I love my wife but am not attracted to her

[LostInNewYork]

I have been with my wife for almost 10 years. We got married about a year and a half ago. No kids. In the beginning, I found her attractive at first, but was never passionately lustful for her like I have been with other women, and I have always been attracted to other women. But outside of that, I love being with her. She is my best friend. We get along great, support each other, and are very affectionate in a nonsexual way- we kiss and hug and cuddle often.

 

The problem is, she has always been overweight and I don't find her body very attractive. I feel awful saying this here and have never told her that, though I have encouraged her to try to exercise more to be healthy. I do think her face is pretty and I tell her that because I want to her to feel good about herself. But the fact is, she has kind of a big gut and it is a real turnoff for me.

 

She rarely dresses up or puts on makeup, and generally doesn't put much effort into her appearance. She is very focused on her career right now, and she works long hours and is often tired and stressed which isn't really conducive to a fun, sexy environment. When we do have sex it can feel pretty boring and unexciting, not at all the kind of passionate sex I would like to be having. She is not uninterested in sex, but she definitely has a lower libido than me.

 

I always told myself that this was okay, that I could deal with this since the rest of our relationship was so good. But the last few times we have had sex, I was unable to maintain an erection with her. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate a lot, which was how I have been meeting my own sexual needs, and I am trying to do that less to see if that can help. But I am feeling more and more like I want to find a woman that I am sexually interested in and attracted to.

 

I am terrified of getting a divorce, and I do not want to hurt my wife. I do love her very much, and I love our life together, but I am not satisfied in this relationship. I don't know what to do.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I assume she didn't just gain weight in the last year and a half since you married her?

 

It's not really fair of you to allow her to be married to someone who doesn't 100% love her, so maybe you should just bite the bullet and let her go to find someone who loves her the way she is.

[LostandLonging]

You’re not alone.

[LivingWaterPlease]

LostinNY, do you think you'd be attracted to your wife if she lost weight, firmed up and started dressing nicely and wearing makeup or is there just no chemistry with her even if she was to do that?

[ayoung73]

First off, stop watching porn, it’s a cancer for any marriage! Your expectations have been skewed by the porn and all of the ‘normal’ things women supposedly love to do! You want to help, stop watching porn, do the grocery shopping, find meals and plans etc. to help her with her weight and make the change. Go for walks, talk to her and tell her how you feel…don’t tell her she’s fat and that’s why you’re not attracted to her anymore, but tell her you feel unhealthy and want to make a change. You could mention that the long hours etc. seem to be taking a toll on her and your relationship, consider a therapist, but stop making it all about you! Have you considered that her weight gain might be in response to your porn?

 

Maybe she knows about it and gave up thinking she’d never meet your expectations. Maybe she’s spending more time at work trying to avoid the talk because she feels like the problem. Unfortunately so many people forget this, marriage is a commitment to one another’s well-being and it is ‘for better or for worse.’ Show her you’re there, I’m concerned that the job is taking a toll on you honey, you look stressed, I’m so worried about you I’m stressed out…something along those lines. Don’t give up, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t give you the right to bail! You can do this, rebuild your marriage so you’re both happy!

[Totally OP]

Are there men who don't watch porn? I know like one, and he's the exception to the rule. A man spilling semen to some pictures doesn't make him less committed. Obviously, this marriage has issues, but they most likely lie somewhere else

[DKT3]

Honestly, I don't think you really have a problem with your wife's weight, it's easy to say and something you can emotionally grasp. I think the real issue is you don't feel like you are a priority for her, you have mismatched sex drives and you maybe resent her for that. I believe you feel undesired by her and maybe slightly rejected. Male macho behavior says reject the rejector. That is what your doing.

 

Porn....well that can screw up your sex life as we age. Early in life you could use the porn and still perform. As you age and your desire slows you really have to make a choice. Being that we men tend to be most visual (thus the need for porn) you begin to condition your sexual performance to depend on that visual stimulation. So, what does that mean? You will still have an erection with the idea of sex with your wife but once you don't have the visual stimulation you will lose it.

 

I think you need to talk to your wife about not feeling like a priority for her, and how you don't feel she makes the effort. Be honest and give her an opportunity to work with you to resolve this matter. Also, be prepared for some uncomfortable truth coming back. Stop watching porn for one week, completely. Im sure you will be able to maintain for the duration.

 

Good luck

[mehrunes_dagon]

Honestly, I don't think you really have a problem with your wife's weight, it's easy to say and something you can emotionally grasp. I think the real issue is you don't feel like you are a priority for her, you have mismatched sex drives and you maybe resent her for that. I believe you feel undesired by her and maybe slightly rejected. Male macho behavior says reject the rejector. That is what your doing.

