Marriage "too stable?"

[S2B]

This thread is odd feeling - I don't see that the OP wants help to change this - it's more like another ego boost/bragging arena about how her OM is pursuing her.

 

Feels like high school bragging.

 

How old are you?

[aliveagain]

I have to agree with others, this relationship is going to go on until she is discovered. Most of her posts are about the other man and her feelings for him. I don't see this ending well for her and if I have to find some positive in this mess then it would be the fact that she and her husband have no children, he will be free to walk away from the relationship. Most men will walk from a relationship with infidelity when there are no children involved, just read on this site and see it happen time and time again. Just my opinion, why waste any more time pretending to be a wife, you've already wasted 9 years. Set your husband free, he's still young, in his 30's, he can still have children with someone that wants to be with him.

[Marriedow]

That's why they call it a "fog" isn't it? Because people can't seem to think clearly through it. If you see in my op and title that's why i came here to this forum. To make sense of the emotions i feel. This is my first time to ever do this. Like i said i had no intention of destroying my vows when i said them. I got too close to someone and fell. I do understand it is my responsibility not to have even gone that close. But here i am now.

 

I know most replies i have gotten here are from BS. And i am sorry for all the pain you went through. I appreciate the words harsh as they may be to try and make me see the consequences it would bring to my family.

 

I did not come here to brag. Is this even something to brag about? I was describing how attached I've become to him. And of course that includes missing him. I don't know. I guess i just needed to vent and read about how people go through this thing.

[Marriedow]

Marriedow who is the primary earner in your marriage?

 

Who makes more income: the OM or your BH?

 

I make a tad bit more than BS. Maybe 10% more. He and OM, i would say at about the same income. May i ask the relevance?

[stillafool]

I am glad to hear from someone who knows almost exaclty what i am going through. It's so hard to handle these emotions. Maybe in the future i can control my actions but what i'm scared the most of are the emotions. What if i regret ending it? How will i cope with that? But then again, you are right it could implode and i lose them both. And that's something i will have to cope with too. On top of that i would have to deal with the hurt my DH would feel. I wish there was an easier way. The most logical choice is to end it, go NC and all that. But god, it's way eaiser said than done.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how did your situation end up?

 

Why do you have to have a man? If you are married to one and having an affair with the other but afraid of losing them both; why do you have to have either? Divorce, date who you want and chose to settle down with a man you want to be with without cheating. You sound co-dependent. LS can't help you but

[stillafool]

Why do you have to have a man? If you are married to one and having an affair with the other but afraid of losing them both; why do you have to have either? Divorce, date who you want and chose to settle down with a man you want to be with without cheating. You sound co-dependent. LS can't help you but

 

The system went down before I could finish my sentence. I was saying.....

 

LS can't help but perhaps individual counseling with a professional can help you. It seems that you make enough money to be on your own.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hypergamy, monkey branching and her age to "hit the wall" status. All play a part in her narcissistic behaviour. BS is the plan B if the OM disappears. It allows a outside normalcy which she shows to others. Then, rides the "carousel" and plays TV romance with the other dude. He makes less than her, even just a little bit. Subconsciously, she sees BS as inferior and easily "controlled". Bonobos status. Either way, it's evil all the way around and she is part of the problem in today's society and the pain in it...

[aliveagain]

That's why they call it a "fog" isn't it? Because people can't seem to think clearly through it. If you see in my op and title that's why i came here to this forum. To make sense of the emotions i feel. This is my first time to ever do this. Like i said i had no intention of destroying my vows when i said them. I got too close to someone and fell. I do understand it is my responsibility not to have even gone that close. But here i am now.

 

I know most replies i have gotten here are from BS. And i am sorry for all the pain you went through. I appreciate the words harsh as they may be to try and make me see the consequences it would bring to my family.

 

I did not come here to brag. Is this even something to brag about? I was describing how attached I've become to him. And of course that includes missing him. I don't know. I guess i just needed to vent and read about how people go through this thing.

