Reached the end of sanity. Hurt in marriage and in affair

[Hurtinlove]

I've been lurking on the forums for almost a year now and have finally mustered the courage to post here. Over the past year, I have learnt so much through these forums and they have been invaluable in my recovery from this extremely gut wrenching affair. Please bear with me on this LONG story. And thanks for listening if you made it all the way to the end of post

 

I'm married woman for 15 years and have two wonderful boys. MM and his wife are my husband's friends originally and I’ve known them for 15 years. We were all family friends over the years. Both families shared good and bad over the years, births, joyous occasions, sickness and deaths. I never liked MM, always thought he was very mean and disrespectful to his family.

 

My marriage has been hard. DH and I are incompatible and very different personalities, I've realized 3 months into the marriage, and we are not good for each other. I worked very hard to give this marriage a chance. We both from extremely strict and conservative Asian culture and divorce is not an option, My family would prefer I die rather than hear I divorced. DH is emotionally unavailable, very reclusive, reserved, unsocial, lacks emotions, withdrawn. I barely know this man even though I'm married for a long time. He never speaks much or I could never figure out what he thinks or wants. From what I understand, All he wanted from the marriage was a social status I suppose. He has difficulty bonding with others and comes across as very rude, mean and aggressive. He is a good man (now that I compare him to MM) , but not loving or caring partner. His image of a husband is to be able to provide for family, go to work and come back home to eat and sleep (I don't blame him, where I am from, this is very common). The lack of love, emotional support and affection really impacted every area of my life. Because I believe in love and waiting with baited breath for the day when my marriage would be how it is supposed to be. In this marriage, we sleep in different rooms, we only communicate about kids, pick up, drop offs, bills to be paid, kids activities, family issues etc. We never hug or kiss or give eye contact. The only time he touches me is if I ever get horny and let him next to me, it is to have sex with me. To me it feels like rape to be honest. I just endure it and just count numbers till he gets off me. And this sex happens once or twice a year. Even writing it down makes me nauseous and makes me wonder why I can’t get out of this marriage and just live alone.

 

 

I am extremely expressive, need love and affection just like all of us. I struggled for years, put on gigantic amounts of weight from the stress of living this marriage and eventually we added 2 kids to the mess. But I was always willing to fight for the marriage, I always believed in it's potential, waiting for the good day when things would smoothen out. I had been to several therapists, popping anti-depressant pills,Marriage counselors and nothing came out of it. Just more agony

 

Back to the affair. Added to this stressful life and marriage. Few years ago, my dear brother had passed away suddenly due to a cardiac arrest. It was a huge blow to me. It made me question life and its purpose. I was very attached to my brother. I could not process his death, we live across the globe from my parents and I had to carry on with work, life and marriage. I was struggling with brother’s death and my husband was getting more aggressive and distant than before. So I was leaning on MM’s family for some sanity. She was mostly unavailable for me throughout the friendships but I took whatever sanity I could get from her (but that is for another day). DH and I barely had any friends in the area because my DH would reject anyone who wanted to be our friends . So, I had to cut down on social circle and the only family I could rely on was MM’s. Just as many occasions before, I went over to MM house to spend time with his wife. Little did I know she was out of town that weekend (we are used to showing up at each other's houses unannounced, we had that liberty). So, I started talking to him 1:1 (which I NEVER did once before in all these years). I didn’t think much of it. Because to me he and his wife were one unit and so, I confided how my brother's loss impacted me and how I was questioning if the marriage is still worth it and how i wanted to find a higher purpose in my life. That's when MM mentioned he really knows how it feels because he had lost his brother a decade ago and he also knows how it is to live with a cold partner who has no interest in being present in the marriage but just does it for society sake. One thing led to another and he started texting me, calling me morning, evening, nights next few weeks and we spent hours discussing our broken marriages. Not once did I in my wildest dreams guess this would lead to a friendship and an AFFAIR!!! No way no how, if you had asked me back then! We connected and I felt so alive in the longest time and he started asking me out. I didn’t think much of it, I kept postponing and one day I said yes and we met for lunch. Even then I didn’t realize what was happening honestly. That I was falling for him and he has become my primary relation and source of support. It just happened so organically and we eventually started seeing each other for lunches, dinners on a daily basis.

