My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[road]

I see that.. but the fair thing to do is to buy me out. he isn't ... I'm the one who wants to leave so according to him 20% of equity , instead of 50% is fair

 

You ask about fair?

 

So I will ask about fairness as well.

 

Is fair that you are cheating on him; banging your OM?

 

Is it fair that you refuse to tell your BH the truth?

 

Is it fair that you make a lot more money then your BH

and have wealthy parents and your BH cannot afford to

pay you more as part of the divorce settlement?

[niteandfog]

Well I don't make more money than him, we make about the same, but I do happen to have "wealthy" parents who have bankrolled me (and him to an extent) for the past 9 years. I think it would be fair for him to at least give me something closer to what by law regardless of circumstances I deserve.

 

And yes he doesn't deserve that I cheated on him. Not at all, that's why Im ending it right now. I don't deserve the way he treated me either, I should have left a long time ago, but what's done is done.

[whichwayisup]

No, I don't want it to get nasty, I don't want my daughter to see any animosity. I see this as the price of my freedom. Plus there's the ticking clock of the A.

 

If your husband was abusive to you as you've described, I'm pretty sure your daughter saw it or felt the bad energy in the house. Didn't see the love and respect between you two. How old is your daughter?

[whichwayisup]

Spot on... And he's getting divorced, things are getting fairly messy at home for him. And I know this not because he tells me, because I can see it through SM.

 

What's SM? Since you've not actually met him, only spoken online and maybe on the phone, there's no real way of knowing if he is actually telling the truth about what goes on at his home. Or does he show you video of their home life?

[niteandfog]

What's SM? Since you've not actually met him, only spoken online and maybe on the phone, there's no real way of knowing if he is actually telling the truth about what goes on at his home. Or does he show you video of their home life?

 

Yeah our daughter has seen us fight. Her cooking mechanism is to make drawings of us reminding us that we love each other. But in the end yes she's seen me have episodes and she's seen how dismissive her dad is (he sometimes treats her the same way but not very often).

 

And about my MM maybe you missed in this very long thread, but we actually know each other IRL. We're part of the same running club .. that's more or less how we met. I can see bits of his home life through social media. His wife is my friend on Facebook and her best friend is a good friend of mine. I sometimes see her on the way to/from school.

 

I see my MM about three times a week, usually one through club, sometimes he comes and visits when STBXH isn't around, and on Sundays when we go for long runs. However you could say our relationship is mostly online as we chat throughout the day and continuously for at least a couple of hours in the evenings.

[wmacbride]

So you and this guy are glued to your phone for much of the day/night texting?

 

Sounds to me like there are some kids,both yours and his, who are being shortchanged here.

 

Selfish parents all around. I'm not making any sort of comment on your h or his wife, as I have a feeling you couldn't give an unbiased opinion even if you tried. I've got a feeling that your "abusive" husband it being abused right back by you.

 

You paint your home life as being bad, and try to to make the excuse that divorcing is right for your child. What an amazing coincidence you finally realized you needed to go right after you met this married man you want to sleep with. What a lucky find for you! Interesting how, up until you started seeing this mm on the side, divorce for the sake of your daughter wasn't even on your radar.

 

btw, being social media friends with this women while you are catting around with her husband? That's a really sleazy move. Doesn't that prick your conscience at least a little bit?

[niteandfog]

So you and this guy are glued to your phone for much of the day/night texting?

 

Sounds to me like there are some kids,both yours and his, who are being shortchanged here.

 

Selfish parents all around. I'm not making any sort of comment on your h or his wife, as I have a feeling you couldn't give an unbiased opinion even if you tried. I've got a feeling that your "abusive" husband it being abused right back by you.

 

You paint your home life as being bad, and try to to make the excuse that divorcing is right for your child. What an amazing coincidence you finally realized you needed to go right after you met this married man you want to sleep with. What a lucky find for you! Interesting how, up until you started seeing this mm on the side, divorce for the sake of your daughter wasn't even on your radar.

 

btw, being social media friends with this women while you are catting around with her husband? That's a really sleazy move. Doesn't that prick your conscience at least a little bit?

 

I think his w is more than likely a lovely lady. People marry the wrong people all the time, that doesn't make Them bad people. She doesn't deserve a cheater for a husband this why he's divorcing

 

Btw I've been thinking of divorcing for the past six years but only now had the courage.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We're part of the same running club .. that's more or less how we met. I can see bits of his home life through social media. His wife is my friend on Facebook and her best friend is a good friend of mine.

