My life now, and the divorce is not over

[norudder]

I think LS can be a helpful place when you need validation that you arent alone in what you're going through. (Just dont spend too much time on here to escape and neglect living IRL). I think most go through those feelings of desolation and isolation for a while. There is an Ayn Rand quote that resonated when I read your post: "He wanted to put his head down on the desk, lie still and rest, only the form of rest he needed did not exist, greater than sleep, greater than death, the rest of having never lived."

Divorce is exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically (setting up a new home as well as the toll of stress on your body). There are voids left and right. One foot in front of the other at your own pace is all I can say. Do your part making the steps and in time this chapter will be behind you. Dont hole away and wallow too much.

 

You have family nearby which is great. Meetup is good for meeting new people or just getting out of the house in a social setting. Explore new hobbies or find support with divorced/single parent groups. Volunteering gives perspective and gives back. I attended a DivorceCare group. They are heavily Christian in the videos but as long as that doesnt turn you off, it's nice having others who are "in it" with you and it doesnt feel so burdensome talking it over with them like it does with friends. Church or church substitute (walk in the woods, yoga class, meditation group). Comedy channel on Pandora. Time in the gym is a must. Continued therapy of course. When you're ready, a few dates for the experience of it with no expectations (just be honest about where you're at). Things will fall into place.

 

I met a coworker going through a divorce who shared that when he came home he would still talk out loud to his kids as though they were there when he couldnt call them. I cried everytime I did dishes after my kids went to their dad's, partly I was so happy to have more than my single plate in the sink, it was a sign of happy messy times, and partly the reminder of the renewed absence...again...and again.

 

Views will shift. Hearing how some of my "happily married coworkers" actually spoke about their spouses or lives made me grateful to not be in an unhealthy relationship, happy to be "different". Try to differentiate between societal pressure and your own values.

 

I shared something my therapist said and some posters took it out of context but strictly applied to a marriage ending, whoever ended it, consider that "you may forget the reasons it ended, but you'll remember the reasons you wont go back". Because there are moments of looking back. If only trying to find a way to stop the hurt. The answer is rarely there.

 

Be forward focused. It wont suck forever.

[BrokeInside]

Hey merhunes,

 

First your not alone, many dad and husband find themselves in the same situation and even if we don't know each other, we share the same pain.

 

I'm in the some of the same situation like you, almost no friend, just works, my kids and i'm even scared about the money part.

 

I can't tell you everything will be allright because i will be lying, but the suicidal stuff, the bad voice in your head can and will go but you had to help yourself.

 

Even if my wife left , i feel so guilty towards my kids, my 4 years boy talk to me everynight and it brokes my hearts, he just can't understand why "mum don't love dad anymore" and he tells me he want to be with the full family. He looks sad and my tiny baby girl cry sometimes during the night and call mum.

 

I was a ****ing mess but what is left ? You have your kids, it's a great thing ! This is truely a blessing and i know it's ****ing hard but it's time to man up.

 

What kind of dad do you want them to remember ? The one who was crushed by the divorce or the one who was tough as **** and took all his reponsability.

 

You will be their source of inspiration, when they will be in some tough spot in their life, they will remember that dad made it and was a better person, father and try his best to keep everyone happy.

 

Two month ago, i was feeling like a very big pile of ****, very dark idea when i was alone, cry like a baby everyday, the full stuff of the miserable man... Today, i feel so full of energy, i want to live, i want to make some stuff i never did, so don't lose hope.

 

This forum, full of crazy history did really help me.

Reading help me too, theres a tons of very good book out there, i'm reading the tony robbins one at the moment "unleash the power within" and even if i'm not a great fan of self devellopment guru, this is kinda inspiring.

 

Many people did their best when they hit the bottom so we have to believe this is our path.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Goddamnit Im sorry, I know you mean well and only trying to help me. But I have a list of platitudes that i automatically recoil from like

 

Man up

Or

Kids are resilient

 

 

I hate being told to man up, sorry. I was already manning up by doing my part to raise kids as part of a commited marriage. Thats what society considers a man right? Look where it got me.

 

Also kids are not resilient. Look qt all the ‘child of divorce’ threads on here and reddit. These people are adults and they havent gotten over it.

[BrokeInside]

Sorry, that was not an offense.

 

I know this is hard, i don't know what to tell you, you seems angry and you have the right to be. I understand because i was feeling , and i still feel the same way : injustice to me and for the kids.

 

And for the kids, i'm a divorcee kids, i'm almost 30 and i think it totally ****ed me up so i can assure you : i don't talk lightly about things like this.

 

My childhood was a total pain and now, my kids will have to deal with the same things at 1 and 3 years so ...

 

To avoid that, i was ready to forgive my wife, being with another man during 8 month so trust me ... i don't think divorce is an answer but you can't save your marriage alone.

 

We got only one thing to do, adapt and try our best.

 

I'm sincere, i wish you all the best and hope everything will be alright for you and your kids.

[mehrunes_dagon]

Sorry, that was not an offense.

 

I know this is hard, i don't know what to tell you, you seems angry and you have the right to be. I understand because i was feeling , and i still feel the same way : injustice to me and for the kids.

 

And for the kids, i'm a divorcee kids, i'm almost 30 and i think it totally ****ed me up so i can assure you : i don't talk lightly about things like this.

 

My childhood was a total pain and now, my kids will have to deal with the same things at 1 and 3 years so ...