 

 

 

MM kept saying his marriage is dead, his wife is as good as dead and he just cannot wait to leave her. How cruel she is and how lacking she is. Red flags now, but didn't think so then. And he pursued me relentlessly and I was so naive, I bought into the story. Because I myself was living the same marriage and I thought it is quite possible he is too (I knew them for ages and I knew the wife was cold natured)

 

 

 

And one day a full blown EA/PA started. It was very intense!! I was in LOVE for the first time. I started losing weight for the first time, started feeling good about myself, started wearing good clothes, I started smiling for the first time in my life. I felt a purpose for my life. I experienced being cared for and being in love and realized this is how a man and woman should be! I figured my marriage is a total fake. My friends started complimenting me how happy I looked. All was going fine. I really truly loved him like never before. I put my family aside to make time for him, make him happy and gave my every minute and every thought and literally kissed the ground he walked on.

 

 

 

Out of the blue 3 months into it, he proposed and said he wanted to marry me. I laughed it off. Because I had no idea then that I had already gotten myself into a deep mess and was attached to him like never before. But I didn't know it then. To tell you how intensely I wanted this man to be my life- Once I had left my 2 year old who had flu at home with sitter so I could be with him. Now thinking back, I am shell shocked I even did that. I was so carried away and obsessed with him. And he took full advantage of the fact I had a broken marriage and the closeness I had with him as a family friend!!

 

 

 

Cut to D-Day, 7 months into the intense affair, MM's wife started intercepting the texts and all hell broke loose! She called my husband and told him what was going on. My DH didn't believe his ears but didn't utter a word. All he ever asked me was if this was true. I said yes. And my DH started seeing a therapist to see why he had difficulty bonding with anyone and started finding out his life's purpose. After 13 long years of holding back his love and zero heartfelt conversations, I did not think we could ever bond or form a connection. But my respect for DH increased because I expected him to physically assault me and throw me out of the house that winter night (he had previously abused me physically and I had called the cops on him few times). But DH suddenly started trying to understand me and make an effort. I was too deep in the affair to care what DH wants now. I wish he would have woken up to the fact that I was so lonely in the marriage all along. He should have made and effort BEFORE the affair!

 

In the meanwhile, The MM who professed his undying love for me, who was begging me to marry him, who would dump his wife if she ever found out, who would come stand by my side if things ever got messy, the same man- Disappeared!!!! Blocked me on cell, stopped responding to me. I could not handle it, nothing made sense. Yes, I WAS foolish and naive and hopelessly in love with another woman's man (the thought did not occur until D-Day, that he was someone else’s. We were technically single as far as we were concerned till then) and I had given this man everything a wife would ever give her husband. Love, care, affection, love making and pretty much BJs and everything I never ever thought were possible physically from me. I cooked for him, I loved him like my child like my own family member. I never withheld myself and gave everything I had in me to MM.

 

The sudden throwing me under the bus and his sudden disappearance was by far the hardest thing I ever had to endure in my entire life, it paled in comparison to my brother's death. When MM cut me out, I started having nightmares about my brother, the horrible feeling of loss, abandonment started resurfacing. This was a major topic MM and I discussed constantly about how I was never able to handle abandonment, loss of loved ones and knowing all my scars, he still chose to abandon me! I could not breathe, I was paralyzed with fear, I had no idea how to even live a minute without his support. 3 months after this back and forth, I eventually walked into his home and demanded he talk to me.

 

And now begins the fun part Mother of all shocks, mother of all hurts. Of course, he hid behind his wife, denied the affair, said I was lonely woman obsessed with him. And guess what!! she was doing the talking for him. I broke the news to her about the full blown affair. I was devastated that I had to prove the affair. I wanted the torture to end right that moment. I was wanting a solution, a respite from the pain. I thought the man would walk out with me finally after his wife finding out. But NOPE. None of that happened.

 

 

 

The wife told me they were doing great as a couple, great in the bedroom and she has no idea where this particular affair is coming from. She was in tears and was apologizing that the husband had played me into the affair and she begged me to stop pursuing him and to leave them alone. She said I have a beautiful family and dutiful husband and to refocus on my family.

