Crying over my ex.... why?

[BettyDraper]

I’m not going to lie and pretend my gf is very loyal. I hope she is but I clearly have my doubts. She gets mad whenever anything is said about my ex no matter who brings it up and she made a comment today that she would never have a kid with me.

 

My ex on the other hand is very loyal and I know for a fact would never cheat on me.

 

How can you be in love with a disloyal woman?

Your ex might be loyal but you are not and that's why your marriage ended.

[What-2-Do]

How can you be in love with a disloyal woman?

Your ex might be loyal but you are not and that's why your marriage ended.

 

I never said that my g/f isn’t loyal I said I just don’t know. I believer that she is but I’ve only been with her for 6 months now

 

My ex and I aren’t together because we had no relationship for many many years

[BettyDraper]

I never said that my g/f isn’t loyal I said I just don’t know. I believer that she is but I’ve only been with her for 6 months now

 

My ex and I aren’t together because we had no relationship for many many years

 

Okay but what is the point an exclusive relationship if you can’t be sure of your partner’s loyalty?

 

Your infidelity was the final nail in the coffin. You chose to cheat instead of walking away for the other reasons.

[What-2-Do]

Okay but what is the point an exclusive relationship if you can’t be sure of your partner’s loyalty?

 

Your infidelity was the final nail in the coffin. You chose to cheat instead of walking away for the other reasons.

 

Let’s be clear. My gf hasn’t done anything that would make me doubt her loyalty. I just don’t know her as well as I know my wife. No matter who I start dating I will have my doubts

 

 

Yes, I cheated and I hate that I did. I still text my ex daily and I’m hurt by what I did.

[BettyDraper]

Let’s be clear. My gf hasn’t done anything that would make me doubt her loyalty. I just don’t know her as well as I know my wife. No matter who I start dating I will have my doubts

 

 

Yes, I cheated and I hate that I did. I still text my ex daily and I’m hurt by what I did.

 

Do you text your ex about your son or about your feelings towards her?

 

It's very hard to end a long marriage. History cannot be thrown away without grief and you will always need to be in contact with your wife until your son is an independent adult.

[whichwayisup]

Let’s be clear. My gf hasn’t done anything that would make me doubt her loyalty. I just don’t know her as well as I know my wife. No matter who I start dating I will have my doubts

 

 

Yes, I cheated and I hate that I did. I still text my ex daily and I’m hurt by what I did.

 

Of course, you and your wife had a history with family and friends entwined. You can't expect to know your gf too well after 5 to 6 months! Don't compare your ex vs your current gf.

 

Anyway, your wife is healing and moving on with her life. Sad situation all around but maybe best for everybody - She may be a happier person now and feels better about herself without having to deal with the stresses and problems in the marriage daily. You probably have less anger and resentment too. This is a good thing so please, don't reach out to your ex and hope for a future with her just because now you see her happier and on a healthier path.

[sandylee1]

She'd never have a kid with you is an odd thing to say unless she doesn't want kids.

 

But her comment was she'd never have one with you. So unless she doesn't want kids at all, she's effectively saying she doesn't see you as her forever lover or lifetime partner.

 

Didn't you pick up on that comment?

[What-2-Do]

My STBXW is absolutely miserable and has been since this whole thing started. She admitted to crying herself to sleep every single night since this has started. My son confirmed that he hears her cry nearly every single day. This breaks my heart. She tells me she still loves me and wishes she could turn back the clock to when we were happy together. She said she didn’t realize how much damage was being done by not going out together because she said she figured because I was training Jiu Jitsu at night nearly every night that I was happy

 

 

Truth be told I did enjoy training but it was mostly because I was angry being home watching her watch tv and never wanting to do anything. She said that the affair was her wake up call and she’s upset that I never even gave her the opportunity to prove things would be different. She tried and I told her I couldn’t cheat on my new g/f. Yes, I cheated but it’s not who I am. I’ve never done it before nor would I ever do it again. I hate myself for doing it and it’s such a hit on my character. It is the worst form of betrayal anyone could ever do to someone else

 

 

 

 

Of course, you and your wife had a history with family and friends entwined. You can't expect to know your gf too well after 5 to 6 months! Don't compare your ex vs your current gf.

