LC/NC is pants!!!!!

[vix]

Long story but i'll keep it short. Was with my ex for 4 years (LDR) but ended it as i doubted my feelings & wanted to be on my own. We kept in touch for the next year & a half & although i knew i'd made a mistake, i didn't do anything about it til the start of this year. He was wary at first but came back after 2 months & whilst things were better than they'd ever been at the start, he bailed after 3 months (wanted to be on his own, didn't know how he felt, couldn't forget what happened before & how s*** he felt, can't give to anyone/anything at the mo cos of pressures with work & house, etc).

 

I didn't understand & didn't want to walk away & there were lots of tears from me. Anyway, i initiated NC about 6 wks after he bailed, saying that i only wanted contact if he wanted the same as me (a long term shot at us) & that if i txt/called when having a mad mo, to ignore me. Although hard, 2wks went by til i phoned accidently. I realised, stopped the call & then txt to explain. He sent a messed up, green-eyed monster reply (no reason) & then i phoned. We talked & it turns out he hit rock-bottom in those 2wks & was home to try & sort himself out. Over the next wk we txt & spoke but the final time i spoke to him was awful (3hrs of conversation that alternated between having a laugh & blatant nasty/hurtful comments from him). After that call i decided that i couldn't take anymore. I said sorry for my part in the break-up (insecurities & doubting him) & a week later, txt to put an end to the bad feelings as i don't want to think about the last 6 years in a negative way. We've txt since, with both of us initiating contact but i don't get it - sometimes i wish he'd just ignore me. He said he wanted to keep the contact going when he bailed as he can't imagine not having me in his life but why?

 

Any thoughts would be good

[lunarbabe]

I firmly believe that when a break up occurs, you must spend time apart from eachother.

 

For me, it is at least 3 months. TOTALLY APART. No talking, no txting, no smoke signals, nothing. This seems really bad at first, but if you don't and you keep in contact, you will keep talking about the relationship or worse yet have ex-sex.

 

The 3 months really works. It gives you both a chance to develop new friendships, find a life that is your own without falling back into the habits you had while in the relationship. You will find that you have a much clearer mind and really know what you want from this other person.

 

After 3 months, if you still want the other person in your life as a friend, lover, whatever, then you can contact them.

[vix]

I completely understand what you're saying but if i have no intentions of speaking to talk about the relationship or ex-sex, why are friendly/chatty texts so bad if i can cope with it? The difficulty i've got is that although he bailed & upset/hurt me quite badly, it turns out that he pretty much had a breakdown & has hit rock-bottom (i didn't know the extent of his probs when he walked away). I care about him & if a friendly text (hope you are good, etc) every now and again lets him know that i'm there, then surely there's no harm or is there? He always replies, saying he's alright/ok etc., & whilst he replies straight away to me, he has started to ignore alot of his close friends.

[caring guy]

I agree that the odd text is ok, just saying your care & are there, the NC rule has never been implaced in our seperation & is ok with her to text, msn, email etc! She is with another, but has been with many, she is a lovely girl, but has too many silly rules, & things like this have always messed up relationships, not just the other guy!

What i couldn't cope with was a meeting we had, to exchange a fiew things, far too soon, i just imagine them together & it kills me!, them doing stuff that WE did!

[vix]

Hi caring guy, didn't think i'd see another south yorkshire reader/poster on here.

 

I don't want to speak to him on the phone or see him in person & there'll be no relationship talk from me whatsoever as i learnt my lesson when we first split (i wanted to understand what had happened, chased for answers & pretty much, acted like a mad/crazy bird - not good). I'm past mad-mode now & whilst i know i could do NC, i don't see the point as it seems more of a game. The last text i sent was on friday to say that i hoped he'd have an ace time on holiday & he text back saying thanks, he'll try & that he hoped i was v good. The next contact is up to him & if he does (great) but if not, i'll keep smiling (i couldn't have said that a month ago).

 

I didn't understand something you said: '...she has too many silly rules & things like this have always messed up relationships, not just the other guy!' - can you explain?

 

I know how you're feeling about imagining them together - i was in that situation back at the start of the year (before he came back & was seeing someone else) & it hurt like hell. As much as you want/need the thoughts to stop, they don't. All i can say is keep smiling, it gets better & thanks

[caring guy]

Hi fellow SY girl, i mean that every relationship isn't 100% perfect & we've both been brought up differently, i'm from a stable background that in a way isn't great, it holds you back, she is from a rocky background, always moving & instead of her nderstanding little differences like how pots are washed, she didn't like my way & how when i thought i was doing my best to romance her in my way, it wasn't her way.Just differences i understood were her way, but she didn't like it coming from me!

Like i always cooked for us both after her kids had gone to bed & all was cool with that, a romantic meal, mostly what the kids didn't realy like & thats what she wanted me to do, but now it's like 'you never did family meals what we all like', but she never mentioned this st the time, she always wanted us to eat alone after kids were in bed & have a time to ourself!

Whatever i did was wrong some of the time!

I guess us from this part of the world don't like those stupid NC mind games, they can work, but can also blow up in your face!

CG