 

 

 

She mentioned things like he had been asking her to do new things in bedroom and that it now made sense to her where that was coming from. She told me he got her flowers every week and they were just doing great! My heart BROKE into a million pieces. It was so hard hearing those words from her mouth, For the first time I understood, he was a liar and cheater and just like every other man who wants a side piece. I was royally played into it. Through out the hour I was at their house on D-day, he didn't utter a word, His wife did all the talking. He eventually told me we have no future and to move on and leave them alone. He said he cannot talk to me anymore after I chose to hurt his wife!!! (Excuse me, he was careless and let the texts be seen and HIS wife called my husband first, I gave him 3 months to talk to me after that and he left me with no choice yet he says I HURT HIS WIFE?) I went back home that evening with a raw wound and my heart ripped open! I never recovered. A huge part of me died that day.

 

3 months went by with NC. I was hurt, livid and indignant and lost in marriage and love. I was considering suicide because I went against my ethics and ideals and my family values to open up to a man who pretty much ripped my heart out and threw it in the dustbin. Now came all the insults, common friends asking why the families aren't together, my parents/sisters asking me where MM's family is these days. My life turned upside down in a moment like that.

 

3 months after NC, I started emailing, texting and begging him to talk to me, help me give a closure, help me understand where this all went wrong. How and what I had done to him for him to discard me such a cruel way, He eventually started talking and LC continued for a year later. He would talk normally with love and affection, but we never made love after, it was meeting for lunch, or sitting in the car and talking (And I never recovered from the D-Day and his completely different shade coming out that day, I could never trust him ever again). And to confirm my suspicions, During these times, I learnt from him he had a few OW before me, his wife sort of knew and she didn't mind it as long as she doesn't know about it. MM even said his wife asked him to go out with anyone he wants as long as he doesn’t bother her at home for sex!!! He explained that he thought that is how our affair would be too, but he still couldn't understand why his wife reacted such way and demanded exclusivity from him when she found out this time I was the OW.Wow, just WOW. And here I am thinking what we had was so special that I let my values go to be with the LOVE of my life!

 

 

A year passed, It was hell for me. Having crumbs from him at his convenience but I took it because I had no idea how to be strong for myself or how to get out of the pain. D-day 2 comes by, his wife again intercepted our texts yet again and this time she threatened to file divorce. AND he ended contact.

 

 

 

And what an awful timing. During the same time, I was diagnosed with cancer and was going through treatments and surgery and he took full advantage of my health issue and disappeared. I was hurting like hell inside considering the fact that he knew I was going through very rough health issues, yet he chose to dump me. The last time we talked was before I went into surgery. He has disappeared since. That is the first time ever I started thinking for myself. Do I need someone like this in my life, who walks away when you're going through cancer? Does he even care a foot about me, I am alive or dead? Forget affair or anything. I would never do that to a stranger who is sick not to mention a family friend and someone I love!

 

 

 

I accepted the end this time. I chose to get stronger for myself regardless of marriage, kids or MM. I accepted that I am a deeply troubled woman who has codependency issues, mental health issues. Plus cancer and I need to survive for my kids. Yes, I never brought up my kids before in this long winded rant. I have 2 wonderful and bright boys. I want to live for them. In whatever shape or form. I wanted to teach the life skills so they don't need to depend on cruel people or emotional support. I wanted to teach them to be independent and self-sufficient and not assume love is a solution and purpose to life, like I always believed. I want to be there for my boys and help them reach their full potential.

 

It's been painful and worst 9 months since NC. Each second is very hard and painful. Some days all I have done is just stare at the walls and do nothing. My boys and husband notice me being unavailable emotionally. Work is taking a big hit and big tank in my productivity. But it is a process and I must do this now. I committed myself to understanding my issues and never to ask a man for support again. Be it my husband, kids or anyone else. I need to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I don't know how, but I must. Some days are so hard, all i want to do is text MM and beg him to be back. But I am better than that. I don't need a callous individual who views me as a sex object, a side piece to be used when he is free.

 

 

 

Latest I know is, he is seeing someone else. He was completely offline since the second D-Day but for past 2 months, he has been back online 24/7. I know he is not much of a texting/cell phone person before and he would only be online for me. But now he is online 24/7 and I know he is seeing a new OW. I know who it is, I see it on his social media. It really hurts and questions my judgment and mental capabilities, but I am trying not to impact me. I won’t lie, it really rips me apart. If he is seeing someone again, why cannot it be ME? Why another woman? How could someone just play you during your most vulnerable moments and take everything you have and deplete you and never look back again??? Does this man have no guilt, feelings, or concern for another human???? I cry for hours and hours at this huge loss of friendship with their family and MM. But I have no choice.

