Need positive vibes!

[Scoutjr]

Sorry to post another thread, but feeling a little blue today and somewhat needy (yes, I admit it).

 

Feel like text ex MM but I know it won’t make me feel better. Give me strength, please!

 

Much appreciated!

[amaysngrace]

Go buy yourself a nice present with the money you won't be spending on him this Christmas!

[Scoutjr]

Ha! We’ve never exchanged gifts!!

[amaysngrace]

Even better!

Now there's no predetermined price limit to adhere to

[Birdies]

Text a couple friends or family members! That always makes me feel better Hugs to you. And you're right, texting the dude will just open up a giant can of worms that will only spiral you down. Be good to yourself, don't do it!

[Willow Woman]

Don't text him. You will get the temporary high, you will stalk your phone, and then you will feel horrible when he doesn't answer. Hide your phone and distract yourself. Go the the gym or take a walk. Exercise helps change brain chemicals.

[Hurtinlove]

This thread is helping me immensely today. I'm a send button away from texting MM. Don't know what's gotten into me. I was doing great for 9 months NC. Suddenly I'm getting desperate and going nuts!

[deadsoul]

Put your phone away and go hike or exercise. I swear, it works.

[Scoutjr]

Thanks everyone. I’m at work, and this is the hardest time for me because I’m not busy enough!!! I’m actively loving king for a new job!

[Scoutjr]

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, too!! I hope I make it to nine months! The only thing keeping me from texting is that I don’t want to start the clock again! It’s been three weeks.

[Cullenbohannon]

I am getting married soon. I have no position on your situation, or the morality of it, but i would like to post.on the subject of effort.

 

All my workfields have always been majority male. One of the things that is truly inspiring is when a woman comes into the fold and makes her mark. The shine in her eyes is dazzling when she accomplish that what she did not think she could.

 

It is easy to reach the low hanging fruit, but your shine and sparkle will come from accomplishing the difficult. Doing that which seems impossibly hard.

 

Try looking at it as a series of accomplishments. 1 week NC, 1 month NC, 1 year NC. Getting thru a trigger. Getting past that one day when the urge is overbearing. Each one is a victory. Dig deep. Do the difficult. Change the way you think and change your life.

 

Hopefully that was a positive vibe.

Edited November 18, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Scoutjr]

Cullenbohannon

 

Thank you! Yes, this is very helpful. I am holding strong, and I am looking at it as a series of accomplishments like you said. Next week with be 30 days, then I hope to make it through all of November!

[Cullenbohannon]

When you hit your 30, post about it and have a glass of champagne. When we read it, we will have a cold beer and a shot of tequila on you.

 

Happy Holidays

[Scoutjr]

Challenge accepted!! This really helps!

[Cullenbohannon]

The forum is really dark. We may need to go away. We need some positive vibes

How are you Scout. What are your doing?

 

Catherine

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Sorry to post another thread, but feeling a little blue today and somewhat needy (yes, I admit it).

 

Feel like text ex MM but I know it won’t make me feel better. Give me strength, please!

 

Much appreciated!

 

You only live once. If you both are still interested in each other, why not text? What made you leave him or vice versa?

[Scoutjr]

Cullenbohannon,

 

Not sure how to respond to you directly! But yes, I agree, this forum is dark. But I guess a lot of us are going through some darks times. I certainly have found myself in a place I never expected! That said, I need to move on. I need to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying. Through all of this, I’ve realized that what I’m really craving is connection. I’m not getting it in my marriage or in my job. Because I have a long commute for my job, I feel disconnected from my friends in town and am not as involved as I used to be. I guess I feel deeply lonely and I don’t know how to fix it. I am in therapy and I am trying very hard to get a new job, but theses things take time, and I’m getting impatient!

 

Thank you for checking on me. MM did contact me last week. He sent me some meaningless text about a movie. We hadn’t texted for a few weeks, so I really think he was just checking to see if I was around. I responded, but now I wish I hadn’t. Anyway, going back to NC. Last text was day before Thanksgiving.

