Would you give [betrayed spouse] details of the affair if asked?

[Müun]

Hi, I come here asking for insights from OM/W into my personal situation as a Bs. My husband was unfaithful to me both physically and emotionally ( I don’t know if sexting is to be considered emotional affair when there’s no feelings involved at least on his part) and after a few months trying to understand if I can trust what he’s telling me I have decide to contact the other people involved to understand if he’s telling me the truth finally and we can start rebuilding our relationship and especially my trust in him.

 

I’ve asked both writing them and one of them who previously confirmed and apologized for getting involved with him because she didn’t know we were in a closed relationship and I was actually pregnant didn’t reply ( this one is an ex who still had feelings for him and it happened at the beginning of our relationship, she was also in a relationship at the time and lives in another country) while the othe other one which he says he never actually get physical with since we’re together ( an old friend with benefits) replied in an extremely bitter way that she doesn’t want to reply because she feel like her privacy it’s been violated by me finding out reading their texts and that what happens between her and another person is only her business.

 

She also added that whatever reply she’s going to give nothing will change for me and that I just have to trust him and love him if I chose to, knowing he is the way he is and will never change.

 

I am confused, we have common friends with this second person who are sure nothing happened and also told her she’s a bitch for not telling me the truth but I wonder what are the reasons behind something like this. She knew we were married and had a child. She actually met both me and the child once before this thing happened and instead of doing the right thing, knowing that nothing will ever happen again between her and my husband she decided to make me more confused and insecure about him.

 

I am astonished at how some people can’t just do the right thing even if they have nothing to lose and everything to gain, at least from a karma point of view. I would like to know your opinions about this. Thank you.

Edited November 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Infidelity

[Müun]

Giving me answers that are different from what he told me would possibly make me decide to leave my husband. If they want him back this should be the dream opportunity for them. I already know things happened so I don’t see how

This would make him decide to go forever NC to them or hate them for ever. He probably does already and if he doesn’t would just make him a free man again so if I was a woman fighting to get a man in a relationship I would definitely use this opportunity.

[Thingsfallapart]

Don’t put yourself in that position of weakness.

You probably won’t get replies and if you do they will probably won’t be truthful either way.

You’ll just make yourself worse in the long run.

Think about what you feel in your heart is the truth and accept that as your truth.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. Nothing they could possibly say would change the facts of the situation for me. I would not want to give these women any control over what happens in my marriage. They are clearly defensive and unwilling to talk. And if they were, I wouldn't trust a word that they say...

 

This is about your husband. What has he done to demonstrate to you that he regrets his behavior and that things will be different in the future? What has he done to regain your trust.

 

I'm sorry, the pain in your post is obvious. I hope you find what you are looking for... Best wishes to you.

Edited November 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[Ronnie33]

The first woman you said is now on another country and it was in the beginning of your relationship. You said their relationship was physical, she apologized, it was over. Now you want to go back and get answers. She probably isn't answering you because she has moved on from that chapter of her life and doesn't want to open it.

 

Chances are that the second woman either doesn't want the drama. She feels she owes you nothing, that you are choosing to stay with a man that cheated on you so deal with it. She doesn't sound like the remorseful and type.

 

At the end of the day your husband is the only one to blame. He cheated on you with two different women. He made vows to you, not them. They didn't owe you anything. He did.

[Müun]

I am not giving them power. This is not a war between me and her/then. It’s just a question of reality and truth and making informed choices.They Owed me nothing and i owe them nothing ( looking for privacy when sending masturbating pictures to a married man for months sounds hypocritical and naive to me) I haven’t even been harsh or insulting to them ever. The physical affair was at the beginning of our relationship but I found out only 3 months ago or so. She wasn’t so over it when she replied to me that he was a horrible person to her too Because they’ve been dating for months and never wanted to commit. She apologized but I suppose this attitude was just to justify herself for her behavior. It’s crazy how people are so concerned with themselves and their little issues when they were ok to be part of something that could have ( and still could) destroy a family.y husband stopped all contacts blocked their numbers and blocked them on social media, is going therapy and being generally nice to me but because he lied before I find it difficult to trust his word only,obviously so I wanted to double check. Blind trust comes for free at first but then it doesn’t or i’d Be stupid. I don’t want to have to spend months and years having to control his phone and social media to feel better. Even if I have all his passwords.