 

The first highlighted area shows you where you failed as a wife. The words that married you were your vows, the marriage certificate is just the public record of the event taking place on that date, location and in front of those witness's. Your vows were your guarantee to your husband that you would protect him when he wasn't there to do it himself(terminal failure, complete breech of your verbal contract with your husband, your word has no value). You sabotaged your marriage by secretly bringing a predator into it and withholding this life changing information from your husband. The second highlight is more proof of the catastrophic failure of your legitimate marriage showing you have more value and concern for the Other Man than you do for your husband. Chose one and get rid of the other, you can't have both.

 

Just because you put a name to something, "Fog," it doesn't give you a pass to continue your cheating. Stop using it as an excuse to do something, you cheat because you want to, period.

Edited November 21, 2017 by aliveagain

[wmacbride]

I am trying to figure out why i fell into my current affair when we have no "real" issues in our marriage.

 

I am a 32F married to 35M for 9 years. We were together 3.5 years before being married and yes we married young. We have no kids but we have been trying. We did some basic fertility treatments last year and took a break from that this year. We both have successful jobs. By no means we are incredibly wealthy but we live comfortably. We take trips out of the country, almost every other year or so. We have no significant health issues. We have family here although we are not that close to them. We have different sets of friends and common friends as well. But no "old friends" from childhood since we moved here only 10 years ago.

 

We have been fighting more this year and in one of our talks we figured out that maybe we fight because there is no conflict in our life. On paper everything is good and almost perfect barring the infertility issue. Is that even an actual reason to fight? Maybe it's human nature to want to find conflict so we can feel emotions or passion when our life seems too stable? A lot of his friends moved away last year so i know he feels lonely. We fight more when he gets into depression mode especially during holidays.

 

My affair is almost a year old. It's with an old acquaintance and he lives 4 hours away. We met up about 5x once a month. He was engaged before we started this and recently got married. Wife now moved here from another country and so the affair is reduced to LC.

 

My fights with BS started before the affair. just like most affairs, it is only a symptom of an actual underlying issue in the marriage. Both OM and i have agreed we are not leaving our BS and they will always be priority. We both admitted our feelings to each other and believe we love each other. Our comfort is that we feel the love for each other differently than for our spouses so there is no danger of us falling for each other more than for our spouses.

 

Whenever BS and i fight he withdraws and gives me the silent treatment. Most of the time i will give him space. Sometimes i will engage him so he knows i am still here. Each time he rejects me i feel like my heart is being stabbed. When that repeatedly happens i withdraw as well. Unfortunately now that i have this affair, my thoughts would go to OM almost as if to seek some comfort while i feel alone. Sometimes i feel like he is going into early midlife crisis. He has asked for D a few times. There were moments when i can tell he feels restless like there is nothing going on in his life, nothing to look forward to. He doesn't really have a real close bestfriend to talk to. He is not that close with his family either.

 

Has anyone gone through an issue like this? Some insight would really be helpful. BS does not really believe in therapy so it's a little out of the question.

 

 

The problem with this line of reasoning is that it won;t do you one bit of good at all.

 

You didn't cheat because of your marriage. You cheated because something in you allowed you to. That doesn't make you a terrible person or evil incarnate, it just makes you human, and like every other human has at one time or another, you made some bad choices. .

 

Start taking some ownership, it can actually be a wonderful thing. Start with " I made the decision to cheat because I ....". Once you do that, you can begin to take your power back. You can;t change what you can;t control and if you start to acknowledge that you ended up int he A because of choices you made, you can begin to make better ones.

 

As I have said before, aside of the A, you sound like someone who is usually sensible and makes good choices. You can do that when it comes to that A too. Is there any way you can take a day or two away, just for yourself, to really think about all of this and begin to make a plan for how you will proceed?

[wmacbride]

No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

 

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.

 

from what you say, you don't think you are going to tell your spouse. I will respect that, but first, try putting yourself in your husband's place. If he was cheating on you, going behind your back and discussing you with his ow, if he was discussing his married and fmaily life with her, if he was torn between trying to decide who he preferred to be with, would you want to know, or would you prefer to live in blissful ignorance?