 

 

 

 

All the red flags suddenly start to come back to me and I wonder how I missed them??? What is wrong with me? I am fully functioning adult , working a high profile job, from a good family, married to a good man, with 2 kids and a social status and how the hell did I fall so low and get sucked into this promise of eternal love so blindly? I disgust myself!

 

 

 

How did I miss these red flags ???? How he would pursue me day in and day out, how he would beg me to have threesome with his wife, how he so callously gave me morning after pill after sex first time and many times later (now it makes sense, he is used to this, he had given morning after pill to many other women before), how he would try to show me his wife and his sex tapes, how he would play victim to a cold wife, how he would tell me stories about how pathetic his life is and how I bring sunshine, how he would disappear suddenly for a couple of days and I know he wasn't home- that's because he was also seeing someone else. How I pretty much overlooked every freaking red flag because I was so consumed by my love for him and consumed by trying to make his pain mine!

 

 

 

I have lot of questions that need to be answered. Why I am attracted to broken people, flawed people, why I put myself last and put others needs in front of mine? Why I want to fix others and derive fulfillment from it, why i give so much only to realize it is very unhealthy and no one gives so much to others, it is abnormal. Why don't I have self preservation nature?

 

 

 

 

 

MM is on my mind 24/7 , it is killing me, I am rotting from inside, how do I help myself? I do not want to be married but I don’t know how to end the marriage without hurting my boys and families. Some days I just want to go back to MM because that pain is much easier than the pain of addressing the real issues in this broken marriage and myself. Why is my DH barely available and is still unable to work on anything in the marriage? He is a great dad to my kids but that's about it. He is more like a spectator in the marriage and I feel like he is clueless about what a woman wants. The only time he talks is to argue and fight and the fights are getting worse and unbearable and my older son is now beginning to understand something is wrong with his parents. He is acting out at school and this whole family is a train wreck and I do not know how to fix anything. I am so lost. I told my DH we need to start seeing a good family therapist.

 

 

 

I need to understand how to fix this mess and raise my boys to be good people. That is all I really want.. How do I bring sanity into my life? Thank you for listening if you made it past all this. I just need to end this affair aftermath pain and I want a lobotomy that removes the affair/MM memory from my brain. I want my peace back!

[BaileyB]

I'm definitely not the person to offer advice, having never felt stuck in an unhappy marriage or had an affair. But, I just wanted to say that your story made my heart hurt. I'm glad that you found the courage to write and I would encourage you to continue writing... There is support here for you and perhaps, through your writing you will find more clarity. Best wishes.

[jah526]

I second Bailey. I could feel the anguish in your post. The MM I got involved with also took advantage when I was at a very vulnerable spot in my life. My mother, who was everything to me, was dying slowly and painfully, and there was nothing I could do to help. The night before I was to go be with her he came to my place and basically sexually assaulted me.

 

I think what we are struggling with is cognitive dissonance. It is hard for us to process something so incongruous. Here was someone you gave your heart to and you thought he felt the same. Then he throws you under the bus. In my case, I had someone I thought was a good friend who cared, who assaulted me when I needed a friend the most.

 

Both of us are "women who love too much". But I don't really believe that. I believe we are just a little too careless with this powerful emotion, and we only need to rein it in a bit and be choosier with who we give this gift to.

 

Also, I think these men provide us with a distraction from dealing with painful truths in our own lives. I will tell you one thing - there are many good people on this forum. There are many good people out there in general. Maybe this painful lesson has been to teach us to seek those people out and distance ourselves from the rest.

[Hurtinlove]

I'm definitely not the person to offer advice, having never felt stuck in an unhappy marriage or had an affair. But, I just wanted to say that your story made my heart hurt. I'm glad that you found the courage to write and I would encourage you to continue writing... There is support here for you and perhaps, through your writing you will find more clarity. Best wishes.

 

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I'm starting to maintain a journal and hopefully I'll see the progress as I move forward.

[londonlondon]

I also belong to a strict culture (Asian) and I can totally understand your situation.