[elaine567]

Thing is you are assuming your husband is telling the truth.

 

YOU have no idea of what he is telling these women.

Some MM will tell their OW, that "If you speak to my wife it is all over" and some OWs on here have been at the sharp end of that, they did talk to the wife and the MM did cut them off dead often after years of saying ILY and future faking on his part...

 

The problem is that for a successful reconciliation there needs to be some rug sweeping on the part of the BS.

Some suspension of disbelief, some looking the other way, some acceptance of the cheating and very often a realisation that it could all happen again.

 

The truth is usually very elusive when you have people in pure self protection mode. Is it in any of these people's best interests to tell YOU the truth and by these people I include your husband?

Probably not.

[Müun]

I am not assuming he’s telling me the truth. Otherwise I wouldn’t ask these people. I am literally bias free when it comes to him and telling me the truth.

I want to reconcile but only if he’s now honest. I know it can happen again, actually if I can’t trust him 100% I reckon it could happen to me too, given the fact i’d be left in a fragile position where the wrong kind of attention could easily make me fall for someone. Which I wouldn’t want but ultimately that’s a possible risk. I get the self protection thing but am I the only one who can’t live a lie? Or that wants to feel good when looking at her own child in the eyes?

 

 

 

 

Thing is you are assuming your husband is telling the truth.

 

YOU have no idea of what he is telling these women.

Some MM will tell their OW, that "If you speak to my wife it is all over" and some OWs on here have been at the sharp end of that, they did talk to the wife and the MM did cut them off dead often after years of saying ILY and future faking on his part...

 

The problem is that for a successful reconciliation there needs to be some rug sweeping on the part of the BS.

Some suspension of disbelief, some looking the other way, some acceptance of the cheating and very often a realisation that it could all happen again.

 

The truth is usually very elusive when you have people in pure self protection mode. Is it in any of these people's best interests to tell YOU the truth and by these people I include your husband?

Probably not.

[somanymistakes]

Asking the OW for corroboration is very dicey business because how she reacts is going to depend entirely on her emotional state and how she feels about the relationship. Which you don't really know, and you probably don't WANT to know. Her feelings and her pain are not your issue, you have enough on your own plate to deal with. Why open yourself up to even more confusion?

[elaine567]

I get the self protection thing but am I the only one who can’t live a lie? Or that wants to feel good when looking at her own child in the eyes?

 

No, but when you have people who are willing to cheat or help someone cheat behind your back, then you are dealing with a special sub group.

[d0nnivain]

BS say they want the truth but the whole truth is probably more hurtful. There does have to be a lot of transparency in order to rebuild trust but knowing every detail is problematic. Do you really want to hear that the OW had a better body then you do or was better in bed? I think it's even worse for an OM; the BS/H's ego probably will never recover from those details.

 

 

I think you are unreasonable to expect these other women to give you any info or even speak to you. The one who didn't know you were married an apologized showed some class but you really don't know if she's telling the truth. The second woman who you actually know is ridiculous for saying that she feels violated because you read private conversations she had with your husband. I don't think you will ever get a straight answer out of her. I also think that as an EX who always carried a torch for your husband who is wiling to cheat with him, she presents an on-going threat to your marriage. Unless your husband is affirmatively wiling to kick her out of your lives & all the common friends need to know why they have to keep you all apart you can't go forward with your husband.

 

 

At present you don't trust him but I don't think getting info from these other women is going to solve your trust problem.

 

 

While I may have been willing to overlook one short term it-just-happened affair there is no way I would consider forgiving 2 affairs.

[Müun]

Of course I don’t want to know these kind I fb details, just a general timeline of the affair and things like if they met ( in the texting-sexting case- because he said they never met in person since we’re together) that is all i’ve Asked.

BS say they want the truth but the whole truth is probably more hurtful. There does have to be a lot of transparency in order to rebuild trust but knowing every detail is problematic. Do you really want to hear that the OW had a better body then you do or was better in bed? I think it's even worse for an OM; the BS/H's ego probably will never recover from those details.

 

 

I think you are unreasonable to expect these other women to give you any info or even speak to you. The one who didn't know you were married an apologized showed some class but you really don't know if she's telling the truth. The second woman who you actually know is ridiculous for saying that she feels violated because you read private conversations she had with your husband. I don't think you will ever get a straight answer out of her. I also think that as an EX who always carried a torch for your husband who is wiling to cheat with him, she presents an on-going threat to your marriage. Unless your husband is affirmatively wiling to kick her out of your lives & all the common friends need to know why they have to keep you all apart you can't go forward with your husband.

