Should I even mention the cheating during mediation for our children?

[Myasylum]

Hello,

 

I did ask my lawyer If I should bring up my wife's infidelity during mediation. My lawyer said I can mention my "concerns" of how of effected the children, but not to harp on it or be angry because it could easily backfire.

 

I have to say so far, with lawyers, they don't care, I know the court don't care (In a no fault state) and we sent our 15 year old to a councilor. The child councilor just said, "Well, we're all adults here and as adults we do what we do. I think it effects you (meaning me) more than the child.

 

So that was another brick wall.

I not so sure anyone cares about cheating anymore.

 

Now this is my second go around with this mediator for child placement. I'm just going for 50/50... as if that's to much to ask?? My wife says 20/80 only weekends.

I did tell the mediator in the first session my wife is already with someone else, but not about the cheating. Just trying to feel it out... She didn't care about her having a boyfriend already. "Some people just move on faster than others"

 

I am just getting tired of all this, I'm broke and just want this over. Why I can't have 50/50 is beyond me?? But I have to keep proving myself.... while she does nothing.

 

I'm just losing the fight within. Just getting tired.

 

Maybe one last time, call her out for what she is.

A compulsive lying manipulating cheater. - and of no one cares, so be it.

 

Any advise?

[TheWoman]

The sexual relationship you had with your ex wife, and the sexual relationship she has with other people, is of no relevance to your child or any child. No child should ever be involved in these very adult issues.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Wrong. Infidelity and loss of morals DOES play a huge part in parenting. If not, then go ahead and let the little girls have babies in school, and let the boys end up in jail for theft and drugs. After all, with inconsistent parents, all's fair in love and war....

 

Yes, you recognize it is a no fault state, but childcare has no bearing. If you cannot come to an agreement, CPS can look at exterior factors...Then the infidelity can come into question. 50/50 would be a no brainer. If she got 20/80 with you on the weekends, then you get ALL holidays. Ding. Also, BF is gonna need a background check. Don't want any pedos moving in....Just sayin'

[carhill]

I'd focus on your positive aspects as a parent and go for 50/50 and spend your time teaching the children *your* moral code.

 

Sure, you can make the exW's infidelity thing the child custody hill you want to die on and feel pretty righteous about it but does that really go to what's in the best interests of the children? If your ex'es new partner can be demonstrated to be a clear and present danger to the health and well-being of the children, that's actionable. Of course, the health of the children comes first. If other, I'd let it go. Work on getting as much agreeable parent time as possible and live it to the full.

[Myasylum]

Your right, and she put the children right in the middle of this because of her own selfish actions.

She's put herself in front of her own children.

 

Lying, maniupling, her own children could and should be used against her. Cheating is not victimless and could cause detrimental harm to the children and into adulthood as they carry our relationships into thier adult lives.

 

Its not ok to not have their mothers coming home at 3 am

Its not ok to have a mother not come home at all. It's not ok to have them think, this is the "norm" and acceptable behavior and repete this bad behaviour to another human being down the road into adulthood.

[d0nnivain]

What does your EX's sex life have to do with the kids?

 

 

I'm sure you are understandably hurt by her infidelity. Part of you wants to "get her back" / extract revenge / make her hurt emotionally as badly as you are hurting. You think you can accomplish this by branding her with the scarlet letter of her affair.

 

 

Unless she is ignoring your children in favor of having sex with this guy or worse having sex with him in front of them, her affair has no impact on what is or is not in their best interests. If they are not being fed or she's forgotten to pick them up at school, by all means bring that to the mediator's attention but otherwise, take the high road, as tough as that will be

[Myasylum]

For the fact she wasn't hardly ever home the last 3 months of our marriage, kept lying about where she was not having food in the house because she was in charge of the money, and the food that was there was going bad because we never knew when she's come to prepare it. ect... ect... ect...

Having my kids ask me when she's coming home, and where she is....

 

Its not just about sex! It's about character.

It wasn't about then kids then, and I don't think it's about them now! There's a reason she wants to keep 20/80 and it's not because of them....

[d0nnivain]

Those care giving issues are legitimate things to be brought up but tread lightly. It doesn't matter as much about why she wasn't home (affair vs gambling vs. being in a bar vs. being a workaholic). The important fact is she wasn't there & her children weren't getting the nutrition or supervision they needed.

