My life now, and the divorce is not over

[mehrunes_dagon]

Two weekends ago we had my son's birthday party at a 'trampoline' theme park' for kids. Basically it was a warehouse filled with trampolines, huge foam balls, and basketballs where you could jump on a trampoline and dunk. It was pretty expensive for a 2 hour party fo 20 kids, but we had a great turnout. And most importantly, my son had a great time with his friends.

 

He's 7 now, btw. I also have a 9yo daughter. My family was also there at a party and my brother and his wife were complimenting me on how well I organized everything. Come to think of it, this was the first time I've ever organized something like this on my own for my kids, usually it was my wife handling things, or a team effort between the two of us.

 

The rest of the weekend, we sat around and played with all the toys he got for his birthday. I got him a Nintendo Switch, so we spent a lot of time playing the new Mario. My daughter wanted to watch Harry Potter Sunday night, so I baked them cookies and we munched while we watched the movie. I read with them a little bit, then we all fell asleep.

 

It was a great weekend. Once again, I feel alive when I'm around them, and when I drop them off at school, I feel an emptiness inside. It will be another 3 days until I see them again.

[mehrunes_dagon]

I want to write everything down, the stuff I'm going through right now. It's been very difficult. We separated in May 2016 - more than a year and a half ago. It's been the hardest time of my life.

 

I'm 47, my wife is 38, we will be married 10 years in February. 2 kids, 7yo boy and 9yo girl. My story is long, I guess I'm writing to get everything down, to try to make sense of it all. And to maybe connect with other people - although at this point I've almost given up trying to find a support group. I've been to every other online forum, I was in a couple of in person support groups too. I've made a few 'divorce support' friends - but to be honest, they are not much help because they are going through their own thing right now and we all tend to wind each other up.

 

I see my kids 5 nights out of every 14 nights - so about 34% of the time. They are the best thing in my life, and I really struggle on nights when they're not with me. I'm basically massively depressed and have massive anxiety at this point. I think I have PTSD. When my kids aren't with me, it's hard for me to function, and I'm frequently overwhelmed. Yes, I'm on meds, and I see a therapist weekly. Yes I try to exercise, but to be honest I've blown off going to the gym for the past month.

 

My situation is so bad right now, honestly I don't know what to do. And sometimes I feel like life will never get better.

 

I'll write again later.

[dateme]

I want to write everything down, the stuff I'm going through right now. It's been very difficult. We separated in May 2016 - more than a year and a half ago. It's been the hardest time of my life.

 

I'm 47, my wife is 38, we will be married 10 years in February. 2 kids, 7yo boy and 9yo girl. My story is long, I guess I'm writing to get everything down, to try to make sense of it all. And to maybe connect with other people - although at this point I've almost given up trying to find a support group. I've been to every other online forum, I was in a couple of in person support groups too. I've made a few 'divorce support' friends - but to be honest, they are not much help because they are going through their own thing right now and we all tend to wind each other up.

 

I see my kids 5 nights out of every 14 nights - so about 34% of the time. They are the best thing in my life, and I really struggle on nights when they're not with me. I'm basically massively depressed and have massive anxiety at this point. I think I have PTSD. When my kids aren't with me, it's hard for me to function, and I'm frequently overwhelmed. Yes, I'm on meds, and I see a therapist weekly. Yes I try to exercise, but to be honest I've blown off going to the gym for the past month.

 

My situation is so bad right now, honestly I don't know what to do. And sometimes I feel like life will never get better.

 

I'll write again later.

 

That's normal after a divorce. You'll bounce back!

[Frostedflake]

Sounds like you're making the best of it. Your kids are very lucky to have someone trying so hard for them.

 

As for the PTSD, I'd warn to stay away from self-diagnosis.

It tends to be that when we start labeling ourselves negatively like that- we also start acting it. We start making excuses and calling everything inevitable. It's not. You have a lot more control in this life and situation than you have yet to admit.

You're doing well. You know where you're falling short with the gym and selfcare. You can get back on track.