 

You do know that sooner or later (probably sooner) someone is going to put two and two together why 2 people from the same running club are leaving their spouses at the same time, right?

[stillafool]

I think she means the ticking time bomb of the affair.

She wants the divorce done and dusted, before her husband finds out about the OM and the affair.

 

 

Yes it's best for her to be dishonest with her husband as to the real reason she wants the divorce. Some people are cowards.

[elaine567]

If i were you I think you should get yourself well lawyered up and assume your husband will find out.

Get the best deal you can for you and your daughter.

All very well to accept less, but make sure you know what it is exactly you are signing away, as the last thing you want is to accept less then have an irate husband pursuing you for more due to some loophole, forgotten in the rush to get it all done as quickly as possible...

[niteandfog]

If i were you I think you should get yourself well lawyered up and assume your husband will find out.

Get the best deal you can for you and your daughter.

All very well to accept less, but make sure you know what it is exactly you are signing away, as the last thing you want is to accept less then have an irate husband pursuing you for more due to some loophole, forgotten in the rush to get it all done as quickly as possible...

 

 

My lawyer knows of the affair, so I'm covered that way.

 

 

And yes I know someone will figure out that we separated at similar times, and fill in the gaps. But I'll have to face that when it happens

[wmacbride]

I think his w is more than likely a lovely lady. People marry the wrong people all the time, that doesn't make Them bad people. She doesn't deserve a cheater for a husband this why he's divorcing

 

Btw I've been thinking of divorcing for the past six years but only now had the courage.

 

It's good that you are divorcing, if it's what you feel is best.

 

It sounds to me like you are a person who does have a kind heart, and when you say who you are his wife's facebook friend, how she may well be a lovely lady, etc. that's all well and good, but know that the affair is hurting her, and it will hurt her even more when she finds out about it.

 

You may not have felt all that bad if you found out your husband had been cheating, but there is a very good chance that will not be the case for his wife. How doe sit feel knowing you have helped to put someone, who has done nothing to you an has even been fine offering you social media friendship, in that position?

 

Is that really who you are, deep down?

[niteandfog]

It's good that you are divorcing, if it's what you feel is best.

 

It sounds to me like you are a person who does have a kind heart, and when you say who you are his wife's facebook friend, how she may well be a lovely lady, etc. that's all well and good, but know that the affair is hurting her, and it will hurt her even more when she finds out about it.

 

You may not have felt all that bad if you found out your husband had been cheating, but there is a very good chance that will not be the case for his wife. How doe sit feel knowing you have helped to put someone, who has done nothing to you an has even been fine offering you social media friendship, in that position?

 

Is that really who you are, deep down?

 

Well I should have shown more restraint from the start and said no to him. I did have that opportunity, but I didn't and what's done it's done. I don't want her or her children to suffer (again what's done it's done so I can only do damage control).

 

What am I to do? Coming clean seems like the worst of all options. Tell him to go away until he sorts himself out? Maybe ... But I'm too selfish to let him go, I know he will return to me but I can't bear being without him. I'd be ok if that's what HE decides to do, but I'd never be able to suggest it.

 

The only thing I can do is support him in whatever way necessary to speed up his separations, not for my own advantage but because it's the fairest for everyone. Nobody deserves a cheater, well apart from cheaters we deserve each other.

[wmacbride]

Well I should have shown more restraint from the start and said no to him. I did have that opportunity, but I didn't and what's done it's done. I don't want her or her children to suffer (again what's done it's done so I can only do damage control).

 

What am I to do? Coming clean seems like the worst of all options. Tell him to go away until he sorts himself out? Maybe ... But I'm too selfish to let him go, I know he will return to me but I can't bear being without him. I'd be ok if that's what HE decides to do, but I'd never be able to suggest it.

 

The only thing I can do is support him in whatever way necessary to speed up his separations, not for my own advantage but because it's the fairest for everyone. Nobody deserves a cheater, well apart from cheaters we deserve each other.

 

Wow...you really are in the fog.

 

None of this is your decision.

 

Why do you feel in any sort of a position to make decisions like this for someone else?

 

Simply put, op, their marriage is NONE of your business. your "support" of him may well end up biting you in the backside. Quit frankly, it sounds like you have enough to tend to without adding his troubles to the mix.

[Birdies]

You should tell your husband about the affair before he finds out from someone else, which it sounds like he surely will. You two have to co-parent for a decade at least, maybe forever. Him finding out from someone else is going to make your future relationship WAY messier.

 

Also, I agree with the others. MM is a liar, you know that much already. Don't believe he's getting a divorce til you see it actually happening. Even then, men will often want to go play the field instead of settling down with their OW.