 

 

At present you don't trust him but I don't think getting info from these other women is going to solve your trust problem.

 

 

While I may have been willing to overlook one short term it-just-happened affair there is no way I would consider forgiving 2 affairs.

[carhill]

Wasn't asked but I provided details in verifiable form, actually the person's own handwriting. To me that's far more verifiable than opinion and perception.

 

Had I been asked, as long as it wasn't at the point of a gun, I'd have been happy to share and give points of verification.

 

That said, marriages are an interesting beast. That one, even with other OM's, lasted over 20 years and an exit affair with another married guy ended it. AFAIK, they're still together ten years later.

[BTDT2012]

To answer your original question, no, I would not give details.

 

Don't assume that you will get truth from an AP.

[Müun]

Thank you for this. You see, I think that falling in love with a married person shouldn’t happen but unfortunately it can happen.

And it will cause pain for everybody unfortunately but giving the chance to make an informed choice is not only fair, it’s mean not to in my opinion.

And this goes well beyond female solidarity, it’s simply about personal values.

You did well doing it, whoever does it even without being asked for honorable reasons or not, it’s doing a favour to the BS.

Wasn't asked but I provided details in verifiable form, actually the person's own handwriting. To me that's far more verifiable than opinion and perception.

 

Had I been asked, as long as it wasn't at the point of a gun, I'd have been happy to share and give points of verification.

 

That said, marriages are an interesting beast. That one, even with other OM's, lasted over 20 years and an exit affair with another married guy ended it. AFAIK, they're still together ten years later.

[carhill]

I did it because I'd had my fill with the MW lying to her H. She was playing the 'separated' game at the time. This was a long time ago, long before the internet and cell phones and all the sleuthing methods we use now. It underscores how historically pervasive such interactions have been and how equally distributed the actions were across gender lines, though men were far better known for affairs than women back then.

 

I actually side with another respondent in that a BS shouldn't expect to get the truth from an AP. However, they might get information that can assist them in getting to verifiable facts. Put names, dates, actions, content together to get a clear picture, presuming that's what they want. To some it doesn't matter. To others, the details matter a lot. Up to the BS.

[d0nnivain]

munn & carhill

 

 

You are both assuming the OW here has integrity. She dated munn's husband before munn & started up with him knowing he was married. She may not have had a full on PA with munn's husband at that point but because she clearly has always wanted the guy. This OW has some sense that if she leaves the OP wondering that she might divorce the guy, leaving her (the OW) a clear shot at him. Because she is not crowing in your face that your husband slept with her but is rather complaining about her violated privacy, that is some evidence that your H only had an EA with her.

 

 

While it would be nice of the AP gave the BS confirmation of the details & what the cheater said, it's unrealistic to expect that will happen. While some people may jump at that chance, I think most folks would wash their hands of the whole thing. This OW has other motives & wants to break you up. I really think that if they had sex, she'd be more than happy to tell you all about it.

[elaine567]

munn & carhill

 

 

You are both assuming the OW here has integrity. She dated munn's husband before munn & started up with him knowing he was married. She may not have had a full on PA with munn's husband at that point but because she clearly has always wanted the guy. This OW has some sense that if she leaves the OP wondering that she might divorce the guy, leaving her (the OW) a clear shot at him. Because she is not crowing in your face that your husband slept with her but is rather complaining about her violated privacy, that is some evidence that your H only had an EA with her.

 

 

While it would be nice of the AP gave the BS confirmation of the details & what the cheater said, it's unrealistic to expect that will happen. While some people may jump at that chance, I think most folks would wash their hands of the whole thing. This OW has other motives & wants to break you up. I really think that if they had sex, she'd be more than happy to tell you all about it.

 

There are 2 APs here.

One definitely had a PA with the OP's husband and she is his ex and she is keeping schtum and she has not talked to the OP.

The other is also an "ex-lover" and is basically doing the outraged "no comment" routine.

 

The fact the husband shut down all sex as soon as the OP got pregnant, then I guess he was getting it from somewhere...

[d0nnivain]

There are 2 APs here.

