Marriage "too stable?"

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's the problem. I am unsure of what to do. I keep yo-yoing back and forth from wanting to end this to not wanting to lose him. I guess only those who had been in my situation would understand. May i ask if you are aWS or BS?

 

Do you want to lose your marriage?

[Marriedow]

Do you want to lose your marriage?

 

No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

 

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

 

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.

 

I'll say. You seem to have no awareness of just how much your life is going to implode when everyone finds out about this. If that's a risk you're willing to take, keep on doing what you're doing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

T/J....

 

What is DH? I always thought it meant "disloyal husband", but I see more and more threads where it applies to the BS.

 

DH and DW are widely used across the interwebs for dear husband and dear wife .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'll say. You seem to have no awareness of just how much your life is going to implode when everyone finds out about this. If that's a risk you're willing to take, keep on doing what you're doing.

 

Quoting myself to correct myself. Instead of saying "if that's a risk you're willing to take" I should have said "if those are the consequences you're willing to live with." Because it will happen.

 

I'm curious, do you personally know any couples whose marriage has been destroyed by infidelity?

[S2B]

No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

 

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.

 

Do what's right. You have to live with your conscience. You have to do what makes you proud of YOURSELF.

 

IF you intend to continue the affair then end your marriage. Know full well that just because you end you marriage doesn't mean your MM will end his.

 

IF you intend to continue being married then end the affair. You took vows - honor them or end the agreement you made with your husband.

[Imajerk17]

That's the problem. I am unsure of what to do. I keep yo-yoing back and forth from wanting to end this to not wanting to lose him. I guess only those who had been in my situation would understand. May i ask if you are aWS or BS?

 

Doesn't what is right for your husband *ever* cross your mind though?

 

I mean, if you cannot end your affair, I'd hope you at least have the decency to set your husband free to find someone who loves him and him alone, instead of stringing him along.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DKT3]

No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

 

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.

 

Actually, you've been consistent. I don't see any back and forth, just full steam ahead on your affair.

 

As I said, this is a passing guilt stage, I'm guessing having gone a few days with less than normal communication with the AP.

 

I'm not sure your as successful in fooling us as you are yourself, no back and forth, you are simply more committed to your affair partner then you are your family. No doubt about that.

[Marriedow]

Actually, you've been consistent. I don't see any back and forth, just full steam ahead on your affair.

 

As I said, this is a passing guilt stage, I'm guessing having gone a few days with less than normal communication with the AP.

 

I'm not sure your as successful in fooling us as you are yourself, no back and forth, you are simply more committed to your affair partner then you are your family. No doubt about that.

 

Is this somethjng you have personally experienced? Or mostly got it from reading Of other people's experiences here? I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I do want to know. What you just said is a bit of an eye opener. Maybe i am deluding myself into believing i want to quit but like you said it could be moments of doubt after less communication.

[DKT3]

Is this somethjng you have personally experienced? Or mostly got it from reading Of other people's experiences here? I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I do want to know. What you just said is a bit of an eye opener. Maybe i am deluding myself into believing i want to quit but like you said it could be moments of doubt after less communication.

You absolutely don't want to quit, I think everyone here except for you can see that, yet you continue to attempt to convince us you want to. It's simply a sober moment, like a heroine addict, clarity between highs. Lower contact and you can see the damage, but you still long for that hit, it's the most important thing in your life.

 

I'm a type A personality fixer, after finding out about my wife's affair, I threw myself into gaining as much information as possible. Specifically on female behavior before, during and after affairs. Your actions are by the book, the outcome is predictable. You will continue until you get caught, no doubt in my mind.

 

Then what? What happens when your husband finds out?

[oldlion]

I'm sorry to say, but my dear lady, you are a thief and purveyor of stolen time, emotions, and intimacy. You are stealing that which belongs to another women and you are giving away that which you vowed to your husband. He does not deserve what you are doing to him. He has no input in the decisions of infidelity you are making. He deserves to know what is happening to his life and deserves to decide what he wants to do about it. Unless he is totally blind and deaf, there will come a time he will find out. It may take a week, a year, or 20 years, but he will find out. It took me 12 years. It only takes one small mistake to put him on alert. If you want the AP then just tell your second choice husband, and no matter what you say, he is second choice, call your AP and leave. But you won't do that because you want your cake and eat it too and you enjoy cheating on your husband behind his back. Do you know how an affair can flourish. It flourishes because the BS has complete trust in the WS. You do not deserve the trust your husband has in you. I know I sound harsh but during my military career I saw many, many men in the same situation as your husband. I have seen them end in divorce and I have seen them end in violence. An example is a sergeant I knew, who was suppose to be gone for a couple more weeks, caught the AP sitting on his couch like he was home. The sergeant shot the AP in both knees. You wouldn't believe how his court marshall turned out. Here is an old axiom that fits you and your husband.

 

"Be sure that the person you would take a bullet for is not the one with their finger on the trigger."