[mehrunes_dagon]

The lowest point for me - and I've been pretty low at different times in my life, but not like this. The lowest point was when I sat down one night and talked to my then 8yo daughter about me and her mom splitting up. Seeing her eyes fill up with tears, literally watching her world shattering. Her sense of safety, who knows what ideals of relationships were shattered and will probably never return. That broke my heart, I don't think I'll ever get over it.

 

Because I blame myself for the divorce, even now. My wife may have chosen to ignore the vows she took, or end the marriage for frivolous reasons. She gave up on us, to go chase her 'happiness' or whatever it is she tells herself. But - if I were a better husband - a better person - none of this would have happened.

 

At this point I don't care about my wife anymore, but my daughter - I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it better, but there's no way I can fix it.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Basically, I'm wracked with guilt, I'm living in regret. I am afraid of the future, and I'm too overwhelmed by all my problems to be effective in the present. A year and a half has gone by since we separated, and I've just been in a holding pattern. I tell myself, maybe when the case is over, after the trial - maybe then my mind will change and I can put this behind me.

 

Needless to say, my self esteem is lower than dirt right now, I basically blame myself for the divorce. I hate myself, or at least I'm very hard on myself. I can't get away from thinking about everything over and over, the 'if only I did this or that' kind of thinking. Or, thinking about when we went on vacations together, happy times that now seem ruined.

[Purepony]

I don’t have kids and I have a been through a divorce with any kids in the middle but I will tell you that you can’t blame yourself 100% for this, it takes two people to make a marriage work

[mehrunes_dagon]

Thanks for responding everyone who has. I'm in a pretty bad place, I'm just trying to sort this out for myself.

Edited November 21, 2017 by mehrunes_dagon

[notbroken]

What you are describing is very normal in a divorce. The silence can be deafening after the kids leave and you are left to contemplate your life. Don't dwell on your mistakes. You are human. Forgive yourself - seriously and quickly. Yes, that is not always easy - but DO IT. Your wife was at least 50% culpable. Truth is it doesn't matter about 'fault'. The situation is what matters. That can be very depressing. So change it. Turn music on. Leave the tv on. Sound is good for you right now. Do things for you. Be good to yourself. The world is hard enough without you also being hard on yourself. Get a good hobby. Go to the gym regularly. Bicycle, raquetball, walk, run - anything to get your heart going and exercise. Doesn't matter what it is - pick something and do it. Get in the best shape of your life. That by itself will seriously help you and your attitude.

 

Don't dwell on your depression or label it PTSD. Yes, getting divorced is depressing. Recovering from one is exciting. Create an environment you like to live in. Get a new TV, furniture, motorcycle, bicycle - something you like if you can. A motorcycle was the cheapest psychiatrist I could find. I put almost 20K miles on one the year after I got divorced and had a blast.

 

One day you will wake up and realize something is different. You may not even know what it is. You will realize you are happy for the first time in a long time. This WILL happen - but you have to make it happen. Starting with stopping the blame game, being good to yourself, and doing things you enjoy again. Rediscover yourself. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

[MJJean]

Other than what NotBroken said, do you have any pets? Have you thought of getting a companion animal so that you have someone to come home to when the kids are with your ex?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mehrunes, would it be possible for you to give us your complete back story? It may help folks on here to relate better and give you more complete advice. Warm wishes.

[sandylee1]

Divorce is tough and takes a while to come to terms with ... but in time you'll be okay.

 

Is there any way you could go for joint custody 50/50.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I have 2 kids myself. And if you told them about you and your ex honestly without creating a blaming scenario, you did alright. Yes, little hearts do get broken. But they do bounce back when they are surrounded by love and good parenting. I would venture they can do better in the bounce back area than we adults do..But I'm just speculating...

 

One author relates divorce as the same or nearly as a death of someone close to us. It literally tears a large chunk out of our soul and wounds us deeply. I am supposing that maybe we should look to healing that wound as we would in dealing with a death of a loved one. Maybe that's why people fight so hard to avoid the big "D". Why we try everything and make excuses for everyone when this happens. We are delaying a death in our lives. A deeply close and painful death. My heart goes out to you. God bless you and your children.

