Crying over my ex.... why?

[BettyDraper]

I’m not going to lie I’m really frustrated right now. I came home and went into my apartment while my gf went upstairs in hers. I ended up going to the gym for a few hours to get away. Now, both my ex and my gf have been messaging me and I’m ready to tell them both to just leave me alone. My wife is giving my grief about everything but I said to her whenever I asked what she wanted she would avoid the question and never just be honest. My gf said her mother is pissed at her and it’s because of me.

 

I think it’s time to turn my phone off and just go to bed alone

 

My opinion about leaving your girlfriend still stands. Why is she running to her mother with your relationship problems? This girl is not nearly as mature as you think she is. She sounds like a typical early twenties kid and that's part of the reason she isn't even attempting to understand your stage of life.

 

Most men prefer younger women so I don't blame you for that. I would suggest dating women in their 30s who already have children once you are ready for dating again.

 

What is your wife giving you grief about?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m not going to lie I’m really frustrated right now. I came home and went into my apartment while my gf went upstairs in hers. I ended up going to the gym for a few hours to get away. Now, both my ex and my gf have been messaging me and I’m ready to tell them both to just leave me alone. My wife is giving my grief about everything but I said to her whenever I asked what she wanted she would avoid the question and never just be honest. My gf said her mother is pissed at her and it’s because of me.

 

I think it’s time to turn my phone off and just go to bed alone

 

I don't think I realized you are neighbors. How'd that end up happening? Did you move in near her after leaving your wife?

 

How'd you make her mom mad??

[Gr8fuln2020]

My ex and I were together for 16 years. 13 of those years were mostly great and the last 3 were pretty terrible.

 

Fast forward, I was in a sexless marriage for a long time (although she did get sick) and I eventually cheated on her with a much younger woman. I ended up moving out right after and I've been with the younger woman for the past 5+ months. Things are mostly great with us.

 

My ex turned pretty crazy during this process which I don't blame her. Anyways, now she's started dating and I can't stop thinking about her. Last night I had a terrible dream about her and this morning I've literally been crying and wondering if I made a huge mistake.

 

Now, that we've been separated she's finally no longer sick, has lost a lot of weight (which is actually bad) and has been getting help for depression which she wouldn't do before.

 

I'm happy with my new g/f but the uncertainty of a future with her drives me crazy. My wife was the most loyal person I've ever met and now for some crazy ass reason I'm second guessing everything.

 

What the hell is wrong with me?????

 

Guilt my friend, guilt. You effed-up. Your wife did nothing wrong and she was punished b/c she got sick and you weren't fully there for her, instead, cheated.

[deadsoul]

I’m not going to lie I’m really frustrated right now. I came home and went into my apartment while my gf went upstairs in hers. I ended up going to the gym for a few hours to get away. Now, both my ex and my gf have been messaging me and I’m ready to tell them both to just leave me alone. My wife is giving my grief about everything but I said to her whenever I asked what she wanted she would avoid the question and never just be honest. My gf said her mother is pissed at her and it’s because of me.

 

I think it’s time to turn my phone off and just go to bed alone

 

Communication. You have to assert yourself and communicate in this new relationship or it doesn't stand a chance. Most of us who cheat are conflict avoiders (at least those of us posting on LS seem to be).

 

Talk to your gf about what you're feeling and let her know that your son (and ex-wife) are a package deal. You had a past life before her, either she accepts it or she doesn't. You have to assert yourself here. You seem to be afraid of losing her so you don't want to have this conversation.

 

You have to go into this relationship not being afraid of being alone.... not sure you're there yet, to be honest.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Communication. You have to assert yourself and communicate in this new relationship or it doesn't stand a chance. Most of us who cheat are conflict avoiders (at least those of us posting on LS seem to be).

 

Talk to your gf about what you're feeling and let her know that your son (and ex-wife) are a package deal. You had a past life before her, either she accepts it or she doesn't. You have to assert yourself here. You seem to be afraid of losing her so you don't want to have this conversation.

 

You have to go into this relationship not being afraid of being alone.... not sure you're there yet, to be honest.

 

I get this sense from him as well. This can't be "hoped" away. She's showing you who she is, so you should believe her.

[What-2-Do]

My opinion about leaving your girlfriend still stands. Why is she running to her mother with your relationship problems? This girl is not nearly as mature as you think she is. She sounds like a typical early twenties kid and that's part of the reason she isn't even attempting to understand your stage of life.

 

Most men prefer younger women so I don't blame you for that. I would suggest dating women in their 30s who already have children once you are ready for dating again.

 

What is your wife giving you grief about?

