The losses add up

[neowulf]

So I think I'm heading for what will be my 14th breakup of a 2 year+ relationship.

 

I've always entered into relationships in good faith, hoping for the best, but again and again, things just fall apart.

 

The sense of loss is what has begun to break me down.

 

I have folders of photo's, full of faces I'll never see again. Chunks of my life just edited out, like they never existed.

 

Families I've been invited into, only to have to abandon.

Friendships lost.

 

I just turned 39 and I just.. I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

[grays]

That does sound kind of rough. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I've had one 25 year relationship that failed miserably and I feel like that's probably no better.

 

You really never know what's around the corner. I've been single for three years and feel like I have met man after man who's great in a lot of ways but always emotionally unavailable. Then completely out of nowhere I met a guy in a parking lot, when I wasn't really looking, who isn't that way. Even if it doesn't work out I'm thankful to know it exists. Anyway, I hope you do find one that works for you soon.

[neowulf]

That does sound kind of rough. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I've had one 25 year relationship that failed miserably and I feel like that's probably no better.

 

You really never know what's around the corner. I've been single for three years and feel like I have met man after man who's great in a lot of ways but always emotionally unavailable. Then completely out of nowhere I met a guy in a parking lot, when I wasn't really looking, who isn't that way. Even if it doesn't work out I'm thankful to know it exists. Anyway, I hope you do find one that works for you soon.

 

No, I can't imagine losing a 25 year relationship is any easier at all.

 

People seem to be happy to accept the knowledge that a physical scar will never really heal, will always be there, but some how the emotional scars are over looked.

 

I feel like I've buried so many of my loved ones. People I spoke to every day, shared ups and downs with. People who swore they loved me. All gone.

 

Every loss just seems to compound on itself, making it harder and harder to connect the next time.

 

There's a sense of fatalism you get, a sense that no matter what you do, the ending is always the same.

[Cora]

I could have written your post myself. I feel your pain. I just turned 35 and all my relationships or almost relationships have failed. Every time gets harder and harder. I actually fear getting close to men now because I know it's only a matter of time before the relationship ends. It's like I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. It's no longer a question of if, but when. I've always envisioned my life very differently. I've always wanted a family. I adore children and never in a million years did I think I'd be 35, single with no kids. Now I feel like time is running out for me. I'm just tired. I'm now thinking that maybe it's just not meant to be for me.

[neowulf]

I could have written your post myself. I feel your pain. I just turned 35 and all my relationships or almost relationships have failed. Every time gets harder and harder. I actually fear getting close to men now because I know it's only a matter of time before the relationship ends. It's like I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. It's no longer a question of if, but when. I've always envisioned my life very differently. I've always wanted a family. I adore children and never in a million years did I think I'd be 35, single with no kids. Now I feel like time is running out for me. I'm just tired. I'm now thinking that maybe it's just not meant to be for me.

 

If you could have written my OP, then I could have written your reply.

 

That's exactly how I feel. That the constant failures have ruined my faith in my ability to build something that lasts.

 

People have warned me this runs the risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Objectively, I agree with them, but I'm honestly not sure what to do about it.

 

You can say "I'm going to be open this time", but that doesn't mean your feelings will follow suite.

 

I suppose it's just the final phase of growing up. That point where you realise that "some day" isn't coming. That the life you've got is the life you've got. I shouldn't complain. I've known more than a few people who didn't get to live long enough to worry about their futures.

 

I'm already being treated for general depression. This just all makes it worse.

 

So yes, I know your pain too friend. At least we're not alone.

Edited November 20, 2017 by neowulf

[gpete3008]

Oh boy. That stinks. I'm sorry you are going through this. There are very few things more frustrating than failed relationships. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor about your situation? There might be a common thread that you can't see now but might exist that causes these relationships to fail. Perhaps a few chats with a professional who deals with these types of issues can help you identify and possibly correct what is causing these failures. Keep in mind we all have flaws. The key is to admit, identify, and then fix the ones we can.