[Phoenician]

OP , everytime you see other ppl problems , admire what you have .

 

I am going through a very harsh divorce , with legal cases and a wife who wants to get everything and rip me down .

 

the worst is that she is now using my girls to put pressure on me to end all legal issues the way she wants ...

 

with all this mess around and a selfish woman who even deprived kids from school to put pressure on me ( nonsense );I still tell my kids to love their mom ; they decided to live with her with me seeing them only in weekends.

 

I cried missing them after being deprived for weeks from seeing them , yet i am out now of the negative circle , and enjoy my limited time with my kids 2 girls 16+18 and a boy of 9 yrs .

 

amazingly , in contrary to what I expected the boy is doing very well , the girls are more hurt and lost in between emotionally .

 

what i want to tell you is that keep up enjoying with your kids every moment ; and never let them be part of the struggle between you and your ex ; even if she tells them lies , just defend your situation with actions , loving the kids ...

 

many ladies are more harsh on kids when they are selfish more than man ,

especially when they are hurt.

 

again and again , let the kids be happy , and do like me , I tell them to love their mom , not for her sake , for their sake ;the image of a good mom is required for them , even if she is not .

good luck

[LivingWaterPlease]

mehrunes, your story is very similar to the story of someone I know very well, I'll call him Josh, who is going through the same thing you are which also began around the same time yours did.

 

I have been through this same thing years ago only we had 50/50 custody as does Josh and his soon to be ex now. Is there any way you can get 50/50?

 

With your girls being as old as they are it seems they may have more of a choice as to when they want to spend time with you. However, girls that age pretty much have their own busy lives so they may not have a lot of time for either you or your ex. You must be thankful you were able to be in the home with them for as long as you were.

 

What helped me and what has been helping Josh is depending on God through reading scriptures and praying. I believe Josh journals his prayers whereas I don't, I just pray. The scriptures are powerful. Go to the Psalms, Isaiah chapters 40-50 approximately. Also, the gospels in the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

 

So many of the Psalms are wonderful to read because they offer so much hope though it is obvious from his writings the Psalmist is often suffering emotionally.

 

At one point David, the Psalmist, was separated from his wife, Michal, (sp?) and she was given to another man. David really suffered. But God got him through. God got me through, He's getting Josh through and He can get you through, too.

 

There is one particular Psalm I wish you would read in the New International Version of the Bible, NIV. It's Psalm 107. I believe it will lift your spirits tremendously! It really resonated with me when I was going through my toughest times and there is so much hope there.

 

I could not have gotten through my separation and divorce without a close relationship with Jesus Christ and faith to believe He would heal my broken heart, which He has done.

 

Since leaving me, my ex has been through multiple marriages and has gone downhill. His children and some others have lost respect for him though at one time we all thought he was just the greatest. I can now see where it was best for us to be divorced, though. It has been a blessing to me but it took me quite awhile to realize that.

 

Each day I spend quite a bit of time praying for Josh to be strengthened and to feel God's love around him. I will include you in those prayers, now, Mehrune. Don't be so hard on yourself about how you are coping. What you describe is more common than you realize. I never thought I'd survive I was in such pain. It was moment to moment for quite awhile for me. But it has made me a much stronger and happier person because I chose not to walk through it on my own, but with God to support me. Btw, if you haven't ever read the Bible, or aren't a believe just know that when you begin reading you may think there is no help there. But, keep it up and if you read everyday you will begin to be strengthened by it!

 

I know this is long, but I do want to add one more thing and that is to be around people as much as possible. If you don't attend a church, it might be a good time to take it up now. Find a warm friendly church where people really care about each other if you decide to go.

 

God bless you, friend!

Edited November 23, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[mehrunes_dagon]

OP , everytime you see other ppl problems , admire what you have .

 

I am going through a very harsh divorce , with legal cases and a wife who wants to get everything and rip me down .