 

I have gone through the exact same suicidal thoughts and life without your AP is just unbearable. I know how you are feeling about your MM that he is the one for you and you will never be able to find that true love again in your life.

 

Please you don’t keep holding on to this affair with MM, it is totally toxic and destructive. I think you had a fantasy that your affair with MM would work out eventually.

 

I beg you to cut off all contact with him, your only option is NC.

[Hurtinlove]

I second Bailey. I could feel the anguish in your post. The MM I got involved with also took advantage when I was at a very vulnerable spot in my life. My mother, who was everything to me, was dying slowly and painfully, and there was nothing I could do to help. The night before I was to go be with her he came to my place and basically sexually assaulted me.

 

I think what we are struggling with is cognitive dissonance. It is hard for us to process something so incongruous. Here was someone you gave your heart to and you thought he felt the same. Then he throws you under the bus. In my case, I had someone I thought was a good friend who cared, who assaulted me when I needed a friend the most.

 

Both of us are "women who love too much". But I don't really believe that. I believe we are just a little too careless with this powerful emotion, and we only need to rein it in a bit and be choosier with who we give this gift to.

 

Also, I think these men provide us with a distraction from dealing with painful truths in our own lives. I will tell you one thing - there are many good people on this forum. There are many good people out there in general. Maybe this painful lesson has been to teach us to seek those people out and distance ourselves from the rest.

 

You're right. I've been careless with who I allow in my inner circle and I'm paying dearly for it. Sorry you had MM assault you during a very tough time. And sorry for your loss. No idea what these men think. Or do they even think? When I met my MM the day before surgery, I wanted to draw comfort and courage from him yet, he had pretty pressured me for a BJ! So disgusting that there I'm standing in front of him during a tough phase with surgery looming and all he can see is sex. That was a key moment for me in discovering how unhealthy he was for me. I didn't mind him letting me go after that last encounter. Even for someone so thick like me, I could sense love doesn't look like this.

 

Will read up about cognitive dissonance and your kind words mean a lot to me.

[nugget_718]

Reading your post is heart breaking. I too am Asian and comes from a Catholic upbringing so you could imagine my conservative background. But even that didn't stop me from divorcing my ex-H as soon as I realized that I am not happy with my marriage and I do have a choice. Please be strong, if not for anything else, at least for your two dear boys who will need their mother's guidance as they traverse this chaotic world we live in.

 

As for you resorting in having an A, I kind of get how that happened. We are all looking for some kind of attention and validation, that we are loved, whether that be from a family member, a friend or a significant other. And when we feel that we're getting it from that someone, we hold on to that. Albeit that someone is totally wrong for us. Or that someone is a lying, cheating, using, ba$tard who will readily throw us under the bus when push comes to shove. But guess what, it is not too late to get out of that situation. You are loved; you have two boys who love you and hopefully a family and circle of friends who can support you.

[S2B]

You want your peace back?

 

Then stop handing your MM all YOUR power!

 

You've placed all of YOUR power into the hands of a lying, sneaky cheater!

 

Reconnect with your H - who is now making effort to understand you! Reconnect with your family!

 

The relationship you spend time and energy on is the one that grows - so focus ONLY on the family/marriage.

 

This is up to YOU to do this...not anyone else.

 

Have you owned what you did? Admitted the cheating to your H and apologized? What have you done to set things right for your husband?

[jah526]

No idea what these men think. Or do they even think? When I met my MM the day before surgery, I wanted to draw comfort and courage from him yet, he had pretty pressured me for a BJ! So disgusting that there I'm standing in front of him during a tough phase with surgery looming and all he can see is sex.

 

Yes, they think. They think about what is best for THEM.

 

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me. Mine asked about that every time, even when I told him I didn't want to do that. I think it is one of the main reasons they seek out affairs, because it's something their wives don't want to do. I read somewhere that if that's all a guy wants he really isn't into you. And I believe that for a couple of reasons - it doesn't involve him giving you any pleasure, and it doesn't matter who it comes from, it's still going to feel good.