[Steve51]

I went through 30+ girls, one a fiancé and two others live in girlfriends. Met a lot of parents too. Was cheated on twice, once by my fiancé of 4 years. All this before the age of 20. I started dating when I was 11. Had an 18 year old girlfriend when I was 14. Then one day I was coming home from work. Ran for a train for the first time in my life and saw my wife at the other end of the railcar. I spoke to her and three weeks later we were engaged and last month marked our 45th wedding anniversary. So you never know.

 

However you do need to find out why you cannot maintain a relationship or you will keep repeating the same mistakes. As they say, maybe the problem is not with all of them but with you. For me, I was unable to be monogamous and that always got in the way. I realized that I was not going to change and that it was a waste of time pursuing women who wanted monogamy so I changed. My wife is bisexual so we were able to play with other women as a couple. No need to sneak around. We ended up forming a poly triad for most of our marriage with my wife's best friend and long time crush of mine. Great life and the love of two women. We each had difficulty in keep or finding a partner due to our particular needs. Together we were perfect.

 

My point is to know why you failed before and either change yourself or find better mates who fit your needs. I had two friends in their late 30's, early 40's who went through girlfriends like water. Their problem was obvious to all but them. They wanted the type of girls that would not last long with them. One wanted the Playboy Playmate girl next door type but he was not the type of guy a girl like that would want for long. He always waited for the girl to make the first move and even when he got some to live with him, he was so set in his ways that he would start arguments about which shelf to put the milk on in his refrigerator. He wanted everything his way and sooner or later this came out in the relationship and he could not take it anymore and had to say something about how things should be in his home. So know yourself first. Heck, my wife was a virgin until she was 19 because she was confused about her sexuality. She never got to have a steady boyfriend. Society told her that there was no such thing as bisexuality and that if she was attracted to women she was a lesbian and she knew she was not. She wanted a boyfriend but also enjoyed sex with girls. No desire to date a woman or be romantic with her, just sex and a male husband to make her feel safe and secure. I ended up being that lucky guy and she was the answer to my dreams. We are perfect for each other as we let each other be who they want/need to be. We remained individuals rather than viewed ourselves as half of a couple. I did not have to pretend I was monogamous or my wife pretend that she was straight. Once we both were realistic about who we were and what kind of person was best suited for us and not what we wanted to have as arm candy or some idealized version of a mate, we did well. Examine your failures and not like most do trying to find out what the other person did wrong.

[neowulf]

You both make excellent points about my own contribution to these failures.

 

I experienced the failure of a 6 year relationship in my 20's that ended badly, with a lot of personal shame on my side. She was the last woman I can honestly say I felt "in love" with.

 

Since then, my feelings always seem to plateau at "Deep caring". I never seem to be able to fall deeply in love anymore

 

Early on, this isn't a problem. Most people don't fall head over heals at first sight.. but as time goes on and my girls feelings grow deeper, we run into problems.

 

Eventually they want more than I can provide. I'm not choosing to withhold from them out of spite. I just reach a point where I realise I can't love them like they love me. At that point, I usually decide it's kinder on them to let it go. I don't want to trap anyone in a loveless marriage.

 

This pattern has repeated over and over again, ever since that first, horrible break up. I feel like it broke something in me. Changed me.

 

I've seen counselors about it. The general advice seems to be "It's in the past, let it go. Move on.". I don't consciously beat myself up anymore about it, but I wonder if somewhere deeper inside me, I'm still trying to punish myself for my mistakes.

 

I don't want to go through the ****storm of divorce. I've seen it up close a few times and it's horrible. I'd rather choose carefully up front and avoid pain for everyone involved.

 

I'd like to break this cycle. I'm just not even sure what's going on or how to go about changing it.

[wishyouneverleft]

You both make excellent points about my own contribution to these failures.

 

I experienced the failure of a 6 year relationship in my 20's that ended badly, with a lot of personal shame on my side. She was the last woman I can honestly say I felt "in love" with.

 

Since then, my feelings always seem to plateau at "Deep caring". I never seem to be able to fall deeply in love anymore

 

Early on, this isn't a problem. Most people don't fall head over heals at first sight.. but as time goes on and my girls feelings grow deeper, we run into problems.

