My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe I'm losing the plot, but isn't going physical irrelevant at this point? Besides we DID sexual stuff today, it was not all cuddles and kisses.

 

Congratulations?

[BaileyB]

So what are you going to do about it? What have you learned from the 4 pages of advice you're received so far?

 

Absolutely nothing. She hasn't heard a single word that has been spoken...

 

It's not possible for someone to be this dense...

[niteandfog]

I just want to fall in love again, which I am. And I know it's morally wrong and all that jazz. We're both caught in this

[Southern Sun]

I just want to fall in love again, which I am. And I know it's morally wrong and all that jazz. We're both caught in this

 

I find your tone so strange. Like you want this to be something more than it is, but not in the typical angsty woman-wants-MM kind of way. You don't even describe this MM in flattering ways, and yet, you're falling "in love." You seem very flat. You seem focused on hoping he still wants sex from you. I'm confused, frankly.

 

If your husband is abusive and you are all nonchalant about filing for divorce, do it then. Make it happen.

 

If you really think this MM is all that, then you are throwing away your chances for an actual relationship in real life...or at least you are throwing away your BEST chance for one. Because if you proceed with an affair, it will likely be discovered. I don't know the age of your children, but what will they think about mommy and MM if you ever get the chance to be together?

Imagine how much BETTER it would be if you didn't have to deal with that issue?

 

What's the hold up? What do you think he's lying about? "The love"? You know, even if he isn't lying, it won't matter much if he doesn't do anything about it.

 

If your husband is abusive, don't you just want out, regardless of whether this MM comes through for you? You need to get that figured out, because most likely he's just looking to feel good for now.

 

What did you mean, BTW, that he hunted you down through social media. You said you are in a running club together?

 

I really do hope you know what you're doing.

[stillafool]

he was an unexpected surprise in my life. No it's not that "he's not my husband" that I like. i like HIM. He's totally my type. I told my sister about him and she got all excited about it all because he's a good match for me. but he's never going to leave his wife (well I haven't asked, but statistically I know that's the case).

 

 

When are you going to leave your husband?

[niteandfog]

Im leaving him after Christmas.

 

the MM is everything I wanted in my "youth" (although i'm still pretty young). i want that everything he's said to me is actually real and not some excuse to get in my pants. Which with the best of my spidey senses I think it is actually real? We talk about the most pointless things, like what we're doing that precise moment .

 

I tried to avoid talking about our kids, but now we talk about them, he even actively asks about mine.

 

yes' we're in a running club together. but he aded me to social media even before that happened ( I think it was e who added him as my contact in the running app). Anyways he kept commenting on my stuff and then one day we actually started having a conversation.

 

In person he's one of the shyest people I know. He'll barely talk to anyone, not even a hello.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you are making the decisions with the emotional maturity of a teenage girl... and you don't have the right to do this.

 

You have a responsibility to your children. Don't ever forget that.

[grass-hopper]

In reading your post, I could have written it myself. I rationalize. I reason every minute detail. I’ve felt like my story is different and these feelings MUST be genuine. But I’m realizing my story is NOT different. My story is just like the others’ that eventually ended badly. It just hasn’t gotten there yet. I still haven’t rationalized myself out of the A despite my “opened eyes”. Because I’m scared to let the feeling go. So i realize its not HIM. It never was HIM. It’s something within myself. Something I was yearning for, searching for. If it wasn’t him, it could have been anyone else who gave me that attention. (I think you said that In one of your postings). You say you have so much in common with your AP and this is why you feel how you do. I have nothing in common with my AP but I still feel exactly how you feel towards yours.

 

I have decided that I need to work on myself before I give myself to someone. And once I know who I am outside of my emotionally abusive and alcoholic marriage, then I will have the ability to make sound decisions in indulging in a wild and passionate love story. Because for now I am suppressing my feelings of a bad marriage, I am suppressing my own issues and I am giving ALL to the A that is just a cover up for my disappointment and dissatisfaction in my real life. It’s easy to latch on to something that feels so good. It’s a high. It’s what I have learned is called limerence. Read up on it if you haven’t. Start with you and then give to someone else. But, my advice doesn’t mean much when I am in a similar place that you are. The only difference is I am no longer making excuses or looking through rose tinted glasses as why this is right for me. I am starting to figure out how I must work on understanding why this is NOT right for me or my H or my children.