 

I've been in your shoes and what this person wrote is the truth. You feel like she doesn't value you. And you feel like not taking care of herself physically is disrespecting the relationship. I don't blame you.

 

I also want to say this 'comfortable' sort of happiness you describe with your wife may not be all that happy, it may just be complacency. Ask yourself if this is true, or if you want something more out of life. Anyways, this comfortable relationship can't last. Sooner or later you will just be straight up unhappy, and she will too. If you don't think you can change your situation with your wife, then think about what you need to do. But I'd also urge you to do everything you can to fix your marriage - people divorce way too easily in our society, nobody fights for their marriage anymore.

[elaine567]

I have been with my wife for almost 10 years.

We got married about a year and a half ago.

No kids.

In the beginning, I found her attractive at first, but was never passionately lustful for her like I have been with other women, and I have always been attracted to other women.

 

Essentially you married a woman you were lack lustre about, long "courtship" which eventually turned into a marriage. Never a good sign.

Now your basic lack of enthusiasm for her is starting to bite.

YOU want porn sex and she as a hard working real live woman is not producing the goods for you...

 

The only good thing here is that you have no kids.

Divorce her pronto, before your sex drive takes you to cheating on her with another "sexier" woman and that will really hurt her and ruin her life, especially as by then she will probably be pregnant/have given birth.

[MidlifeMama]

I think it's hard for people to grasp when someone actually admits they are not "attracted" to their partner. Most of the time what brings people together romantically is that spark of physical attraction. Many other things play into getting into a relationship, but that's what separates friends from lovers.

 

If you admit that you no longer have an attraction when someone gains weight (for example) you are looked at as shallow and unloving, selfish and cruel. ****, people age and gain weight and get lazy and it isn't attractive but it doesn't mean you don't love the person, but it's very hard to admit that you don't exactly find their body pleasing.

 

Sure, he could feel like she isn't making him a priority but I think he should be able to admit to himself he doesn't find her eye pleasing.

 

Now to admit that to her, that's another thing. That is a hard thing to do that would crush her, but it should be addressed on some level. I have tried for years to push the health aspects of weight loss towards my husband who gained over 60 pounds after 25 years together. He has always had a weight issue and I know he is sensitive to it, but I am concerned about his health and I also do not find the weight gain attractive. Sorry, I just don't. I'm certainly not perfect by any means but have kept myself physically in shape.

 

We recently started going back to the gym together. Maybe you could suggest this with your wife. You get time together and can work on the weight issue together. I do most of the cooking so we can both eat better, that helps too. It's slow going as we are both older now, but I don't think getting physically lazy helps anything in a relationship and people shouldn't be made to feel shallow for expressing that this can be an issue in a relationship and spill into sex and lots of other things or lack thereof.

 

Keep the porn for when you want to turn each other on (share it) not every time but cut back because she will never measure up to that. No woman does and it will get stuck in your head.

 

Remember the reasons you love her and focus more on that and connecting again non-sexually. TALK about the lack of what's happening in the sex dept. Give her a chance to remedy it. That's what I have been doing. It's baby steps but seems to be getting better .

[SunnySide0418]

Would you be attracted to her sexually if she was into passionate sex?

[Phoenician]

I strongly believe that men are of two kinds mainly , serial cheaters+selfish or loyal .

 

loyal still can be pushed to cheating and they ruin a marriage .

 

Woman are also of three kinds , the loyal but selfish or lazy , the cheater and the giver type.

 

I feel that your wife is Type I , Loyal, but selfish or lazy , also don't forget the hormone issue of woman ....

 

 

I strongly beleieve that since you have been in this marriage of 10 years ; it is an indication that you are committed ; however you are being taken for granted and this hurting you ; soon you will consider a refusal or reluctance to have sex a major disrespect to you , which could lead you to change and become a cheater or destroy the marriage .

 

I've been in your shoes , and attempted to cheat after 15 years of marriage , but failed and came back to my wife confessed and urged her to start over .

 

Obviously I wrongly expected that my confession is a good thing ,and expected her to change , while she expected to give more myself .

 

after 4 years of the restart , we are now since 4 month in a very harsh divorce ; the things she is doing I would never expect to see not from someone I loved for years only , but also from a mom .

 

she is using the kids to fight with me , especially that she is loosing legally in court , the more she loose the more she is abusive on kids by using them to put pressure on me to end things outside the court the way she wants ( house , custody, etc ....).

 

The way I see it is not that you are not attracted to her body , you are more untracted to her laziness or disrespect to you .

 

 

My advise to you is to sit with your wife and tell her that you want to fix the marriage , and for that to happen you need both to sacrifice ; if she changes then great , if not (most probably will happen if more resentment builds in your heart ) then let it go , wish her good luck and let her find her happiness elsewhere while you find yours ...

 

good luck , be strong and start building your confidence no matter what happens.