 

To avoid that, i was ready to forgive my wife, being with another man during 8 month so trust me ... i don't think divorce is an answer but you can't save your marriage alone.

 

We got only one thing to do, adapt and try our best.

 

I'm sincere, i wish you all the best and hope everything will be alright for you and your kids.

 

 

Thanks, I know you mean well, hope you are getting through this too. Yeah I think one of the reasons I'm struggling so hard is - for the longest time, I'm talking almost a year after the separation - I was still trying to 'reconcile' with my ex wife. All the while she is slandering me and lying in court, trying to take my time with the kids away. Basically treating me like garbage, and here I am trying to reconcile w her. Mainly so the kids wouldn't have to go through this.

 

Now so many things have happened, I don't think there's any going back.

[BluesPower]

Thanks, I know you mean well, hope you are getting through this too. Yeah I think one of the reasons I'm struggling so hard is - for the longest time, I'm talking almost a year after the separation - I was still trying to 'reconcile' with my ex wife. All the while she is slandering me and lying in court, trying to take my time with the kids away. Basically treating me like garbage, and here I am trying to reconcile w her. Mainly so the kids wouldn't have to go through this.

 

Now so many things have happened, I don't think there's any going back.

 

Here is the thing... Based on things that you have written, there never was any going back. There was nothing to reconcile. You just did not see it.

 

And I know that it sucks to hear, but it is as simple as manning up.

 

Don't get me wrong, I hated thinking it too, but the fact is that when the going gets tough, well you know the rest...

 

You are not the only one to go through this. Many men have, and it is a drag. All you can do is take care of your kids the best you can and keep moving forward and forget about your STBXW.

 

I know you don't believe it yet, but you are going to be so much happier after you move on completely from her. Don't let her ruin you, be strong and live well...

[mehrunes_dagon]

I know you don't believe it yet, but you are going to be so much happier after you move on

 

This is a platitude, too, but I don't mind hearing it. Yeah I don't see it yet, I'll be amazed (and very grateful) if it comes true.

[mehrunes_dagon]

So this post is about my sex life and how it played into my demise.

 

My ex wife is a blue eyed blonde with DD breasts. Beautiful face. She regularly trained for and competed in triathlons. You get the idea. When we met I felt like I had won the jackpot. We would have regular marathon sex sessions, it was pretty insane. Eventually I asked her to move in with me, mainly because she was pretty much living there already. I think we were dating 6 months when we moved in together - by our 8th month together we got pregnant. And that was that. We did a quickie wedding and 9 months later my daughter was born.

 

She wasn’t an accident, exactly. We talked about it and at the time I didn’t mind getting married and having kids, although it hadn’t exactly been a huge priority for me up to that point in my life. And you know, once your kid is born, everything changes. There’s no going back. I only wish I would have done some more thinking and soul searching at the time instead of thinking w my d***.

 

That being said, honestly if you were to see us together back then, you’d think there’s no way these two get divorced. But people change. It’s been ten years.

 

My wife totally let herself go. She must have gained 40 lb in the next 5 years. I know, it’s hard on a woman’s body after childbirth. But she didn’t even try. Stopped working out. Diet was bad. It really bummed me out, and I couldn’t say anything about it. I remember when she was pregnant she said ‘oh good, I don’t have to worry about my weight now’. That really bummed me out.

 

Sex died down, we still did it, but things were never the same. I tried to get her to work out by setting an example myself. I became a running fanatic and ran five marathons. She never took me up on my offer of going running w me. Anyway, sex died down. I started taking medication for depression - which really affected my libido, so sex died down even more.

 

There was one last thing at the end of it when she actually managed to lose some weight through dieting. And she did look a lot better, but by this time sex life was not very frequent. I honestly didn’t notice or care that much about it. But lack of frequency was probably a problem for my wife. I wasn’t exactly the greatest lover either.

 

You know what is weird, we still loved each other right to the end. Because the night before we separated we had sweet makeup sex after an argument. And then immediately afterwards I was a jerk to her in certain ways. The next morning she asked to separate. So the best I could piece together, she was probably thinking of leaving. Decided to stay w me, we had this makeup sex. And I go and blow it by acting like a jerk to her.

 

Honestly I was not the best husband. I could be cruel in things I say, and I treated her patronizingly because she was a stay st home mom. I was wrapped up in myself, inattentive to her and the kids sometimes. For a long time I felt really guilty, like everything was my fault. And I tried in vain to get her to reconcile.

 

I still feel guilty but mainly because of what my kids are going through. I might not have been the best husband but I worked really hard so she could stay home and my kids could have a good life. Maybe I didn’t manage the stress of my job very well. But I never abused or cheated on her, the only situations where I feel it’s ok to divorce someone. And I would never have divorced her, or tried to projfit from the divorce lik​e she’s doing right now. Using her kids as pawns in the divorce, depriving them of a dad for financial gain. And all the while I get raked over in divorce court and treated like absolute garbage. I don't deserve this s***.

 

Right now I feel like she is very selfish and cruel person and I don’t think I could take her back. I really miss the sweet kind girl that I married. I guess she doesn’t exist anymore. And I never thought in a million years she’d be capable of this kind of betrayal.

Edited December 13, 2017 by mehrunes_dagon

[dangerous]

Stick with your decision, don't consider going back. She is NOT the sweet girl you met, that is only a small (lost) part of her.

 

I have been similar to you. Married for 27 years, crap sex life. Now 3 years later I've had passionate (emotional and sexual) relationships that I never imagined would happen. The future is exciting.