 

however much pleasure, excitement, sex and "love" you are getting out of it, if you have any kind of conscience and moral compass at all, it messes with your head terribly - lots of sleepless nights and being lost in thoughts of confusion and guilt. For some men, connection or not, this just gets too much for them and they realise that the A is taking more out of them than it is giving back.

 

Jenkins is right. If you’re not here yet, you will get here. It messes with your head. It makes you question and dissect and overthink and obsess to a point where it’s takes more out of you than the high from the A. If you’re here in LS, it’s likely already messing with your head.

 

There’s a lot of sound advice on LS. A lot of stories through the years and they are all similar. There’s always a bad ending. There’s always that story that starts with “now that I look back in retrospect...)

 

Allow for self realization and self discovery. This all needs to be about you. Not him. Not what he’s thinking or what he wants. Only then will you stop asking if all he wanted was sex then why would he do this or say that. This should be about you not hi

 

Good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Im leaving him after Christmas.

 

the MM is everything I wanted in my "youth" (although i'm still pretty young). i want that everything he's said to me is actually real and not some excuse to get in my pants. Which with the best of my spidey senses I think it is actually real? We talk about the most pointless things, like what we're doing that precise moment .

 

I tried to avoid talking about our kids, but now we talk about them, he even actively asks about mine.

 

yes' we're in a running club together. but he aded me to social media even before that happened ( I think it was e who added him as my contact in the running app). Anyways he kept commenting on my stuff and then one day we actually started having a conversation.

 

In person he's one of the shyest people I know. He'll barely talk to anyone, not even a hello.

 

With all due respect, you sound very immature.

[ladydesigner]

I'm having an EA with a MM (I'm married too) how to know he's not lying?

 

I'm sorry but reading this question made me lol

 

You know the story that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, it is a duck... well this same theory also applies to the married person cheating. If they are married and cheating they are a liar!

[ladydesigner]

yes I know. i don't even want to e in a relationship. But my MM has shown me that out there, there are more compatible men than my own H.

 

How do you really know this? Most MM prey on susceptible women and you being in an abusive M, that makes you a prime target. Is this the type of man you want to be with, one that cheats when the going get's tough?

[BaileyB]

This mm has shown me that there are more compatable men out there than my husband.

 

With all due respect, all he's done is give you a little attention and sent a few compliments your way. What do you know of compatibility - you barely know this man? If that was enough to turn your head and make you jump into his bed - well, then you have big problems.

 

Based on your own description, that he can barely make eye contact or talk with other people... Well, he sounds like a socially awkward and very introverted man. Not the type to typically have an affair or have a successful long term relationship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

With all due respect, all he's done is give you a little attention and sent a few compliments your way. What do you know of compatibility - you barely know this man? If that was enough to turn your head and make you jump into his bed - well, then you have big problems.

 

Based on your own description, that he can barely make eye contact or talk with other people... Well, he sounds like a socially awkward and very introverted man. Not the type to typically have an affair or have a successful long term relationship.

 

Sometimes this is enough, sadly.

[niteandfog]

With all due respect, all he's done is give you a little attention and sent a few compliments your way. What do you know of compatibility - you barely know this man? If that was enough to turn your head and make you jump into his bed - well, then you have big problems.

Based on your own description, that he can barely make eye contact or talk with other people... Well, he sounds like a socially awkward and very introverted man. Not the type to typically have an affair or have a successful long term relationship.

 

- The thing is that I would have jumped in anybody's bed as I was open to the idea of an affair, even before I met this MM. Never actively looked for one, more like if the opportunity was there.

 

- Exactly! And thus why i don't think he's done this before

[BaileyB]

- The thing is that I would have jumped in anybody's bed as I was open to the idea of an affair, even before I met this MM. Never actively looked for one, more like if the opportunity was there.

 

- Exactly! And thus why i don't think he's done this before

 

Seriously though... It's just a happy coincidence? You would have jumped into anybody's bed but this "wonderful" man just happened into your life and you think he is a great catch because he's never done anything like this before...

