Got burned after forgiving my GF for cheating

[sdraw108]

Hi,

 

I've been a member for a few years but as I've been in (what I thought was) a stable relationship for that time, this will be my first time posting a problem of my own. Apologies for the length, but I feel like I need to set out what has happened to me, for my own peace of mind.

 

I've been an idiot. I know that what I've done goes against any kind of sensible advice that anyone would give, and I've repeatedly ignored issues which I know should have sent me running. I'm hoping that posting my story and reading the replies will help with my grieving process. Minor details (e.g. names and places) changed to help preserve privacy.

 

Background

 

I met a girl through OLD in early 2013. She was 21, I was 30. I wasn't seeking such a big age gap, but she messaged me first and we instantly established a great rapport in our messages. In my experience that is extremely rare for OLD. Advice that I read on here at the time mostly said to avoid large age gaps, but I proceeded anyway.

 

There were a few white lies at the beginning. Little details that she invented or changed. All about things that she was worried would make me think less of her, so she made them sound better. She came clean after a couple of months, and was overall honest with me for the next few years. We bonded quickly. She stayed at mine so often that her moving in was just a confirmation of the de facto status. After a couple of months I helped her move her stuff from her parents' house where she'd been living.

 

First breakup

 

A few months in, we went away for a weekend and had a really nice time. The next day, she broke up with me. It was classic GIGS (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome). She told me things such as "I don't know who I am", "I need to find myself", "I really like you but I think we should break up", etc. I was disappointed, and told her I thought she was being silly and making a mistake. A couple of days later, she had a change of heart and we got back together.

 

We stayed together for the next 4 years, with plenty of ups and downs as all relationships do, but we had plans for the future and loved each other a great deal.

 

Current situation

 

Over the summer she began flirting with a girl (she is bisexual), who lives in another country (let's say Spain), that she met on some kind of blogging app. Let's call the girl Alice. I returned from a family holiday and she told me that she had "fallen in love" with Alice, but still loved me. During a drunken evening, Alice booked a flight to visit my GF here a month or so later.

 

We went through a difficult couple of weeks culminating in a joint visit to her mum, who talked sense into her. She claimed she realized it was just a silly crush, and that what she felt for me was real. I decided to give her another chance. We agreed that she would change her phone number, block Alice, lock herself out of her Facebook account for a few months, etc. Basically we sat down and listed every possible way Alice could communicate with her, and took measures to make sure it couldn't happen anymore. She assured me we had covered all bases, and that Alice had blocked her anyway, as she was annoyed about being messed around.

 

I gave her the excellent guide on the infidelity forum to read (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know) and told her I wanted her to take it seriously if we were going to be able to fix things. For the next few weeks, we struggled. She never read the guide properly, even after I repeatedly told her that this obvious lack of willingness to put in such a small effort was upsetting me. She was hot and cold with her affection towards me, often talking about "needing space". She went to stay with her parents for days at a time at regular intervals.

 

Fast forward to September. I was away for the weekend on a business trip. Under normal circumstances she'd be looking forward to seeing me on my return, but in the early afternoon of the Sunday, she messaged me to say she was going to stay with her mum for a night. I later found out that she didn't want to face seeing me that evening because she knew what she was about to do. The next day I didn't hear from her, so I messaged her asking what she was up to. She replied saying that her grandmother had come over and they had gone for lunch. I sensed that something wasn't right. I also had a sneaking suspicion as this was around the date I remembered the flight had been booked for.

 

Sure enough, the bombshell hit shortly afterwards. She had found a way to contact Alice, who had taken the flight, and they were now driving up and down the country visiting places. Over the course of the next 10 days I was subjected to all sorts of details, apologies, hot/cold behaviour, declarations of undying love followed by "I don't know what I want". They even flew to another country for a few days. She would promise to call me, then fail to do so, over and over. To pay for the trip she took money from a savings account that we had set up, and that I had funded. The money had been intended to purchase a property in the future.

 

At various points during her trip, she had sent me messages saying it was all a terrible mistake, she's not in love with Alice, and asking if I can ever forgive her. When she returned, she told me she was in love with Alice after all and those messages had just been based on momentary feelings. Over the next few weeks she was back and forth between our home and her parents, and her feelings towards our relationship were back and forth as well.

 

This is where my stupidity really kicked in. Giving a second chance is a questionable decision, but how about a third or a fourth? My GF decided that it had been a mistake, and that she wanted to be with me. I told her that this had caused a deep rift between us, and a lot of pain and lost trust, and that it would take months or more of hard work, but that I was willing to give it another go. The blocking would need to be re-done, including the additional method of communication. I made clear that I considered her use of my money that I had set aside for our future to be theft, and that she would have to make that right as well.

 

Things seemed to improve a little at first, but quickly we were back to the usual "needing space", being distant, showing disinterest in talks about future plans. I called her out on it a few times, and told her that I suspected she was still talking to Alice. She assured me adamantly that she was not.

 

About a week ago she stayed with her mum again. I got a message saying that she had taken more money from the savings account and had bought a flight to visit Alice in Spain. At this point I started trying to remove myself from the situation: arranging to see friends more often, browsing online dating sites (more for the distraction than any serious intent to date so soon), looking up group based activities e.g. Meetup.com, and generally trying to put myself into the frame of mind of being broken up.

