Crying over my ex.... why?

[What-2-Do]

2017 has been the most challenging year of my life. I've been in crisis mode nearly the entire year. Not saying this justifies my actions but I think it puts things into perspective.

 

In 2016 I made about $250,000 and was making this for a few years owning my own business. Things were GREAT but not in my relationship. Because I was depressed I would get a pick-me-up by buying things. We aren't talking a $100 item but I was buying VERY expensive things like high end sports cars and SUV's. At one point I had 4 cars worth over $250,000. STUPID!!!!!!

 

I came to a cross-road with my business where I couldn't grow any more without expanding. So, I ended up moving it. Originally, the building was quoted at $150K which was fine. We had everything lined up without having to take out any loans. My business was 100% debt free since I opened it 7+ years ago. As the buildout started we got hit with more expenses to the tune of over double what we were expecting. We were forced to take out some heavy loans with a payback of 18 months. Do the math a $160,000 over 18 months with 8% interest. Not cheap!!!!

 

On top of this the expenses at the new location were 5 times what we had at the old location. Our Net (profit) went from $20K+ per month to less than $6K per month. As our numbers grew with thew new location so didn't the issues and overdue and payroll and taxes and everything else. At this point we started having staffing issues and I ended up firing a manager and she got almost all of my other staff to quit. My life was falling apart and when most of my staff quit so didn't my billing plummit as people cancelled their memberships and credit cards.

 

At this point we were now losing money and I didn't have the staffing and all my savings were going into the business to keep it afloat. At the same time my marriage was falling apart hardcore. I ended up having ALL my cars repossesed in the process and losing my business. (luckily- I was able to sell it for a large amount of money but it's a payout over the next 40 months)

 

A lot of why the business went downhill was because of money issues but a lot of it was made because of poor decisions on my part because I was in crisis mode. I was seriously depressed and making poor decision after poor decision. I became extremely selfish because I thought the world was against me. Hence the timing of my affair. This doesn't justify my behavior at all but it gives a look into my mental state at the time.

 

At one point I was ready to commit suicide and actually got taken by gunpoint by the police to the hospital. They released me obviously but it was the lowest point of my life. I never had a mental breakdown like that before and it was horrible. I'm not trying to live a more modest lifestyle and just want to be happy again. I think this has obviously clouded my judgement.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Because that is often how depression works.

Depressed people often do not see the point of getting help.

They feel they are useless, hopeless, worthless, a lost cause... Some can literally not be bothered to seek help, they lack the basic motivation to do so.

 

There are also many other reasons a depressed person may not want to seek help, embarrassment, shame, feeling like a failure, feeling like a burden, being totally negative about the likely success of treatment, wanting to hide away, not wanting to bother people, not wanting to expose vulnerability to others, not wishing to disclose private thoughts to an outside party, not wanting to admit they are struggling with their mental health as there is still a perceived stigma, scared of others finding out... etc. etc.

 

Also, you're depressed, it can be hard to just have the energy to do it. It becomes just one more thing on the to-do list, not to mention the cost of it if you have crappy insurance or no insurance (no clue if that's the case here).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Part of me still thinks I’m going to get back together with my wife. The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

My son comes before anyone and I will drop everything and anything whenever he’s in distress or needs me. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept that.

 

I don't want to leave my g/f. I'll be completely clear about that. We are taking a step back and slowing down a bit. She has a test coming up to get a major promotion at work so for the next 2 months that is going to be the #1 focus. I also start a new job the first week of January so my focus will be changing as well.

 

 

You are so all over the place and a bundle of contradictions. You have absolutely no idea what you actually want, although your list of what's important to you in a relationship is very telling about why you're where you are.....with you wanting "attention" as #1, it's very clear why you can't just be alone and figure yourself out.

[BaileyB]

I hope that you get the help you need in counselling.

 

Reading your post, it is very clear that you have really struggled this past year. I'm sorry, that must have been very painful. It's also really clear why your wife and son are not coping well.

 

You, and your family, have been in crisis this year. Hopefully, you will be able to get your life back on track in 2018. Best wishes.