 

He is NOT a great catch, for precisely the reason that he is considering doing this at all. And you are a silly woman, to consider blowing up your children's world, all because a man sends a little attention your way.

 

Immature, irresponsible, selfish, idiotic... These words don't even begin to your decision making in this situation.

[jenkins95]

"I'm having an EA with a MM (I'm married too) how to know he's not lying?"

 

I'm sorry but reading this question made me lol

 

You know the story that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, it is a duck... well this same theory also applies to the married person cheating. If they are married and cheating they are a liar!

 

ladydesigner is spot on here.

 

I was an MM in an affair. Up until about age 40, I had been an honest, reliable, "good" guy almost all my life.

 

But my A turned me into something else. Lies are necessary to sustain it. I lied to my wife, my OW, my kids, friends, parents, my work......and even myself!

 

The actual truth didn't seem to matter. Words were just tools to manipulate people and circumstances in order to sustain the A and continue the double life. I just had to make sure I remembered what I'd said to everyone so that it all tied together.

 

I look back at it in disbelief now...but it really happened.

 

And this doesn't mean that the feelings developed during the A weren't genuine, because they very much were. But it would be totally wrong for me to say that, while I was cheating, lying, deceiving and duping my wife, I was a paragon of honesty and virute with the OW. Not at all - they both got lied to......LOTS. I'm not proud of it but I am a transformed man again now. This is what a double life does to you sadly.

[niteandfog]

"I'm having an EA with a MM (I'm married too) how to know he's not lying?"

 

 

 

ladydesigner is spot on here.

 

I was an MM in an affair. Up until about age 40, I had been an honest, reliable, "good" guy almost all my life.

 

But my A turned me into something else. Lies are necessary to sustain it. I lied to my wife, my OW, my kids, friends, parents, my work......and even myself!

 

The actual truth didn't seem to matter. Words were just tools to manipulate people and circumstances in order to sustain the A and continue the double life. I just had to make sure I remembered what I'd said to everyone so that it all tied together.

 

I look back at it in disbelief now...but it really happened.

 

And this doesn't mean that the feelings developed during the A weren't genuine, because they very much were. But it would be totally wrong for me to say that, while I was cheating, lying, deceiving and duping my wife, I was a paragon of honesty and virute with the OW. Not at all - they both got lied to......LOTS. I'm not proud of it but I am a transformed man again now. This is what a double life does to you sadly.

 

How long did it go for? Did your wife ever find out? I take that you stayed together after all.

[jenkins95]

How long did it go for? Did your wife ever find out? I take that you stayed together after all.

 

Hi (niteandfog) hope you are doing OK today?

 

It lasted about a year (story on here if you're interested). She had a BF and I was married....we were so lost in the A, that we let our guard down, stopped covering our tracks and both got caught within a few days of each other. A lot of cr*p hit a lot of fans, but the upshot is that yes, I was given another chance in my marriage and have grabbed it and am putting 100% into reconciliation.

 

That said, I wish the xOW nothing but the best and I still think of her. I will never forget her and will always have a special place for her in my thoughts. Is this disrespectful to my marriage? Yes. But it is the only way I can do it. If I attempted to shut out all thoughts, they would nag me more. I am now at peace with it all (although recovery and reconciliation is a constant work in progress). My thoughts of the OW are pleasant and no longer hurt. I genuinely love my wife and family....and I see very clearly how the OW's life is so much better and less complicated without me.

 

Lessons learned the hard way.

 

BTW, what I said about the constant lies in my last post. Regarding my lies to the OW, I was mainly really talking about the smaller everyday lies that avoid awkwardness. For example, if I was having a great evening with my wife enjoying a bottle of wine, the spin I would put on for the OW if she asked what I was doing would be "Oh just a fairly dull, normal evening...looking after the kids". I would be foolish and hurtful to say “Well, me and the wife are just cuddling on the sofa watching a movie and about to open the second bottle of wine”. These kind of lies are just necessary to avoid upset and conflict in an affair which includes a double life. What I wasn't really talking about were the huge, life altering lies like "I will leave my wife. Just give me 6 months", when in reality there is no intention to do this. A cad though I was to have an affair, I never future faked in this way. The fact is, we avoided this subject altogether, and until caught, neither of us made any move to leave our respective partners. I now see that we should have talked about this up front right from the start to set expectations about what we wanted out of the A. Better still, we never should have started an A in the first place.