 

the worst is that she is now using my girls to put pressure on me to end all legal issues the way she wants ...

 

 

Oh I am too. The legal case is horrible and is dragging on for years. Almos same exact situation - my ex for some reason thinks its ok that the kids only see their dad 4 nights a *month*. I haven't gotten to talking about the legal BS yet, is all.

[mehrunes_dagon]

So, the kids have been w me since Tuesday, I've been hanging out w them at home mostly. We made cookies yesterday to bring to Thanksgiving dinner w the family. We went to my uncles for Thanksgiving, my cousins and their families were there. Pretty good food, btw. My kids were happy to play w their cousins.

 

I feel like a freak among my cousins and brother, who all have young kids and mostly have been married only for a few years. Not that I'm jealous, but I hate the feeling that they are 'taking pity' on me. That's another reason why I've become a recluse over the past year - I hate thinking people are taking pity on me, or condescending towards me, or judging me. And some people don't care. There are some people - like the good people on this board - who try to support me and tell me 'it will get better'. I appreciate it, I really do. And I know you're right. I think I'm still processing it, and I still haven't let myself off the hook yet, I still feel guilty for everything, even though at this point I don't believe that's objectively true.

 

My plans for the weekend - spend time w kids. Do laundry. Take them to see Justice League. Go out for brunch with my mom and brothers on Sunday.

[mehrunes_dagon]

I'm 47, my wife's 38. We will be married for 10 years in Feb. We probably will not be divorced by then. We have two kids - a 7yo boy and a 9yo girl. We've been separated since May 2016.

 

We live in major American city, we used to live in a very well to do part of the city. A few years before we split up we bought our 'dream home' - a new construction condo right on the lake. Our kids went to private schools and I drove around in a fancy car. I thought we were doing very well and thought we were happy.

 

I work as a software architect. It's a pretty demanding job and I work long hours. My wife was a public school teacher. She quit her job 5 years ago and was a stay at home mom. During those 5 years, she went back to school and got another Masters degree and started working a part time job as an adjunct professor at a University. Her new job pays like 30,000. She basically works part time and has 4 months off a year. I make about 6 times that amount of money, and work all of the time. You can guess what's going on in the divorce in terms of financial orders and parenting time.

 

Anyways, our lives are very different now. We had to sell our home, and sell our cars. My wife moved to the suburbs about 30 min away. I never wanted to move to the suburbs but I had to move to be closer to my kids - right now I live about a block away from them. We went from owning our own luxury home to where we're at now. We're both renting sort of crappy places. I'm living in a 1 bedroom currently because it was the only place I could find on such short notice.

 

This month I finally get out of my lease and I'm moving to a larger apartment where the kids both get their own rooms. Which will eliminate one of her lawyer's arguments - that the kids need their own rooms at my place.

 

Honestly I feel like I'm being villainized by her lawyers no matter how hard I try. My wife moves them all of a sudden far away to the suburbs. I have to drop everything and relocate to be close to them - this place was the best I could do at the time. I'm a bad guy.

 

I work my a** off to provide for my family, while she basically has all the time in the world to take them to activities and school. I'm 'not involved'. Oh and what am I doing when I'm not there? Am I just going out bowling with the boys? No, I am working a very stressful job that is paying for everything - even now that we're split up. And I'm a bad guy.

 

What about - she has two masters degrees but is too lazy to look for better paying work? Oh no, she's a saint, she wouldn't do that.

 

Sorry, I get so angry thinking about the legal BS.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Sometimes I think about when we first met. I remember that first kiss, I'd never experienced anything like that before. Now I know why people talk about things like 'we have chemistry' or 'we have electricity'. That stuff is absolutely real when you meet the right person.

 

Unfortunately for me, I thought that was enough to base a marriage on. We both did. I was mid 30s at the time, I had bought my first home about 5 years before. My wife immediately moved in with me, within 6 months we were pregnant and engaged to be married.