[BettyDraper]

W2D, why aren't you in counselling if you have attempted suicide and made huge financial errors? You desperately need help and that's why so many LS members say that you should not be dating.

 

I hope everything works out for you. I just feel like there's a storm brewing.

Something huge will occur and it will force you to make the changes that you're so afraid of.

[stillafool]

Part of me still thinks I’m going to get back together with my wife. The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

My son comes before anyone and I will drop everything and anything whenever he’s in distress or needs me. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept that.

 

You can still do this without going back to your wife while still loving your gf. You need to be alone and figure yourself out. You DON'T need a woman.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

W2D, why aren't you in counselling if you have attempted suicide and made huge financial errors? You desperately need help and that's why so many LS members say that you should not be dating.

 

I hope everything works out for you. I just feel like there's a storm brewing.

Something huge will occur and it will force you to make the changes that you're so afraid of.

 

I suspect it will be his girlfriend coming to the realization that she's much too young to have made a final decision about never having kids because it won't be his first child. And also that she won't be able to handle the child coming first (in theory) for too much longer.

[elaine567]

The isssues I’m having now with my gf revolve around my son. Last night I went to my wife’s house to help her with my son but if I told my gf I went there she wouldn’t talk to me and would be so pissed off

 

You are now sneaking around behind your gfs back in order to tend to your son...

How long can this go on?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are now sneaking around behind your gfs back in order to tend to your son...

How long can this go on?

 

Seriously. This is NOT normal, and not at all a symptom of a healthy relationship.....with your GF or with your son.

[BettyDraper]

I suspect it will be his girlfriend coming to the realization that she's much too young to have made a final decision about never having kids because it won't be his first child. And also that she won't be able to handle the child coming first (in theory) for too much longer.

 

You could be right. The fact that W2D needs to sneak around to tend to his son is a terrible sign.

 

I'm startled by the immaturity displayed in W2D's posts. It's like talking to a 20 year old. I don't understand the point of asking for advice only to disregard it and then complain when the inevitable consequences occur. The poor decision making also befits a very young adult.

[sandylee1]

Your recent post gives great insight into your state of mind.

 

I think it's all the more reason you need to focus on yourself, but I can also see that you are fearful of being alone....and you, as a person need and crave affection and attention.

 

You feel that you have some happiness that you've missed in a while ate you aren't willing too give it up.

 

 

But.... I also believe relationships are based on honesty and I'll bet if your GF knew you still loved your Ex...she'd end it.

 

Maybe after the sexual rejection from your wife.... you feel you need to be wanted and desired.... which hasn't been the case in the last few years in your marriage.

 

Things have been tough for you.... I just don't see where you've taken time on your own to think.

 

When will your divorce be finalised?

[What-2-Do]

Your recent post gives great insight into your state of mind.

 

I think it's all the more reason you need to focus on yourself, but I can also see that you are fearful of being alone....and you, as a person need and crave affection and attention.

 

You feel that you have some happiness that you've missed in a while ate you aren't willing too give it up.

 

 

But.... I also believe relationships are based on honesty and I'll bet if your GF knew you still loved your Ex...she'd end it.

 

Maybe after the sexual rejection from your wife.... you feel you need to be wanted and desired.... which hasn't been the case in the last few years in your marriage.

 

Things have been tough for you.... I just don't see where you've taken time on your own to think.

 

When will your divorce be finalised?

 

 

Not sure when the divorce will be finalized. We don't have a date yet. The legal separation was approved and the divorce was filed. We both have to attend parenting classes which we're both doing in January. After that I believe it's 60-120 days for our hearing to finalize the divorce.

 

Since I've sold the business I've focused a lot on myself professionally and physically. I just accepted a new job which I start at the beginning of January. I'm going back to sales so I will make a good living but it won't be an extremely stressful job which is what I need for the next year or so. I've been going to the gym daily and sometimes twice a day. (Gotta get lean for my cruise)

 

Mentally, I am getting help and talking to someone. A lot of my attention and loneliness issues arise from losing my mother when I was 10. It was something I never dealt with so I def. have some attachment issues. They explained this is why it was so hard for me to leave my wife even though I knew I had to. This is why I still look back and question my decision to leave her.