 

Would you rather find out from your husband, or from someone else or even through gossip?

 

Do you feel you owe your husband the truth? I'm not a guy, but from reading threads on here, when a man does find out that his wife has been cheating from anyone else but her, it ads a whole new level of hurt, anger and embarrassment.

[wmacbride]

Affairs rarely go undetected. BS, usually know something is off no matter how well the WS believes that they have it hid or how smart they are about it, denial is usually the WS best friend, most of the times when a BS has questions about infidelity they convince themselves "my spouse would never"

 

Can you get out undetected? Not likely, it more likely that your husband is already on your trail and is convincing himself that you aren't or scared to face it. The problem is even if you "get away" with it, you are always just one drink too many from a drunk confession or letting it slip during a heated argument. We've seen here, affairs discovered 5, 10, 20 years down the road. The Impact is the same as if it happened yesterday.

 

But, as I said, you will continue until you get caught so you don't have to worry about confession or living with it.

 

Even sadder than a suspicious spouse is one who knows something is up, but since they trust their spouse, the idea that the husband or wife is cheating never enters their radar.

 

Instead, they start to blame themselves for making their spouse unhappy or sad. They end up on the hamster wheel of trying to make things better, all while never guessing the real cause of their spouse's discontent is that they are having an affair.

 

Op, in spite of cheating, you strike me as someone with a conscience who knows right from wrong. You already know what the right choice is for you, you just have to push aside all the external crap that really doesn't matter and do what is right for both you and your husband. That could mean ending the A and figuring out how to move forward, being open about it and asking your H for an open marriage or ending your m and moving forward as a single woman.

 

What is the best choice for both you and your spouse? I don't know, but I do know that keeping things as hey are right now isn't it.

[wmacbride]

Something that hasn’t been brought up yet I think is that not everyone survives affairs. Many people are so mentally damaged they are never right again. My uncle fell in that group. Another is violence. The son of a friend of mine tried to kill himself and his wife by driving into a tree when he found out what she had been doing. She survived without a scratch and he died. Adultery is a leading cause of suicide among men. All of the violence and suicide I have seen was completely unexpected and seemingly out of character.

 

Another problem is your fighting. You say it started before the affair. However, your husbands gut is telling him something is off now. He also noticed how taken you were by your Posom when you guys first met up with him again.

 

In case you haven’t read many threads here, folks describe being cheated on as the worse than losing a close relative. I’m sorry to say that includes me. It’s one of those things most people live through but they never get over it. I have never had 100% trust in anyone since. If the person you love most n life can literally stab you in the back over and over you can never trust them again.

 

You marriage is dead. You killed it and that is evil incarnate.

 

In a way, finding out your spouse has cheated is like coping with a death. It's the death of the "innocence" of your marriage and the love you have for your spouse. That isn't to say that you no longer love your ws, but that it has changed.

 

I love my husband very much. I used to trust him 100 percent. I don't anymore, and that has been a bitter pill to swallow.

[S2B]

Something that hasn’t been brought up yet I think is that not everyone survives affairs. Many people are so mentally damaged they are never right again. My uncle fell in that group. Another is violence. The son of a friend of mine tried to kill himself and his wife by driving into a tree when he found out what she had been doing. She survived without a scratch and he died. Adultery is a leading cause of suicide among men. All of the violence and suicide I have seen was completely unexpected and seemingly out of character.

 

Another problem is your fighting. You say it started before the affair. However, your husbands gut is telling him something is off now. He also noticed how taken you were by your Posom when you guys first met up with him again.

 

In case you haven’t read many threads here, folks describe being cheated on as the worse than losing a close relative. I’m sorry to say that includes me. It’s one of those things most people live through but they never get over it. I have never had 100% trust in anyone since. If the person you love most n life can literally stab you in the back over and over you can never trust them again.