 

Within a year we had our first child. The second came a couple years later. I actually look at the first maybe 5 or so years of my marriage as the happiest times in my life. Things changed though. I'll probably write about all of that later. But nowadays when I talk to friends or relatives who are in the first few years of marriage - I don't say anything, but I think about how more than 50% of marriage end in divorce. So the odds are more than likely these 'happy couples' are going to be divorced sooner or later. Through no fault of their own.

 

People just lose interest and respect in each other when we are married through familiarity. You could be the greatest husband or wife in the world, they will eventually get tired of you and think maybe there's something better out there. Even people that stay together - I wonder are they really happy? Especially these really long marriages. When you think about it - more than 50% end in divorce. The other 25-45 % or so - how many are happy? less than half that? So maybe 25% more or less of marriages are happy and stay together?

 

That's not exactly a ringing endorsement or great odds. No Vegas gambler would take those odds. But we did, I did, others do. Because it's the 'script' that society has been selling us since day one when we heard our first fairy tales. Marriage is the goal, and it's the thing that will fulfill you and make everything happy. Everyone is entitled to that 'one special relationship', 'there's someone out there for everyone'. I kind of feel this thinking is outdated in modern society, and we need to do more to question these old fashioned ideas which were probably propaganda to begin with.

 

I think I'm still a little in love with my wife, and I idealize the time I was married. I know we can never get back together, too many things have happened since then.

[mehrunes_dagon]

It's been a crazy week. I had the kids for about 6 days, since last Tuesday. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas now, so my wife gets them the week of Christmas. The holidays are going to be tough for me, I've been sort of mentally preparing myself. I had wanted to do so many fun things with the kids over Thanksgiving break - take them to the zoo, or to the childrens museum. But the day after Thanksgiving, one of our relatives died, my uncle. I love him, but I didn't know him very well, I was more concerned about my mom since that was her brother. Anyways, the rest of Thanksgiving break with the kids was spent on family get together, a wake, a funeral. It was pretty sudden.

 

It also totally threw off my plans for early this week. I am supposed to move to a new apartment, and I had scheduled movers for Tuesday. I was planning to pack all day Monday, but I didn't have a lot of time with the funeral stuff going on. I actually stayed up pretty late on Monday and packed, we moved all day Tuesday, and here I am today unpacking my stuff at my new apartment. I think being here will help me. This is my second divorced guy apartment since we separated, at least it's bigger and the kids get their own rooms. It's also nicer and closer to my kids moms house.

 

Physically exhausted from lifting heavy boxes all day. Mentally I'm still not in a very good place. This move is costing a lot of money, although it's worth it and I have to do it for the case. I also have to take a lot of time off work for the funeral and moving. Just really depressed, anxious and nervous about everything - money, jobs, the divorce case. Missing my kids, as usual. I have a lot of self hatred and guilt. I feel really alone, there's noone I can talk to about it except my therapist. I only talk to him once a week.

 

I lost quite a few friends and family members with the divorce. I only have a few close friends left, and I know they care about me - but feel like I don't want to burden them anymore. I'm probably depressing to be around. The rest of the family and friends in my life - I feel like they either don't care, or just wish I would get 'over it', or are too wrapped up in their own lives. I don't blame them, I'd probably be the same way. You can't know what it's like for me unless you've been through the same situation.

 

Here's how I feel about my ex wife. When we first split up I blamed myself for being a terrible person and a bad husband. Now that time has gone by and things have happened I feel like - I may have taken my wife for granted, but I always loved her, and I never would have divorced her despite how unhappy I was at times. I still loved her and worked myself to death to provide a great life for everyone, where she could be a stay at home mom. I think I didn't manage the stress of my job very well, and it affected my marriage.

 

But, the way my wife has treated me the past year and a half. It's like she's treating me like I'm a piece of garbage, and I'm not even fit to spend time with my own children. She has treated me in such a cruel and vindictive way, I don't deserve it. So the way I feel about my ex wife is - she has shown a mean and vindictive side of herself that I've never known, and she has shown and greedy and callous side of herself, and a willingness to use her kids for financial gain. When we were married, I thought my wife was a decent and moral person. I don't think my ex wife is a good person anymore.