 

Anyway, your wife is healing and moving on with her life. Sad situation all around but maybe best for everybody - She may be a happier person now and feels better about herself without having to deal with the stresses and problems in the marriage daily. You probably have less anger and resentment too. This is a good thing so please, don't reach out to your ex and hope for a future with her just because now you see her happier and on a healthier path.

[What-2-Do]

She'd never have a kid with you is an odd thing to say unless she doesn't want kids.

 

But her comment was she'd never have one with you. So unless she doesn't want kids at all, she's effectively saying she doesn't see you as her forever lover or lifetime partner.

 

Didn't you pick up on that comment?

 

She doesn’t want kids and she told me before we were ever dating that she would not have a kid with someone that already has one because she would feel that child would never be special. We’ve talked about it since and she’s coming around but when she’s pissed at me she will sometimes make that statement again. Not sure if she means it or if she just says it because she feels threatened by my ex

[BettyDraper]

My STBXW is absolutely miserable and has been since this whole thing started. She admitted to crying herself to sleep every single night since this has started. My son confirmed that he hears her cry nearly every single day. This breaks my heart. She tells me she still loves me and wishes she could turn back the clock to when we were happy together. She said she didn’t realize how much damage was being done by not going out together because she said she figured because I was training Jiu Jitsu at night nearly every night that I was happy

 

 

Truth be told I did enjoy training but it was mostly because I was angry being home watching her watch tv and never wanting to do anything. She said that the affair was her wake up call and she’s upset that I never even gave her the opportunity to prove things would be different. She tried and I told her I couldn’t cheat on my new g/f. Yes, I cheated but it’s not who I am. I’ve never done it before nor would I ever do it again. I hate myself for doing it and it’s such a hit on my character. It is the worst form of betrayal anyone could ever do to someone else

 

So you can cheat on the woman you took vows with but you must stay faithful to your AP? I’m not saying that you should cheat on your girlfriend but it must have been terrible for your ex wife to hear that. I guess your wife wasn’t attractive or young enough for you to stay faithful to.

 

You mentioned having an affair on this forum before you did it which means you planned to step out on your wife. That means that cheating is who you are. Typically those with more integrity do not actively plan affairs.

 

One of the reasons women stay away from men with kids is they want to experience becoming parents with someone who has not already been down that road. Your girlfriend’s concerns are normal but they indicate being unable to deal with your past. She could change her mind....but if you want more children with her then her comment is a bad sign. As I said before, your girlfriend just isn’t mature enough to be with a divorced dad.

[sandylee1]

She doesn’t want kids and she told me before we were ever dating that she would not have a kid with someone that already has one because she would feel that child would never be special. We’ve talked about it since and she’s coming around but when she’s pissed at me she will sometimes make that statement again. Not sure if she means it or if she just says it because she feels threatened by my ex

 

If she really didn't want kids at all...with anybody... she would not have made that comment.

 

She can't deal with your past relationship or that you have a child out of it.

 

 

You'll keep plodding along....but one day she'll realise that she's not going to sacrifice not having kids.... she's too jealous of your Ex and that will end things.

 

Her saying this things when she's pissed shows her level of maturity.

 

Time will tell... but there are issues with your GF you're putting aside...because she's a PYT (pretty young thing) and the sex is great.

 

I wonder how your son feel deep inside knowing she's your new love and hugs mum cries every night.

 

I saw a lady today who spoke of when her dad left for an OW...she still recalls her mum being depressed and she's 50.

 

Your son may like your GF ... but he's not stupid... and I have to agree with Betty...a real slap in the face for your wife thst you vs cheat on a 16 year marriage with a child...but you are now a man of morals with your GF..... that will feel like you didn't love her.... and I guess you didn't really at thst time.

 

I feel sorry for your Ex.

 

I also know what she means about you not addressing how serious the issues were until you'd checked out of the marriage.

 

My brother did a similar thug and even though he said he told his Ex...he didn't really express how serious it was...until it was too late... and he'd checked out.

