Lost

[icca419]

I have been married for 11 years and have just separated from my husband. We have a long history of a troubled marriage.

 

In the beginning out marriage was great. Two years in I had my first daughter. I had horrible post partum depression and it took almost a year of horrible depression to find out and get help. My marriage suffered. He told me it was one of the only times he was going to leave me. Right after I had my daughter my husband decided to start his own business. He worked day and night for almost 5 years. He was never around. I felt like a single parent. I worked full time and made sure my daughter and the house were taken care of. I didn't want him to worry about anything but taking care of his business. His business went bankrupt and he went into a horrible depression. I stood by him and supported him in any way I could. He decided to work for a business out of state. I quit my job that I absolutely loved to move there so we could be a family. I was excited he was working a 9-5 job and we could be a normal family. That year I got pregnant with my second daughter. While I was pregnant he started to get addicted to an online game. He was on it 24/7. I had the baby and immediately went on meds to help prevent the postpartum. This baby was extremely hard. I was a stay at home mom. I never slept. He thought that since he worked me didn't need to help with the kids. When he got home he was immediately on his phone ignoring the girls and I. I asked him to cut down on his phone time so we could have family time. I was told no. I asked if he would just stay off the phone while we had dinner as a family and his answer was no. I would just say ok to appease him and avoid a fight. I knew he was stressed with work and if that helped him I was ok with it.

 

This continued for two years. We had no relationship. He would lay in bed next to me but his back would be to me and he would be on his phone. His job laid him off and we had to move back to our hometown. One morning I was up with my now three year old and he had his phone propped up. He had a text message on his phone from a woman and it just said baby. I woke him up and asked him what it was and he just said its what you think. I broke down. I had trusted him completely. He was having an emotional affair for two years. This turned physical whenever he had to travel for work. I was broken. If only I had looked at his phone once I would have found out. I still struggle with that. He told me that I had gained to much weight with my pregnancy, I was more of a mom than a wife. I showed him no intimacy. I found out a year ago. At the time I wanted to leave. I decided to try counseling for my kids. I owed them to see if I could recover from this. I told him he had to delete the game and I had to have access to his phone and email. He cut all contact from her. We went to counseling. The therapist thought he may have bipolar. His whole family struggles with mental illness. He is a stubborn man. He went on a low dose of anti depressant. I have spent the last year working on myself. I have been trying to give him the intimacy. Separate the mom me from the wife me. I went and started my career again. I found a job I love. I am happy in every aspect of my life but my marriage. He went from playing his game to watching youtube all the time. He puts headphones on checks out. Even when he came to bed he would pull me to him and I would here his videos playing on the headphones.

 

This last month we sat down and talked about us. He said he doesn't think I like him at all. I can't accept him for who he is. I told him I have accepted him for who he is, I have stood by him through thick and thin. I have supported him through everything. I even spent time trying to change things about me to make him happier. He told me all he needs from me is to be happy. He said it had been a year from his affair and I should be over it by now. I need to make the decision to forgive him and then just do it. I told him that I just want him to cut back on the phone. All I asked was for him to take his headphones off when we are having family time and when he is trying to me intimate in bed. He straight up said no. That even if he did that it wouldn't make me happy.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. We talked about this again. I told him I just wanted him to treat me like his wife not just his Childrens mother. He said he doesn't know if he can do it. He isn't willing to meet me in the middle on anything. I am willing to fight for him but he isn't willing to fight or me. It was the wakeup call I needed. I told him he needed to move into the basement for now. I told him we are just to different. He may think I am the problem but I think the problem is with him. I don't think he is happy with himself. I am expected to change and bend to what he wants and needs. I am expected to be there for him every time things get hard but when I need him he checks out and has an affair. I have been completely alone almost our entire marriage. We decided after the holidays were are moving our separate ways and getting a divorce.

 

I feel like I am dying. I am so worried about my kids. I love this man so much but I can't force him to love me. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. I want him to realize what he is losing by not trying to save this. I am just so lost and have no idea what to do or if my marriage can even be saved at this point. Or maybe I am just holding on to the idea of what it could have been like and died a long time ago.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Icca, I am sorry no one has replied to you considering that you are facing an emotional crisis. I do not think I am realty qualified to address any of your concerns but I will try. Firstly, I think your husband has always been too wrapped up in himself and his own happiness and satisfaction and you have been peripheral to his concerns. That said I do not think anything is going to change as he is one selfish self centered person. He only seemed to be good when things were generally smooth sailing but the moment things got a bit turbulent he bailed. 8 do not think he ever loved you truly.