[ice3784]

I am also a victim of a cruel man. until today i am still fighting the battle. MM will not let us go easily. As long as he knows we had feeling for him, he will continue to use us. I had tried multiple attempt to leave. When he sees chances are high that i might successfully leave him, he threaten me using my nude pictures. Then after things slow down, the tears the fight and argument, he will play sweet and caring. And i fall back into the cycle and become his women waiting for him to come as he wishes. They are using us. never he care how is your feeling. His needs, his feelings are his priority. They will replace us once they found someone who can give them higher excitement, more love and come back once they felt like they might need to have an old connection. i was being hurt so much that i cant even cried thinking how hurt i was anymore. he still knock on my door and text me, trying to break the walls that i have build to keep him away. i sometimes blame God, where is his Karma, why put me in this pain for so long, i mean, i know i was the OW so i deserve this punishment but where is his ?

[ice3784]

I also belong to a strict culture (Asian) and I can totally understand your situation.

 

I have gone through the exact same suicidal thoughts and life without your AP is just unbearable. I know how you are feeling about your MM that he is the one for you and you will never be able to find that true love again in your life.

 

Please you don’t keep holding on to this affair with MM, it is totally toxic and destructive. I think you had a fantasy that your affair with MM would work out eventually.

 

I beg you to cut off all contact with him, your only option is NC.

i think all of us have the thought, one day all this will work, we will be together happily. i even imagine us having our wedding and getting the blessing from both sides of family and friends, as we share the same colleagues from where we worked before...i was so naive...until i realize i was just one among those in his list...

[jah526]

i sometimes blame God, where is his Karma, why put me in this pain for so long, i mean, i know i was the OW so i deserve this punishment but where is his ?

 

Hi ice,

 

I hope you are doing ok. I feel the same way too. It's like these guys can get away with anything with no repercussions.

 

But maybe you can try to think of it this way. People who are narcissists and sociopaths really can't feel anything. They don't feel pain or fear, but you know what? They also can't feel the good things - joy and love and happiness, the satisfaction that comes from giving and being kind. Isn't that a punishment in itself? I mean a lifelong punishment. They are so empty and bored that all they can do is try to chase the next high, for some temporary relief. Would you want to live that way?

 

Our pain is temporary, we will get over it in time. Their emptiness is permanent, and incurable.

[DKT3]

Are you really confused about why your husband isn't invested in the marriage? I mean, you basically said you gave up three months into the marriage. Then, once he started to attempt to connect, you got back involved with MM.

 

The affair part is par for the course. You ask why you didn't see the red flags? You had him on a pedestal, you made him into what you wanted him to be. That is easy to do when you don't have to deal with a person on a day to day real life situation. 99% of the time affair partners spend with one another is focused on one another. Thus the affair bubble, once the real world touches it your blinders fell off and you finally started to see him for what he really is, only now you stuggled to reconcile the real him with the him you invented. So confusion is rampant.

 

I do find it a bit odd that you grab hold of cultural restrictions to deny divorce, but not when it comes to the affair.

[Doublegold]

"I am also a victim of a cruel man. until today i am still fighting the battle. MM will not let us go easily. As long as he knows we had feeling for him, he will continue to use us. I had tried multiple attempt to leave. When he sees chances are high that i might successfully leave him, he threaten me using my nude pictures. "

 

Sounds like revenge porn, known as NCP, non-consensual porn--which opens him up to being sued. NCP violates all kinds of laws, even in states without statutes specifically targeting it.

 

He doesn't sound very bright so tell him that he if ever threatens you again he is subjecting himself to criminal and civil liabilities. Then block him and walk away knowing the only power he has over you is what you allow.

 

This is a sick and twisted man. Run.

[Hurtinlove]

Are you really confused about why your husband isn't invested in the marriage? I mean, you basically said you gave up three months into the marriage. Then, once he started to attempt to connect, you got back involved with MM.

 

The affair part is par for the course. You ask why you didn't see the red flags? You had him on a pedestal, you made him into what you wanted him to be. That is easy to do when you don't have to deal with a person on a day to day real life situation. 99% of the time affair partners spend with one another is focused on one another. Thus the affair bubble, once the real world touches it your blinders fell off and you finally started to see him for what he really is, only now you stuggled to reconcile the real him with the him you invented. So confusion is rampant.

 

I do find it a bit odd that you grab hold of cultural restrictions to deny divorce, but not when it comes to the affair.

