Don't feel confident in my relationship

[brasilcolorido]

I have been experiencing a lot of pain around lack of acceptance from my boyfriend. I am seeking advice on how one applies ACT to this type of situation.

 

I moved to a new town a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend. We had been in a long-distance relationship before that for several years and it come to that juncture where we had to either move towards being with each other or not at all. We chose the former and I decided to move to his town. I left my career with the federal government, which was a huge decision for me. Since then, I have had very little options or success in terms of finding a similar career here and feel as if my marketability and desirability are decreasing the more I am unemployed. This has been just one notch of many in my confidence belt. I have been blessed in that my boyfriend has been supporting us financially as I get back on my feet but it has also been discouraging as I have lost a lot of my independence and autonomy as a woman.

 

Most of my pain, however stems from the fact that my boyfriend doesn't fully accept me. This has been demonstrated in the way he compares me to others (this is very frequent) on intelligence, attractiveness, being articulate, and thinks I should change the way I show up in social situations by telling me how I need to behave. There are actually times when he feels embarrassed or uncomfortable with me in social situations and I am one of the nicest, kindest people around who never got critiqued in this way in former relationships. It is hurtful as it hits one of my limiting beliefs I took on as a child about not being good enough or that there is something wrong with me. I understand that relationships can trigger old wounds and traumas from the past. Both of us have been on the spiritual path for many, many years and are conscious enough to take responsibility for what we bring to the relationship and both want to work on this and heal from these wounds. However, I feel like I am losing my essence, my self and feel less and less attractive and confident in his presence.

 

This is a pattern he has had in all of his former relationships. He is a perfectionist and always finds something wrong and focuses on that. It stems from his inability to accept himself, his own imperfections and just general foibles of humanity. He does own it from a vulnerable place of wanting others to be perfect so that they can somehow fill that void for him. Of course, he knows that is impossible. It also stems from a fear of connection and intimacy and judgment and criticism are ways that he can push people away. At the same time, I know that he does truly love me and he doesn't want to lose me. And ironically, despite this aspect of his personality, it is one of the best relationships I've had in terms of transparency of feelings, honesty, spiritual growth, and we have a lot in common.

 

We are currently going to couples therapy and trying to work on this together from that vulnerable, wounded place. However, I am worried because despite the work we are doing on this (both collectively and independently), I find myself feeling less and less secure, confused, and unsure whether I can be with someone who I know is constantly comparing me. You can't just switch it off like a light bulb so this is something that I am grappling with because a part of me may never feel good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, articulate enough... and I don't know if I can live that way regardless of all the work we do.

 

The funny thing about all of this is that I am an attractive woman, I consider myself to be above average intelligence, have a graduate degree, am worldly (have lived in many different countries) speak four languages, play the piano, run, hike ski, bike... and yet I'm still not enough for him.

 

Is it possible to get through this and come together in a better, more accepting and compassionate way? I love him but am confused.

 

Any advice or wisdom you can share would be greatly appreciated! I am so grateful for this forum.

 

Gwen

[stillafool]

Have you actually talked to him and told him how his words make you feel and to stop it or you will break up with him?

[twentysix]

Amazing - I am actually in a similar situation. I posted a thread about it and got no replies so far. I wonder if the fear of intimacy/connection topic is a little too hard to answer... hard enough for us to deal with, nobody else seems to know what to do either! ;-)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/643489-boyfriend-deep-rooted-intimacy-issues-wanting-change

 

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't know. He makes me feel the same way. I try not to take it personally because I know that it comes from his OWN insecurity... but when somebody reminds you of your flaws over and over and over again, it just starts to make you feel terrible & you begin to believe them.

 

I actually didn't mention anything in my post about this, however I can relate. He doesn't necessarily COMPARE me to others, but he will point out my flaws on a fairly regular basis and wants me to do the same for him. I remind him that everyone has flaws, some of them you just need to try and accept because not everybody is the same and/or perfect. Sometimes, if he points something out I actually sub-consciously stop doing it and then he will bring it up like, "Well done, you stopped doing that thing, you listened to me!" and it actually seems really controlling. I don't even think he realizes that he does this, it just makes him feel good & like he's HELPING me. But he's actually lowering my self-esteem to boost his own.

 

I think in these instances, we need to take a deep breath & remind ourselves that WE ARE NOT THE BROKEN ONES. They are. We can't take these things personally, although it sure feels very personal. We need to remind them how they make us feel, and refuse to back down when they tell us that we're too sensitive.

 

The more I write, the more I wonder why we put up with it...

Edited November 21, 2017 by twentysix

[spiderowl]

My feeling is that he won't change. He is fundamentally like this and he will slowly but surely erode your confidence. I know you want him to change but people don't change. That is one of the illusions we have when young and inexperienced. We think it is possible to change someone or for them to change themselves. People don't change themselves unless they have an interest in doing so.

 

I have a family member like your partner. He compares and belittles. He has not changed in my whole lifetime. The problem is that these people think like this and deep down believe it is someone else's fault. It's not that they are judgemental, it is that you are not dressed properly for the occasion ... and so it goes.

 

Remind yourself of your wonderful qualities and how you deserve a partner who will treasure you not diminish you. Think very seriously before continuing with an abusive partner. Abuse is not always obvious and violent, it can be subtle and undermining. It can eat away at the self you know until you become so demoralised, you can't remember how special you were.

 

One way you could look at this is to listen to what he says, everything he says about you, and then imagine if he were saying something positive about you instead. How often do you have to turn the negative into the positive? How would you feel if he were positive instead of negative? I'm sure it would make quite a difference.

 

Finally, whatever you are telling yourself, or whatever your boyfriend is telling you about his motivation and how hard he is working on doing something about these issues, do not forget that these traits are basically controlling. He is attempting to control you, to turn you into the woman he wants or to demoralise you so that you cannot fail to be more vulnerable than before. What happens if you stand up to his comments where he is comparing you or denigrating you? How does he react to that?

 

I offer you the above to think about.

Edited November 21, 2017 by spiderowl