 

I'm very happy with my g/f. Yes, she doesn't understand the family dynamic I still have with my ex and I'm hoping slowly over time she will. She's afraid I'm going to go back to her and she's certainly intimidated by that and the fact that I still have to talk to her nearly every day makes it harder. When I say talk though, it's only thru Text. We don't talk over the phone or in person or anything like that.

 

My wife is clearly messing with my head though. She texts me constantly asking if I love my new g/f and why I did it and tells me how sad she is. I know people do things for only 4 reasons and attention is one of them which is my fault because I almost always reply back to her. If I just ignored these messages she would stop.

 

I can't describe how I feel because I haven't been this happy in a relationship in a long time. My g/f is awesome and we have a great time together. Obviously, being a relationship of only 6 month the future can be very uncertain. Although, my wife made a comment that since we've been living together for several months now it's more like we've been together for over a year. She hardly ever sees her b/f she said and they've been dating for about a month and a half. She said she on average sees him maybe once a week for a few hours so it can never be a serious relationship and they are arguing constantly right now which I'm guessing is why she's reaching out to me more and more?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm very happy with my g/f. Yes, she doesn't understand the family dynamic I still have with my ex and I'm hoping slowly over time she will.

 

Sad to say, I highly doubt this will happen.

[sandylee1]

 

Although, my wife made a comment that since we've been living together for several months now it's more like we've been together for over a year. She hardly ever sees her b/f she said and they've been dating for about a month and a half. She said she on average sees him maybe once a week for a few hours so it can never be a serious relationship and they are arguing constantly right now which I'm guessing is why she's reaching out to me more and more?

 

Your wife has a new boyfriend? I thought she split with the other guy.

[What-2-Do]

Your wife has a new boyfriend? I thought she split with the other guy.

 

This is the 2nd guy she’s been seeing now. The first one was never her bf but this one is

[What-2-Do]

I had a great weekend with my g/f up until an hour ago. We went away for the night last night at a really nice hotel and had a great Hibachi dinner and prob the best sexual experience ever. This morning was great as we were coming home and all is good.

 

She wanted to stop and do some X-Mas shopping so we did it close to home. Keep in mind because of my previous job owning a gym I always bump into people whenever I’m out. Anyways, we are out and I see a former friend and talk to them for maybe a minute. After that my gf made a comment that she didn’t want to know my friends or something along those lines.

 

Anyways, two minutes later we bump into my friends ex wife and she asks “how’s the family?” Needless to say this went over like a fart in church. My gf walked off and got into line. I finished talking to my friends ex for a few more min and when I got back in line I got nothing but attitude. The entire drive home she was being a bitch and she can’t accept the fact I had a life before her. I guess this will always be an issue and I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it.

 

If you’re going to be mad at me at least be mad at me for something I did or said not something outside of my control

[BaileyB]

It's always going to be an issue...

 

She is showing you that she lacks the maturity to deal with the situation because she is only 24 years old! You certainly have not helped the situation by continuing to talk to your ex-wife in ways that are inappropriate... Regardless, if you girlfriend continues to throw tantrums everytime your ex-wife or son come up in conversation... you have a problem, my friend.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I had a great weekend with my g/f up until an hour ago. We went away for the night last night at a really nice hotel and had a great Hibachi dinner and prob the best sexual experience ever. This morning was great as we were coming home and all is good.

 

She wanted to stop and do some X-Mas shopping so we did it close to home. Keep in mind because of my previous job owning a gym I always bump into people whenever I’m out. Anyways, we are out and I see a former friend and talk to them for maybe a minute. After that my gf made a comment that she didn’t want to know my friends or something along those lines.

 

Anyways, two minutes later we bump into my friends ex wife and she asks “how’s the family?” Needless to say this went over like a fart in church. My gf walked off and got into line. I finished talking to my friends ex for a few more min and when I got back in line I got nothing but attitude. The entire drive home she was being a bitch and she can’t accept the fact I had a life before her. I guess this will always be an issue and I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it.

 

If you’re going to be mad at me at least be mad at me for something I did or said not something outside of my control

 

Ai yi yi.

