Need positive vibes!

[Poppy47]

I don't think men and women can be friends. I think women greatly enjoy having male friends, there are a lot of benefits for us, but men will really only be friends with a woman for the hope that one day he will sleep with her. That's it really. That's not to say men don't like women as people, we can be friendly over things like business, sports, kids stuff - but if a guy is contacting you all the time, it's pretty much for one thing only. If he's single, he likes you and if he's married, he's bored and/or wants to sleep with you.

 

It's taken me a long time to accept this. Think about what you said - you trust yourself to not cross that line (and that's good, you shouldn't trust them) but if a person is just a friend, you really would not even be thinking that thought. Know what I mean?

 

I have to agree here. That is why women prefer other women for friendships. No pressure.

POppy.

[jah526]

I both agree and disagree.

 

I agree that if a man is contacting you all the time wanting to do things alone with you, then yes, he wants you.

 

But I get along quite well with the men at work. We talk, we go out to lunch. But I'm never alone with them, the talk never gets "intimate" like it would with a female friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, and we don't contact each other outside of work. I still consider them friends, but maybe that's not the right word for it. Friendly colleagues?

 

This is what I had with MM too. We used to talk all the time and joke around, and it helped the time go by faster. I miss the "friendly colleague" relationship we once had. It was when I started doing things with him alone outside of work that things got hairy. But you're right, he was contacting me frequently. It was a mistake giving him my number.

[Cullenbohannon]

QUOTE=Scoutjr;7477277]Cullenbohannon,

 

Not sure how to respond to you directly! But yes, I agree, this forum is dark. But I guess a lot of us are going through some darks times. I certainly have found myself in a place I never expected! That said, I need to move on. I need to make a lot of changes in my life, and I am trying. Through all of this, I’ve realized that what I’m really craving is connection. I’m not getting it in my marriage or in my job. Because I have a long commute for my job, I feel disconnected from my friends in town and am not as involved as I used to be. I guess I feel deeply lonely and I don’t know how to fix it. I am in therapy and I am trying very hard to get a new job, but theses things take time, and I’m getting impatient!

 

Thank you for checking on me. MM did contact me last week. He sent me some meaningless text about a movie. We hadn’t texted for a few weeks, so I really think he was just checking to see if I was around. I responded, but now I wish I hadn’t. Anyway, going back to NC. Last text was day before Thanksgiving.

 

When you look at this a second time, there is a deeper message. You may be where you should be, mentally. You recognize this isnt about a particular AP, but what is missing in your life. You describe the APs text as meaningless. You are lonely in your marriage and unfulfilled in your work. You have a long boring work commute. You feel disconnected from your freinds. You know you need to move on and make changes in your life.

 

Your life appears to be the problem. (That doesn't let you off the hook for the affair) Try not to focus on ALL of it at once. Continue your work search. The AP is a short term fix. Stop doing that drug. Time and effort will put you in a better place. Rest. Give yourself a little break this holiday season.

 

You are changing the way you think. This will change your life. In the meantime, it is your responsibility to give yourself some "positive vibes".

[minimariah]

Yes, I think men and women can be friends.

 

true BUT - one important detail - when there isn’t any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely aren’t attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

 

that being said, i don’t think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think that’s just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish you’d have him as a friend... at least. but i don’t think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldn’t be stopped.

[BourneWicked]

MidnightBlue, I think you are right to a degree - that I shouldn't have to think about it. But I only think about it in context to the affair. My definitive answer to anything with my male friends is no, no matter what, no matter where, no thank you.

 

true BUT - one important detail - when there isn’t any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely aren’t attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

 

that being said, i don’t think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think that’s just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish you’d have him as a friend... at least. but i don’t think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldn’t be stopped.

 

 

Agree to this -

 

I do truly think men and women can be friends. I do think the biggest factor here is that the woman has zero attraction to the man. A friend of mine once said - all your male coworkers want to sleep with you. Probably mostly true. I went a decade + without that ever happening, so why this one?

 

So I think the number one part is that the woman is NOT interested (as they say women are the "gatekeepers" of sex. Feel free to picture gatekeeper and keymaster a la ghostbusters. Tho - Sigourney Weaver's character wasn't great at friending in that movie). I think the number two thing is that anything that happens is open to both spouses/significant others - there's no hiding. And this is how it's always been with my male friends.

 

I think men and women can be friends if they both recognize that the sex question is there, but they guard that boundary because the non-sexual relationship is too special to screw up. I think it's possible, this might be idealistic and delusional as I've been wrong before...

