My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[BaileyB]

Just to clarify it was never in his plans to come clean. Not I think it will be. He just wants a clean separation so our small town won't judge us.

 

Too late. You chose the behavior, you accept the consequences.

 

My best friend's mother was caught having an affair with the neighbour down the street when we were children. The mother left town to get away from the situation and my best friend refuses to talk about the situation, even to this day. It changed the entire course of all their lives...

 

To think that you could do something like is and not get caught/have to deal with the consequences and judgment is as incredibly entitled, selfish and unrealistic.

Edited December 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[jenkins95]

He denied any sort of involvement to save my reputation.

 

Well what a hero!! (Rolls eyes)

 

Come on niteandfog, he denied involvement TO SAVE HIS OWN ASS! Surely you see that?

[jah526]

In a nutshell if he keeps his word, great! I'm sure we can have an awesome relationship. If he doesn't, well thanks for participating and showing me I can be happy again... I've found my own path again.

 

Have you told him this? Maybe the fact that you can take him or leave him, doesn't really matter, would help him decide whether he should blow up his life for you.

 

Do the kind thing and let him go.

[niteandfog]

So, in reality, he never intended to tell her last weekend...and he's not planning to move... did I get that right?

 

If so, he's just a common cheater and liar.

 

No that was his plan. And according to him it almost happened until he sent the text.

 

Also, as a side note, his wife is currently in hospital, so it wasn't the best timing either. (It's a programmed thing)

[BaileyB]

No that was his plan. And according to him it almost happened until he sent the text.

 

Also, as a side note, his wife is currently in hospital, so it wasn't the best timing either. (It's a programmed thing)

 

Well, that just makes it even worse... Are you for real? Why would he plan to leave his wife and the mother of his children days before she is scheduled to go into hospital? That's terrible.

[niteandfog]

Well, that just makes it even worse... Are you for real? Why would he plan to leave his wife and the mother of his children days before she is scheduled to go into hospital? That's terrible.

 

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

[Confusedlady77]

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

 

He sounds like he has no conscience to be honest. I'd be detaching myself from him if I were you.

[BaileyB]

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

 

Who, with a clean conscience, would have done a lot of the things he has done...

 

That is a rationalization, to make his behavior better in your mind. If he is "emotionally detatched" from her, then it's ok for him to leave his wife in the hospital and come and have sex with you. But - it's not.

 

Imagine, that you are her. Imagine, how that would feel. And know... That someday, you will be her. This guy has no conscience - if he will do it to her, he will do it to you. It's only a matter of time.

[niteandfog]

Who, with a clean conscience, would have done a lot of the things he has done...

 

That is a rationalization, to make his behavior better in your mind. If he is "emotionally detatched" from her, then it's ok for him to leave his wife in the hospital and come and have sex with you. But - it's not.

 

Imagine, that you are her. Imagine, how that would feel. And know... That someday, you will be her. This guy has no conscience - if he will do it to her, he will do it to you. It's only a matter of time.

 

When we become an actual couple (if it happens of course!), I hope I'll be able to tell when he's this unhappy so it doesn't reach this point ever again.

 

IN other news STBXH has been really ice about the whole thing. We had a long talk and we realised that our divorce comes at the right time before things could have gone really sour. We still have enough power within us to remain REALLY good friends. That counts for a lot

[BaileyB]

When we become an actual couple (if it happens of course!), I hope I'll be able to tell when he's this unhappy so it doesn't reach this point ever again.

 

Good luck with that. Not to be too cynical, but that is incredibly naive....

[niteandfog]

It's also very clear to me that his marriage is 100% unredeemable, just because of him. He's completely checked out of it. And quite frankly I doubt I was the reason for this

[imsosad]

When we become an actual couple (if it happens of course!), I hope I'll be able to tell when he's this unhappy so it doesn't reach this point ever again.

 

IN other news STBXH has been really ice about the whole thing. We had a long talk and we realised that our divorce comes at the right time before things could have gone really sour. We still have enough power within us to remain REALLY good friends. That counts for a lot

Are you seriously blaming her for not "noticing" poor little hubby is unhappy?!

Are you really blaming her for his poor behavior?

Please.

He is responsible for his own happiness.

Being emotionally detached does not justify going so low.

If a text message causes such a mess, maybe they are not as detached as you think.

Being detached, checked out, whatever is not a free pass to be a total ****head. A grown man should be able to deal a lot better with frustration in his life. It's not her, it's him.

[Maddieandtae]

niteandfog I don't think anyone can be clear about anyone else's life.

 

"It's also very clear to me that his marriage is 100% unredeemable, just because of him. He's completely checked out of it. And quite frankly I doubt I was the reason for this"

[niteandfog]

Are you seriously blaming her for not "noticing" poor little hubby is unhappy?!

Are you really blaming her for his poor behavior?

Please.

He is responsible for his own happiness.

Being emotionally detached does not justify going so low.

If a text message causes such a mess, maybe they are not as detached as you think.

Being detached, checked out, whatever is not a free pass to be a total ****head. A grown man should be able to deal a lot better with frustration in his life. It's not her, it's him.