 

Great sex isn't everything, as you're finding out.

[What-2-Do]

Ai yi yi.

 

Great sex isn't everything, as you're finding out.

 

While all this is going on my ex is texting me. I’m just done with people right now

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

While all this is going on my ex is texting me. I’m just done with people right now

 

I don't blame you!

[elaine567]

Maybe it is youth and lack of maturity, but I have a feeling it is an innate jealousy and terriorialism that some people possess.

They cannot tolerate such "baggage" and thus should avoid relationships with people like yourself.

Many people dating a separated man with a child will be aware of his past life and thus will make allowances. They know the ex wife and child will always occupy a space in his life and as long as he makes space for his second "family" then all is fine. Such people will become good step parents and are accommodating to all and sundry.

Blended families and the like, they take in their stride.

 

Your gf I guess will accept nothing, she will not "get better" because as far as she is concerned, she actually wants your past life, your ex wife and even your son to disappear.

She is staking out her territory here and is in no mood to accept your past.

 

Some faced with this dilemma will cut off their old life and some will actually desert their children in favour of the new partner...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe it is youth and lack of maturity, but I have a feeling it is an innate jealousy and terriorialism that some people possess.

They cannot tolerate such "baggage" and thus should avoid relationships with people like yourself.

Many people dating a separated man with a child will be aware of his past life and thus will make allowances. They know the ex wife and child will always occupy a space in his life and as long as he makes space for his second "family" then all is fine. Such people will become good step parents and are accommodating to all and sundry.

Blended families and the like, they take in their stride.

 

Your gf I guess will accept nothing, she will not "get better" because as far as she is concerned, she actually wants your past life, your ex wife and even your son to disappear.

She is staking out her territory here and is in no mood to accept your past.

 

Some faced with this dilemma will cut off their old life and some will actually desert their children in favour of the new partner...

 

Excellent post.

 

W2D, I really think you're going to end up getting hurt by this woman....as in dumped. And all because she just isn't the right fit for your life. She's too young, not emotionally mature enough to want to deal with all that comes with being your girlfriend. She's likely still learning this about herself and won't get into a dating relationship with an older man who is a father in the future.

[BettyDraper]

I had a great weekend with my g/f up until an hour ago. We went away for the night last night at a really nice hotel and had a great Hibachi dinner and prob the best sexual experience ever. This morning was great as we were coming home and all is good.

 

She wanted to stop and do some X-Mas shopping so we did it close to home. Keep in mind because of my previous job owning a gym I always bump into people whenever I’m out. Anyways, we are out and I see a former friend and talk to them for maybe a minute. After that my gf made a comment that she didn’t want to know my friends or something along those lines.

 

Anyways, two minutes later we bump into my friends ex wife and she asks “how’s the family?” Needless to say this went over like a fart in church. My gf walked off and got into line. I finished talking to my friends ex for a few more min and when I got back in line I got nothing but attitude. The entire drive home she was being a bitch and she can’t accept the fact I had a life before her. I guess this will always be an issue and I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it.

 

If you’re going to be mad at me at least be mad at me for something I did or said not something outside of my control

 

W2D, I hope that you can finally see what we have been trying to tell you.

Time for a serious discussion with your girlfriend. She can't be serious about you or else she wouldn't make ridiculous demands such as not wanting to know your friends.

[What-2-Do]

I’m not going to lie I’m really frustrated right now. I came home and went into my apartment while my gf went upstairs in hers. I ended up going to the gym for a few hours to get away. Now, both my ex and my gf have been messaging me and I’m ready to tell them both to just leave me alone. My wife is giving my grief about everything but I said to her whenever I asked what she wanted she would avoid the question and never just be honest. My gf said her mother is pissed at her and it’s because of me.

 

I think it’s time to turn my phone off and just go to bed alone

[sandylee1]

Sorry you're having a hard time. It's not working out with your GF. You can't unknow the people you know and she just can't handle it....unless uoiu move to outer Mongolia with her... you'll continue to have these issues.

 

Time to bite the bullet and be on your own. You need to be there for your son....keep him as your top priority in all this. He needs a healthy dad.