 

The flight was on Monday evening. She persuaded me (reluctantly, after a lot of pressure) to let her see me that day. She told me that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but really needs to "see Spain" and "have an adventure". I told her that this was BS: she could easily see Spain and have an adventure without having to meet up with Alice. We had previously had plans to visit Spain together anyway, and if she had wanted a solo trip I would have been supportive. She said she was torn about what to do. I told her that I wasn't sure there was anything left in our relationship anyway.

 

She called me from the airport to say that she couldn't go through with it. I picked her up. The stupidity kicked in again, and I said that we could see how things go for a while, and that she could try to convince me through her actions that she was serious and worthy of trust again.

 

If you've read this far, then thanks for bearing with me. The story is coming to an end now. Last night she went to stay with her mum, supposedly. I got a bit of a suspicious vibe from her. Her phone was off throughout the night and next morning (Whatsapp messages weren't going through). Finally I got a text at 2.45pm today saying that she is in Mexico, that she's sorry, but she had to do this. I have no idea how she paid for it this time, because the savings account has been emptied. She's since sent me a bunch of messages and I've told her that I'm not interested in hearing her explanations and apologies. I've blocked her on Whatsapp. She's also sent me a few SMS and I will block that too if she keeps it up.

 

Conclusion

 

I've been a total idiot. Against my better judgment I have gone back multiple with forgiveness and extra chances. The behaviour and the lies have been the same every time, and so have the assurances that it was "really over this time" and that I could "trust her" now. I've not even managed to tell my friends and family the whole story, because I knew that they would tell me to do what my brain knows but my heart doesn't: walk away and don't look back. I'm also a little embarrassed.

 

Now I'm faced with all those emotions and thoughts that everyone goes through in these kind of situations. Asking myself how someone who cared about me could do something so horrendous. Asking why she felt the need to be so deceitful about it. Feelings of abandonment, loss, anger, sadness. Missing her and wanting her back even though I know it's not right. Struggling to do trivial daily tasks and focus on work. Depression at the thought of having to go back to the world of dating. Worried about my future and whether I'll have time now to meet the right person to start a family with (at 35 it feels like this will only get harder). But mostly it's the waves of overwhelming pain that hit me regularly even though I try to keep them at bay, and try to focus on other things.

 

Thanks for reading.

[BarbedFenceRider]

psychotic. Narcissistic. Borderline. These three words will haunt you till you die now. Yes, you blundered into a toxic relationship and got stung. These guides here on LS are good at looking for positive relationships before hand, not after. lol

 

Make sure you spend some time knowing yourself and learning about abusive behavior in relationships. A little coaching is cool too. NEVER get property, get married or have a kid with these types of people. Just be glad that you got burned with a small joint savings and not your retirement and racked up huge debt.

 

Live and learn. Move along and notice the good ones waiting for you. Sorry bud.

[Space Ritual]

Wow,

 

Never feel bad for being human. We all want to fall in love and have a fairlytale romance and an ending that fits.

 

You loved someone who didn't really love you back, and basically saw you as a walking checkbook.

 

Many of us have done that against our better judgement.No shame in that, you are among good company.

 

My advice to you would be to

 

 

1)Cancel any joint account and stash the money away. If you can't trust your GF with her Vagina you sure as hell can't trust her with money, As you are discovering.

 

2) Box up all her things, set them on the porch, and advise one of her friends to come pick it up. If she has furniture that needs to be moved, then tell her to set aside a 2 hour block of time in which she can reappear in order to have her stuff moved out. And give her 30 days to do it. If she hasn't gotten the stuff in 30 days, burn it with extreme prejudice. If she tries to balk, then simply tell her that she is free to travel all she wants, just not as your GF and not on your dime

 

3) After she gets her stuff out, delete her from your life. And that means any form of communication. Email, phone, social media. Block her and avoid this one like a Bad fart in a Truck Stop.

 

4) Forgive yourself. This is probably the most important thing in all of my advice. You must understand the only thing you are guilty of is being a human being.

 

I just want to tell you that in my experience in relationships over the last 30 years or so, that people like your GF tend to move from incident to incident seemingly with little consequence. And it may seem unfair. For now.

 

Usually however, time, fate and their arrogance usually catch up with them when they can least afford it.

 

Sounds to me like she will be one of those girls that is going to play with fire with the wrong person and eventually end up getting a Tuneup by a boyfriend who won;t put up with that stuff. A sad fate, but at the rate she is going, getting slapped around in the future by somebody who isn't so understanding as you seem to be is pretty much a certainty. You don't want to be around for that.

 

But again, if you take my advice she'll be somebody else's problem. And THAT, young man is the goal..for her to be somebody else's problem

 

Good Luck

Edited November 17, 2017 by Space Ritual

[Chi townD]

Yup! Sorry dude. But, the same things you applied to "blocking Alice" you need to do for your Ex.

 

I mean, come on! She stole your money to finance her affair! Now, you have to start from scratch!

 

Don't even listen to the BS. And she's going to try to come at you with a lot of it. Why? Because Alice is going back to wherever the hell she came from and YOU are safe and secure! A dude that has his sh*t together.

 

Time to move on dude. She has to be dead to you right now. If she says that "Alice" was a mistake, well that's a mistake that she will have to live with because you don't have to.