BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 As for him and his divorce... Well I know he had two fights this week and he was hopeful to move out soon. I don't ask about it. I can't imagine that his wife was very pleased to learn of your existence in her marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I can't imagine that his wife was very pleased to learn of your existence in her marriage... Pretty sure that part was not revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I'm pretty sure I wasn't part of the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 (edited) I left my marriage during the affair, but mine was def an exit affair. I knew I wanted it to be over before my affair started but was clueless how to end it and my son was only 4 then. I didn't end up with my AP, but that's another story not for here. However, in the two years I have been separated and now divorced my son has never met another man. I'm sure one day when I'm serious with someone he will, but until I know for sure the next man will be in my future, he isn't meeting my child. My son adores his father and my ex is a great father. Regardless of your bad feelings for your husband, your child loves him and the way you just blew up her world woutbout even thinking is very traumatizing I'm my opinion. Divorce is always hard for children but there are ways to go about it to lessen the blow. You just set a bomb off overnight. Then you say you hope to be together for the holidays? I really hope you don't plan to have him at your home, with your daughter there. I'm sorry, something about this whole thread struck a chord with me and I think you are so desperate for any kind of escape that you and your AP are being terribly selfish. It's actually completely unattractive out how desperate and immature you both are being. Oh, and I would bet money that this guy goes back to his wife. Or you realize how unnatractive his neediness is. This relationship won't last. Edited November 25, 2017 by Ronnie33 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 What was the part I didn't think about? The A? The divorce? Both? My Stbxh sand I are having a very amicable divorce. We still live together and will remain this way until I buy my new house. He's a good dad my daughter adores him... I have no plans to sour their relationship. I don't see my daughter meeting my AP for s very long time. And by that I do mean probably a year, I would have to see how that goes. If he disappears or this doesn't work out I'm fine with it. I'll always be grateful to him as I honestly couldn't remember how it felt to feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
QuestioningSoul Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Niteandfog, can I ask you a question? Are you a happy person? Not with certain situations, but within yourself? Are you satisfied with yourself? The reason I ask is you strike me as someone who looks for the next thing to make them happy, and jumps in without thinking a lot about what might happen- to yourself and those around you. I'm sorry if I'm being presumptuous, but my husband is a lot like this. Takes up a hobby, interest in new religions, buying items, engaging new, exciting relationships, etc. He thinks it will bring some happiness to him and it never does. He's just on to the next thing after the women or item or whatever it is, loses its shine. In the process he destroys and hurts the people around him. He finally sees that and is working on it with a counselor. Leaving your marriage for a man, one you worry is obsessive no less, is a bad idea. Leaving your marriage for a man you've known for a month or two is just an insane idea. See a counselor. Take your time. Divorce is like a death. It shouldn't be so flippant. It will hurt your daughter and you need to worry less about stealing kisses while you're running and sharing music and more about how her life is never going to be the same again. It's a big deal, treat it as such. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 My STBXH has become a total *hole regarding the splitting of assets. My Stbxh sand I are having a very amicable divorce. errrr, right. well, good luck! i hope the kids will adapt to the situation as quickly as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Op, have you thought about spending some time on your own just to find out a bit more about who "you" are? It would give you an opportunity to get to know yourself and what you are lookig for a little bit better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I'm not divorcing because of MM. I am simply not. I was unhappy, my Stbxh isn't always very nice to me. Just yesterday he said I was going to sue him 10 years down the line... When I could sue him right now for all sorts of abuse. He's keeping the house, the house MY family helped to buy. All because, well my family surely can buy me another one :/ his words! And yes it's amicable as in there haven't been any fights... He wants to keep the house? Fine! I won't have an argument over it. He controlled a lot of my life. For example, he never liked it when I started going to temple for Shabbat, he always thought it was a waste of time and made massive arguments about it. Link to post Share on other sites
QuestioningSoul Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Abuse comes in many forms, so check yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I think it is good that you have the courage to leave your unhappy marriage and go with your MM. I'm sorry for your spouses if they are hurt but it is far better not to be kept in the dark about your affair. Don't try to hold on to your husband by dating him. Just walk away and be a good coparent if your kids are underage, if not, just walk away. I would suggest you live alone and find yourself before you move in with MM. Finally, someone has the guts to leave when they are cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I think it is good that you have the courage to leave your unhappy marriage and go with your MM. I'm sorry for your spouses if they are hurt but it is far better not to be kept in the dark about your affair. Don't try to hold on to your husband by dating him. Just walk away and be a good coparent if your kids are underage, if not, just walk away. I would suggest you live alone and find yourself before you move in with MM. Finally, someone has the guts to leave when they are cheating. Thanks co-parenting is indeed the plan and no I won't move in with MM, that's a complete lack of respect to my daughter. If he's supposed to be everything I hope he is, then I'm sure he'll stick around until the time is right. I think anyone would have freaked out if I'd told him I was leaving my husband for him in a month and actually pulled the trigger. But he didn't... He's been supportive, he's told me he's going to help me paint the new house and make it nice for me. His feelings for me are genuine, I had been doubting then and realized that by doing so I was not even enjoying the experience! On Thursday he came round , we just stayed in the kitchen for good 40 mins, we chatted and joked and kissed and we stared at each other. I don't think there was any sexual tension per se either... But those were the most intense 40 mins of my life Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I hope it all works out for you OP. My original advice still stands. Take this time to provide stability for your daughter and yourself. MM may or may not be at the end of this road for you, but please take this time and learn to be on your own. I think that will make the difference in the success of any