND the option of possible reconciliation, which is why she is blaming him.

 

And W2D seems to have recovered from his feelings for his ex and is now totally sure about the GF once again now that his ex is alone again....the threat has been removed.

Edited November 29, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[BettyDraper]

Just guessing here, but it sounds like W2D probably did put thoughts into his ex's head that made her second guess her new BF AND the option of possible reconciliation, which is why she is blaming him.

 

And W2D seems to have recovered from his feelings for his ex and is now totally sure about the GF once again now that his ex is alone again....the threat has been removed.

 

There is some truth to this but I still think that W2D's ex is responsible for her own decisions and the repercussions that come with them. He couldn't "make" his ex leave her boyfriend.

 

If you're correct about W2D purposely driving a wedge between his ex and her boyfriend then his behavior is very manipulative and controlling since he has happily moved on.

 

W2D, do you feel that only you should go on to find happiness but your ex should not?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There is some truth to this but I still think that W2D's ex is responsible for her own decisions and the repercussions that come with them. He couldn't "make" his ex leave her boyfriend.

 

If you're correct about W2D purposely driving a wedge between his ex and her boyfriend then his behavior is very manipulative and controlling since he has happily moved on.

 

W2D, do you feel that only you should go on to find happiness but your ex should not?

 

Oh I agree, of course he couldn't. However, he COULD continue to chide her and say disparaging things about the new man in an effort to demean him and their relationship together, which, if it was a new relationship she wasn't invested in yet, could definitely sway her opinion, especially if she really cares what he thinks of her.

[BettyDraper]

Oh I agree, of course he couldn't. However, he COULD continue to chide her and say disparaging things about the new man in an effort to demean him and their relationship together, which, if it was a new relationship she wasn't invested in yet, could definitely sway her opinion, especially if she really cares what he thinks of her.

 

I'm a firm believer in personal responsibility.

 

W2D's ex is not an impressionable child who is incapable of determining her own path in life. She could have refused to allow W2D to disparage her boyfriend by ending conversations if they went in that direction.

 

When I read W2D's other threads, sometimes I get the impression that he wants to control his ex's romantic life and that's problematic. However, the ex is still liable for whatever decisions she makes. She knew W2D cheated on her so that should have been an indicator of what his intentions were.

[What-2-Do]

As I said if I could have my "old" wife back I would go back without hesitation for even a second. I loved that woman more than I've ever loved anything or anyone in all my life. She was awesome. She was affectionate, caring, smart, funny, attractive, and wanted to do things.

 

The woman she became is no longer attractive by any means. She has her physical attributes and in that sense is beautiful but the negative person she's become is too much to deal with.

 

I have clearly flip/flopped back and forth on this and I have for the past 3+ years. A 16 year relationship is not something that's easy to walk away from. During those 16 years there were no break ups or separations or much of anything.

 

As I said before I still love her but I love the "old" her. I'm excited that she's finally getting help and I do want her to be happy. I truly wish that happiness would have been with me.

 

Yes, I'm crazy about my new g/f. She's awesome and we enjoy spending time together. I hope things continue to be great but again it's a newer relationship so only time will tell.

[norudder]

As I said if I could have my "old" wife back I would go back without hesitation for even a second. I loved that woman more than I've ever loved anything or anyone in all my life. She was awesome. She was affectionate, caring, smart, funny, attractive, and wanted to do things.

 

The woman she became is no longer attractive by any means. She has her physical attributes and in that sense is beautiful but the negative person she's become is too much to deal with.

 

I have clearly flip/flopped back and forth on this and I have for the past 3+ years. A 16 year relationship is not something that's easy to walk away from. During those 16 years there were no break ups or separations or much of anything.

 

As I said before I still love her but I love the "old" her. I'm excited that she's finally getting help and I do want her to be happy. I truly wish that happiness would have been with me.

 

Yes, I'm crazy about my new g/f. She's awesome and we enjoy spending time together. I hope things continue to be great but again it's a newer relationship so only time will tell.

 

Personally, I dont think its right to be dating (relationship oriented) while you are still hung up on another person. Even if that other person is a figment/fantasy/form that doesnt exist and the door to your heart is open to their return or becoming reality. Because if that ever happens and is still a potential in the back of your mind, where would that leave your gf? Not a priority, not emotionally. Seems selfish. Maybe your feelings for your gf will grow and eclipse those you had for the previous version of your wife but I dont think that will happen until you are truly ready to close the door on your stbxw (past present and future versions of her) and not without strong boundaries and more introspection. This has rebound all over IMO but good luck, might as well enjoy in the meantime.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Personally, I dont think its right to be dating (relationship oriented) while you are still hung up on another person. Even if that other person is a figment/fantasy/form that doesnt exist and the door to your heart is open to their return or becoming reality. Because if that ever happens and is still a potential in the back of your mind, where would that leave your gf? Not a priority, not emotionally. Seems selfish. Maybe your feelings for your gf will grow and eclipse those you had for the previous version of your wife but I dont think that will happen until you are truly ready to close the door on your stbxw (past present and future versions of her) and not without strong boundaries and more introspection. This has rebound all over IMO but good luck, might as well enjoy in the meantime.