 

But hey... that's life. We live and learn.

[sandylee1]

Your GFs views about a child with somone who already has one not being special is also a sign of her immaturity.

 

Each child is individual and special. If she's sure she loves a man... why wouldn't a child with him be special.

 

I must say I've heard this from the other side....the Ex wife feeling upset when the new GF/wife has a baby.

 

They think their children will take a back seat and be pushed out by the new baby. ..because some fathers do this.

 

It's because when as a woman you carry a baby ... no matter who the father is... you love that child just the same.

[What-2-Do]

My son has been having some major anger issues. I’m sure a lot of it is related. We are trying to get him into counselling but we can’t even get an appointment because everyone is so booked. Last night she messaged me saying I needed to come home and help her because he was going crazy

 

 

I went and he was trying to pull his hair out and screaming and yelling. I’ve never seen this side of him and he says it was because of a test he has on Friday. I was able to get him to calm down after a half hour or so and then he was fine

 

My wife on the other hand was crying and crying. I tried to talk to her but she couldn’t pull herself together. She said she’s nothing but a failure and she can’t accept what happened and how I ruined her. I can’t believe the monster I’ve turned into. Since I’ve stopped taking the depression meds my thoughts are no longer numb. I cry daily about the entire situation

 

I think of how loyal my wife was and how much she really did love me. Now, she is finally getting help for her depression and that’s awesome. Why wouldn’t she do it before? I would go back to her in a heartbeat if I could get my wife of 4 years ago back.

 

Many mention here that the attraction to my new gf and the sex is so important. It is but I’m still so attracted to my wife. She’s beautiful and I will always be attracted to her.

 

Sorry, just rambling on. Clearly I F-ed up big time

[stillafool]

 

 

Many mention here that the attraction to my new gf and the sex is so important. It is but I’m still so attracted to my wife. She’s beautiful and I will always be attracted to her.

 

 

From what I recall it was you that said having a beautiful woman and great sex was important to you and to any man. You got exactly what you wanted. Why are you calling your wife everyday? You should only be talking to her if your son has a problem. How old is your son? Can he text? If so, text him daily and leave your ex alone unless there is a problem that needs your input. Your ex wife will grieve your loss and be able to move on if you will stay out of her face.

[anika99]

Sorry for you and your family and all the pain you all seem to be going through right now. This kind of strife is always the hardest on the kids. Some kids show their agony almost right away, like your son, and some children bury their pain deep inside for years and it comes out much later as adults. Your son's behaviour is a call out for help. I think all of you need counselling.

 

The problem with your GF is that she came upon the scene much too soon. I mean obviously since she's the one you cheated with, but even if you hadn't cheated your way out of your marriage it's still too soon for a serious gf. Fine if you wanted to leave your wife but the first year or two of being seperated should have been spent solely on seeing to the emotional well being of the kids. Fine if you want to get laid from time to time but the kids should not be meeting or even knowing about any other girlfriends this soon. All of the messiness and pain of divorce should be treated before starting a new relationship.

 

By jumping into this relationship with the OW you have put the cart way before the horse and the result is that everyone is miserable. You and your wife cry everyday, your son is acting out and your gf is angry and jealous because of the way your relationship started. It's a competition to her and it always will be. Just because you left your marriage doesn't mean youre absolved of your responsibility to your family. You still have to care for them and make their wellbeing a priority.

[BettyDraper]

Sorry for you and your family and all the pain you all seem to be going through right now. This kind of strife is always the hardest on the kids. Some kids show their agony almost right away, like your son, and some children bury their pain deep inside for years and it comes out much later as adults. Your son's behaviour is a call out for help. I think all of you need counselling.

 

The problem with your GF is that she came upon the scene much too soon. I mean obviously since she's the one you cheated with, but even if you hadn't cheated your way out of your marriage it's still too soon for a serious gf. Fine if you wanted to leave your wife but the first year or two of being seperated should have been spent solely on seeing to the emotional well being of the kids. Fine if you want to get laid from time to time but the kids should not be meeting or even knowing about any other girlfriends this soon. All of the messiness and pain of divorce should be treated before starting a new relationship.