 

Eventually they want more than I can provide. I'm not choosing to withhold from them out of spite. I just reach a point where I realise I can't love them like they love me. At that point, I usually decide it's kinder on them to let it go. I don't want to trap anyone in a loveless marriage.

 

This pattern has repeated over and over again, ever since that first, horrible break up. I feel like it broke something in me. Changed me.

 

I've seen counselors about it. The general advice seems to be "It's in the past, let it go. Move on.". I don't consciously beat myself up anymore about it, but I wonder if somewhere deeper inside me, I'm still trying to punish myself for my mistakes.

 

I don't want to go through the ****storm of divorce. I've seen it up close a few times and it's horrible. I'd rather choose carefully up front and avoid pain for everyone involved.

 

I'd like to break this cycle. I'm just not even sure what's going on or how to go about changing it.

 

 

You're not alone. Although I feel I am in love with this current woman I'm with, it's not even 1/10000000 of what I felt for my ex. I'm in my 30's as well and she was the one and only that brought out this intense love that one would call "head over heels", the kind you knock down city walls for, start wars, and even give up a limb. I was going to propose and marry her without a prenup, against everyone's better judgement.

[Hoosfoos]

47yo here. I've endured 4 dumpings in the last decade, the last of which almost killed me. People tell me that I need to look forward and not back, but that speaks nothing to the damage I've sustained from my past. I can't see myself trusting again. Marriage and a family? Probably out of the question at this point. My last ex is pregnant and gets the old happily ever after. I get a dog's breakfast.

[Cora]

Funny thing is as much as I desired a family with my own children, I was willing to give up on all of that for my ex. He already had two kids of his own and did not desire anymore. He had the vasectomy and everything, but I was willing to give up on my dream of having children in order to keep him in my life. I loved him that much. Well he ends up leaving me anyway. I guess that's life for ya.

[SevenCity]

I can relate. It's not every day that you fall head over heals in love. It only happened to me once with my ex. The reference of starting wars and knocking down walls is very accurate.

 

 

Things have not been the same but I press on. In my mid 40s there are not a lot of women that meet my criteria and I have yet to find one that I even remotely care when it ends after a few months.

 

On the bright side, I don't think I want a woman to have that much power that 1.5 years later she's still on my mind daily. No thanks.

[Vivir]

I want to offer hugs to all of you who have responded to this thread. I, too, feel tired and withdrawn when considering future relationships, specifically because of my past relationships, like I no longer have the energy to try even. I have found myself asking What's the point?

 

I have attempted to discuss this with people in my life. If I were to say to some of them what has been written in this thread, I swear, those people will tell me that I am the one speaking negativity into the universe! That angers me so much! I am speaking about facts that have shaped my perspective... It doesn't mean that I am being or trying to be negative; I don't want negative things to happen in my relationship future... but I would like to express my concerns freely and openly.

 

It sucks that so many people are finding themselves feeling the same as me and all of you, but I am happy not to be alone. I honestly thought it was just me for the longest time

[Nothingtolose]

I could have written your post myself. I feel your pain. I just turned 35 and all my relationships or almost relationships have failed. Every time gets harder and harder. I actually fear getting close to men now because I know it's only a matter of time before the relationship ends. It's like I'm just waiting for the ball to drop. It's no longer a question of if, but when. I've always envisioned my life very differently. I've always wanted a family. I adore children and never in a million years did I think I'd be 35, single with no kids. Now I feel like time is running out for me. I'm just tired. I'm now thinking that maybe it's just not meant to be for me.

 

Cora, 33 here, single and no kids - i feel like I could have written your post myself. I have always loved kids, and thought I'd be married with kids by 27. Life definitely took a very different turn for me and after several failed relationships, I still sometimes struggle to accept that this is how it's going to end up. My heart breaks every time I see someone else getting engaged/married/pregnant.

[burnt]

I don't want to go through the ****storm of divorce. I've seen it up close a few times and it's horrible. I'd rather choose carefully up front and avoid pain for everyone involved.

Yes, divorce is a horrible mess. It does so much damage to both parities—emotional, financial, family ties, history made together, and all that.

