Author niteandfog Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Why on earth are you going to counselling? Is that not just cruelty? You are raising the hopes of the poor man when you have no intention of staying in this marriage... We're mostly going to be able to keep things amicably and to know how to break the news to our daughter... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 We're mostly going to be able to keep things amicably and to know how to break the news to our daughter... It's good that you are doing this. It can make it much easier on your child. I was reading your latest responses, and there is really something "off" about this guy. The idea that he "serenaded" you ( was he drinking?) in the middle of the night, not caring who saw him or who he woke up. Think about that for a minute. This guy came to your house and risked waking up your husband and child. Think of what the outcome of that may have been? There's be a very angry husband who would be even angrier if he found out you had been cheating because your other man was out on the lawn making an ass out of himself. Imagine what that would have been like for your daughter. What kind of a person does this? Your husband would likely have been freaking out, and om may well have found himself running down the street, your soon to be ex in hot pursuit, ready to kick his rear. One it's face, his behvaior may sound cute, romantic and maybe even a bit funny. When you look beneath the surface, it's not. It's like he's in high school. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Yes, he was very, very drunk. He knew my daughter was at a sleepover (not that it would have made any difference I think). I also checked his GPS for yesterday's run , he went round in circles in the area he knew I was going to be, so he did plan it. He's not thinking of any consequences whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Yes, he was very, very drunk. He knew my daughter was at a sleepover (not that it would have made any difference I think). I also checked his GPS for yesterday's run , he went round in circles in the area he knew I was going to be, so he did plan it. He's not thinking of any consequences whatsoever. How do you feel about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 How do you feel about this? I honestly don't know... Part of me thinks well at least I do know he loves me (maybe in a slightly obsessive way) but his feelings are genuine nonetheless. Then there's the part of the children... This is a VERY small town. He says we need to do things as properly as we can, for in theory our kids have to get used to the idea of US. But being so careless doesn't seem to play well with this argument. The children WILL know. His wife teaches at our children's school. At least I'm taking the first step (which is independent of us to some extent), but he's done nothing. He should talk to his wife before we get caught. There's some damage control that can be done, but once the cat is out of the hat there will be nothing left to do :/ Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 (edited) It's not love. How can it be love - you hardly know each other. Do some reading - on the stages of relationships and limerance. At best, what he feels is infatuation for you, and it is obsessive at that... you have a way of taking things that would be red flags to anyone else and turning them into examples of love and compatibility... I love the earlier post - you should keep training because you are going to want to run from two men and an upset wife in the very near future... having lived in a very small town, this is going to be the TALK of the town when it comes out... which shouldn't be long. Be prepared. Edited November 20, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 My H has after a few days of pain, surprisingly well. We've agreed to most terms (if not all) but we're going for counseling and then make a final decision. The truth is that our marriage is broken. I guess it was broken beyond any possibility of repair once I became open (and even wishful) to the idea of an affair. This was probably a year ago if not longer. I don't want my husband anymore, I care about him in my own way (as I know he would be destroyed if he ever knows about the A), I still wish him the best. I don't think I'll be ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to him, no matter how much abuse I received from him. This is a step in the right direction, OP. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what everyone else says because I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears. Divorce is a big step. Your daughter needs you. Please put your focus on HER and making the transition for her go smoother. Keep your focus on your running. That's a good thing too. Do not focus on OM. Take a break. Tell him you are going to sort your life out and he should do the same. Once you both are in a stable place, then test out the waters and see where it goes. I have a feeling you'll ignore my advice... but there it is. Good luck, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
grass-hopper Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 (edited) It's not love. How can it be love - you hardly know each other. Do some reading - on the stages of relationships and limerance. At best, niteandfog, through this affair fog you must be able to recognize these feelings are not the real deal. Even though it feels as though it is. It’s all down to those feel good brain chemicals. Take the advice from BaileyB and read up on limerance. It takes you stage by stage on what people going through while in limerance. Someone posted a podcast in one of the threads by Joe Beam. I can’t find it. But maybe you can look it up and listen while on a run. It’s very insightful. I am in a similar situation as you so I am not here to call you out. But I think you are making a mistake in making such a huge life changing decision (the divorce) while you are in the midst of this A. This decision that will affect more than just you but a whole bunch of other innocent people. The most important one which is your child. You should leave both men. And work on YOU so that you will be a better mother and a happier more confident person who deserves more. Edited November 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Well I'm officially co-responsible of two family breakdowns. He's just told his wife he wants to leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Well I'm officially co-responsible of two family breakdowns. He's just told his wife he wants to leave her. And how does that feel when you look in the mirror today? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedlady77 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Have read this thread from start to finish and just ugh. OP - you seem to have no conscience at all and it's hard to see where your daughter fits into this situation at all. To be honest you both sound well suited. You both come across as immature, selfish and emotionally stunted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 He could say the same thing... That I'm a cheater. Something that I don't plan to be ever again. I don't plan to marry him, financially it's just way too complicated, plus I have my daughter to think about, she's the rightful future owner of everything I own. Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 WaywardS saying not to confess to spare the BS the pain is a false statement. Except if you are going to immediately divorce. You started down this path, Nitefog, now finish it. Divorce your husband and make your life what it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 WaywardS saying not to confess to spare the BS the pain is a false statement. Except if you are going to immediately divorce. You started down this path, Nitefog, now finish it. Divorce your husband and make your life what it will be. But I am.. we've agreed on the terms..I'm finalizing it by EOW Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I honestly don't know... Part of me thinks well at least I do know he loves me (maybe in a slightly obsessive way) but his feelings are genuine nonetheless. Then there's the part of the children... This is a VERY small town. He says we need to do things as properly as we can, for in theory our kids have to get used to the idea of US. But being so careless doesn't seem to play well with this argument. The children WILL know. His wife teaches at our children's school. At least I'm taking the first step (which is independent of us to some extent), but he's done nothing. He should talk to his wife before we get caught. There's some damage control that can be done, but once the cat is out of the hat there will be nothing left to do :/ Please think about his behavior a bit more. He is acting like an idiot. It's go nothing to do with love. It's becoming obsessive, and that can be dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 But I am.. we've agreed on the terms..I'm finalizing it by EOW Okay, I'm confused. You can finalize a divorce in less than two weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 I don't mean finalised as being single again..just that we're talking to lawyers to get the ball rolling. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 I don't mean finalised as being single again..just that we're talking to lawyers to get the ball rolling. Thanks for the clarification. I was wondering where you lived that you could get a divorce so fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 One tip. Arrange your affairs first and without regard to his situation. I know. I know nothing of him but I can guess he is the type who will try to inveigle himself into your life once he has learned you are getting divorced His divorce (if it happens) isn't your divorce so his advice must be politely ignored. Your divorce isn't his business so deflect any attempts to become involved in divorce conversations. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Do so to learn what divorce involves and what your life may look like afterwards. Learn if fault has any bearing on property split and custody issues. Learn how long it may take contested or uncontested. Be careful. BF isn't acting like he's 100% wrapped together. I hope he finds another target for his affection. He is a distraction you don't need right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I filed for divorce yesterday. My AP wasn't nosey about it at all. He just wished me luck and the like. My STBXH has become a total *hole regarding the splitting of assets. He's basically keeping everything and I'm just getting $30k... So glad I don't have to share my life with someone so greedy. He says he'll be out of his house before the year ends. I'm getting my own place soon, but he's not moving in. We both know that if our kids are to accept our relationship we have to delay the meeting for a very long time, although he's hopeful we'll spend next Xmas together. I've spoken to different therapists and they've both seen my AF as a positive thing. He's helped me mend my relationship with my sister and bizarrely even with my dad. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I'll try to keep it short. this man hunted me down (through social media). It all started flirty and we even sexted. but the more we know each other the more it becomes mellow and romantic and less and less "sexy". We've said a few "i love yous" here and there, we've kissed. He keeps telling me I helped him find "his voice" again, that I'm the closest thing he's had to a best friend in a long time... If it was only sex, I would have already given it to him (and he knows this), what would he get out telling me all of this? the connection is genuine, it really is. But what does he actually want? Its good you're divorcing your husband but as for this MM, you really don't "know" him. So in less than a month you're thinking you two will end up together, he'll divorce his wife and by next year it'll be a happy blended family? Sorry but if you truly believe this, you need to find a new therapist. And your kids/his kids will have a lot of adjusting to do and possibly counseling IF you two do become a real couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I don't believe it... I'm hopeful. Yes I don't know him. He might be a nightmare to live with. He could do all sorts of things that right now I'm clueless about and might really annoy me. All I know is that if I had met him 10 years ago or even now under "normal" circumstances I would still have wanted to date him. We've actually talked about dating once he moves out. Actual dating... Like going out for meals and concerts. He's not moving in with me. We're not thinking we'll be a perfect blended family a year from now.... Simply that we'll be able to go public about our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Well thank goodness you are not planning to move in together and you are planning to actually get to know each other (ie. going to dinner and a movie). Although considering the way in which this relationship has progressed and the total lack of impulsive control you both have shown, I would not be surprised if your plans change quickly... And, of course, he still has yet to actually leave his wife... I am another who thinks you should be looking for a new therapist. Your marriage sounded very unhealthy and it's probably not a bad thing that you left. However, the fact that you made an impulse decision to blow your marriage and your daughter's life up for a man that you hardly know... Well, that is terrible judgment and any therpaist who supports that kind of selfishness and poor decision making is not a very good therapist, in my humble opinion. Although, I can well imagine that you are hearing what you want to hear right now... As for your husband, how did you expect him to feel after you did what you did? Did you expect that he would be amicable and say... Absolutely, take what you want? As someone who engaged in an extramarital affair and left your husband in a matter of a month - to say that you are glad you don't have to spend your life with someone who is so selfish and greedy is more than a little hypocritical, don't you think? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 And how's his break from his wife going? This is quite neat and tidy, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Well no... But I expected my 50%... I make about the same as he does and I've given more for the house deposit than he ever did. I pay for the car and I'm not keeping either... Im not getting divorced because I met my MM I'm getting divorced because I needed to. My life was miserable with him, I wanted out years ago I have no idea why I stayed for so long. As for him and his divorce... Well I know he had two fights this week and he was hopeful to move out soon. I don't ask about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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