[Cullenbohannon]

It is good to hear from you. We didn't think you would have zero contact especially during the holidays, so we are ready for that shot (see avatar)

 

Anyways, If you want to put the MM out of your head for a bit, try to enjoy every second of the Holidays. Focus a little more on the spirit of it all. Give of your time and hang some extra lights. Buy yourself a gift. Make a present or two for family. Forgive a old friend from long ago. Buy your tree if you haven't done so. Breathe the cool air. Just enjoy it all. Focus on the negative later.

 

All this is pointless, if you are Muslim.

 

A toast to your effort and a sincere Happy Holidays to you and to my girls favorite poster.

Deadsoul, we hope you read this advice and have a couple of shots also.

 

Take care all. C and C

Edited November 29, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[jah526]

I guess I feel deeply lonely and I don’t know how to fix it.

 

I'm struggling with the same thing. But nothing new really, I've felt lonely for a lot of my life. That's one of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go - he kept dangling this "friendship" carrot, and probably he could see how lonely I was. I felt like I was cutting off a lifeline when I ended it.

 

But now, I'm around 5 months no contact (well, limited, I still see him occasionally). I am slowly trying to reach out to others and have had some success. I'm also trying to be ok with being alone. It's honestly really nice to be around people who just like to hang out with you, with no games, no criticisms, no projection, no lies. But it feels a little weird to me too, almost like it's too easy, if that makes sense.

 

I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.

[Vivir]

Hello all!

 

For me, curbing my loneliness most recently has included

- leaning into the fact that I am alone and deciding to get to know me better but also reaching out to people slowly, like Jah

- reading TerKeurst's Uninvited and journaling about it

- coloring in an adult coloring book - this really takes my mind somewhere else

- writing notes to friends and family in Christmas cards

- planning activities for weekends in December

- planning which Christmas movies to watch and on what days (I currently want to watch Home Alone and Charlie Brown)

 

The activities I have cued up for December include

- Christmas dinner! My aunt is cooking, and I love her pies and the fact that I simply have to show up!

- attending a tree lighting ceremony in the city square followed by a mini bazaar

- attending a Christmas-themed martini tasting party (went to this two years ago by myself and WILL do it again if no one else decides to go)

- finally going to this weekly event listed as one of the top things to do in my city on TripAdvisor... (WILL go alone if I have to, see above)

- attending an outdoor Christmas venue that includes s'mores by the fire, light shows, etc. (would suck to do alone, but... oh well - see above)

 

This is pretty much the extent of my effort so far.

 

Hope it helps

[BourneWicked]

Vivir, great list!

 

I'm struggling with the same thing. But nothing new really, I've felt lonely for a lot of my life. That's one of the reasons it was so hard for me to let go - he kept dangling this "friendship" carrot, and probably he could see how lonely I was. I felt like I was cutting off a lifeline when I ended it.

 

But now, I'm around 5 months no contact (well, limited, I still see him occasionally). I am slowly trying to reach out to others and have had some success. I'm also trying to be ok with being alone. It's honestly really nice to be around people who just like to hang out with you, with no games, no criticisms, no projection, no lies. But it feels a little weird to me too, almost like it's too easy, if that makes sense.

 

I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.

 

 

I get this Jah... my situation is similar. Honestly, even my "no game" friends probably toe the line of personality disorders. This is probably because people who build entire worlds in their heads and live their lives on a roller coaster of emotions are more interesting because they're similar to me. I get them. Hanging out with "normals" feels weird because I know I tend to be overly emotional, distrustful of people (there's a term for it - neurotic... I'm much less so than I once was though) and have questionable emotional stability. It seems to easy because there's a history of those rollercoaster relationships, and the level relationships (which can be great!) just don't have the draw. I think this takes time though.. eventually those better relationships will build.