 

This pattern has repeated over and over again, ever since that first, horrible break up. I feel like it broke something in me. Changed me.

 

A bit ironice, wouldn’t you say?

The worst pain you have experienced, the most damaging heartbreak you went through which has broken you permanently seems to have come from a breakup--not a divorce.

 

So, perhaps, divorce isn't as horrible as you dread it to be.

No, I'm not advocating for divorce--nor am I suggesting that divorce is a fun thing, but I am saying that there are many many breakups that leave a far more damaging ever-lasting scars in us than divorces do.

 

You might be thinking of "saving" those girls of farther pain by ending things early on, but they might be at the height of their emotional attachments to you--which means, breaking things off at that time might cause a pain intense enough to do more damage than a typical divorce might.

 

I understand nobody wants to go through a divorce, but you seem to have so much fear around the concept of a marriage ending in divorce, that you have convinced yourself that a breakup before getting married is less painful. That's not always the case.

 

If you sample a number of people, even from this site alone, how many would say that their worst damaging pain came from a divorce? How many would say their deepest scar came from a short lived romantic relationship?

 

I am not generalizing, but when a marriage ends in divorce, it’s awful, but both parties also have seen the good, the bad, the uglies of their partner long enough to be able to end things and move forward with some closure.

 

When your typical unmarried romantic relationships end, there is still all the “hope of the future”, how things could have been, should have been, all the incomplete dreams, unfulfilled plans. In some ways, these unknown/unfulfilled/unrequitted wishes/thoughts/plans make the pain last longer, sometimes forever.

 

WHAT IF:

that one relationship you had years ago, DID go through a marriage. What if, you and your partner did force yourselves to get married despite all odds?

Worst case scenario, it would have ended with so much ugliness and mess, that you might not still be going through so much lingering emotions for that ONE relationship; perhaps, you might have been seeing her with resentment and hate now, instead of gentle loving emotions and regrets, which, so sadly and ironically is keeping you from giving yourself fully to someone else.

See the irony there? The fact that it was so emotionally deep is what’s holding you back now.

 

So now,

WHAT IF,

you and your partner, choose to continue, perhaps through marriage, despite all odds?

Yeah, I know, it’s a horrible thought…I’m not suggesting you do that; I’m only asking you to entertain the thought!

Then what?

Option 1: you two make it—not with fuzzy head over heels love, but something more subtle but enduring that grows with time.

Option 2: you two don’t make it after a while; end up hating each other and things end miserably a few years down the road. Yeah, that happens; life is messy.

 

Option 3: end it now, as you are “heading toward a breakup” anyway. Say goodbye in peaceful terms. You will feel safe temporarily and feel good that things ended amicably. Maybe you two will even remain as platonic friends.

Then … you start the search again—with the hope of… … …

 

… Wait, now that’s a good question:

what are you hoping for?

 

What are you hoping to gain in the next relationship? What are you hoping the next person will have that current one or any of the previous ones didn’t?

 

Sorry, I don’t have answers/suggestions/advice for you—just a bunch of questions for you to ponder upon, at best.

That’s what my therapist does; I was in tears the other day, asking her “can you please tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life?”. All she did was threw another question at me.

 

I just ended things with the last man I was dating a couple of weeks ago, telling him that I FINALLY am seeing clearly that I am always going to be alone no matter what. I’m just going to force myself to accept that now. I am resigning from trying.

Not a fun thing—but let’s see where my life goes now and for how long I can survive that way.

[neowulf]

… Wait, now that’s a good question:

what are you hoping for?

 

What are you hoping to gain in the next relationship? What are you hoping the next person will have that current one or any of the previous ones didn’t?

 

Good to see you Burnt. Thought provoking as always.

 

You ask what it is I'm hoping for?

 

Honestly? Certainty. Not in the future, I know there's no such thing.

 

No, what I want is to feel this;

 

"I want this. I want this woman in my life. I can't imagine living without her. I can imagine growing old with her. Building a life with her. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I want to face it with her by my side"

 

I don't want to have to talk myself into taking every step forward. I don't want to have to "convince" myself that this is the right choice. I just want to know. To know in my heart that no matter what comes next, *this* is what I want right now.