 

I'm not saying this to judge you.... I had a similar situation to you and have been in a happy R with my MM for a few years now, so it can happen and be a real and wonderful thing. BUT. Talk is cheap. Your guy seems pretty manipulative and able to say the right thing. Watch for ACTION.

Edited November 27, 2017 by Birdies

[BaileyB]

The only thing I can do is support him in whatever way necessary to speed up his separations, not for my own advantage but because it's the fairest for everyone.

 

It's lovely to know that you have his wife's best interest at heart. I'm being sarcastic of course, considering that you are [having sex with] her husband and about to break up the family they have created together.

 

You really are in the fog... Perhaps someday, you will gain some wisdom and develop some kind of appreciation for what you've done.

 

For fun, let's say that one day in the future your daughter marries a man and they have children together. Then, one day he joins a run club and meets a woman. One month later, he decides to leave your daughter and break up the family that she had been working to build... would you wish your cheating son-in-law well and hope for a quick divorce because that's what is "fairest for everyone?" I doubt it...

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

In a very strange way I envy OP a little for not [caring] what anyone thinks of her and her decisions.

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[niteandfog]

You know what? Maybe all of you are right! For the first time in these 5 weeks the affair has broken me. He's been quiet tonight, so my head clearly goes to "he's patching things up with his wife". And you know what I'm doing? I'm crying in my living room thinking that he's probably been lying to me the whole time. And I can live with that, I just want to know the truth, know where I stand. Which I guess, I'm the sucker who believed it all.

[deadsoul]

You know what? Maybe all of you are right! For the first time in these 5 weeks the affair has broken me. He's been quiet tonight, so my head clearly goes to "he's patching things up with his wife". And you know what I'm doing? I'm crying in my living room thinking that he's probably been lying to me the whole time. And I can live with that, I just want to know the truth, know where I stand. Which I guess, I'm the sucker who believed it all.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. But sadly, this is limerence for sure because you should feel secure in his silence... and you don’t.

 

Your best bet is to focus on you and your next steps. Whether or not he’s at the end of this road shouldn’t matter if you are truly divorcing for the “right” reasons (in other words, you are not divorcing because of MM).

 

You need actions. Not words from him. I agree with the others that you should be the one to tell your H. Don’t let him find out somewhere else. That’s not fair to him at all. It’s a risky game thinking he won’t find out, especially if he and Mm’s wife decide to compare notes.

[niteandfog]

I just remembered the mega cliche of yesterday . Kissing in the rain in an open filed while looking at the sea and I remembered I wanted that, I've always wanted it... So yes circumstances might not be ideal but at last I'm living it and I have to enjoy it otherwise it's not worth it. Just like when he came last week and my brain could simply not comprehend what I was feeling, tbh I still can't. And I would have loved to have met him 10-12 years ago, but that was simply impossible.

[BaileyB]

I just remembered the mega cliche of yesterday . Kissing in the rain in an open filed while looking at the sea and I remembered I wanted that, I've always wanted it... So yes circumstances might not be ideal but at last I'm living it and I have to enjoy it otherwise it's not worth it. Just like when he came last week and my brain could simply not comprehend what I was feeling, tbh I still can't. And I would have loved to have met him 10-12 years ago, but that was simply impossible.

 

That sounds more like a fairy tale than real life. I fear, that you are waiting and hoping for your fairy tale to come true... You are clinging to this ideal and trying so hard to justify this whole experience...

 

You need to tell your husband the truth and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. What will be, will be, with respect to your MM.

[niteandfog]

I'm actually not.... I know things won't always be this way. But I'm enjoying while it lasts. My Stbxh doesnt need to know anything... He's so insecure it will definitely break him. He's already started saying once I'm out of the house I'll start dating a runner :/

[Maddieandtae]

Until you realize how little you have control over in life in general you will continue to live in a bubble.

 

Affairs most often do come out to the surface. It might not be anytime soon or it could be today. Either way it's a life consequence for many people.

 

[]

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[niteandfog]

Until you realize how little you have control over in life in general you will continue to live in a bubble.

 

Affairs most often do come out to the surface. It might not be anytime soon or it could be today. Either way it's a life consequence for many people.

 

[]

 

But what's done is done right?

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and response to edited material

[niteandfog]

Have you ever considered his insecurity may be caused by your lies and cheating? You owe him your truth! That way he can understand it's ALL on YOU and there's nothing wrong with HIM!

 

Own it! You did this so own it.

 

Well I've been hearing I'll leave him for someone else the past 7 years or so... And never had an affair until now