 

You have your finger on the trigger and the gun is pointed at your husband's back.. I wish you well.

[Marriedow]

You absolutely don't want to quit, I think everyone here except for you can see that, yet you continue to attempt to convince us you want to. It's simply a sober moment, like a heroine addict, clarity between highs. Lower contact and you can see the damage, but you still long for that hit, it's the most important thing in your life.

 

I'm a type A personality fixer, after finding out about my wife's affair, I threw myself into gaining as much information as possible. Specifically on female behavior before, during and after affairs. Your actions are by the book, the outcome is predictable. You will continue until you get caught, no doubt in my mind.

 

Then what? What happens when your husband finds out?

 

Wow. Thank you for this.

 

I hope you'll let me pick your brain a few more times? So it's safe to say i am basically just addicted to him or to this. Have you come across these type of affairs where they do quit on their own successfully? Because it sounds like they can when clarity hits but then would probably fall off the wagon when the first craving hits.

[aliveagain]

One thing is for sure, your marriage is doomed for failure, why, because you are only in it part time. How many relationships do you know that survived long term when both partners were only trying 50%? The other thing I know to be true, you can't run away from yourself. Have you always run from problems rather than put in the effort required to make them work? There is nothing romantic or special about what you have posted, it would have been if you were both single but your not. You are just another sneaky woman cheating on her husband with a man that will f*** another man's wife.

 

Infidelity has a way of coming to the surface, no matter when it does it will destroy your husband and it will destroy his wife. It happens here all the time. You can never undo or do over adultery, once you step over that line, you are that woman that has been written about since biblical times. The decision you need to make is about the woman you want to be. Does that match your vision of who you perceive you are? You are the one guiding your behavior and as such you have to eventually accept the consequence for that behavior. I don't know too many relationships that survive long term that don't have honesty in them.

[DKT3]

Wow. Thank you for this.

 

I hope you'll let me pick your brain a few more times? So it's safe to say i am basically just addicted to him or to this. Have you come across these type of affairs where they do quit on their own successfully? Because it sounds like they can when clarity hits but then would probably fall off the wagon when the first craving hits.

 

Affairs rarely go undetected. BS, usually know something is off no matter how well the WS believes that they have it hid or how smart they are about it, denial is usually the WS best friend, most of the times when a BS has questions about infidelity they convince themselves "my spouse would never"

 

Can you get out undetected? Not likely, it more likely that your husband is already on your trail and is convincing himself that you aren't or scared to face it. The problem is even if you "get away" with it, you are always just one drink too many from a drunk confession or letting it slip during a heated argument. We've seen here, affairs discovered 5, 10, 20 years down the road. The Impact is the same as if it happened yesterday.

 

But, as I said, you will continue until you get caught so you don't have to worry about confession or living with it.

[S2B]

I'm left wondering - why do you think you deserve both men?

 

Why do you justify stealing another woman's husband?

 

Why do you think it's ok that your husband doesn't get all of you?

 

When does it end? It ends when you end it!

 

Stop acting like you don't play your part in this. You are responsible for participating in a full blown affair that's doomed to ruin two families and two innocent people (the betrayed spouses). All because of selfishness and being greedy.

 

You want to save your family? Stop ALL contact with the OM.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Marriedow, I guess you have been given a lot of good advice, most of it bitter medicine but good nonetheless. I had a slightly different tack to take with you. You mentioned that you were from a different country from the one you ate living and working in. I am assuming you are living and working in the US but I could be wrong. What I wanted to ask you is whether your religious and cultural conditioning and beliefs are constrictive or generally liberal as they are in the West? I ask because then the fallout could be much worse for you than if you came from a liberal background.

 

Having posed that question, I would direct you to the thread by deadsoul who not only ended her affair but confessed to her husband. It ma6 be helpful to you in deciding how to generate the resolve to end your affair and confess and reconcile with your husband. Others on here may have other examples for you to draw inspiration from. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

Marriedow who is the primary earner in your marriage?

 

Who makes more income: the OM or your BH?

[Marriedow]

Do you want to be talked out of the affair or do you just want a place to lament about how much you miss your OM and how hard it is to be away from him and have people understand (i.e. other people in affairs)?

 

If you just want to lament, this forum is not going to be the place for you. Affairs are not supported here. There are other forums for that but they are secret private forums and you have to be invited to them.

 

I guess both. Whichever emotions i feel at the time that's the type of topic i search for here. But like another poster here on my thread, it appears i am not being honest with myself with what i really want.

[Chaparral]

Something that hasn’t been brought up yet I think is that not everyone survives affairs. Many people are so mentally damaged they are never right again. My uncle fell in that group. Another is violence. The son of a friend of mine tried to kill himself and his wife by driving into a tree when he found out what she had been doing. She survived without a scratch and he died. Adultery is a leading cause of suicide among men. All of the violence and suicide I have seen was completely unexpected and seemingly out of character.