 

But I don't feel that. I feel unsure. Uncertain. My feelings are vague. They're *always* vague. I care. Do I love? Is this love? Am I even capable of love anymore? Is this the best I can offer a woman now? Am I being unrealistic?

 

I break up with these woman to spare them the pain of investing X years, only to find that it all ends in flames. I break up to save the finical pain of having to sell everything off, to deal not only with the emotional pain of separation, but the costs associated.

 

I'm a big believer that prevention is better than cure. By a long shot. I've seen people walk into the fire, knowing it would burn them. There's a reason I've gotten to this age without major debt, or kids, or an ex wife.

 

I'm careful.

 

Maybe too careful? But that's the cost of avoiding shooting myself in the foot.

[Cora]

Cora, 33 here, single and no kids - i feel like I could have written your post myself. I have always loved kids, and thought I'd be married with kids by 27. Life definitely took a very different turn for me and after several failed relationships, I still sometimes struggle to accept that this is how it's going to end up. My heart breaks every time I see someone else getting engaged/married/pregnant.

 

Oh do I feel your pain! I work in a field where I issue birth certificates. It's so tough seeing all the new mothers come in....so happy with their newborn babies. The husband/fathers are right there with them smiling from ear to ear. I look at them with their perfect little family and wonder how did they get so lucky? And what am I doing wrong in my life? Sigh...I'm even jealous of the young teenage mothers who come in. I can't even fathom what a wonderful miracle it must be to be a mother. My heart breaks too every time I hear about someone getting engaged/married/pregnant. It's like when is it my turn already? How much longer do I have to wait? It's torture. ....but I'm learning to accept that marriage and a family just may not be in the cards for me.

[Fair]

I just wrote a post espousing essentially the same types of feelings and basically got kicked in the mouth instead of the outpouring of understanding you've been given here... lol..

 

I feel for you, I really do. Life and relationships are tough. It's something to expect to a degree because loss is a part of life but it's when the losses keep adding up that you start to wonder what the hell it's all for... it's hard to keep your chin up. But I sympathize and know exactly where you're coming from and what you feel. don't know if that helps, but...

[Fair]

I hate to say it, and I used to loathe people who did this, but I'm beginning to question all my beliefs now wondering if one should just roll the dice no matter what and take the chance... have the affair with the married man... run off to Jamaica with a stranger... throw caution to the wind... without putting yourself in complete danger, that is... do use some common sense. But LIVE. Before it's too late. If it's all going to end badly anyway, might as well just do it all and get something out of life otherwise, if you try constantly to be the good one, the noble one, you're not going to get anything out of life except a bunch of men who'll leave anyway because they think they're not worthy of you. And you sit alone with a scrapbook all alone in your room, crying over it.

 

There are no single men where I live, but there are married ones here who are attracted to me. I'm beginning to think if the opportunity comes close enough i'm going to bite. To hell with the rules and conventions of what everyone expects to be a one size fits all, effed up society. Where has it gotten me?

 

In the end it's your life... our lives... and everyone else is dictating them for us. Go take leaps you never would before out of fear. Dare I say we might actually end up happy and fulfilled for a change. Things might work out for the best but even if they don't you know what they say.... if you haven't made mistakes you haven't lived. So go live and who cares what the hell anyone thinks? You may end up having a hell of a good time living life to fullest instead of letting society restrict what you do.

 

this may have veered a little off topic, but not really... actually. We get sad and depressed because other people pull the rug out from under us... start pulling it out from under them for a change and who cares what they think? Live for yourself. You only get one time around.

[neowulf]

You only get one time around.

 

Completely agree with you Fair.

 

I've always said to people, you can live what ever like you like, treat people how ever you see fit. With one important caveat. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and live with your choices.

 

I try to be kind. I try to act with thought and consideration. I care for those around me. I seek to avoid causing pain, where ever possible. I feel regret and shame for the mistakes I've made, for the people I've hurt.

 

I am not living by others rules. I'm living by my code. The belief in who I am and what my principles are. I try hard to make good choices, even the hard ones. I try to be a good man. Not because the world expects it of me, but because I expect it of myself.