 

For me marriage/divorce has always been a family affair. I believe you marry into a family though who you marry into is a personal choice. If you ever knew anyone having an arranged marriage and have seen how they go through about it and see first hand all the challenges and family pressures and expectations it comes with, it would all make more sense . MM is from same culture and he had an arranged marriage too and it's not a surprise why he did what he did either to think about it.

 

You make it sound like having an affair involves planning and vetting out people. And having an affair is with family approval . For me, It happened before I realized it and never in my dreams I thought about affairs . They were never on my radar. Considering I've been in a bad marriage for so long, and I've had guys show interest in me, I never even reciprocated even. The only reason the affair happened is because the MM was a family friend and we had a long history on par with the history I have with my husband. That trust I put in the MM owing to him bring almost family, is what got me into trouble.

 

You raise a valid point. I'm not saying I didn't divorce for cultural reaons. If you ever grew up in families where there is not a single divorce in as many generations as you can go back to, may be you would understand it better how you're raised plays into this.

 

I looked at the affair as a personal choice when I figured I was deep into it. Of course it was foolish in hindsight . Just as marriages impact all families involved, I now know affairs impact all families too. I'm not using any excuses or justifying what I did. Merely talking out loud. There is lot more of the story than I let out . A history of abuse, resentment and lack or interest on DH part over the years but I never thought divorce was the answer. Don't like to bad mouth the DH and bring back all those buried terrible stories of my marriage because since I had the affair and cancer , DH did show me what he is made or, he is a rock if strength to me.

 

I'm NC. But sometimes do wonder if leaving the marriage will make DH and I both the opportunity to be who we are. I don't know the answers and I'm in no way perfect. There was no logic involved in my affair, it was purely a need for company and some validation . But what you said us food for thought . I have more layers to peel in understanding why I am where I am today. But I can say 200% confidence I did everything I can for the marriage and it's the DH who threw it away.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Hurtinlove

[Hurtinlove]

You want your peace back?

 

Then stop handing your MM all YOUR power!

 

You've placed all of YOUR power into the hands of a lying, sneaky cheater!

 

Reconnect with your H - who is now making effort to understand you! Reconnect with your family!

 

The relationship you spend time and energy on is the one that grows - so focus ONLY on the family/marriage.

 

This is up to YOU to do this...not anyone else.

 

Have you owned what you did? Admitted the cheating to your H and apologized? What have you done to set things right for your husband?

 

I'm using phone to respond, so apologize for typos etc.

 

Yes, I've admitted the affair and it's root cause to DH and have accepted my part. He also understands how all this played out and his part in it. However , our marriage is in a stalemate since forever and now we both need to figure out how to salvage what's left of it. And do it gracefully. DH and I have agreed to see a good marriage counselor and lay out everything on the table. It has gone too long with inaction which hurt us deeply. About time we decide one way or another. I also acknowledge, I have deep unresolved childhood issues, self esteem issues combined with bi-polar issues and DH agrees he is probably on the autistic spectrum and also has deep rooted up bringing issues that he never addressed . Just that everything is so challenging and we just don't know the right way to go about things. Just too complicated at this point . And to thr mix, I waver between marriage and MM a lot when my days get tough. Eeeks.

 

I want DH and I to do things for the right reasons. I think our hearts are in the right place, just the execution of it is all muffled. And I don't want DH to make an effort as a response to me having an affair. It won't be long lasting and eventually the cracks will reappear in the marriage . I want for us to figure out if we are the right people for each other or not and then base everything else on it.

 

And if we do decide to split , the fall out will be very ugly for kids, families and including us. We will be the first divorce on both sides, that's a lot of shoulder. But I'm ready for it. And no, it's not because I'll chase the MM if I divorce . The affair ran its course and it opened my eyes to how weak I've been all along. Hope I'm making sense. And I really appreciate you helping me talk it out .

Edited November 16, 2017 by Hurtinlove

[grassisorisntgreener]

Reading this post made my entire body hurt. I am so sorry.

[Hurtingmuch]

I am very sorry that you have to go through that. Your story is so painful to read and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. In fact, nobody does.

 

What I can say, is you have to look at the bright side. You dodge a bullet there. It is his lost, not yours. That type of person will never change and whoever is gonna be with him, will also gonna be suffering. Don’t go after him, he is not worth your time, love and attention. You made a mistake, just like most people. Learn from it and move-on. Do not go back there. Moving forward can’t be worst than how he treated you.