 

To my mind your best bet now is to treat him as gone from your life. Hard as it may seem this is the only approach that will bring you relief and work for you. You have a young daughter and another child on the way. If you have your family close by do lean on them for support. File for divorce and move on with your life. Your two little kids should be your main concern now and your own welfare and mental well being the next most important matter. You have to accept that it is going to be a difficult time in your life but you will come through it with courage and resolve. I wish you the very best going forward. I am sure wiser souls will chip in and offer you good advice too. Warm wishes.

[afoolto no end]

Welcome,

 

I am sorry you are feeling so sad about your husband, he is not connected to your relationship and he is being very clear about him not meeting any of your needs.

How do you know the affair actually stopped, his word?

I would stay quiet and do some snopping to rule it out, if he is still talking to her he will never attach himself to you

First things first, get your information, stay quiet and then come back with a plan from there.

If you can get some kind of tracking on his phone or put a voice activated recorder in his car to see if he is still in his affair, a lot of the time affairs just go underground, they hide it a lot better all the while spewing they are finished.

As long as the affair goes on the marriage has no hope.

The affair will be more important than anything even his children....everything.

For now find out what he is up to. Stay quiet, go about your life like everything is okay.

His behaviour is not normal, this is a no win situation for you and this marriage.

You don't get over an affair in a year, for him to expect your going to trust him without proving himself is very telling.

I would go see a lawyer and see what rights you have and what the financial situation would look like, separate your accounts, credit cards.

Relationships are a two way street, he should want to make you happy ...

come back when you find out more and remember mom's the word until your ready with a plan.

[icca419]

I am pretty certain the affair is over. He understood the only way I would stay after finding out is if he was transparent. I had access to all accounts. He even added his cellphone to my plan so I had access to everything. The women lives in another country and he hasn’t traveled since I found out. I just think he really doesn’t know what he wants and is really selfish. I have been following the 180. I separated all of our accounts and he lives in the basement. After Christmas my girls and I are moving out and I am filing for divorce. I feel like at this point there is no way to come back from everything that has happened and how he has talked to me lately.

[DKT3]

No bad marriage is the fault of one person. People tend to play tic for tat when communication is bad. I guessing your husband has build a wall and a great deal of resentment surrounding the time after the birth of your first child, I'm also betting that's when the turn started. I'm not saying that it's your fault specifically, but it happened, right?

 

I really think you guys should bring in a third-party, be it be a therapist, pastor or a trusted person that can spark honest discussion that doesn't turn into the blame game.

 

However, you can't do it on your own, if he is unwilling, then you shouldn't feel guilt. All you can do is control your self.

 

Good luck

[icca419]

We did therapy for years after my first child. I went alone and we also went as a couple. I worked for years on myself but when it came to him he would withdraw. I asked him to go to therapy with me a couple of weeks ago. He agreed and I made the appointment and then he canceled it a few days before because he was busy. Last night I think it finally hit him. He asked if I was going to move out if I could move in with his mother. He kept asking me “baby are you all right.” At this point I am going to focus on myself and my kids. We are going to have a great holiday and then I am moving out. I can’t be the only one willing to change and grow. He just wants to do what he wants to do and if he has time he will spend time with us as a family. I can’t do it. And I own the half of the marriage I screwed up. I went to therapy, I worked on myself and I tried to change the things about myself that bothered him. I just can’t be the only one willing to try anymore. It’s not good for me and it isn’t good for my kids.

[Just a Guy]

Hi icca, I think you have got things right and are making the right decision. All I can say is that you have a difficult time ahead of you so you should plan on arranging and getting your support team in place before you move. If you have family and a few good friends then sound them out and see who will stand by you and support you and who will not. As a single mother you ate going to face a very tough time in the immediate future and you should prepare yourself both mentally and emotionally for that period. I wish you the very best for your future. Warm wishes.

[NHope]

I have been married for 11 years and have just separated from my husband. We have a long history of a troubled marriage.