 

I agree.

 

Four months down the road when the ex-wife has had success in her treatment and is close to the "old her" I wonder what this thread is going to look like.....especially if she has moved on and has found someone to love.

[BettyDraper]

Personally, I dont think its right to be dating (relationship oriented) while you are still hung up on another person. Even if that other person is a figment/fantasy/form that doesnt exist and the door to your heart is open to their return or becoming reality. Because if that ever happens and is still a potential in the back of your mind, where would that leave your gf? Not a priority, not emotionally. Seems selfish. Maybe your feelings for your gf will grow and eclipse those you had for the previous version of your wife but I dont think that will happen until you are truly ready to close the door on your stbxw (past present and future versions of her) and not without strong boundaries and more introspection. This has rebound all over IMO but good luck, might as well enjoy in the meantime.

 

I agree. Unfortunately, W2D is thinking of his own emotional needs above all.

[sandylee1]

I think her blaming you for her relationship being over, is more because of the feelings she still has for you.

 

Because she still loves you...she can't have a good relationship with another man.

 

She'll go through stages and perhaps feel hate towards you...then love...then indifference.

 

Only when the love dies down on her end will she be able to open herself fully to another relationship. At the moment you occupy her mind too much and she's been hopeful of reconciliation....be honest with her that it won't happen .... let her go properly, so she can stop living in hope.

 

You say you love her... so be happy for her when she gets into a relationship. It's like you want the relationship with your GF to continue happily...yet you don't really genuinely want yoyr Ex to find love with another man.

 

You don't want her yourself ... because she's bitter and all the other things you've said about her....but you don't want anyone else to want or have her either. You'd much rather she was on her own.

 

Perhaps if she heard you say "I'm sorry it didn't work out with us, but I'm happy in my relationship and want you to find happiness too"

 

She'd hear it loud and clear... that it won't happen...but somehow I don't think you are in a position to say that to her.

[What-2-Do]

My g/f and Indecided to go away this weekend tonthe casinos. We got a hotel for Friday thru Sunday. Friday night was mostly fine no major issues except for the fact I made a comment about my ex being kissed that I was driving my g/f car which she got pissed about for about an hour.

 

Saturday started fine and we scoped our the plans for Saturday night and then went for a drive. We ended up at a location where my wife and I went for our first weekend away together which made me sad

 

Anyways, Saturday night came around and she got all dressed up looking amazing. We got dinner and then hit the first bar at the casino we like. They had a live band but they were playing 60’s music so not really our thing. We left and went to another bar that had dancers on stage etc. my g/f really started to open up. By this point she was drinking heavily and I already stopped as I know my limits. She started confessing things about herself that I really don’t like at all. Apparently when she was 17 she was a stripper. Wtf

 

Anyways, I decide it’s time to leave and at this point she’s black out drunk. Falling over and I basically have to carry her three this huge casino. She doesn’t wear underwear so her vagina was basically hanging out and she was tripping over everything. We get to the Uber and I slide her in. As the driver drives off about 5 minutes in she starts throwing up everywhere. All over the car on me everywhere

 

We get back to our hotel and I get her out of the car to help the driver clean and she falls backwards onto the car slamming it hard. I tell the driver I’m bringing her back to the room and will come back down to help clean. As I get her to the room and into the bathroom she falls over slamming into the tub and crashing hard. Needless to say I’m pissed

 

This morning she tries to cuddle with me and I told her I was all set. This is the second time something like this has happened but nothing like last night. My ex didn’t drink at all so this is mostly new to me. I’m really uncomfortable now and thinking maybe it’s time to call it quits and just figure out myself

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Omg, that poor Uber driver.

 

I don't understand what you meant in the first paragraph....your ex wife was pissed (not kissed) that you were driving your girlfriend's car? Why would your wife even know that?

[BaileyB]

This is more or less what I would expect from your super hot, 25 year old girlfriend...

 

Perhaps, the shine is wearing off this new relationship. You can now evaluate this woman and this relationship for other important qualities - it's not all about the fun and sex anymore...

[BettyDraper]

My g/f and Indecided to go away this weekend tonthe casinos. We got a hotel for Friday thru Sunday. Friday night was mostly fine no major issues except for the fact I made a comment about my ex being kissed that I was driving my g/f car which she got pissed about for about an hour.