 

You marriage is dead. You killed it and that is evil incarnate.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Married, since you say you earn more than your husband and obviously do not love him (anymore) why don't you set him free to find someone else while you can do the same? You may make protestations that you do love him but is that true? Think for a moment. If you loved your husband truly would you keep betraying him behind his back continuously, knowing that every time you did that you were knowingly stabbing him in the back without batting an eyelid. Does this scene paint a picture of love in your eyes? How many times have you professed love to your husband knowing fully well that you would rather be with your OM at that moment? You ate living a lie and forcing your husband to live one too.

 

I do not know where you come from and what your cultural background is, but where ever you are from I doubt that such behaviour would be condoned and that you would not be castigated for what you are doing. I doubt any culture in the World condones such behaviour. That said, you need to introspect on your actions and the false life you are leading since I am sure you are not a happy person living with this sword of Damocles hanging over your head and threatening to fall any moment and kill your marriage in the most horrendous way. If you think about it you are caught up in a 'Catch twenty two' situation from which there is no escape until you set things right. Best wishes.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You may make protestations that you do love him but is that true? Think for a moment. If you loved your husband truly would you keep betraying him behind his back continuously, knowing that every time you did that you were knowingly stabbing him in the back without batting an eyelid. Does this scene paint a picture of love in your eyes? How many times have you professed love to your husband knowing fully well that you would rather be with your OM at that moment?

 

There are so many ways people define and perceive love.....sometimes to fit their own narrative and intentions. I don't think you can ask a "do you love him??" question and get an answer you can rely on, because the definition of "love" is so subjective. Of course she's going to say she "loves" him. But is her definition of "love" the same as yours? Highly doubtful.

[Cullenbohannon]

The definition of love is not subjective. If my Fiancee was cheating on me, he could tell me he loved me until the cows came home. He can take that "love" and keep it to himself.

 

That's the same as "Do you believe me or your lying eyes"

[Cephalopod]

I make a tad bit more than BS. Maybe 10% more. He and OM, i would say at about the same income. May i ask the relevance?

 

 

 

If you make the same income as him then you are not worried about losing your source of income when he finds out and divorces you. That is one reason you won't stop the affair.

 

 

When your husband leaves you, you don't need to rely on the OM for any kind of financial support. You are free to carry on doing what you are doing.

[S2B]

The definition of love is not subjective. If my Fiancee was cheating on me, he could tell me he loved me until the cows came home. He can take that "love" and keep it to himself.

 

That's the same as "Do you believe me or your lying eyes"

 

Well, when someone is telling me they "love me" yet they are betraying me with their actions - that's when "I" get to decide "I" don't need their brand of "love".

 

That's not love to me...

 

I have a boundary and "I" enforce it - when people in my life betray me with actions vs words I discontinue that particular and peculiar type of "love".

[BarbedFenceRider]

Well, when someone is telling me they "love me" yet they are betraying me with their actions - that's when "I" get to decide "I" don't need their brand of "love".

 

That's not love to me...

 

I have a boundary and "I" enforce it - when people in my life betray me with actions vs words I discontinue that particular and peculiar type of "love".

 

That is what I think! How people can separate their lives, intimacy and all..."Honey, I love you dearly but.... just not THAT way."

Thats a big NOPE.

[chicagogem]

I can see why you have so many mixed emotions. It sounds like even though you and your husband get along, that you went through a very difficult season with infertility. I'm sorry you went through it. It really takes a toll on a marriage. Emotions are so fleeting, and when they have to be buried, it's even more difficult. I would encourage you to talk with a counselor to sort it all out and be honest with your husband. Dishonesty and betrayal are never okay within a marriage, and will come out eventually. I wish you the best~

 

 

 

 

 

I guess i should start at the beginning. I'm a 32F married for 9 years, no kids. Last year we tried doing the fertility thing but no luck. My husband and i got frustrated and i supposed we drifted apart emotionally for a while.

 

Then an old college acquaintance entered the picture. We are all from a different country so it was nice to get in touch with someone from the same place. The OM Is engaged (together with her for 5 years)and due to visa reasons he's been apart from his fiancee for about a year.