 

In the beginning out marriage was great. Two years in I had my first daughter. I had horrible post partum depression and it took almost a year of horrible depression to find out and get help. My marriage suffered. He told me it was one of the only times he was going to leave me. Right after I had my daughter my husband decided to start his own business. He worked day and night for almost 5 years. He was never around. I felt like a single parent. I worked full time and made sure my daughter and the house were taken care of. I didn't want him to worry about anything but taking care of his business. His business went bankrupt and he went into a horrible depression. I stood by him and supported him in any way I could. He decided to work for a business out of state. I quit my job that I absolutely loved to move there so we could be a family. I was excited he was working a 9-5 job and we could be a normal family. That year I got pregnant with my second daughter. While I was pregnant he started to get addicted to an online game. He was on it 24/7. I had the baby and immediately went on meds to help prevent the postpartum. This baby was extremely hard. I was a stay at home mom. I never slept. He thought that since he worked me didn't need to help with the kids. When he got home he was immediately on his phone ignoring the girls and I. I asked him to cut down on his phone time so we could have family time. I was told no. I asked if he would just stay off the phone while we had dinner as a family and his answer was no. I would just say ok to appease him and avoid a fight. I knew he was stressed with work and if that helped him I was ok with it.

 

This continued for two years. We had no relationship. He would lay in bed next to me but his back would be to me and he would be on his phone. His job laid him off and we had to move back to our hometown. One morning I was up with my now three year old and he had his phone propped up. He had a text message on his phone from a woman and it just said baby. I woke him up and asked him what it was and he just said its what you think. I broke down. I had trusted him completely. He was having an emotional affair for two years. This turned physical whenever he had to travel for work. I was broken. If only I had looked at his phone once I would have found out. I still struggle with that. He told me that I had gained to much weight with my pregnancy, I was more of a mom than a wife. I showed him no intimacy. I found out a year ago. At the time I wanted to leave. I decided to try counseling for my kids. I owed them to see if I could recover from this. I told him he had to delete the game and I had to have access to his phone and email. He cut all contact from her. We went to counseling. The therapist thought he may have bipolar. His whole family struggles with mental illness. He is a stubborn man. He went on a low dose of anti depressant. I have spent the last year working on myself. I have been trying to give him the intimacy. Separate the mom me from the wife me. I went and started my career again. I found a job I love. I am happy in every aspect of my life but my marriage. He went from playing his game to watching youtube all the time. He puts headphones on checks out. Even when he came to bed he would pull me to him and I would here his videos playing on the headphones.

 

This last month we sat down and talked about us. He said he doesn't think I like him at all. I can't accept him for who he is. I told him I have accepted him for who he is, I have stood by him through thick and thin. I have supported him through everything. I even spent time trying to change things about me to make him happier. He told me all he needs from me is to be happy. He said it had been a year from his affair and I should be over it by now. I need to make the decision to forgive him and then just do it. I told him that I just want him to cut back on the phone. All I asked was for him to take his headphones off when we are having family time and when he is trying to me intimate in bed. He straight up said no. That even if he did that it wouldn't make me happy.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. We talked about this again. I told him I just wanted him to treat me like his wife not just his Childrens mother. He said he doesn't know if he can do it. He isn't willing to meet me in the middle on anything. I am willing to fight for him but he isn't willing to fight or me. It was the wakeup call I needed. I told him he needed to move into the basement for now. I told him we are just to different. He may think I am the problem but I think the problem is with him. I don't think he is happy with himself. I am expected to change and bend to what he wants and needs. I am expected to be there for him every time things get hard but when I need him he checks out and has an affair. I have been completely alone almost our entire marriage. We decided after the holidays were are moving our separate ways and getting a divorce.

 

I feel like I am dying. I am so worried about my kids. I love this man so much but I can't force him to love me. I am so confused and I have no idea what to do. I want him to realize what he is losing by not trying to save this. I am just so lost and have no idea what to do or if my marriage can even be saved at this point. Or maybe I am just holding on to the idea of what it could have been like and died a long time ago.

 

"Wow! I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It is really tough when it feels like you're the only person in the marriage willing to change and work through the differences. You are right though, you cannot make him love you. Even if you change, you may not be able to be what he wants you to be. You can only become a better version of yourself. And that’s a good thing. We can all use some growth and development in our lives. At this point, it sounds like his mind might be made up but you can still let him know that if or when he changes his mind that you are willing to work with him. The door can stay open. I will be praying for you."

[sandylee1]

Your husband isn't willing to work on this marriage. His behaviour shows he isn't bothered... so logically you are doing the right thing.

 

He isn't truly remorseful of he says you should be over the affair after a year. He hasn't got a clue and his attitude is awful.

 

He's not interested in being a family man and would rather be immature spending time on YouTube.

 

You've been very patient with him.

Edited November 22, 2017 by sandylee1
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