 

Saturday started fine and we scoped our the plans for Saturday night and then went for a drive. We ended up at a location where my wife and I went for our first weekend away together which made me sad

 

Anyways, Saturday night came around and she got all dressed up looking amazing. We got dinner and then hit the first bar at the casino we like. They had a live band but they were playing 60’s music so not really our thing. We left and went to another bar that had dancers on stage etc. my g/f really started to open up. By this point she was drinking heavily and I already stopped as I know my limits. She started confessing things about herself that I really don’t like at all. Apparently when she was 17 she was a stripper. Wtf

 

Anyways, I decide it’s time to leave and at this point she’s black out drunk. Falling over and I basically have to carry her three this huge casino. She doesn’t wear underwear so her vagina was basically hanging out and she was tripping over everything. We get to the Uber and I slide her in. As the driver drives off about 5 minutes in she starts throwing up everywhere. All over the car on me everywhere

 

We get back to our hotel and I get her out of the car to help the driver clean and she falls backwards onto the car slamming it hard. I tell the driver I’m bringing her back to the room and will come back down to help clean. As I get her to the room and into the bathroom she falls over slamming into the tub and crashing hard. Needless to say I’m pissed

 

This morning she tries to cuddle with me and I told her I was all set. This is the second time something like this has happened but nothing like last night. My ex didn’t drink at all so this is mostly new to me. I’m really uncomfortable now and thinking maybe it’s time to call it quits and just figure out myself

 

One strong sign of a rebound relationship is still thinking of your ex when you're with your new partner.

 

Your girlfriend is still young enough that she gets falling down drunk which is a sign of the immaturity I mentioned before. I would be appalled if I found out that my husband was ever involved in sex work so I don't blame you for being horrified about your girlfriend's confession.

 

On the other hand, I wish that you had held off on believing that you were in love with your rebound, W2D. Now that you have seen her flaws, you are already ready to leave which is a sign that you aren't truly in love. It's also very clear that you aren't over your ex yet. Since you have trouble being alone, I predict that you will end the relationship with your girlfriend and then try to get back with your ex. I hope that I'm wrong.

[chinadiary]

Exactly BD. He's found two reasons to leave her. She's just been an ego boost.

[anika99]

Omg, that poor Uber driver.

 

I don't understand what you meant in the first paragraph....your ex wife was pissed (not kissed) that you were driving your girlfriend's car? Why would your wife even know that?

 

I wondered that too OP. You tell your exwife that you are driving your gf's car and she gets pissed about it and then you tell your gf that your wife is upset that you drive the gf's car and your gf gets upset. It's like you enjoy playing these women against each other and getting them jealous of each other over you. Is that because it strokes your ego and makes you feel special?

 

The fact that you talk about your gf with your exwife and you talk about your exwife with your gf certainly indicates that you are in no way ready for a new serious relationship. I know if I started dating a guy and he started talking about me to exwife and then reporting back to me his exwife's reactions, that would be a serious enough signal to make me walk away. Your gf doesn't walk away because she is young and doesn't know better.

 

As for the drunken behaviour, when I was very young, I'm talking between the ages of about 18-21, I had many drunken nights but your gf's drunkeness still sounds excessive and over the top. By the time I was 22 I had outgrown the drinking so I think you should be concerned about a young woman who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to get that intoxicated.

[What-2-Do]

Let me clear this up about talking with the wife about the g/f and vice versa.

 

What happened was on Thursday when i dropped my son off I had my g/f car because she wanted to take mine. My wife texted me when she saw I was driving her car and was pissed. On Friday when we were out and coming home in the Uber we were talking about cars for whatever reason and she was saying she enjoyed driving my car much better than her own. I made some stupid comment that my ex was pissed when I dropped my son off in her car.

 

That's it. Nothing more nothing less.

 

As for the drunk episode and admitting she was a stripper I'm still not OK with it. She's been sleeping the entire day since we've gotten home and I honestly don't know what to do. What bothers me is she was only 17 doing this which infuriates me more than I can rationalize. What scumbag company would hire a Kid for this type of "job."

 

When it comes to sex my wife is somewhat naive and never did anything like stripping or even dating a lot of guys. Makes me wonder what else she is hiding. I'm not one to judge someone's past esp. when their parents were never there and she had to pay for her own college etc but I do draw the line with certain things and this may be one of them.

[BettyDraper]

Let me clear this up about talking with the wife about the g/f and vice versa.

 

What happened was on Thursday when i dropped my son off I had my g/f car because she wanted to take mine. My wife texted me when she saw I was driving her car and was pissed. On Friday when we were out and coming home in the Uber we were talking about cars for whatever reason and she was saying she enjoyed driving my car much better than her own. I made some stupid comment that my ex was pissed when I dropped my son off in her car.

 

That's it. Nothing more nothing less.

