Another long-term benefit of NC

[SpecialJ]

I'm not a huge advocate of NC in all circumstances, but I think it definitely is beneficial for situations that have become toxic and lopsided.

 

As I've written about before, I went complete NC for the better part of a year with my last serious ex. I'd let him know first, but I really went all the way even though it was a very difficult decision -- blocking him, getting no news of him, etc. I'd never really done that before. We're back in touch now to see if we can be just friends, and it's going better than I expected. (Going well turns out to be a mixed bag, because I certainly don't want one-sided feelings to develop, but so far so good.)

 

However, I did a lot of work on my boundaries and took a lot of action to rebuild my self-esteem after the breakup. It was very active NC, completely disconnecting and not worrying about what he was doing. We're both equally initiating contact and spending time together right now, but I still notice I occasionally fall back into the old immediately post-breakup habit of thinking, what if I say something wrong / do something to put him off? These anxious thoughts don't happen when we hang out in person, but they do sometimes when I've initiated the texting.

 

Except now that I focused on myself for so long during NC and was able to prove to myself I was fine without him, I can immediately stop that train of thought. Because, worst case scenario is, we stop talking again, and I've done that before! And I lived my life and did a lot of cool things on my own, it wasn't so bad after a while. We're still readjusting to frequent contact, but everything seems balanced again and there's ultimately nothing to be afraid of. I don't need his validation.

 

NC to focus on yourself is giving yourself a kind gift, and if your previous partner cared for you at all, s/he shouldn't hold it against you if you say I need space for myself and don't want us to be in touch for the foreseeable future. I didn't tell him for how long, because I didn't know. I didn't even tell him I would ever reach out again, because I didn't even know that (and he certainly asked).

 

It still took me 3 months to even start feeling better once I did it, and I kept it up far longer, but I'm pleasantly surprised at the benefits I'm seeing almost a year later. And I've been emotionally available to date other people for several months as well, though nothing has worked out for very long with anyone else yet.

 

Good luck to everyone wondering if it's the right choice to stay NC. Things will get better!