One definitely had a PA with the OP's husband and she is his ex and she is keeping schtum and she has not talked to the OP.

The other is also an "ex-lover" and is basically doing the outraged "no comment" routine.

 

The fact the husband shut down all sex as soon as the OP got pregnant, then I guess he was getting it from somewhere...

 

 

I understood about the 2 APs but one owned up to the PA & now lives out of the country. The issue is how the EX turned AP is behaving.

[somanymistakes]

She may not have had a full on PA with munn's husband at that point but because she clearly has always wanted the guy. This OW has some sense that if she leaves the OP wondering that she might divorce the guy, leaving her (the OW) a clear shot at him. Because she is not crowing in your face that your husband slept with her but is rather complaining about her violated privacy, that is some evidence that your H only had an EA with her.

 

While it would be nice of the AP gave the BS confirmation of the details & what the cheater said, it's unrealistic to expect that will happen. While some people may jump at that chance, I think most folks would wash their hands of the whole thing. This OW has other motives & wants to break you up. I really think that if they had sex, she'd be more than happy to tell you all about it.

 

But see this is what I'm saying, you can't evaluate anything she says unless you know her motives, her current emotional state, her personality, etc.

 

An OW who is hoping to get the MM for herself might rub in the details of any sex to try and drive the BS away, or she might feel like she has to keep quiet and protect the MM's secrets to show how much she loves him. An OW who is still hopelessly in love with the MM might take your question and immediately go ask the MM "What should I tell her?"

 

An OW who is angry with the MM is probably the most likely to tell you the truth, but if she's angry enough she might make things up to twist the knife a little deeper in order to get the MM into trouble.

[Steve51]

That would be a foolish thing to do, if you plan on telling the truth. How in heck would it help if you painted a picture that would burn in her/his head for the rest of his/her life? How do you think they would feel to know that they were not good enough for you in one or more areas of your life? If you must tell, make it all about your shortcomings and not about your spouse's.

[Müun]

I understood about the 2 APs but one owned up to the PA & now lives out of the country. The issue is how the EX turned AP is behaving.

 

Yes, that is also why I don’t believe what he says about stopping things with the ex after we moved in together ( we found out after a couple of weeks that I was pregnant) if what he says it’s true he didn’t even know I was when he was cheating on me. The girl had no idea we had a child together until after the baby was born and she didn’t we got married either until I told her. When I confronted her to let her know that I knew the first time she said she felt really used from him and was shocked when saw a picture of him with the child on social media. This is why I was expecting an answer, she’s pissed at him and has no reason to cover him. But she did not reply. She’s the one who lived in another country but that’s because we moved away, not her. Number two lives in this country instead but very far away. If I think of n.1 I see that I could have been easy for him to meet up with her because she was in the same city but then I think that while we were living together, whenever he wasn’t home he was always in contact with me. When he did cheat on me before he was actually disappearing till morning, no contact with me, saying that he was sleeping.that was when we were still living in separate houses. Hope this clarifies things a bit more.

Edited November 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Müun]

Sorry for the mispellings and errors, typing on a phone.

[BetrayedH]

Sometimes, but rarely, contacting the OW brings new info to light. This wasn’t really one of those times.

 

I think the only thing you garnered is that the one OW told you that he’ll never change. You already have evidence of that.

 

The ball is in your court. I think you’re stuck in analysis paralysis.

[lostgirl87]

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It is clear by your many posts that you’re yearning for answers and truth and you obviously don’t feel like you can get that from your husband. Shouldn’t that alone be reason enough to leave and move on with your life?

 

But to answer your question, when I confessed the affair to the BS, I answered all of her questions 100% honestly. I even continued to to answer all of her questions for another day after the original confession. I showed her texts, photos and videos. When I confessed, I thought I was done with him so maybe that’s why I was completely honest. I didn’t have an ulterior motive. I didn’t want him anymore after what he did so I didn’t hold back but I also didn’t embellish. I don’t think anything I said did anything other than hurt the BS bc she stayed with him thinking they could reconcile. The information was just something she continued to obsess over and drive herself crazy with until he finally left.

 

You need to decide if knowing more will help or only hurt you. If you’ve decided to stay with him then let it go. Only dig for more if you plan to actually do something if additional information/lies are discovered. Otherwise, you’re just adding pain and misery to yourself. Good luck to you.