 

My g/f has a terrible relationship with her mother. Her mother is very self centered and is actually only 2 years older than I am. She tells her mother NOTHING about our relationship because her mother will just throw it back in her face. The issue is her mother has an issue with the age gap. Although, my g/f said if we were the same age she would just find another reason not to like me.

[What-2-Do]

I don't think I realized you are neighbors. How'd that end up happening? Did you move in near her after leaving your wife?

 

How'd you make her mom mad??

 

Yeah, I moved into the apartment below her. The only reason we didn't move in together was because of my son and I wasn't sure how he would handle things. We live together but we have 2 apartments essentially. Her lease is up April 1st so if we are together she's just going to move into my apartment.

 

Her mother is mad because of the age gap. Her mother is essentially a child and VERY self centered. I think the real issue is that she realizes I can see right thru her and see her faults for what they are and she knows I will stick up for myself. Her husband tried to intimidate me on Thanksgiving and that backfired on him. I'm not tall at only 5'8" but I'm 220lbs and maybe 10% body fat with cauliflower ear and I'm not easily intimidated so that didn't work.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, I moved into the apartment below her. The only reason we didn't move in together was because of my son and I wasn't sure how he would handle things. We live together but we have 2 apartments essentially. Her lease is up April 1st so if we are together she's just going to move into my apartment.

 

 

Holy smokes, W2D. Did you even know this woman at this time last year?? You moved WAY too fast. That would be too fast even for someone who wasn't already married, with a kid, having an affair.

[What-2-Do]

Communication. You have to assert yourself and communicate in this new relationship or it doesn't stand a chance. Most of us who cheat are conflict avoiders (at least those of us posting on LS seem to be).

 

Talk to your gf about what you're feeling and let her know that your son (and ex-wife) are a package deal. You had a past life before her, either she accepts it or she doesn't. You have to assert yourself here. You seem to be afraid of losing her so you don't want to have this conversation.

 

You have to go into this relationship not being afraid of being alone.... not sure you're there yet, to be honest.

 

So, last night was a crap-show. She wanted to come down as she was really sad and we ended up going out to dinner. Dinner was actually fine and we talked about a lot of the things she was upset about today. We actually made some progress. When we got home she wrapped some X-Mas presents and was showing me some scrapbooks from her childhood. All was good.

 

We decided to go downstairs and watch TV and this is where things went south. She started saying that she wasn't sure she could deal with the marriage thing blah blah blah. She found out I was still only my wife's health insurance which is the deal thru the divorce and she was adamant that I couldn't be. She was going on and on and I basically told her this was the last time I'm going back and forth with this. She needs to decide if she can or can't handle it because I'm not doing the yo yo b.s. any longer. I'm too old for this nonsense.

 

I told her how I felt about her and how her not being able to accept my past is going to destroy what we have. She said I was being insensitive to her feelings and I basically said she was doing the same in return. I told her I would leave her alone for a few days to figure things out. I haven't heard from her yet today and I won't message her either.

 

As for being alone right now I don't think it's a bad idea. Sucks to be alone at Christmas but in the long run might be the best thing for me. Sucks too because I booked a cruise for February and will be out a ton of money.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I moved into the apartment below her. The only reason we didn't move in together was because of my son and I wasn't sure how he would handle things. We live together but we have 2 apartments essentially. Her lease is up April 1st so if we are together she's just going to move into my apartment.

 

Holy smokes! My heart breaks for your son... This is WAY TOO FAST! How is your son going to cope with the fact that his father has moved out and is moving in with another woman so quickly. Unless you are prepared to put a ring on it and make this a forever relationship, your son should not be exposed to your girlfriend. And, it sounds like you are far from ready for this to be a forever relationship. This kind of stuff causes serious damage to a child... Again, he should be your first priority, not your girlfriend or your sex life.

[BaileyB]

Why are you going on a cruise when you are in the middle of a divorce, have had your cars repossessed, recently sold your business, and are starting a new job?

 

And, are you paying for your girlfriends cruise? I hope not, because I have no idea why you would be paying for her cruise when you have only been dating for a few months and you are in the middle of a divorce.

 

With all due respect, I don't know anybody in your situation would be cruising around the Caribbean with their new girlfriend.

Edited December 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[What-2-Do]

Why are you going on a cruise when you are in the middle of a divorce, have had your cars repossessed, recently sold your business, and are starting a new job?

 

And, are you paying for your girlfriends cruise? I hope not, because I have no idea why you would be paying for her cruise when you have only been dating for a few months and you are in the middle of a divorce.