 

We started catching up on facebook and met up with other people from our place. My husband was there of course. I admit i felt the chemistry between us right away and even my DH commented on it. I assured him there was no history which is the truth.

 

The innocent catching up messages soon began to get flirty. I admit i liked the attention after that emotional disconnect from DH. And if i guess correctly the OM was lonely as he was living alone in a different country for the past year.

 

One night about a month later when DH was out, our messages began getting sexual. It was something I couldn't resist. Yes, I should've controlled myself but I didn't. It progressed to more of that until we finally decided to meet up in person after another month. We kept saying it was so we can see how we feel for each other because the chemistry and attraction was so strong. And we believed to connect like this with another person after a long time is rare. But who are we kidding. I know there was a lot of underlying sexual energy and we both wanted to explore that.

 

He lives 4 hours away and so he drove here. We spent the day together and it felt so natural. No awkwardness or anything. It was amazing.

 

We communicated almost daily as much as my schedule allowed. We talked about anything and everything. I know people say this all the time but we felt so connected, not just physically but in other aspects as well.

 

He never calls or messages me when i am home. We both agreed that no one will know about this. That both our partners will always be priority. That we will not get attached. I kept myself a little detached because I'm aware that women tend to get more emotionally invested. Well, it turned out he was the first one to get emotional. He told me he was falling in love with me. He never got controlling or possessive, although he would sometimes ask me on some days if DH and i had sex or not. I started falling for him as well.

 

We met up once a month for 3 more months then his fiancee came here. We kept our no expectations agreement but somehow found ourselves promising each other things and also scheduling our communication. Basically we ended up comitting to this unofficially. We made it offical 6 months after we started all of this, just before they left the country to go get married. They stayed there for a month and we only had contact two days out of that month. We didn't want to risk communicating because they were always together and he doesn't know if i am at work or home. He messaged me the night before the wedding and it was sexual. Yes that was totally despicable and disrespectful to her and I wish it didn't happen but we missed each other so much that we let it happen.

 

They came back here together and apparently she can now stay here. We knew this time would come. I gave him a chance to get out of our relationship. Because i never want him to feel like he is obliged to be with me. But he didn't want to. We still kept communicating as much as we can but it is getting harder.

 

It's now a year since this all started. DH and i are in a better place. We even went on a 3 week vacation. OM and i are living both our lives while still maintaining our small world. It is getting harder to keep this but we promised each other we will keep this forever if we can. Sometimes i feel like we are so distant and it gives me a bit of anxiety. It makes me unsure about his feelings but he assures me he still wants me. And he shows it through our "constant" communication. Sometimes i see their photos and i feel a little jealous. Those unsure feelings have been growing a bit and i'm not sure how to handle them. Feelings are tricky that's for sure.

 

DH and i are getting along well. I know i will get slammed for saying this but i love spending time with him and we are happy. I learned how to compartmentalize my marriage from my affair so any emotions i feel for my marriage is intact and any emotions high or low i feel in my affair would not be taken out on DH.

 

Sometimes the guilt hits me hard and i begin having second thoughts about continuing this. I would feel like i would be fine since i am getting used to not talking to him daily like before. But then the time comes when i miss him again so much that i know i can't lose him.

 

I don't really know why i am here telling this story. I guess maybe i just need some insight from people who knows how this feels. I miss him so much and the highs of being able to communicate even for a few hours feels amazing. But the lows of missing him is so low and it hurts. I try to divert this energy i'm spending thinking about him but it's so difficult. I find myself thinking of him so much everyday and wondering if he thinks as much as i do. To anyone who went through something like this, how did you handle all this emotions?

[S2B]

Did you end the affair or end the marriage?

 

Long term - both won't work...you will get caught.

[Buckeye2]

I know that the OP hasn't been back for a bit but I would like to make two points.

 

1. Don't have children until you're done with the OM.

 

2. You said that your husband has asked you for a divorce a few times. You don't have to tell him about your affair. You can just say "YES."

[William]

Indeed, nearly two weeks gone so we'll close this up pending further interest in participating since it is a specific marital and affair issue. Thanks members for your responses and assistance!