 

I just wish things would turn out differently. I wish I could get the life I imagined for myself to materialize. I wish I knew where I was going wrong and how to fix myself.

[Fair]

Completely agree with you Fair.

 

I've always said to people, you can live what ever like you like, treat people how ever you see fit. With one important caveat. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and live with your choices.

 

I try to be kind. I try to act with thought and consideration. I care for those around me. I seek to avoid causing pain, where ever possible. I feel regret and shame for the mistakes I've made, for the people I've hurt.

 

I am not living by others rules. I'm living by my code. The belief in who I am and what my principles are. I try hard to make good choices, even the hard ones. I try to be a good man. Not because the world expects it of me, but because I expect it of myself.

 

I just wish things would turn out differently. I wish I could get the life I imagined for myself to materialize. I wish I knew where I was going wrong and how to fix myself.

 

I did this all my life and just sometimes feel desperate to break out of it as if it's some kind of a prison more than anything. Challenge the rules... challenge everything I used to believe.

 

What I'm wondering is, if you're a decent noble man... why then do you think you need to fix yourself? Have you thought of that? Maybe it's society that needs fixing. Maybe you're too good for your own good. I always have been.

 

LOL. Not trying to lead you astray just setting forth questions you maybe haven't considered. The older I get the more I believe the phrase 'nice guys finish last' and it's starting to stick in my craw. There must be a balance between being a good person... but not too good... that will net you more than you've been getting out of life.

[RecentChange]

I'm a big believer that prevention is better than cure. By a long shot. I've seen people walk into the fire, knowing it would burn them. There's a reason I've gotten to this age without major debt, or kids, or an ex wife.

 

I'm careful.

 

Maybe too careful? But that's the cost of avoiding shooting myself in the foot.

 

But the greatest things in life - often include great risk.

 

Look around at people who have accomplished amazing things - and I think you will find people who were willing to take a risk.

 

I want this. I want this woman in my life. I can't imagine living without her. I can imagine growing old with her. Building a life with her. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I want to face it with her by my side"

 

I will say I am lucky - I found this, I have this....

 

With a man I met and fell wildly in love with. A man who was moving 500+ miles away 6 short weeks after I met him.

 

I decided I would follow as soon as I could (upon college graduation in 5 months).

 

He was young and broke, I was young and even more broke. No job, no concrete plans - all I knew is that we would be together and we would figure it out.

 

Moving in with a man I had known for 6 months was a big risk. Packing up and moving 6 hours away to a place I knew no one was a big risk. Having faith that we would make this work was crazy.

 

You could say I was walking into the fire - but I was willing to take that risk.

 

16 years later - we are married, we have weathered every storm that has faced us. And I am so glad I was willing to do the crazy, foolish thing and take a risk on "us".

 

Now that said - I don't have debt, no children by our choice, etc - I am not into being risky in everyway.

 

But I have been willing to follow my heart, even if it may not have seemed the most "careful" thing to do.

[RecentChange]

One more thing.

 

You mentioned that you just do not feel a deep love for any of these women you have dated - you also mentioned suffering from general depression.

 

Do think that these two things are possibly related? I know when I have talked to close Ioved ones suffering from depression - lack of complete feelings, not feeling "in love" with their spouses was a common theme.

 

But when the depression was managed, their full range of emotions, including feelings of deep love were restored.

[neowulf]

One more thing.

 

You mentioned that you just do not feel a deep love for any of these women you have dated - you also mentioned suffering from general depression.

 

Do think that these two things are possibly related? I know when I have talked to close Ioved ones suffering from depression - lack of complete feelings, not feeling "in love" with their spouses was a common theme.

 

But when the depression was managed, their full range of emotions, including feelings of deep love were restored.

 

I've been on every SSRI on the market at one point or another.

Each of them brought minimum relief along with absolutely pain in the arse side effects.

 

I finally settled on one that has very minimum side effects, but yes, it has occurred to me that between my meds and the depression it could all be related to the depression.

 

But that doesn't really help me. I've tried several times to go off the medication in the last couple of years. The results are always the same. I basically have a melt down, become emotionally unstable, snapping at people and generally over reacting to things. It gets so bad that eventually I just give up and go back on the meds so I can feel normal again.