 

It's all about self-control and boundaries, every day. Ideally, that's what makes the difference between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom.

[BourneWicked]

true BUT - one important detail - when there isn’t any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely aren’t attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

 

that being said, i don’t think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think that’s just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish you’d have him as a friend... at least. but i don’t think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldn’t be stopped.

 

And back to this one more time - yeah this one I don't think I ever could have stayed friends with. This is the closest thing to love at first sight I've ever had. In fact - when I came back to work in his department I thought "oh I'll see him again!" and shooed that nonsense because I hadn't seen or talked to him in years (and even prior had conversations with him just a handful of times).

 

So yeah, not a snowball's chance in hell for he and I to be friends. But, I could have listened when my gut said, "run. this one can hurt you."

 

Valid thought here - instead of denying you're attracted to someone just because you're in a relationship, listen to that and decide what you're going to do to guard yourself and protect your relationship.

[Scoutjr]

Hi all,

 

I just typed a long update, but somehow I lost it so I will try to recreate it.

 

Anyway, for those of you who might remember me, I am a MW who got involved with a MM after a work event. I was drinking, not thinking too clearly and wound up sleeping with him. I thought that was it, but he started texting me, “love bombing” me, etc. Over the course of two years we broke up and got back “together” three times. This last time over the summer he texted me from vacation to break up with me, saying he had to focus on work and home life but he was up for having coffee next time he was in my city. We did wind up having coffee, just coffee. I wanted to tell him so many things, but never did. We were sporadically in touch over the past several months. He would say some weird things trying to pull me back in, and I admit, it did have that effect.

 

The last time I text him was in early December. Said I had some things to talk to him about. I didn’t really pour out my heart, but I did tell him some things that were important to me and that I thought affected our relationship. I got no response. At first I was sad, then angry. But then something interesting happened. I felt like if he doesn’t care enough to respond to some deep feelings, then he really doesn’t care about me at all. Why am I doing this dance of walking on egg shells if he just doesn’t care. I have always thought he had narcissistic tendencies. But this kind of sealed the deal for me. Now I know he just used me for “fuel” as HG Tudor says on his blog “Knowing the Narcissist.” (http://www.narcsite.com).

 

It will be one month of NC on Jan. 4. I had texted him a work question about a job and his response was so short it kind of snapped me out of this fog of putting him on a pedestal. I was tempted to text him during the holidays, but then I thought “What if he’s blocked me?” or “What if I don’t get the response I want?.” I really had to force myself to ask “Will I feel better or worse if I text him?” I can’t think of one time where I thought I’d feel better. I know it’s been said hundreds of times, but NC really is the best way.

 

Happy New Year to all. Thank you for the support. I am feeling great right now, but, I realize I am a bit of an addict (drama addict maybe). I can’t say I’ll stay on the wagon, but I am going to try!

[BourneWicked]

Hey Scout, good job! You and I also have a similar story with the work event and big fat mistake... heck without further details your MM could be mine (would not shock me ). Similar thing - I think he likes the idea of keeping me interested and available next time he's in town.

 

I think in my case he's also a narcissist, though a covert one as he's said things about not even liking himself, but clearly chases supply from wherever he can get it.

 

Cheers to a fresh start in 2018! Because I am also an addict, I'm going to focus very hard on getting back into my other addictions - running, reading, writing, home renovations... just have to get that switch flipped back the other direction when it comes to him. I'm glad you're feeling good. I like the days when I go almost the entirety without even thinking about him.

[Scoutjr]

Yes, here's to healthy addictions!!! I sent you a message bournewicked.

[BourneWicked]

I tried to respond but don't know if it went... anyway it's nice to hear from others in a similar situation.

 

I've got a busy week ahead, started a workout regimen with my workout buddy and have a couple activities during the week.

 

However, tomorrow is back to work and back to contact. Not looking forward to it... if I cannot resolve my internal struggle, I do think the ultimate solution is for me to look for work at a different company.

[whichwayisup]

of putting him on a pedestal.

 

Don't put any man on a pedestal!

 

Good that you see reality and the fog has lifted. Make 2018 the year of healing and putting yourself first, making healthy choices that lead to better things in your life.

[Scoutjr]

Hi BourneWicked,

 

I didn’t get your message, thanks for trying! I’m glad you have a busy week coming up. I find that keeping busy definitely helps.

 

I don’t know how I’d feel if I worked with Ex-mm. Our relationship was long distance and I never really saw him outside of our bubble. Maybe it wasn’t a relationship at all.

 

Yes, it definitely helps to talk to others. I’m here if you need me!