 

By jumping into this relationship with the OW you have put the cart way before the horse and the result is that everyone is miserable. You and your wife cry everyday, your son is acting out and your gf is angry and jealous because of the way your relationship started. It's a competition to her and it always will be. Just because you left your marriage doesn't mean youre absolved of your responsibility to your family. You still have to care for them and make their wellbeing a priority.

 

This. W2D handled this situation in a very selfish manner and now everyone is struggling. He isn't over his wife yet he is dating his AP and cruelly parading his new relationship in front of his ex. He also immediately introduced his new girlfriend to his child which is unhealthy.

 

These actions are reprehensible and appallingly self centred.

 

W2D, start thinking about the effects of your choices on everyone who is involved in this situation you have created. For God's sake, FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD rather than thinking about taking trips with your girlfriend. Apologize profusely to your ex wife for your behavior and work on maintaining a friendship with her.

 

What is it with some newly separated folks who can't be alone for a while and focus on their children? I have a friend who is the same way. She was sleeping with lots of men as soon as she and her husband were separated. She has introduced her children to her new boyfriend even though they have only been together for six months. Her ex husband already has a new girlfriend and the kids have met her too. I think it's selfish to expose children to new partners so soon after a separation. The children are grieving and need extra attention. They don't need to see their parents' new partners because that adds another layer of pain.

[elaine567]

Now, she is finally getting help for her depression and that’s awesome. Why wouldn’t she do it before?

 

Because that is often how depression works.

Depressed people often do not see the point of getting help.

They feel they are useless, hopeless, worthless, a lost cause... Some can literally not be bothered to seek help, they lack the basic motivation to do so.

 

There are also many other reasons a depressed person may not want to seek help, embarrassment, shame, feeling like a failure, feeling like a burden, being totally negative about the likely success of treatment, wanting to hide away, not wanting to bother people, not wanting to expose vulnerability to others, not wishing to disclose private thoughts to an outside party, not wanting to admit they are struggling with their mental health as there is still a perceived stigma, scared of others finding out... etc. etc.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but W2D doesn't deserve his wife back. Who wants to be left for a newer model when you are going through depression and other issues. Then when you seek help and get yourself back on track your cheating ex wants to come running back. His wife deserves better than him. His gf deserves to be with him; regardless of her age and whatever may come.

[What-2-Do]

Part of me still thinks I’m going to get back together with my wife. The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

My son comes before anyone and I will drop everything and anything whenever he’s in distress or needs me. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept that.

[whichwayisup]

My son has been having some major anger issues. I’m sure a lot of it is related. We are trying to get him into counselling but we can’t even get an appointment because everyone is so booked. Last night she messaged me saying I needed to come home and help her because he was going crazy

 

 

I went and he was trying to pull his hair out and screaming and yelling. I’ve never seen this side of him and he says it was because of a test he has on Friday. I was able to get him to calm down after a half hour or so and then he was fine

 

My wife on the other hand was crying and crying. I tried to talk to her but she couldn’t pull herself together. She said she’s nothing but a failure and she can’t accept what happened and how I ruined her. I can’t believe the monster I’ve turned into. Since I’ve stopped taking the depression meds my thoughts are no longer numb. I cry daily about the entire situation

 

I think of how loyal my wife was and how much she really did love me. Now, she is finally getting help for her depression and that’s awesome. Why wouldn’t she do it before? I would go back to her in a heartbeat if I could get my wife of 4 years ago back.

 

Many mention here that the attraction to my new gf and the sex is so important. It is but I’m still so attracted to my wife. She’s beautiful and I will always be attracted to her.

 

Sorry, just rambling on. Clearly I F-ed up big time

 

Do family counseling. Your son needs you both. Put the thoughts of wanting your wife back to the back burner and focus on helping him get through this rough time. Your gf needs to understand that your son comes first right now and if that means she gets upset about that then she just has to deal with it.

[whichwayisup]

Part of me still thinks I’m going to get back together with my wife. The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

My son comes before anyone and I will drop everything and anything whenever he’s in distress or needs me. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept that.