 

As far as yourself, you need to learn how to love and respect yourself more than anybody else. In that way, you will know, what you allow in your life and what not. You will learn, on what you can put up with and what you are willing to do, without the other person treating you like a door mat. And you will learn how to prevent and protect yourself in that situation. After all, this is your life and you just have the rest of your life to be happy with. So choose wisely...your own happiness and peace of mind or his/other people.

 

As far as your husband, people don’t change, but you can change how you look at things. And based on what you wrote, don’t you think, that you have suffered enough to tend to other people’s needs? Don’t you think , that now, is going to be the time to take care of your own needs and happiness? Life is short, live it to the fullest. Don’t waste it on something, that is not making you happy and not worth your while. Maybe you and your husband can talk like normal adults and discuss what needs to be done, whether the marriage is worth saving or you guys should just divorce. You would have to be honest with him though of what makes you so unhappy and unsatisfied. Both of you have to listen to each other and compromise, if you both decide to continue the marriage. For all you know, he might also be very unhappy. But if he is unwilling to talk, you can’t force him and perhaps write him a letter about how you feel and see how he responds to it. Don’t forget to apologize for the affair.

 

As for the kids, nothing would hurt them more than seeing their parents not to love each other. You don’t want them to think that marriage and home is a place for suffering and faking. You don’t want them to see and follow that type of relationship that you and your husband have. And if you guys decided to divorce. The kids needs transparency on what’s going on and what is going to happen.

As much as possible, you have to let them know, to prevent kids from getting confused and not blaming themselves for the divorce. It will be hard for everybody, but if it is executed right, good things will come out, out of it. Happier parents, raise happier kids. So don’t ever underestimate on what kids see and what can they understand or not. Someday, they will also become adults and will understand the problem.

 

As far, as divorced, I too went against my family’s wishes by divorcing my first husband. It took me a few months before I told them that I am living on my own and I had left my husband. They were shocked, but at that time, I wasn’t gonna let anybody control my life. I am not going to live my life in accordance to what my family wants me to have. It was the best decision I made and my life is way better now.

 

Remind yourself everyday that this is your life and you are in control of it. And that happiness is within you. You cannot find happiness somewhere else. You are the only person, who can make yourself happy. So take control of your life and get your life back. You will be surprise of what you are capable of.

 

Good-luck!

[sac555]

Dear OP

 

"DH did show me what he is made or, he is a rock if strength to me."

 

I'm not sure why you married if he is this type of person...how did you "fall in love" with him to make it to the altar? His character is showing through with the statement above...even after your wild affair with family friends...(He was betrayed by you and his friend as well) I am not condoning his non- involvment with you...but have you told him the things you were sad/mad about in your marriage? Have you given him a chance to make that part of your marriage better? A counselor would be wise action...make sure you get good references. Your pain will decrease for time does some healing. Do you want to stay married? Do you see your family together several years from now? Emotions play a big part in disease so it is good for you to talk and get your emotions set straight. Talk to your DH about this, do counseling together...try to see if your marriage is salvageable...it might be worth it. I do know that husbands can change...we went through a few things as well as with counseling and finally really being able to talk about stuff it has all worked out. Redirect your thinking, your heart and your mind...I don't know your faith preference, but we decided to go back to church and things have helped there too. praying for peace and joy to return to you..

[Hurtinlove]

Thank you for your support! I'm getting a lot of pity on the forum, didn't expect that. Making calls for marriage counselor and going to need a good one . Going to take one baby step at a time. I know there's a lot on my plate right now. Everyone on the forums is being my strength and I'm glad I found you all to talk to.

 

Just wanted to mention other than what is going in my personal life, k have a good professional life, have many girl friends since past few years, I take time out for myself, hang out with friends and if you saw me in person, you'd never in a million years guess my inner struggle. Don't feel pity for me please inspite of all this, I'm a great friend , I'm happy when I'm around my girls friends , family and nieces. Do not feel pith for me. Just need to get out of this crappy mess with MM in my mind. And then other things will fall into place. I'm proud of the progress I made so far past year .

Edited November 17, 2017 by Hurtinlove

[sac555]

Dear HurtinLove,

 

"thank you for your support'.

So glad you have found such good advice from so many here. Also glad you are seeking the counseling and have other things in place for a good support system! Hope all works out well!