 

Good luck and please keep posting niteandfog. We’re here to help, even if what we write hurts sometimes.

[niteandfog]

Thanks jenkins95 ! I think your story resonates with mine. The truth is that I believe him. yes, he's told me so much that seems OTT, but if his life is even remotely like mine, they don't seem that crazy.

 

he's told me things like "is the type of person I wanted to end up sharing my life with, but obviously I never thought about the possibility of this happening".

 

and then a few days later I get "you're the closest I've had to being a best friend since moving here".

 

I've told my sister the whole story, my sister knows me well she's my sister after all. and she thinks I've found the man of my dreams

 

I know he's not going to leave her, i know we haven't even talked about it.. but he's said "i wish our circumstances were different".

 

As much textbook and cliched this is, the connection is genuine.

[wmacbride]

I find your tone so strange. Like you want this to be something more than it is, but not in the typical angsty woman-wants-MM kind of way. You don't even describe this MM in flattering ways, and yet, you're falling "in love." You seem very flat. You seem focused on hoping he still wants sex from you. I'm confused, frankly.

 

If your husband is abusive and you are all nonchalant about filing for divorce, do it then. Make it happen.

 

If you really think this MM is all that, then you are throwing away your chances for an actual relationship in real life...or at least you are throwing away your BEST chance for one. Because if you proceed with an affair, it will likely be discovered. I don't know the age of your children, but what will they think about mommy and MM if you ever get the chance to be together?

Imagine how much BETTER it would be if you didn't have to deal with that issue?

 

What's the hold up? What do you think he's lying about? "The love"? You know, even if he isn't lying, it won't matter much if he doesn't do anything about it.

 

If your husband is abusive, don't you just want out, regardless of whether this MM comes through for you? You need to get that figured out, because most likely he's just looking to feel good for now.

 

What did you mean, BTW, that he hunted you down through social media. You said you are in a running club together?

 

I really do hope you know what you're doing.

 

Op, if you are living in a home with an emotionally abusive husband, your first priority should be to get your children out as soon as possible.

[BaileyB]

That's a bit harsh.. but true. I feel like I have the rest of my life ahead of me and where I am is definitely not making me happy.

 

Then get a divorce. Take some time to help your children get settled...

 

With time, go out and meet someone, fall in love, and ... Happily ever after.

 

Just because you are not happy now does not mean that you will never be happy again. Take care of your responsibilities, do it right, and it will work out for you.

 

My God, your options are not only stay in a bad marriage and be unhappy or have an affair and find happiness. There is another option - divorce, take care of your kids, and then find a nice, single man with whom you can build a healthy relationship.

 

Honestly, this is exactly like reasoning with a 13 year old girl -- "I want what I want, and I want it now!!"

[BaileyB]

 

I've told my sister the whole story, my sister knows me well she's my sister after all. and she thinks I've found the man of my dreams .

 

Then, your sister has very poor judgment and she is giving you very bad advice.

 

Do you think, you are only hearing what you want to hear? You are certainly doing that in this discussion.

Edited November 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[niteandfog]

No I don't think I hear what i want to hear.I know what we do is wrong. No question about it. Yes, there's a lot of deceit.

 

But the whole thing has taken me my surprise. I originally thought he was a random dude, not someone I could fin a connection with.

[elaine567]

- Exactly! And thus why i don't think he's done this before

 

"The most important part of being a player is to hide it."

Have a read.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090

 

You have left the world of boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happy ever after; you have now entered the world of the extra marital affair and the rules are way different.

Be very careful and do not be too naive.

 

This guy "hunted you down" on social media, so do not be too quick to believe it is his first rodeo.

[jah526]

"The most important part of being a player is to hide it."

Have a read.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090

 

You have left the world of boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happy ever after; you have now entered the world of the extra marital affair and the rules are way different.

Be very careful and do not be too naive.

 

This guy "hunted you down" on social media, so do not be too quick to believe it is his first rodeo.

 

That post helped me immensely when I was trying to break away. The most important sentence in the whole thing for me was this:

 

A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.