 

And my kids. At this point they are the only joy in my life, and they're all that I have left. I feel so guilty that they have to go through this, and I feel guilty that I can't snap out of this tailspin that I'm on since the separation. I feel like I have to be a stronger, more solid person. Someone who is able to face this adversity. I feel like I haven't been doing a good job in this regard. I feel like I have the loving, attentive part of being a father down. But I don't have the strong leader and example part of being a father down. I get so down on myself, because I'm not strong enough to deal with this. It's been a year and a half, and I haven't really grown in any way from this. I'm just surviving, that's all.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Other than what NotBroken said, do you have any pets? Have you thought of getting a companion animal so that you have someone to come home to when the kids are with your ex?

 

Oh yeah MJJean - I do have a pet. I actually love animals.

 

When we were married I had a dog, but when we separated my wife gave my dog away. Yes, that's right. While I was in the hospital having surgery. It's a long story, I'll write about it another time. So I never had a chance to say goodbye to my dog.

 

After I moved to my own apartment, the kids were asking if we could get another dog - but I told them I can't since I work 10-12 hour days now. So we compromised and I got a cat. She's a rescue - a cute orange tabby type cat. She's got a weird personality, most of the times she's pretty aloof, but a few times a day she becomes really clingy and affectionate. Anyways, she's my family now, the kids love her and she keeps me company when the kids are not around.

[mehrunes_dagon]

This site was down for a few days - so here's just a basic rundown of what I've been up to.

 

Thanksgiving was pretty crazy. I had the kids for the full week, I had all kinds of fun stuff I was planning to do with them, but things happened. First, Thanksgiving at my cousins house. Pretty normal affair. However - one of our relatives died over Thanksgiving, so we had all kinds of family get togethers, funeral and wake related activities etc. to attend over Thanksgiving break. I wasn't close to my uncle that died, but he was a close relative, and he was my mom's brother, so I was also worried about her.

 

I was also scheduled to move out of my apartment at this time. I didn't mention this, but I got a new, larger, apartment, where the kids would each have their own rooms. The Child Rep in our case was asking for it, and my old place was pretty small. Anyways, the movers were scheduled the day of the funeral, and they told me I couldn't change my moving date unless I wanted to wait another month. Couldn't get another mover on short notice - so I wound up staying up all night and doing all my packing, then leaving the funeral early, and I spent 3 days that week totally clearing out of my old apartment.

 

We're now living at the new apartment. It's much bigger and nicer. I ordered all kinds of furniture for it, most it has been assembled. Kids stayed with me last couple of weeks at the new place. Everyone's happy. It was just a very hectic week and we didn't really get to enjoy Thanksgiving break together. Went back to work last week, spent most of the week feeling very out of it and disconnected due to almost two weeks off.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Honestly I haven't been handling things very well. The hecticness over Thanksgiving only made me feel more out of control in my life. I'm still pretty miserable and depressed. My self esteem is at a historic low, and that's saying something. When I start feeling down about my life, I think things like

 

-I have no friends, people generally don't like me and most of the close friends I had fell away over the years

-When I was married I didn't really care about not having friends or having a social life because I was supposed to spend all my time with my wife and kids. Now half the time I don't know what to do with myself. There's a big gaping void where my family used to be.

-I spend a lot of time missing my kids, and cursing my wife for making it so difficult for me to get equal time with them

-When I'm around other people at work, I feel inferior to them, everyone seems so happy, and they have their lives together.

-Of course, I don't. I'm just a lost soul.

-I feel sorry for myself and how alone I feel, I feel bad because I should be stronger than that emotionally

-I feel old, like it's too late to change my life. I'm 47.

-I don't feel suicidal, at the same time, I don't want to be here. But I have to think of my kids.

-When I think of my kids I feel guilty because I feel like I should be stronger. I'm basically falling apart inside.

 

 

And there's this voice in my head - 'of course you are alone and friendless. Of course noone cares about you. Why should they. You are a ****ty dad and a ****ty human being. You're basically a piece of garbage. You deserve all the misery that's being heaped upon you.'