 

 

I'm not super clear on why there was no food in the house or the food in there went bad. Where were you in all of this? Why didn't you go to the store or cook meals?

[Myasylum]

like I mentioned... she had control of the money.

I was the cook in the house and normally had to wait to prepare the food till she came home so everyone had a warm meal and could eat together.

So around 7-8 or so I'd hobble some mac and cheese together for the kids.

Any good meal sat in the refrigerator because we were always waiting for her to come home... so it would spoil.

But yes, any money I did have I'd run and get soup or something to get by.

[TheWoman]

Definitely bring it up. Tell them how she wasn't there to cook for you and do the shopping and pay for it. Let them know how neglected you were. Tell them about your 'rights' over the children. Might want to think through how to explain that you couldn't manage then, but how now you can manage 50%. That'll all work out really well for you.

[kgcolonel]

My two cents for what it's worth:

 

Absentee mother due to:

"other interests"

Lack of stable role modeling

Inconsistent provider

Lack of veracity

 

Are all key issues when evaluating the fitness of a parent. Also, your son is now 15 and it is now critical for you to be able to teach him how to become a man. I may get a lot of flack on this but the mother is critical from birth to puberty but then it is time for the dad to teach manhood.

 

These are the ways I would suggest the topics be broached. I would leave out the "she's with another man" as that suggests the biased of "it's about you". You HAVE TO MAKE THIS ABOUT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR SON. If you don't stay on that track, you will lose credibility and lose your position.

[BaileyB]

If the purpose is to express your anger and hurt her, then the answer is no. That is not in the best interest of your children.

 

If you have concerns about her judgment or her ability to be a responsible, attentive parent for your children, then you may want to consider it. But, bring it forward only as it relates to your children and her ability to care for your children.

 

Indeed. If you make this about you and/or her infidelity during your marriage, you will lose your credibility.

[RecentChange]

like I mentioned... she had control of the money.

I was the cook in the house and normally had to wait to prepare the food till she came home so everyone had a warm meal and could eat together.

So around 7-8 or so I'd hobble some mac and cheese together for the kids.

Any good meal sat in the refrigerator because we were always waiting for her to come home... so it would spoil.

But yes, any money I did have I'd run and get soup or something to get by.

 

You should have put your children's interest first, and cooked dinner for them when they needed to eat it. If she was being so unreliable she can have leftovers.

 

I am puzzled by how your wife's behavior prevented you from being proactive for your children.

 

Cooking food before it spoiled would have made more sense then letting her control your ability to care for your children.

 

Would she disappear without calling and you would just make the kids wait for her or?

 

I say this as a child who was in a large part raised by a single dad. Yep mom started going off and doing her own thing - so he picked up the slack and made sure I was completely taken care of.

 

Their custody was legally 50/50 but in reality it was more of a 15/85 split, we me spending the vast majority of my time with my dad.

 

Where are the kids now most of the time?

[somanymistakes]

Has she been introducing the children to a string of new boyfriends? If so, then you can bring that up in negotiations, because that affects the children's well-being.

 

If her staying out super-late and not being there for the kids when they need her has been a problem, then you can mention that.

 

If you're just angry that she's a cheater and you're not being rewarded for being the good guy, then unfortunately, bringing it up is not likely to help. It can make you look Angry, which plays into a lot of people's preconceptions about divorced men being bad fathers. You want to look as loving and calm and mellow as possible.

[basil67]

You should have put your children's interest first, and cooked dinner for them when they needed to eat it. If she was being so unreliable she can have leftovers.

 

I am puzzled by how your wife's behavior prevented you from being proactive for your children.

 

Cooking food before it spoiled would have made more sense then letting her control your ability to care for your children.

 

Would she disappear without calling and you would just make the kids wait for her or?

 

I say this as a child who was in a large part raised by a single dad. Yep mom started going off and doing her own thing - so he picked up the slack and made sure I was completely taken care of.

 

Their custody was legally 50/50 but in reality it was more of a 15/85 split, we me spending the vast majority of my time with my dad.

 

Where are the kids now most of the time?

