I lied to my boyfriend, and desperately need some advice.

[ConfuzedSoul]

I have been struggling with myself in my own skin for a long time. The history is too long to delve into, but I have next to zero self-esteem and confidence. I met my boyfriend on October 20th of 2004, and we automatically clicked.. but we had met over the internet. I truly thought he was just another game for me, and the demons in my life came to swarm around me. During very low points in my life, I would lie to him, about numerous things...what I did, what I didn't do, and they were always depressing "stories." I lied to gauge his reactions to see if he loved me. It was addicting, and while he was here for a month it was so wonderful...spectacular~ But I continued the lies as soon as he went back. He suspected my lies, then was positive of them, and finally it all spilled out 3 weeks ago. He forgave me, and we tried to swing back into our normal relationship.

 

I fully understand that it was wrong of me, and because of that I felt this overwhelming guilt. I haven't lied to him since then, and several of my friends had given me the advice that I should forget the situation, avoid it at all costs and let him lead the way. Well, it soon turned out several days ago, that upon doing so, it made him have doubts about our relationship and question if I want really wanted to be with him. As well as question my every words with, "Is she lying?" which I understand... In that few weeks, we have managed to become the best of friends rather than girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

I don't know what else to do anymore. We're trying once more to repair it, only as boyfriend and girlfriend to everyone, but as the closest friends between us first.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? I'm taking therapy to repair my low self-esteem, and a lot of other issues that I have. We're long distance as well. I live in the US, and he lives in the UK. If this relationship works out, it'll only be for 6 months. Please, Please help.

[tanbark813]

The only things you can actively do are to be honest with him from this point on, and be honest with the next guy if this relationship doesn't work out. It sucks to be lied to by someone you care for. I don't think that's something that can be fully fixed. It's like trying to unlight a match.

[ConfuzedSoul]

I have been honest with him...I just really miss our relationship of what it had been used to be.

One of my friends who has been in this situation, but doesn't really like to talk about it, told me it took him a year for the relationship to get back the way it was to the best of their ability.

I guess I don't know what steps to take for us to go back maybe not exactly to the way it used to be, but similar.

[RecordProducer]

Lies are one of the biggest turn-offs. A lying partner is what we all fear. A lying person is capable of cheating, doing things behind the partner's back, being selfish, etc. You already left a very bad impression. Moreover you blamed your insecurity and lack of self-confidence which is also a turn-off. Your BF is not your social worker, he doesn't want to feel sorry for you. He wants a cheerful, open, honest, and nice girl.

Besides you confessed when you got caught, not because you felt guilty. Given that it's a LDR and you met on the net, I don't believe that you will work out, but you never know. If he catches you in a lie again, he will ditch you for good.

[kgal]

Its hard to repair that trust in someone once they've lied to you or been lied to. I think that if you both really truly love one another, you will both get through this... but don't do it again. It's a very delicate time for him to start trusting you, of course the thought of, "Is she lying?" .. creeps in at times. It's going to take time. You have got to be careful for a while... let him see how genuine you truly are... be yourself.... During this time, you should also make sure you are taking care of the problem inside of you, if there are any. You say you fight low self-esteem? Do some soul searching, read a few Bible verses and see what God says about lying.

 

I lied to my parents in the past, nothing good came of it.. it also has taken a while for them to see that I can be trusted. Lies only damage and cause hurt. The devil is the father of lies, remember that. You don't want to be his child, so seek the good life. Good Luck w/your relationship, I pray the best for you!

[AmberAriesMom]

I'd be concerned that your relationship with him was bonded on your stories of a pitiable past. If that's what hooked his interest in you, then it wouldn't actually be lying to him that is the problem as much as it's that you're not who he thought you were. Maybe he needs a soul to save? If so, and you're still having self esteem issues, then maybe he will hang around.

 

Good for you for telling him the truth! I'm sure that was NOT easy! He should give you points for that.

[confussed_walker]

Yea u may have lied to him but it's never to late to tell the truth, if he really love you will be mad cuz u wasn't real but I don't belive that will change the way he feel about you so just be real with him he will understand

[Really sorry]

Hi confused Walker,

 

Lying is a BAD thing. Most guys would find it impossible to trust you again after the first lie. I did the same thing with my internet relationship. I had some low self esteem issues as I suffered some hair loss some thinning out in certain sections caused by iron deficiency, hormonal imbalance and work related stress.

 

My own pride and vanity led me to tell a man that I met and fell in love with a big fat lie over the internet when he asked me for photographs. Even we had met a decade ago and I was good friends with his brothers and sister. He still did not remember me at all. Firstly, I kept on putting off sending a photograph and I had made plans to visit this guy immediately in the USA after 3 weeks of correspondence instead of sending a photograph. Then my hair got worst as some of the major brand hair loss treatments failed me and made things worst. My stupid hair was patching and the camera would have caught the missing areas straight away - no doubt about it! I did not have any current photographs that was less than 6 years old I could send off. I thought about wearing a wig, but it just didn't look natural at all.

 

My sister has got the thickess and most gorgeous hair I have seen so I asked her if she minded posing as me as we looked almost similar in facial structure. I didn't know when or if EVER I would be able to make a trip anywhere to meet any man looking the way I did. I thought it was a harmless "white" lie and can be used as a cover up until some solution was found to stop the hair falling out and encourage hair growth or gradually the internet friendship amounted to nothing and we ended up going our separate ways. The more I declined the more persistant the guy became to see some photographs. I hated myself for what I did. I guess if I had a second chance to do things differently, I would have made smarter choices. I stupidly sent my sister's pictures I had taken to his e-mail address.

 

I couldn't sleep at night as after I had done this evil deed. I felt nothing, but pure guilt. I would have dreams where the guy told me 'you don't look like you" and walked away. My conscience really got the better of me. I kept the guy waiting and at the edge of his seat with pictures of my sister. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks after I sent the photographs of my sister off I discovered this cool website while doing a search on google under 'organic hair care products" and vitamin supplements. I took a chance and ordered the products. Wow, it was fast delievery to my surprise. I felt a difference in my hair texture after first application. It felt soft and fluffy. And over a couple of weeks I started to notice less hair fall-out - each time I shampooed and conditioned and you could say things were looking great for me. After 2 months and a bit I started to see little sprouts, reminded me of planting little seedlings that was just coming up. I was amazed and excited.

 

Tragically, the damage was already done. I had lied and couldn't get myself out of this mess. I spent the next couple of months pondering over should I just disappear and forget about this guy or should I tell him the truth. In the end I realised that I cared for him too much to just do a disappearing act and leave him in the cold confused. So I took a flight to the USA a couple weeks ago and confronted him and came clean about my big fat lie.

 

Boy was he angry. What lesson I learnt is that once you get an American man angry - hell is loose. I felt like a bullfighter with this large angry bull coming towards me. I had never told a lie before and have always tried my darnest best to say things straight out, regardless of the consequences. But this hair loss thing had really caused me to lie. I was very confused and kind of shocked at my actions. The guy is still angry and won't forgive me. Not that I blame him. I left the States soon after as I had to have some surgery done on my knee which I put off for a while so that I could visit him.

 

I feel so much better now that I got this out of my system. I'm just so glad that I solved my hair loss problem as it really does make a difference to one's self esteem.

 

Someday, I know that I am going to recover from the psychological traumas fully emotionally. I learnt so many lessons from this experience and it makes me more determined to help everyone I meet who has similar experiences. If only I had discovered this miraculous hair restorative 2 years ago would have been heavenly. I would have avoided the loss of this relationship which meant the world to me. Yes, I screwed up because I was an idiot.

 

Take care all,

 

Really sorry