 

Another problem is your fighting. You say it started before the affair. However, your husbands gut is telling him something is off now. He also noticed how taken you were by your Posom when you guys first met up with him again.

 

In case you haven’t read many threads here, folks describe being cheated on as the worse than losing a close relative. I’m sorry to say that includes me. It’s one of those things most people live through but they never get over it. I have never had 100% trust in anyone since. If the person you love most n life can literally stab you in the back over and over you can never trust them again.

 

You marriage is dead. You killed it and that is evil incarnate.

[Marriedow]

Well, the last three paragraphs are the most telling.

 

Being able to compartmentalize the affair, doesn't bode well for your marriage in the long run. That is a character trait commonly needed for serial cheaters. Or, as in this case, a long term affair cheater. That is not a characteristic of a "Safe" marriage partner.

 

Combined with the emotional compulsive addiction type thinking that you described... it doesn't appear that there is any end in site so far for this game you two are playing.

 

You do realize that your husband is likely to eventually find out about your cheating?

 

By the way, you never mentioned much about the sex so far. How is the sex with the other man? How important is it to this forbidden relationship?

 

Yes the sex is good. I've read enough here to tell me it would be more exciting than the primary relationship sex. At this point we don't even have any way of seeingn each other in person. We haven't in a few months. I know some people here believes i am just in it for the sex. Yes that is part of it but more so the emotional aspect and having him in my life. If it's just sex i wanted i couldve gone out and have one night stands and not deal with this emotional torment. I am not making excuses or trying to play victim but i wish that part of my story would not be ignored.

[Marriedow]

Doesn't what is right for your husband *ever* cross your mind though?

 

I mean, if you cannot end your affair, I'd hope you at least have the decency to set your husband free to find someone who loves him and him alone, instead of stringing him along.

 

Yes i understand that. And i know that if i had thought of that before and practiced more self-control I wouldn't be in this mess right?

[Vincentstreet]

At the risk of sounding brash...

why dont you do yourself (and really your husband) a favor by leaving your H and following your heart. I for one find your lamenting uttely repulsive and think you should be ashamed.

Dont you think your husband deserves someone who would give him what you have given to another man?

Or let me guess... you are too chicken and selfish to let him get on with his life. if you even care about him yoou should want him to receive love from someone better suited to him. You are obviously only in love with yourself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes the sex is good. I've read enough here to tell me it would be more exciting than the primary relationship sex. At this point we don't even have any way of seeingn each other in person. We haven't in a few months. I know some people here believes i am just in it for the sex. Yes that is part of it but more so the emotional aspect and having him in my life. If it's just sex i wanted i couldve gone out and have one night stands and not deal with this emotional torment. I am not making excuses or trying to play victim but i wish that part of my story would not be ignored.

 

Nobody thinks that. All cheaters say exactly what you're saying here about the "emotional aspect."

[QuietDan]

Yes the sex is good. I've read enough here to tell me it would be more exciting than the primary relationship sex. At this point we don't even have any way of seeingn each other in person. We haven't in a few months. I know some people here believes i am just in it for the sex. Yes that is part of it but more so the emotional aspect and having him in my life. If it's just sex i wanted i couldve gone out and have one night stands and not deal with this emotional torment. I am not making excuses or trying to play victim but i wish that part of my story would not be ignored.

 

The emotional aspect of the relationship is even more fantasy land unrealistic competition than the sex part. The emotional aspect of the affair is built in fantasy land with little real world relationship stressors. When most relationships start to falter? How money is spent? What bills are paid? When those cute little differences start to become annoying because it is the wrong way to do it... Who is doing what daily chore? Who isn't? And, on and on it goes. Who has the real power in the relationship? Somewhere about the end of year one, or two, the lower sex drive partner starts to weaponized the sexual aspect of the relationship as a power move. And on and on it goes...

After a year or two, you have heard most of his original lines. It gets to be work to keep the relationship fresh and interesting. Times of struggle should be time to inspire to reach within and work together to grow the relationship and personal self to keep the relationship fresh healthy creative.

Jumping into an affair, avoids the tuff part of developing and growing the original relationship beyond the stalling point.

Off to cotton candy land where things are sweet and easy.

How can a marriage relationship that has hit the reality of life compete with two people forever playing games with flirting without having to deal with the real dirt of life and living together when it get irritating.

The emotional affair relationship is usually a bigger fraud than the sex part. You haven't stumbled across each other egos to bad and caused problems yet. No fear of really hurting or disappointing. Easy to gamble big. Who cares. Not the real part of having to pick up the pieces and live with the mess on a day to day basis.

Edited November 21, 2017 by QuietDan

[Imajerk17]

Yes i understand that. And i know that if i had thought of that before and practiced more self-control I wouldn't be in this mess right?

 

I'm not positive what you are getting at. For one thing I didn't ask if you "understand"

 

I instead asked you if you *care* enough about doing the right thing by your husband, if you have enough integrity to stop living a lie. And it looks like the answer is sad to say no.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Imajerk17