How to recover/stop missing ex who treated me badly?

[firefairy]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a previous post from last year (look it up on my username, for some reason not coming up on my e-mail) about my first love and that heartache. All I wanted was for this guy to come back. It was pathetic looking back. And looking back, he did break up with me in a respectful way. And I did get over it.

 

However, the next guy, who I was dating for roughly a year, took me on a whole other ride altogether.

At first, I was too scared of a relationship but he pursued and I gave in. He was the whole package, nobody had ever seemed that into me before. Introduced me to his whole family, brought me to every event and showed me off proudly, posted pictures of us everywhere. I couldn't believe I had finally found someone who adored me so much and was proud to be with me. I felt I had found REAL love, he told me I was a woman and his exes were girls. Told me I was the love of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him. I thought the same.

 

Fast forward and he shows up to my house to break up with me out of the blue. I was shocked and upset. He said he was going through "something" and needed to be alone. That he was afraid, in otherwords, that he would cheat. I told him he was being silly, that we loved eachother and that's all that matters, that I'd help with what he was going through. He came back the next day crying, asked for another chance, I held him and I gave him one. Three weeks later, after constantly making plans he couldn't stick to (busy work schedule), liking sexual pictures of other women on instagram, he dumps me again - through text message. High on cocaine, apparently. I asked him did he love me a week previously: he said yes. But not anymore. That he had just "changed".

 

I began to blame myself. I thought, maybe if I hadn't nagged him and gotten upset when he wasn't giving reason for liking those photos even though I told him it was disrespectful. Maybe if had just let his schedule go, and said it was okay to show up hours late and never know an exact time to meet.

 

I cannot cry. It hurts like hell but it's like all my tears were wasted on the first guy. But I cannot get over how disgustingly callous and cruel he was to lead me on for so long only to rip my heart out twice within a month. And through a text. He even had the audacity to just keep insulting himself "I'm just a , I hate everything and everyone, I am a c**t" yada yada yada. He enjoyed self-pity. When we first went out, I got messages from his ex warning me he'd "make me feel like he thought the world of me then leave", that he "always leaves". He would constantly tell me little lies that turned into big lies, who he was with, to a girl staying in his home months ago (I didn't mind unless they had some kind of sexual history), only to find out they had kissed before. Stuff like that. Constant.

 

How do I stop blaming myself for everything? How do I stop believing he's going to come running back and suddenly change his ways? I just cannot go through this agony all over again. It feels 100x times worse this time. I do not have the strength. I can't keep asking myself why someone would do this to me.

 

Any advice would be amazing. Anything. I haven't had a moment of release since it happened and I so desperately need some hope from this person who has fooled me into thinking I was the love of their life.

 

About a week later:

For the first week, I was in pain but I kept running. I was mostly angry, so I only cried once, by myself. The anger felt so much better than how I’ve been this week.

 

 

 

I’ve still been showering, dressing, going to college and work, not eating a lot but eating when I need to. I don’t want to let anyone down and I’m trying to keep a straight face but I feel like I’m going to die. Every second is agony. I am so ashamed that I miss someone who could do such a disgusting thing to me. But I can’t help it. I had one big crying session, for at least an hour where all I could do was say I loved and missed him, it was pathetic. I came so close to contacting him but I didn’t. But the urge is still here. Why do I miss him?! Or at least miss who he pretended he was for so long. But HOW does someone, how CAN they pretend to love somebody? Is that even a thing?

 

I haven’t cried since because I physically can’t. Not sure why. But he’s in my dreams every single night, last night telling me he didn’t love me (to my face, what a guy!) until he ran away, and I ran after him. Why am I missing, and even feeling I desperately need this person? When does this raw vile pain end?

P.S, he did text me. He said he knows he’s an idiot for letting me go but he needs to be on his own and that it was clear he was making me miserable and sucking the energy out of me, that the butterflies never went away and I made him feel safe, that I deserved the world and someone who could give it. He said he thought everything was fine but I seemed miserable. Because the last time we saw eachother, I was iffy after him liking those stupid stupid pictures. I didn't let him touch me much and moved to the other bed, which he followed and tried to hold me saying "I'm sorry, I don't know, I just like everything. I don't want to hurt you." I never even kissed him goodbye. I'd no clue that would be the last time I'd see him

 

I replied a day later (then blocked his number), essentially saying I was happy, that he decided I wasn’t, that the issues I had with our relationship were embarassingly fixable. That I didn’t wish him harm or luck on this journey he was on because no matter how young we are, it doesn’t excuse leading others down the garden path and picking and dropping them like toys. It doesn’t excuse leaving once, and leaving in a vile way (through text). That I didn’t feel a bit sorry for him, but he would regret this, love to your family etc.

 

 

 

Then my horrible BRAIN starts telling me “it must have been all your fault!!”, the reason I say this way the day he broke up with me, he was acting like him i.e. never making time, always working, liking these photos and I said “would you prefer to just be friends down the line? is this working?” he asked what I thought, I asked what HE thought. He said he’d prefer me to be single than with him. I told him I did NOT want to break up, I just wanted to see where he stood. That’s why now, bees, I am really going in circles and blaming myself. What do I do? Am I crazy? Did I do this?

[d0nnivain]

You are not crazy. Not only wasn't your fault, it had very little to do with you. He told you he was going through "something." You don't really specify what that was, but it not you caused the break-up . I'm sure the drugs didn't help the situation. You said he was high on coke when he texted you to break up. You also said he was afraid he was going to cheat & then you saw him liking all these sexy pictures on IG.

 

 

While I don't know for sure, I suspect there is another girl. He tried to do this cleanly & honorably, by breaking up with you before getting with her. Again I can't for sure he succeeded but he did try.

 

 

Bottom line -- for him your relationship had run it's course. Nothing you could have done or refrained from doing would have changed that.

 

 

For now, as part of your healing make lists of his bad qualities. I'll start you off:

 

 

1. uses cocaine (a crime)

 

2. Was rude enough to dump you via text

 

3. was disrespectful to you by liking all the sexy pictures (N.B. I don't find a "like" which is a click to be as disrespectful as you do but since it bugged you & he did it anyway, it goes on the list)

 

4. didn't have time for you (busy schedule)

 

 

Now you keep going. After you get the full list when you are feeling wistful, re-read it to help you move forward