 

With all due respect, I don't know anybody in your situation would be cruising around the Caribbean with their new girlfriend.

 

I understand that. I sold a ton of things from my business and personal life that netted me a lot of money. Also, with the sale of my business I have a guaranteed income for the next 40 months and starting my new job next month will net me a great living again. I know it isn't the smartest thing to be doing and I'm fully aware of that. The financial issues I had started early summer and after the sale of my business have subsided for the most part.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Holy smokes! My heart breaks for your son... This is WAY TOO FAST! How is your son going to cope with the fact that his father has moved out and is moving in with another woman so quickly. Unless you are prepared to put a ring on it and make this a forever relationship, your son should not be exposed to your girlfriend. And, it sounds like you are far from ready for this to be a forever relationship. This kind of stuff causes serious damage to a child... Again, he should be your first priority, not your girlfriend or your sex life.

 

Yes, this. A thousand times this .

[What-2-Do]

One of the reasons it's hard to leave my current g/f is def. the sexual aspect of things. My wife was great when we had sex but it was way too infrequent and always with parameters. It was nearly impossible to get oral sex from her and I was lucky to get it half assed a couple times a year. My current g/f it happens 100% of the time we have sex.

 

This weekend when we were away we went to the sex toy store and there was a coupon book for oral sex. She picked it up and said it disgusted her that guys really had to beg for it and have a coupon book in order to get something that should just come naturally.

 

Although, we've barely texted each other today I'm trying to figure out what to do and I can't base it off of sex. She apologized for being so mean last night but I know for a fact I can't keep rehashing this every few weeks. It's already getting old. We had such an amazing first half of our weekend and then because we bumped into some people from my past we fought the rest of it and have been talking about breaking up.

[elaine567]

One of the reasons it's hard to leave my current g/f is def. the sexual aspect of things. My wife was great when we had sex but it was way too infrequent and always with parameters. It was nearly impossible to get oral sex from her and I was lucky to get it half assed a couple times a year. My current g/f it happens 100% of the time we have sex.

 

This weekend when we were away we went to the sex toy store and there was a coupon book for oral sex. She picked it up and said it disgusted her that guys really had to beg for it and have a coupon book in order to get something that should just come naturally.

 

Although, we've barely texted each other today I'm trying to figure out what to do and I can't base it off of sex. She apologized for being so mean last night but I know for a fact I can't keep rehashing this every few weeks. It's already getting old. We had such an amazing first half of our weekend and then because we bumped into some people from my past we fought the rest of it and have been talking about breaking up.

 

What about your child?

Remember him?

The one who is going off the rails with a almost permanantly crying mother and a father totally wrapped up in sex with his gf...

Oodles on here about sex, sex and even more sex...

Do you actually think about anything else?

[BaileyB]

One of the reasons it's hard to leave my current g/f is def. the sexual aspect of things. My wife was great when we had sex but it was way too infrequent and always with parameters. It was nearly impossible to get oral sex from her and I was lucky to get it half assed a couple times a year. My current g/f it happens 100% of the time we have sex.

 

This weekend when we were away we went to the sex toy store and there was a coupon book for oral sex. She picked it up and said it disgusted her that guys really had to beg for it and have a coupon book in order to get something that should just come naturally.

 

Although, we've barely texted each other today I'm trying to figure out what to do and I can't base it off of sex. She apologized for being so mean last night but I know for a fact I can't keep rehashing this every few weeks. It's already getting old. We had such an amazing first half of our weekend and then because we bumped into some people from my past we fought the rest of it and have been talking about breaking up.

 

There are more important things in life than hot sex.

 

Sure, hot sex is great. Sex is definitely an important thing in a good relationship. But, not at the expense of your son's well being, your mental health and financial security. You will learn this...

[BettyDraper]

Yeah, I moved into the apartment below her. The only reason we didn't move in together was because of my son and I wasn't sure how he would handle things. We live together but we have 2 apartments essentially. Her lease is up April 1st so if we are together she's just going to move into my apartment.

 

Her mother is mad because of the age gap. Her mother is essentially a child and VERY self centered. I think the real issue is that she realizes I can see right thru her and see her faults for what they are and she knows I will stick up for myself. Her husband tried to intimidate me on Thanksgiving and that backfired on him. I'm not tall at only 5'8" but I'm 220lbs and maybe 10% body fat with cauliflower ear and I'm not easily intimidated so that didn't work.

 

W2D, you have mentioned your appearance more than once on several threads. We get it. You're an Adonis. I don't know why you feel compelled to bring that up all the time.

