Messed up situation

[Don'twanttodothis]

So I've been reading around this and I decided to join and share my story as far as it goes.

I was single for quite a long time, initially through choice and then it just never seemed to happen. I think to some degree I became limerent, wanting a relationship I couldn't achieve and so I developed crushes, which weren't reciprocated and just made me miserable. I then met someone and I wasn't really that interested to start with, but it developed into a relationship and we lived together for 2 years. It transpired 18 months in that he was a compulsive liar and had cheated on me numerous times during the relationship and unwittingly I'd been the OW at the start. Others say there was emotional abuse, there maybe was. Any suspicion from me was met with counter accusations, telling me I was crazy, flat out denial and anger, smashing things in the house and threatening to leave if I didn't stop asking questions. Eventually I left and it rumbled on for a few months with unkept promises, more cheating and lies and then I walked away. I was in no way perfect and I accept that I contributed towards the atmosphere of the relationship.

At the time it ended another guy showed interest. He is in a long distance relationship, and I know the gf. I was flattered but not interested. He persisted on and off for a year, still in the relationship and after a few drinks one night it happened. Cue daily messages and a further meet up. FTR I'm disgusted with myself, but tbh he's the only person who's showed any interest and I feel we were both in the same place, lonely and embroiled in wanting what you can't have. I found it exciting with all the first rush feelings at first, now I just feel rubbish and I'm not sure I even like him enough for a relationship, if he'd been single. But pathetically I am hooked on the attention he's paying me, and I don't know why.

I'm at a loss to explain what the hell I'm playing at, I don't want to be this person, I don't want this but I seem to have my finger on a self destruct button because I don't stop. I've told him I don't want to continue, but the messages come and it's like this attention is better than none. Which is sad really. From what he's said as well, and the past he's alluded to, I think he's wanting out of his relationship but doesn't want to end it because he's a coward, getting caught cheating would do that nicely.

I don't even know what I'm asking really, I know what I should do but accept I'm too pathetic to do it.

[sdraw108]

You have an advantage. You know that the situation isn't right, and you know what you should do. Many people in these situations don't!

 

Remember, the more time you waste on this one, the longer you have to wait to find someone good. If you want him to stop messaging you, then don't rely on him to enforce that. Block him, heal, and move on.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the first situation. It's horrible dating someone who cheats and lies. I've been going through that for the past few months. If there's one thing I've learned from it, it's that you should never, under any circumstances, date someone who has already proven themselves capable of cheating. This guy is in a LDR and is cheating on his partner with you. It's a recipe for disaster, and you know it. If he'll do it to that person, he'll do it to you too one day. It's madness to deliberately walk into a situation knowing that you're going to suffer at the end of it.

[Don'twanttodothis]

You have an advantage. You know that the situation isn't right, and you know what you should do. Many people in these situations don't!

 

Yes, I do know and I shouldn't have even let it start.

 

 

Remember, the more time you waste on this one, the longer you have to wait to find someone good. If you want him to stop messaging you, then don't rely on him to enforce that. Block him, heal, and move on.

 

I have gone NC, over messages etc, but I still have to see him 2/3 times a week because of work. It's not too bad because I can stay focused on work and I'm pretty good at blocking stuff out and being professional. But I'm not in a position to tell him straight whilst at work.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear about the first situation. It's horrible dating someone who cheats and lies. I've been going through that for the past few months. If there's one thing I've learned from it, it's that you should never, under any circumstances, date someone who has already proven themselves capable of cheating. This guy is in a LDR and is cheating on his partner with you. It's a recipe for disaster, and you know it. If he'll do it to that person, he'll do it to you too one day. It's madness to deliberately walk into a situation knowing that you're going to suffer at the end of it.

Recipe for disaster is spot on. I have told him that the fact he's cheated on his gf means I'd never trust him, and that he'd do that to me too. I don't buy all the 'I'd never cheat on you' protests - I'm not blinded or anything. It's literally after years of basically feeling unwanted, of guys wanting to be my friend and nothing more, the first relationship was littered with red flags that I ignored. This is also littered with them, and although I'm paiong heed this time and know there's no future in a relationship, the attention he's paying me is too hard to resist. I just can't seem to give up being wanted, even though it's false promises and I know it. I honestly feel like it's better than nothing, the nothing I lived with for years. I'm just bloody miserable whichever choice I make.