future relationship you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I hope it all works out for you OP. My original advice still stands. Take this time to provide stability for your daughter and yourself. MM may or may not be at the end of this road for you, but please take this time and learn to be on your own. I think that will make the difference in the success of any future relationship you have. And I will in my own way. I should probably have the courage to ask MM to stay away for a bit, but I just can't . I do know if he disappears (which he might) I'll stay on my own. I don't plan to hit the dating scene any time soon. He appeared in my life , I didn't look for him. In my 20s I was desperate to not be alone. Now I know better. I know it's always better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Besides, I'll never be alone ever again, I've got my daughter with me Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 (edited) AnywY, don't be too anxious to be divorced that you agree to unfair terms. You'll be divorced from STBXH for the rest of your life. The getting divorced part of the rest of your life is a relatively short part of the rest of your life. As a retired lawyer, I can tell you that I was always happy when my client's soon to to ex was in an affair where there were expectations of marriage and a long, happy life together. They were often way too accomodating on property settlement and custody/visitation issues even when I knew opposing counsel was not advising capitulation. That's one reason I suggested keeping the would-be Pavoratti out of your divorce. Any advice from him is probably biased. But as the saying goes your mileage may vary. Edited November 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 (edited) AnywY, don't be too anxious to be divorced that you agree to unfair terms. You'll be divorced from STBXH for the rest of your life. The getting divorced part of the rest of your life is a relatively short part of the rest of your life. As a retired lawyer, I can tell you that I was always happy when my client's soon to to ex was in an affair where there were expectations of marriage and a long, happy life together. They were often way too accomodating on property settlement and custody/visitation issues even when I knew opposing counsel was not advising capitulation. That's one reason I suggested keeping the would-be Pavoratti out of your divorce. Any advice from him is probably biased. But as the saying goes your mileage may vary. I want to get out of this house ASAP we agree on most things but not the division of assets. Because apparently selling the house is bringing instability to our daughter... Whatever! He doesn't know I come from a "wealthy" background, he knows that yes I make more money than him, but I've never explained the in and outs of my family. A nice coincidence is that MM is half Jewish and in an extremely small town.. bshert Edited November 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Apparently selling the house is bringing instability to our daughter... Whatever! Um, yeah. Do you not see that? My boyfriend bought his exwife out of the house for precisely that reason... He didn't want his son to have to deal with his parents divorce and lose the family home. Accepting the divorce and adjusting to a new custody schedule is difficult enough... Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Um, yeah. Do you not see that? My boyfriend bought his exwife out of the house for precisely that reason... He didn't want his son to have to deal with his parents divorce and lose the family home. Accepting the divorce and adjusting to a new custody schedule is difficult enough... I see that.. but the fair thing to do is to buy me out. he isn't ... I'm the one who wants to leave so according to him 20% of equity , instead of 50% is fair Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I see that.. but the fair thing to do is to buy me out. he isn't ... I'm the one who wants to leave so according to him 20% of equity , instead of 50% is fair Well, that's not fair. I understand. But that, is why you get a LAWYER. Divorce is a messy business. You are at the start of this journey, not the end... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Well, that's not fair. I understand. But that, is why you get a LAWYER. Divorce is a messy business. You are at the start of this journey, not the end... No, I don't want it to get nasty, I don't want my daughter to see any animosity. I see this as the price of my freedom. Plus there's the ticking clock of the A. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 No, I don't want it to get nasty, I don't want my daughter to see any animosity. I see this as the price of my freedom. Plus there's the ticking clock of the A. This is a very telling comment that give alot of insight about what kind of person you are and your priorities. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 No, I don't want it to get nasty, I don't want my daughter to see any animosity. I see this as the price of my freedom. Plus there's the ticking clock of the A. All too often, we cannot control outcomes or how people perceive things. Niteandfog, I'm sure inquiring minds would like to know what you meant by your last statement. Your MOM is a married other man. He will likely continue his marriage long after you divorce, if he ever does divorce at all... Based on all you've written, he couldn't care less about either of your marriages. Perhaps there is a reason he is playing Russian Roulette and can get away with it in his own marriage, but in my opinion, he is simply playing games with yours, for whatever reason. And you are letting him, mostly because you are unhappy with your husband and marriage. I don't think he will be there for you in the way you think no matter if you divorce or not. But it seems he is just fine with ruining you for his benefit. Messy, messy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 I think she means the ticking time bomb of the affair. She wants the divorce done and dusted, before her husband finds out about the OM and the affair. With another OM she may have had all the time in the world to sort out the divorce with minimal fear of discovery now or even ever, but with this loose cannon of a guy, a messy Dday is I guess guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 26, 2017 Author Share Posted November 26, 2017 I think she means the ticking time bomb of the affair. She wants the divorce done and dusted, before her husband finds out about the OM and the affair. With another OM she may have had all the time in the world to sort out the divorce with minimal fear of discovery now or even ever, but with this loose cannon of a guy, a messy Dday is I guess guaranteed. Spot on... And he's getting divorced, things are getting fairly messy at home for him. And I know this not because he tells me, because I can see it through SM. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Spot on... And he's getting divorced, things are getting fairly messy at home for him. And I know this not because he tells me, because I can see it through SM. Social media may not always give you the most accurate picture of the situation. I have a feeling this will all blow up in your face very soon. your husband will likley find out you were cheating, and if and when he does be ready for your situation to get a whole lot uglier. As for your mm? lots of married men act like him, but when push comes to shove, they go running back to mommy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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