 

Not sure if any of that resonates, but yeah. The MM I know doesn't show many his true self either.

[Vivir]

Thanks BourneWicked!

 

I wonder sometimes if he wasn't lonely too. After all, who can he show his real self to? I'm probably the only one who knows.

 

I found myself struggling with this, too, very recently.

 

Jah, I am encouraging you and anyone who feels anything remotely close to this sentiment you posted above to go on over to niteandfog's thread and read the response by MidnightBlue posted on 11/29 (#314).

 

Even though I had basically come to terms with all that MB had written, it still hurt to read it and was like a (needed?) kick to the gut. I mean, I felt kicked at first, but I immediately reversed my thinking and began focusing on myself again instead...

[jah526]

Thanks BourneWicked!

 

 

 

I found myself struggling with this, too, very recently.

 

Jah, I am encouraging you and anyone who feels anything remotely close to this sentiment you posted above to go on over to niteandfog's thread and read the response by MidnightBlue posted on 11/29 (#314).

 

Even though I had basically come to terms with all that MB had written, it still hurt to read it and was like a (needed?) kick to the gut. I mean, I felt kicked at first, but I immediately reversed my thinking and began focusing on myself again instead...

 

I read it but I don't really think it applies to my situation. I knew my relationship with him wasn't special or lasting. I knew he loved his wife, and with a second baby, was probably feeling the lack of attention from her.

 

I think I'm mainly lamenting the fact that he and I couldn't have just been friends, because I think friendship goes a long way towards helping with loneliness. I know people will say that men and women can't be friends, but I do have a friendly relationship with a number of male colleagues. I don't see any of them outside of work though and maybe that's the difference.

 

I do fault myself in part for that. I should never have accepted his invitation to do something with him outside of work without other people present. Lesson learned.

[BourneWicked]

 

I think I'm mainly lamenting the fact that he and I couldn't have just been friends, because I think friendship goes a long way towards helping with loneliness. I know people will say that men and women can't be friends, but I do have a friendly relationship with a number of male colleagues. I don't see any of them outside of work though and maybe that's the difference.

 

 

Oh Jah, this is what keeps me up at night. This is what makes me jealous of other people in his life. That this line was crossed, I screwed this up, and everybody but me I work with has an above-the-table ability to be friends with this funny, clever, mostly wonderful person.

 

Yes, I think men and women can be friends. I have a couple male friends I absolutely trust not to cross that line - and I trust myself never to cross that line with them. I see myself being friends with them (and their wives) decades from now.

 

Regrets... and lessons for "next time." I do try to console myself that - I never thought I'd meet someone like this, or feel like this again. Now that I've learned that this can happen when you let your guard down, I think I'm in a better place not to ruin future friendships, and to guard my boundaries with the mental equivalent of an electric fence. Because I would have enjoyed this for always if I could have just kept it just that, a friendship.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh Jah, this is what keeps me up at night. This is what makes me jealous of other people in his life. That this line was crossed, I screwed this up, and everybody but me I work with has an above-the-table ability to be friends with this funny, clever, mostly wonderful person.

 

Yes, I think men and women can be friends. I have a couple male friends I absolutely trust not to cross that line - and I trust myself never to cross that line with them. I see myself being friends with them (and their wives) decades from now.

 

 

I don't think men and women can be friends. I think women greatly enjoy having male friends, there are a lot of benefits for us, but men will really only be friends with a woman for the hope that one day he will sleep with her. That's it really. That's not to say men don't like women as people, we can be friendly over things like business, sports, kids stuff - but if a guy is contacting you all the time, it's pretty much for one thing only. If he's single, he likes you and if he's married, he's bored and/or wants to sleep with you.

 

It's taken me a long time to accept this. Think about what you said - you trust yourself to not cross that line (and that's good, you shouldn't trust them) but if a person is just a friend, you really would not even be thinking that thought. Know what I mean?