 

As for the drunk episode and admitting she was a stripper I'm still not OK with it. She's been sleeping the entire day since we've gotten home and I honestly don't know what to do. What bothers me is she was only 17 doing this which infuriates me more than I can rationalize. What scumbag company would hire a Kid for this type of "job."

 

When it comes to sex my wife is somewhat naive and never did anything like stripping or even dating a lot of guys. Makes me wonder what else she is hiding. I'm not one to judge someone's past esp. when their parents were never there and she had to pay for her own college etc but I do draw the line with certain things and this may be one of them.

 

Why on earth would you mention that to your girlfriend though?

She didn't need to know that and I agree with Anika that you are trying to play two women off of each other. An Alpha male would be too confident and mature to play such games, W2D.

 

It's not a surprise that you prefer women who are more "pure" in terms of sex. Most men feel the same way and I don't condemn you for that. I love sexually experienced men but I draw the line at any job which involves undressing for money. Ewwww! Everyone judges their partners' for their pasts and that's what you're doing as well. No need to be ashamed of that.

 

The bottom line is your girlfriend is not a suitable long term partner for you for many reasons. She is not adult enough to understand that you have obligations as a father and one of them is cordiality with your ex. She doesn't know how to manage alcohol consumption and she was a stripper in the past. Maturity differences are a stumbling block in age gap relationships.

 

Sadly, when you decide to end this relationship your girlfriend will certainly be damaged by this experience. Going through romantic disappointments at a young age can lead to women becoming jaded. She may feel duped and foolish because you told her that you loved her. Just try to be as kind and honorable as possible when you leave your girlfriend. Don't cheat on her or be unnecessarily hurtful.

[What-2-Do]

I haven't been able to get on here for several days as I'm not sure if their server was down?

 

Anyways, I had a long talk with my g/f about everything. First of all she never was a stripper. (thank god) She said when she was 17 her friends father pretty much owned this shady strip-club and her and her female friend would go because they could get served alcohol. She said she on a couple of occasions when drunk and 17 danced on stage with another girl but she NEVER took her clothes off or stripped down or anything like that.

 

It was simply a place to hang out and get served alcohol at a young age. She never worked there or anything. Obviously, she could be lying but I don't think she is.

 

She was really upset on Sunday and cried for most of the day. She said she didn't mean on getting drunk like that obviously and the fact that she didn't eat anything more than a salad for dinner caught up to her. She really didn't have that much to drink but it makes sense if on mostly an empty stomach.

 

This week has been really good thus far. We've had great communication and things just feel how they should. As for my STBXW she's been bipolar this week. I went over her house to help her get the snowblower started and there were flowers on her table. I didn't say a word about it and it didn't even bother me. If I saw that 2 weeks ago I would have been upset but now I didn't even care.

 

I think I realize now that she's simply become her mother and she's just a miserable person with a poor outlook on everything.

[stillafool]

Oh don't worry about her getting black out drunk, throwing up everywhere and forgetting her confession the next day. Just remember she is super good looking and like you said earlier that is really important to you. You can't find everything in one person.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh don't worry about her getting black out drunk, throwing up everywhere and forgetting her confession the next day. Just remember she is super good looking and like you said earlier that is really important to you. You can't find everything in one person.

 

Exactly. All of that coupled with her fear of not being #1 in your life....this relationship is headed for disaster.

 

And, yes, W2D, none of us could get on to LS because of a server issue.

[BettyDraper]

W2D, a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts. That story which your girlfriend fed you sounds dubious. How could her friend's dad constantly serve liquor to minors without being shut down? I'm sure that your girlfriend and her pals weren't the only ones who knew about this club. Also, how could your girlfriend dance on stage without stripping? I doubt the customers would have been tolerant of not seeing naked women on stage at a strip club. Sorry but I call BS on your girlfriend's explanation.

 

You shouldn't even care about your ex wife's moods or the similarities between she and her mother.

[sandylee1]

Maybe your Ex bought the flowers to cheer herself up...or a new admirer ... but great to hear the flowers didn't bother you.

 

I have to say...the getting fall down drunk...throwing up and conducting oneself like that makes me sick.

 

When I see young ladies like that... they look cheap and unattractive.

 

 

I still very much doubt the longevity of this relationship.

 

Though I think once your Ex grieves the end of the marriage...she'll find a partner to settle down with ... as it won't be rushed.

 

I did do wonder about the change of story regarding stripping though. She probably sensed that you weren't ok with it the following day and back peddled.

 

That level if drunkenness with her privates hanging out will get guys taking advantage of her.

 

I reckon you have what they call a 'high cheat risk' with her.

[What-2-Do]

I’m not going to lie and pretend my gf is very loyal. I hope she is but I clearly have my doubts. She gets mad whenever anything is said about my ex no matter who brings it up and she made a comment today that she would never have a kid with me.

 

My ex on the other hand is very loyal and I know for a fact would never cheat on me.