 

Did you ever consider that your girlfriend's parents may not like you because they know that you look down on them? To be honest, I doubt that any parent would be pleased with such a large age gap. In spite of her flaws, your girlfriend's mother is likely concerned about her young daughter taking on the baggage of a divorced older man.

 

Why don't you live on your own for a while and focus on your son? Do you think that seeing you live with another woman will be good for his fragile mental state? I don't understand why you can't be alone. Being a muscular man with cruciferous veggie ear won't change your emotional neediness.

[BaileyB]

I understand that. I sold a ton of things from my business and personal life that netted me a lot of money. Also, with the sale of my business I have a guaranteed income for the next 40 months and starting my new job next month will net me a great living again. I know it isn't the smartest thing to be doing and I'm fully aware of that. The financial issues I had started early summer and after the sale of my business have subsided for the most part.

 

I understand, but if you continue to make financially irresponsible decisions you will find yourself in the same position. You didn't answer my question about your girlfriend... I'm assuming that you paid for her cruise - which is something a husband does, not a boyfriend who you have known for a matter of months while he is in the middle of a divorce and dividing assets with his spouse.

 

W2T, I would respectfully suggest that your decision making as it relates to finances and relationships is impulsive, indecisive, and based on emotion - not necessarily sound reasoning and judgment.

[BettyDraper]

I understand, but if you continue to make financially irresponsible decisions you will find yourself in the same position. You didn't answer my question about your girlfriend... I'm assuming that you paid for her cruise - which is something a husband does, not a boyfriend who you have known for a matter of months while he is in the middle of a divorce and dividing assets with his spouse.

 

W2T, I would respectfully suggest that your decision making as it relates to finances and relationships is impulsive, indecisive, and based on emotion - not necessarily sound reasoning and judgment.

 

He's already been bankrupt. If W2D doesn't stop spending money recklessly, he's going to end up in the same position.

I'm guessing his girlfriend will be gone after that since their relationship is based on sex and expensive trips.

Rich or even just well off men spend money on girlfriends all the time.

[BaileyB]

One of the reasons it's hard to leave my current g/f is def. the sexual aspect of things. My wife was great when we had sex but it was way too infrequent and always with parameters. It was nearly impossible to get oral sex from her and I was lucky to get it half assed a couple times a year. My current g/f it happens 100% of the time we have sex.

 

This weekend when we were away we went to the sex toy store and there was a coupon book for oral sex. She picked it up and said it disgusted her that guys really had to beg for it and have a coupon book in order to get something that should just come naturally.

 

Although, we've barely texted each other today I'm trying to figure out what to do and I can't base it off of sex. She apologized for being so mean last night but I know for a fact I can't keep rehashing this every few weeks. It's already getting old. We had such an amazing first half of our weekend and then because we bumped into some people from my past we fought the rest of it and have been talking about breaking up.

 

It's the age old saying, but I feel like it is appropriate here. When making a decision about whether to stay with your girlfriend or break up, you should be sure to think with your big head, not your little head.

 

You are now doing the same thing with your girlfriend that you did for months/years with your wife... When the sex is plentiful and things are good, you are committed to the relationship. But, at the first sign of conflict, you are second guessing your relationship.

 

Which is actually fair enough, because you should be reconsidering the long term viability of the relationship when she shows you through her behavior that she is unable to deal with the fact that you have an ex-wife who will always be in your life because of your son... and the fact that your son will always come first, ahead of your relationship with your girlfriend. BUT, if you do the indecisive flip/flop thing again... You are going to make everyone crazy including yourself, your girlfriend, and most importantly... Your son.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One of the reasons it's hard to leave my current g/f is def. the sexual aspect of things. My wife was great when we had sex but it was way too infrequent and always with parameters. It was nearly impossible to get oral sex from her and I was lucky to get it half assed a couple times a year. My current g/f it happens 100% of the time we have sex.

 

This weekend when we were away we went to the sex toy store and there was a coupon book for oral sex. She picked it up and said it disgusted her that guys really had to beg for it and have a coupon book in order to get something that should just come naturally.

 

Although, we've barely texted each other today I'm trying to figure out what to do and I can't base it off of sex. She apologized for being so mean last night but I know for a fact I can't keep rehashing this every few weeks. It's already getting old. We had such an amazing first half of our weekend and then because we bumped into some people from my past we fought the rest of it and have been talking about breaking up.

 

And still no mention of your son and what is best for him.

 

You are totally solidifying the view that some women have of men....that nothing else is important other than a good body and good sex. If that's you, OK then, but try not to let your son fall by the wayside . He needs a dad.

 

P.S. Did your wife give you oral sex when you were dating, too?