[jah526]

Your story has some similarities with mine. I was lonely, in a place with few friends and no family, having difficulties at work, my mom was very sick. Also, like you, no one had shown interest in a very long time, until this handsome, friendly, charismatic guy showed up. In retrospect, I could've been wearing a blinking neon sign saying "Vulnerable". And probably to him, I was.

 

So here's the thing. When we think of how others think, we tend to believe they think the same way we do. I believe most of us will look at, say, a homeless person, and not think to go over and kick them and take their money jar. BUT, there is a small percentage of people who will do exactly that.

 

I believe the MM could see my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, and he knew exactly how to exploit them to keep me hooked. I was in your situation, between a rock and hard place - either staying hooked to this guy, who was also treating me horribly, or going back to "nothing".

 

It took every ounce of my strength to choose "nothing". But of course, it's not really nothing. It was choosing me and my health. Someone on here said the way to build integrity and character is by choosing the difficult path. Not the easy road which will lead to impossibility in the end, but the difficult path of doing the right thing.

[Vivir]

I've told him I don't want to continue' date=' but the messages come and it's like this attention is better than none. Which is sad really. From what he's said as well, and the past he's alluded to, I think he's wanting out of his relationship but doesn't want to end it because he's a coward, getting caught cheating would do that nicely.[/quote']

 

I never understood the idea of wanting to get caught cheating in order to end a relationship due to cowardice... I suppose that is an "easy" way out for some people, but in my opinion, the "cheater" tag would be much more detrimental and never forgotten (and/or forgiven?) by a former partner.

 

I, too, remained in an affair because it was better than "nothing." I felt that I had gained something (a friend, a lover, etc.), but like jah526, I found as time went on I felt major rejection and a loss of self-worth, self-esteem, and sanity. Exiting the affair gave me back a sense of self-preservation and the understanding that I would fight to save myself if it was the last thing I did. In the very beginning of no contact, this is the only thing that gave me strength to keep moving forward. I felt absolutely terrible.

 

Sometimes, the person I was fighting against wasn't xMM, it was myself.

 

If you are leaning toward ending the affair, but are afraid for whatever reason, and thus are unlikely to end it cold turkey, you might want to consider doing so gradually. You might cut your outgoing calls or acceptance of incoming calls by half. Cut your conversations short. Find ways to be busy so that you cannot meet as much or talk as much. When speaking with him, try your best to cut out the fantasy of What If; try to plant yourself in reality and force him to do the same. Ask yourself, what are the facts...? Ask him about cold, hard facts. Maybe he will come to terms with reality also...

 

This is what I did, and it wasn't necessarily easier. As I withdrew, I found other ways to occupy my time, but still faced and had to go through a nasty withdrawal. None of us have been able to skip this process... I struggled with feeling as if I had hurt him with my behavior. Many of us on LS have struggled with a plethora of feelings related to ending an affair or struggling to end one. It is a bitter business.

 

Neither cold turkey nor gradual endings of an affair are easy, but if you want to end it - one or the other must be done. Also... as Natalie of BaggageReclaim states, "Ending is not a democracy." You do not need his permission or his blessing to end the affair.

 

Sometimes, we have to take baby steps to do major things. Be patient with yourself, but be firm. You have to take care of you and consider above all else what will be best for you.

Edited November 20, 2017 by Vivir

[WhatWait]

I related to this in that I used to have a lot of crushes and then when I finally gingerly stepped out into dating I found that I was attracted to some slick guys. People prone to exaggeration, lying, dissimulation. I thought I was doing so well to get out of my fantasy mind--I was kind of surprised that I just then chose people who seemed to be in their own fantasies.

 

I related a lot to the feeling that you are going to leave with nothing. But it's like oppositeville. You leave with yourself, which is the only thing you really have; when you stay you don't have that, so that's like having nothing.

 

Good luck!