 

The fact she's feeling insecure about your R with her is understandable, you're being honest here by admitting you still love your wife and if you could go back you would.

[BettyDraper]

Part of me still thinks I’m going to get back together with my wife. The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

My son comes before anyone and I will drop everything and anything whenever he’s in distress or needs me. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept that.

 

If your son came before everything, you would not have introduced him to your girlfriend right away. You would have been far more considerate of your son's recent trauma to expose him to a different woman in your life.

 

More than one member has said that your girlfriend isn't mature enough to date a divorced dad. She doesn't understand or appreciate your obligations to your son. Unfortunately, that includes contact with your ex and going to her house sometimes. You and your girlfriend just aren't compatible but you are too blinded by good sex and her beauty to see that.

 

In the future, you may want to date women who are older and understand your situation. Maybe divorced moms would be a better fit for you in the future.

[BaileyB]

I am quite concerned for your son. What you have described is the behavior of a child who is in significant distress. Your son would benefit from the support of a good counsellor and then, your family would benefit from some family counselling.

 

As for you OP, you don't seem to know if you are coming or going from your family. I can only imagine the distress your decisions and your inconsistent messages are causing every member of your family, including yourself. My best advice is to separate from your girlfriend and take some time alone - get some counselling and take the time that you need to figure out what it is that you want for your life and how you want to move forward... to do anything less, will just continue to add to the trauma and distress that everyone is feeling.

 

This indecisive, non-committed behavior is not helping anyone and clearly causing pain and distress all around...

[BettyDraper]

I am quite concerned for your son. What you have described is the behavior of a child who is in significant distress. Your son would benefit from the support of a good counsellor and then, your family would benefit from some family counselling.

 

As for you OP, you don't seem to know if you are coming or going from your family. I can only imagine the distress your decisions and your inconsistent messages are causing every member of your family, including yourself. My best advice is to separate from your girlfriend and take some time alone - get some counselling and take the time that you need to figure out what it is that you want for your life and how you want to move forward... to do anything less, will just continue to add to the trauma and distress that everyone is feeling.

 

This indecisive, non-committed behavior is not helping anyone and clearly causing pain and distress all around...

 

W2D has been advised on numerous occasions to leave his girlfriend and focus on his emotional development. It doesn't seem like he's interested that just now. I hope that his son's recent outburst makes W2D reconsider.

[What-2-Do]

W2D has been advised on numerous occasions to leave his girlfriend and focus on his emotional development. It doesn't seem like he's interested that just now. I hope that his son's recent outburst makes W2D reconsider.

 

I don't want to leave my g/f. I'll be completely clear about that. We are taking a step back and slowing down a bit. She has a test coming up to get a major promotion at work so for the next 2 months that is going to be the #1 focus. I also start a new job the first week of January so my focus will be changing as well.

 

My wife is still texting me pretty much all day long. The problem is when I think about going back with her and trying again she shows her negative side and starts taking constant digs. I just don't think I can ever live thru that again.

 

I will always love my wife but I will prob. always resent her at the same time. I love my new g/f as she makes me happy and looks at me in ways my wife hasn't in years. We have fun together and we have a very strong connection emotionally. Clearly, it's not a perfect relationship but I feel it get better pretty much daily. We've had some learning curves along the way and some things we both need to be aware of. I.E: talking about my wife and drinking too much

 

In a relationship these are the things that matter most to me:

 

1.) Attention- Can be as simple as a text message or a hug from behind

2.) Emotional connection- Must be able to have a strong bond

3.) Physical connection- Must be some physical attraction

4.) Intimacy- This includes not only sex but kissing, hugging, cuddling

5.) Supporting each other

6.) Doing things together/exploring things- I'm a guy I need a companion and a friend to hang out with

 

I said previously that sex is the most important thing in a relationship but that's simply not true. I think it become more important than it should when you're no longer having it and your partner is constantly rejecting you. This was the case in my marriage for years. Sex is VERY important to me but it's def. not #1. I find with my g/f just laying in bed holding her gives us a stronger bond than when we have sex.