[deadsoul]

Re: OP not mentioning his son

 

No, he's not mentioning his son. That's for the parenting board. Just because he isn't mentioning his son, doesn't mean he's not thinking about him and his needs. If IRL, he's putting his girlfriend before his son then that's a different story. He did mention his son having behavior issues, but the best we can do here is suggest counseling. We can't automatically assume that OP's actions are causing his son's behaviors.

 

Also, why the focus on OP's looks? I got the feeling he was mentioning his height and weight to show that he's intimidating. I don't know what cauliflower ear is, something I'll have to google.

 

OP, I've given my advice, take it or leave it... I just have one more thing to mention: people come on here and seem to project their own issues on to other people and you have to take it all with a grain of salt.

 

I guess I did the same because all these posts about not mentioning your kid struck a nerve with me. I didn't mention my kids in my thread, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them.

 

But my other observation is that you seem to be taking some heat and you keep coming back for more. Maybe it doesn't bother you? Maybe you think you deserve it?

 

Finally, my last observation is... one of my big "a-ha" moments is that it was so easy to focus on my spouse's short-comings and faults, rather than all the things he does good. If anyone has a perfect relationship and is the perfect mate, fantastic. But in your case, I can't help but wonder if you became so focused on the sexual aspect missing from your marriage that when you found it with someone else, you thought all the other pieces would fall into place. Only they don't seem to be doing that.

 

So maybe this girl isn't your future and that's okay. You don't need to be serious and you are still sorting out your previous relationship. There's no need to rush anything at this point. Just have wild monkey sex with her and be happy with that.

[sandylee1]

So your putting up with the nonsense because of BJs..... Very sad indeed.

 

If I was her mum ...I'd be annoyed about the relationship because of the age gap too. I'd want my daughter with a man closer to her age

..without the baggage of a child and an Ex.

 

It would be different if my daughter was 40 and single.. then she can take on a man with kids and an Ex... but at 25..she has her pick if men.

 

You guys looking at moving in together in April is too soon. You are not thinking of your son...just about the mind blowing sex.... seriously...it's disappointing.

 

Your son heard his mum crying at night... yet alina ypu csn think of is shacking up with the woman you cheated with and receiving enthusiastic oral.

 

I can see which head you're thinking with.

 

It's not really my style to come down hard on posters...but in my line of work, I see far too often the effects of an unstable childhood on adults in later life.

 

I'll cut you a tiny bit of slack...because I can generally get anything I want from my husband after a BJ...but you have a lot at stake with your son.

 

As an aside.....I thought you were taller than 5 ft 8 for some reason.

Edited December 19, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[elaine567]

My g/f has a terrible relationship with her mother. Her mother is very self centered and is actually only 2 years older than I am. She tells her mother NOTHING about our relationship because her mother will just throw it back in her face. The issue is her mother has an issue with the age gap. Although, my g/f said if we were the same age she would just find another reason not to like me.

 

YOU may put it all down to her mother's "self-centredness", but if you had a 25yo daughter what would you say...?

I very much doubt that this scenario is the dream situation you would want for your daughter or your son for that matter...

Parents tend to want their children, both boys and girls to have a trouble free existence, getting involved with all the "baggage" that you bring, at only 25 is usually a big no-no as far as they are concerned.

 

I guess your gf also knows how mixed up this all is and it may be another reason why she is so determined to obliterate your past as if it never existed.

No matter how "bad" the mother/daughter relationship may seem, most daughters at some level want to please their parents and want their approval.

Your gf may think that once you are "clean" from your baggage, you may be seen as more "acceptable" not only to her parents, family and friends, but to herself too...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

YOU may put it all down to her mother's "self-centredness", but if you had a 25yo daughter what would you say...?

I very much doubt that this scenario is the dream situation you would want for your daughter or your son for that matter...

Parents tend to want their children, both boys and girls to have a trouble free existence, getting involved with all the "baggage" that you bring, at only 25 is usually a big no-no as far as they are concerned.

 

I guess your gf also knows how mixed up this all is and it may be another reason why she is so determined to obliterate your past as if it never existed.

No matter how "bad" the mother/daughter relationship may seem, most daughters at some level want to please their parents and want their approval.

Your gf may think that once you are "clean" from your baggage, you may be seen as more "acceptable" not only to her parents, family and friends, but to herself too...

 

I think you're on to something.

 

I would not want my 25 year old daughter dating a man in his forties, who she met as his mistress, who isn't even divorced yet and has a child. I would want her to be with someone she could build a life with without so much drama. Someone she could have a child with, and who would be enthusiastic about doing so with her.