Addicted to Love part 2 recovery

[Willow Woman]

Hello,

I did not want to continue with my previous thread because it is too painful to reread. I have been doing some soul searching and positive steps to recovery.

 

First, I have read discussions on here for hours, I read the book Love Sick by Sue Silverman, and I have read various websites about addiction. As I said before I cannot go to therapy. One of the biggest reasons is my crappy insurance and what I can afford. I have to do this on my own. I did find an old friend in AA who I can trust and call when things get tough. I also found a Christian recovery group but haven't gone yet.

 

My last contact with AP was over three weeks ago. I have NO idea why after all the years he suddenly went NC. I have NOT called , texted, or stalked. Today is a Thursday and that was the day we would meet so it is a trigger and I shook this morning but I held strong.

 

In my brain I have divided myself into two personalities. One I call addict girl and one I call W. I tell myself addict girl wants contact but she has been living on the "high" for so many years its hard to come down to normal existence. W reads and tells herself that the high is just brain chemicals and to just wait and she will get better. Addict girl cries but W tells her she is an idiot and get a life. W functions like a normal person and is beginning to live without the high.This is very hard but all I can do is try.

 

I would love suggestions of how to totally destroy addict girl without hurting W.

Edited November 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Confusedlady77]

Hi WW,

 

I don't know your previous thread but I am going through something similar so maybe we could support each other through it. My thread is below yours. I think you are being very strong and fair play for not succumbing on a trigger day.

 

I've gone NC with my ex and it happened with no warning either. I agree it is like an addiction and what we are suffering is withdrawal. I think the hardest part is not knowing what the other person is thinking and we will probably never know.

[Ronnie33]

My affair was over 4 years. My story is on here if you want to read it. In that 4 years so much went on and I can say that I feel like a completely different person then I was, then.

 

I to became this dependent, love drug addict, living off the highs and dying with the lows.

 

I am so tired of feeling that way, I just want it to be over.

 

I think what we have to realize is that we are stronger then the addict. She will kick out a$$ five ways to Sunday but we have to keep getting back up.

 

The line from the Tom Petty song, Won't Back Down "you can stand me up to the gates of hell, but I won't back down"We have to keep fighting for that person that knows she deserves better. She's in there still, we just have to kick the **** out of the addict to get back to her.

 

Don't back down. Keep posting.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Ronnie33

[jah526]

I wasn't in therapy for long but there's one thing I took away from it. One counselor said "something about this relationship feels familiar to you". I think she was right. We tend to get into high-drama, toxic relationships because we are repeating a pattern from the past, and being creatures of habit, this pattern feels natural and in a way, safe, to us. Until we start to become aware that it is toxic.

 

So once we are out we start to feel like we're in a limbo state, unsure which way to turn. It feels unsafe to us. Maybe look at addict girl like a marionette whose strings were being manipulated by the MM and the A. The marionette still wants to dance but there is no one to pick up the strings. So maybe what you need to do is pick up the strings yourself and teach her a better, healthier dance...

[Willow Woman]

I found this link in a thread from 2006 and just listened to it. It is from a preacher who's message is if it hurts you let it go. Very helpful!!!

http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3

[LivingWaterPlease]

Willow Woman, I felt about my H the way you feel about your AP and when he left me I could barely get through each moment of the day. There are no words to describe how badly I wanted to be with him. The thing that helped me recover was getting to know Jesus Christ through reading the Bible and prayer. It's the only place I discovered there was power to change how I felt. It is how I learned to stand on my own two feet without depending on what anyone else had to offer me.

 

I was able to go to counseling through my divorce and it kept me hoping it had something to offer. I tried four different counselors or more. It bought me time. There is knowledge in counseling, so I don't discount it, but there was no power there. There is, however, power in God.

 

Read the Psalms and you will feel emotions right along with the author. Btw, King David who wrote many of the Psalms had an affair and wrote about it in the Psalms. Isaiah is great. The gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. These were all written by real people and you will learn by what they all went through how to deal with adversity and how to allow God's power to change your life.

[Hurtingmuch]

It is a very addicting relationship.

 

You can also watch Esther Perel in Dr. John Gray in youtube. Those talks are very helpful, as well as reading similar experiences and advice from this thread. It won’t be easy to stop it and sometimes you find reasons to justify the affair. But, I think that certain negative emotion is the nature of this relationship. An affair is not the same as a normal relationship. Sometimes, you start asking yourself if the nature of the affair is hurting you or you are the one hurting yourself by trying to normalize an affair and by wanting more. Although, I am not really sure if one can stop themselves from wanting more in an affair and go through it being happy and content.

[Willow Woman]

Thank you Livingwaters. I actually am going to church Sunday for the first time in years with some friends. I think I am looking for that higher power.

Hurtingmuch, someone said it's like a roller coaster of emotions. Today during the time we would usually text I came on here and posted. Addict girl wanted to just leave a message WHY but my real self said STOP YOU IDIOT NOT WORTH THE PAIN! Yes I was yelling at myself.

[Willow Woman]

Today I did some Facebook snooping and found out I had been lied to. Now Addict girl isn't crying she is so angry that I am afraid she will do something she will regret.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Today I did some Facebook snooping and found out I had been lied to. Now Addict girl isn't crying she is so angry that I am afraid she will do something she will regret.

 

Well, Willow Woman, "live and learn" is what I always say! Seems as if FB snooping might not be in your best interests? Not trying to be cavalier, just trying to support what will work best for you!

[Poppy47]

Today I did some Facebook snooping and found out I had been lied to. Now Addict girl isn't crying she is so angry that I am afraid she will do something she will regret.

 

Geez DO NOT GO painshopping Willow. You will get upset every time.

 

I blocked xMM on Facebook, primarily so I cannot see him even if I tried.

 

Do it.

 

Poppy.

[grass-hopper]

I to became this dependent, love drug addict, living off the highs and dying with the lows.

 

This. This is me.

[chinadiary]

Me too. I've been trying to get out of this relationship for 4 years. It's more over than it's ever been before but I keep trying to get it back. I need to stay away! But the addiction is bad.

 

If it were a drug, I'd be over it by now. I'd be clean.

[Willow Woman]

Actually soul searching and seeing the lie I found on Facebook was helpful.

Even if he begged to come back into my life at this point I would say NO.

Reconnecting with H.

[Willow Woman]

It's Thursday morning and this is my trigger day since this was the day we would always meet.

 

I have made quite a bit of progress since I posted here about a month ago. AP has not contacted me but I did break down on 12/1 and call him at his work. I was having an emotional day because it would have been my son's birthday if he hadn't died two years ago. Yes I know that is not an excuse for a phone call but I wasn't in my right mind. He did take my call but I got very few answers why after so many years everything ended. All he said was W went through the phone records and he had to get a new phone. I asked if I was in trouble and he said no which surprised me. He then said I can't talk now I will call you later. Well you guys know the answer HE NEVER CALLED. Yes for days and days I ruminated trying to figure out what happened which is wasted energy.

I did start to go the the Christian 12 step recovery group and this is beginning to help. This is going to be a long path but I will get better.

[Vivir]

Willow Woman, may I ask why you put the eyeroll emoticon next to your quote, "Reconnecting with H"?

 

 

I was having an emotional day because it would have been my son's birthday if he hadn't died two years ago. Yes I know that is not an excuse for a phone call but I wasn't in my right mind.

 

(((Willow Woman)))

Hugs to you.

 

Please accept my condolences for your terrible loss.

 

Your MM is a pain source. You are not likely to find the answers or comfort you seek from him.

[Willow Woman]

I accidentally put the wrong emoji