 

It's frankly pretty scary, this extreme negative self talk never used to exist until just recently.

Edited December 11, 2017 by mehrunes_dagon

[MJJean]

You need to stroke your kitty while thinking up a plan to get a life.

 

If you miss your family, spend more time with them. Think outside the box, if necessary, to make for something to do with them.

 

It's usual that friends go their own ways and lose touch once everyone starts getting married, having kids, and relocating for education or career opportunities. Make new friends. MeetUp groups, volunteer work, and attending whatever spiritual worship you wish are good places to start.

 

Trust me, some of those people at work have shyte homelives and are as genuine in terms of what they project as what you read on FakeBook. Others are actually happy. Which id probably because they make choices that make them happy rather than wallow in a funk.

 

I'm 42. Do you have any idea how many people in our age range have to start over and successfully do so? So many have been divorced or widowed, some with little ones and some with grown kids who are off living their own lives. You aren't alone, not by a long shot.

 

I don't remember, but have you thought about dating? Some people are ok with dating during divorce provided some paperwork has been filed with the courts and the marriage is truly over but for the legal technicality. If you're ok dating while awaiting the court stamp, I'm sure you'll find you have value on the social scene. Long as you aren't a jerk or creeper, can hold a conversation, clean up good, have a job, aren't an addict, and can maybe crack a joke now and again, women will definitely be interested.

[mrs rubble]

Honestly I haven't been handling things very well. The hecticness over Thanksgiving only made me feel more out of control in my life. I'm still pretty miserable and depressed. My self esteem is at a historic low, and that's saying something. When I start feeling down about my life, I think things like

 

-I have no friends, people generally don't like me and most of the close friends I had fell away over the years

-When I was married I didn't really care about not having friends or having a social life because I was supposed to spend all my time with my wife and kids. Now half the time I don't know what to do with myself. There's a big gaping void where my family used to be.

-I spend a lot of time missing my kids, and cursing my wife for making it so difficult for me to get equal time with them

-When I'm around other people at work, I feel inferior to them, everyone seems so happy, and they have their lives together.

-Of course, I don't. I'm just a lost soul.

-I feel sorry for myself and how alone I feel, I feel bad because I should be stronger than that emotionally

-I feel old, like it's too late to change my life. I'm 47.

-I don't feel suicidal, at the same time, I don't want to be here. But I have to think of my kids.

-When I think of my kids I feel guilty because I feel like I should be stronger. I'm basically falling apart inside.

 

 

And there's this voice in my head - 'of course you are alone and friendless. Of course noone cares about you. Why should they. You are a ****ty dad and a ****ty human being. You're basically a piece of garbage. You deserve all the misery that's being heaped upon you.'

 

It's frankly pretty scary, this extreme negative self talk never used to exist until just recently.

 

In response to the bolded above, I was like this too after my divorce. I think that it was because there had been so many times that my ex had told me I was worthless, that I really started to believe it.

 

 

I also had a really awful prolonged custody fight, I had full custody of our son initially, but his father manipulated him, telling him all sorts of really malicious lies that our son believed and took out on me and his brother, so eventually I relented and let our son stay with him. It broke my heart.

 

 

Our son stayed with him for about 18months, and I saw him every second weekend, until one day our son walked all the way from his place to mine aged 11yo. (15 km!) with tears streaming down his face as his dad had treated him badly and he'd had enough. He's had very little to do with him since, he's 19 now.

 

 

I really struggle in those years with the fall out, I went to counselling and I took my boys to counselling making very little progress, until one day I was at an all time low and sort of broke down at work. I asked to leave and went straight to my doctor who sent me to a CBT, who really changed my life, she was able to break down each individual problem I was having and helped me to find a way to deal with each one.

 

 

I would suggest looking for another therapist, as it seems you're not getting what you should out of the one you're seeing. I also recommend meeting new people, this helped me more than I would have ever imagined and now I have some wonderful new friends.

 

 

Hang in there things will get better.