 

I never said it was her! I just said that as soon as I noticed he's unhappy I would put an end to it as I know his track record. I have been married, I know that ultimately my happiness is my own responsibility, but my relationship with my spouse would clearly play a role.

 

The text message clearly said he loved someone else, I would be pretty upset too...

[Be_Strong]

It's also very clear to me that his marriage is 100% unredeemable, just because of him. He's completely checked out of it. And quite frankly I doubt I was the reason for this

Even if you are right that he is completely checked out of his marriage, guys have an amazing ability to check right back into the marriage when needed.

 

Take care of your own business, and if he leaves his wife you can pursue an open relationship with him and if he doesn’t leave, oh well, you are free to date whoever you want.

[georgia girl]

The more I read this thread, the more bizarre it gets. It feels almost completely void of reality or human emotion.

 

This guy was planning on talking to his wife before she went into the hospital for a planned event? In that conversation, he wasn’t going to admit to an affair but instead trickle truth her that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce, likely causing her to be confused, hurt and blaming herself. And then, she was going to have to come home and rebuild her life without the support of her spouse while recovering from surgery (it sounds like) and dealing with her children’s pain.

 

But, because he inadvertently sent a text professing his love for another, he’s back home for the holidays and they are going to pretend to be together to get through the season for their kids. On top of that, her family knows and they are all going to just accept it because it’s best for everyone? Or best for Niteandfog and her MM? In the meantime, life is going to go on for OP and her MM with them running and dating and planning their future.

 

Oh, and the poster is going to make sure he never checks out of their relationship, which is wife blaming regardless of whether or not she admits

It. When does he have to take responsibility for either his emotions or his actions? The guy sounds like either the biggest jerk on the planet and/or pathological.

 

Regardless, OP, I think you are hearing from him a lot of what you want to hear and ignoring the reality. He was supposed to leave and now he is home. He says it’s temporary, but how else could he plausibly explain being home?

 

I know you don’t want to hear it but I think you need to take a big dose of skepticism. And to be honest, it truly sounds like the worst thing in the world

for any woman would be to end up as this guy’s partner.

[wmacbride]

No that was his plan. And according to him it almost happened until he sent the text.

 

Also, as a side note, his wife is currently in hospital, so it wasn't the best timing either. (It's a programmed thing)

 

I'm not sure which i more troubling. His behavior, or your willingness to blithely point out what he's doing to his wife.

 

Quite frankly, I think the fact that you are so attracted to him is very telling about you both.

[wmacbride]

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

 

This begs the question of what sot of a person has sex with someone who has a spouse in the hospital.

 

I get you are trying to make it sound like he is detached from her, but in reality, you are just making both of you look worse and worse all the time.

 

SO he's out having sex with you while his wife is in the hospital, rather than staying with his kids who could well be very frightened for their mom....and you were okay with that? Your desire to sleep with this guy overrode your conscience about his children? That doesn't exactly put you in a positive light either.

 

You two deserve each other. you really do.

[niteandfog]

Kids were at school... So it's not like he didn't look after them to have sex with me. His wife was getting some diagnostics done as far as I know and he was snot supposed to be with her in hospital until later during the day. Which he did btw

[DKT3]

Part of me feels this isn't real, well I should say hoping it isn't real. Both OP and AP show sociopathic tendencies, and seem to totally lack empathy for ANYONE, kids included.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Kids were at school... So it's not like he didn't look after them to have sex with me. His wife was getting some diagnostics done as far as I know and he was snot supposed to be with her in hospital until later during the day. Which he did btw

 

What a guy

[georgia girl]

What a guy

 

I know, right?

[Cullenbohannon]

IN other news STBXH has been really ice about the whole thing. We had a long talk and we realised that our divorce comes at the right time before things could have gone really sour. We still have enough power within us to remain REALLY good friends. That counts for a lot

 

Whatever you do, don't plan B your husband when this blows up as these people seem to predict.

 

You wrote his children were crying when they learned of the betrayal. If he leaves, his children will never accept you. His children know about you and the anguish you are causing. The fallout of your affair has affected his children and if you try to blend families, your daughter may receive the backlash. You have to let this one go.

 

Your love story is over.

 

Keep the focus on a amicable divorce, where it belongs. In time, you will find love. He is not and never will be your forever

Edited December 9, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[BaileyB]

Kids were at school... So it's not like he didn't look after them to have sex with me.

 

Are you trying to defend him and what you have done, because you are failing miserably...

[Dreamwalker17]

OP, I hope you leave this weirdo mm behind asap and move on with your life.

Unless you leave a lot of info out, your ap sounds pretty terrible all around, you really don't need anyone like that in yours and your daughter's life.

 

If he was about to tell his wife that he was going to move out and end the marriage, there was no need to try to explain away the texts, to stay for Christmas etc, how can you not see he is full of it and is lying to you face, please stop defending his despicable behavior.

 

Please take good care of yourself and don't count on him for anything, the proverbial bus is fast approaching and you will be thrown under it in no time.