 

Yet another reason I find myself asking "Does anyone really deserve to have to deal with this crap for the rest of their lives? Can they?"

 

There are times I'd love to walk away from me, but I'm kinda stuck here.

[Vivir]

Fair, you have written here what I feel...

 

I hate to say it, and I used to loathe people who did this, but I'm beginning to question all my beliefs now wondering if one should just roll the dice no matter what and take the chance... have the affair with the married man... run off to Jamaica with a stranger... throw caution to the wind... without putting yourself in complete danger, that is... do use some common sense. But LIVE. Before it's too late. If it's all going to end badly anyway, might as well just do it all and get something out of life otherwise, if you try constantly to be the good one, the noble one, you're not going to get anything out of life except a bunch of men who'll leave anyway because they think they're not worthy of you. And you sit alone with a scrapbook all alone in your room, crying over it.

 

There are no single men where I live, but there are married ones here who are attracted to me. I'm beginning to think if the opportunity comes close enough i'm going to bite. To hell with the rules and conventions of what everyone expects to be a one size fits all, effed up society. Where has it gotten me?

 

I am sure this line of thinking can be a serious cure for unburdening oneself from a life filled with mediocrity. I agree with you, to an extent, too. BUT ....I even tried to use this line of thinking to rationalize and then justify an affair with a married man. For me, it didn't work at all. It didn't feel right in the pit of my stomach and led to bouts of cognitive dissonance. I would strongly urge you to avoid affairs; there will be serious consequences. But... taking trips on the fly, striking up conversations with perfect strangers, flipping off society in other (appropriate?) ways, I say DO IT! I am doing it, sort of, in my own way.

 

In the end it's your life... our lives... and everyone else is dictating them for us. Go take leaps you never would before out of fear. Dare I say we might actually end up happy and fulfilled for a change. Things might work out for the best but even if they don't you know what they say.... if you haven't made mistakes you haven't lived. So go live and who cares what the hell anyone thinks? You may end up having a hell of a good time living life to fullest instead of letting society restrict what you do.

 

this may have veered a little off topic, but not really... actually. We get sad and depressed because other people pull the rug out from under us... start pulling it out from under them for a change and who cares what they think? Live for yourself. You only get one time around.

 

Gosh, this is totally inspiring to me

 

I also think it's amazing that neowulf's post immediately followed yours, Fair, because his sentiment is exactly how I feel when push comes to shove.

 

Completely agree with you Fair.

 

I've always said to people, you can live what ever like you like, treat people how ever you see fit. With one important caveat. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and live with your choices.

 

I try to be kind. I try to act with thought and consideration. I care for those around me. I seek to avoid causing pain, where ever possible. I feel regret and shame for the mistakes I've made, for the people I've hurt.

 

I am not living by others rules. I'm living by my code. The belief in who I am and what my principles are. I try hard to make good choices, even the hard ones. I try to be a good man. Not because the world expects it of me, but because I expect it of myself.

 

I just wish things would turn out differently. I wish I could get the life I imagined for myself to materialize. I wish I knew where I was going wrong and how to fix myself.

 

I definitely feel best when I live within my values. No way around that for me.

 

There are times I'd love to walk away from me, but I'm kinda stuck here.

 

Neowulf, you speak of SSRI's and the effects these medicines have on you. I don't know much about them, but heard they are bad news. I have been so afraid of even trying medicine to treat my depression, because I am afraid of making things worse. The best I can do is talk therapy...

 

This idea that you cannot walk away from yourself is one I have been dealing with for some time. I first noticed that I hated my own company more than ten years ago while grieving a death. When it occurred to me that I could not divorce myself, I started on a path to learn to be OK with me. It is not easy for me at all, and I am still working on it. I have come a long way.

 

The fact that you wrote "There are times..." means you don't always feel this urge to walk away from yourself. I think we all feel that way about ourselves at least sometimes, just like we feel that way about others in our lives sometimes. It is a perfectly normal way to feel. Right?

Edited November 23, 2017 by Vivir