 

I'm seeing much the same in his old post here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/634982-what-happens-when-court-sees-your-upside-your-bills

 

Myasylum's children were being financially supported by his wife's family. He seemed to have little knowledge or care about what happened with the money which came in. He seemed very passive in regards to his family life.

 

Myasylum, are you working and providing for your children now? If not, why not?

[Myasylum]

this was over 3 months, not 15 years.

 

Yes... she'd tell me she'd be home at 6:00 and show up whenever. I cooked food to eat as a family.

Not not 1 of us or 3 of us... all of us!

 

I was the one there for them. I cooked the food for them before bed, and I was the one the put them to bed.

 

I put them first, I didn't leave them to fend for themselves.

 

And I thank God daily I am NOT like her!

 

I have 1 son 100% of the time the other I'm struggling 50/50 For. I'm doing this because I love my children.

She's doing this for herself.

[RecentChange]

Do you work OP?

 

As for dinners.... You could have cooked for everyone and left her plate in the frig. That's what some busy families are forced to do. Or if you are on a budget, cook in bulk and have leftovers.

 

Just letting food spoil because you weren't sure what time she would be home was not very proactive, or make economic sense.

[Cullenbohannon]

Definitely bring it up. Tell them how she wasn't there to cook for you and do the shopping and pay for it. Let them know how neglected you were. Tell them about your 'rights' over the children. Might want to think through how to explain that you couldn't manage then, but how now you can manage 50%. That'll all work out really well for you.

 

What a mean and spiteful post. Was that really necessary?

 

Never give up on your child OP. Now a days, if the court can see a way for 50/50, they will go for it. Show strength and determination and things will go your way.

 

That is who you are and what a Father should do.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Myasylum]

Agreed, it was mean spirited and spiteful.

Its like my "wife's" boyfriend posted it himself.

 

Its people like him that give my wife excuses to continue her behavior. She has enough excuses of her own, trust me.

 

Of course I work.

 

Come home at 5, wife comes home at 5:30. I Prepare food at as a family at 6 as we all have a warm home cooked dinner... till she decided the grass was greener, not knowing when sure be home.

[MidwestUSA]

Won't a fifteen and eighteen year old have some say so in who they stay with?

 

And why aren't two kids of this age helping out with cooking and being 'put to bed'? Mac n cheese, really? They've been financially taken care of by their mother's parents, and you don't know to what extent?

 

They're old enough to start helping themselves, and I'm sure they know what their mother is up to.

[S2B]

Any respectable parent has every right to ask for 50/50.

 

Just keep making it clear that's what you expect... and that's what you'll agree to.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, at 15 and 18 years of age this really isn't a child protection issue. Certainly not in the way it would be if they were 5 and 8 years old.

 

Does staying out and missing dinner make her a sh***y mother, yes. But from a legal position, your arguement that her infidelity has caused her to be negligent or put your children at risk isn't a very strong arguement.

Edited November 17, 2017 by BaileyB

[RecentChange]

Yeah I didn't know about the 15 and 18 year old part.

 

Both my parents taught me to cook, and by the time I was 17 and driving my dad sent me to the grocery store with a budget. I did our grocery shopping and prepared many dinners.

 

Wonderful skill to have, which I was thankful for once I went away to college and saw how clueless many kids were.

 

So yes, preparing them Mac and cheese because real dinner couldn't be cooked is quite confusing.

[Myasylum]

I think you guys are missing the point.

 

The mother wasn't home.... by the time I figured out she wasn't coming home that day, it was to late for a full fledged meal, so I'd end up making something simple. I'd save the rest hoping she be there there the next day... which she wouldn't, and a pattern that would follow though the next three months.

Meanwhile the whole time, hearing... where's mom? When she coming home?

 

And yes, the 18 year old (was 17) figured it out.

 

The 15 year old... not so much. He protects her.

 

Both kids were (are) still in school so placement for both children are still necessary.

 

The idea that children are old enough to decide where they live at 15 is a myth. Yes, they have a say so... but ultimately the court decides if the parents can't make an agreement.

 

So for her to say she suddenly cares about the kids now, and I shouldn't be allowed 50/50?! I'm just not buying that. It's still not about the kids, it's still is about her as it's always been.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Myasylum

[doyathinkso]

Lest we forget, the lion's share of child molestations are committed by Mommy's 'new boyfriend'.