I let her go. I regret it. I begged her to come back but now she ignores me...

[Luky]

My ex girlfriend and I were in a relationship for 8 months. I am 28 she is 37. She is from China, I am from US. We lived together for about 6 months. I started feeling love for her after knowing her for 2 months. She never told me she loves me back, but I didn't mind that. She said it takes more time for her to fall in love, and that love will grow. While she lived with me she couldn't work because she was only a visitor here. I took care of her. Got her food and my place to stay and did many other things for her. It caused me having to spend my savings. It was financially tough and I told her that. We fought about this issue a few times. She started talking about having children and getting married very soon after she moved in with me. I told her I wanted to get married too, but couldn't afford to take care of her and also a child. So about 3 months ago she went to see her family in China. She would have stayed there for 2 months and I would have visited her and then taken her back to US with me. While she was there, her family put a lot of pressure on her. She kept telling me that we should have a child soon. The pressure was too much. I left her the first time, telling her that I can't give her what she wanted. The next day she called me back crying. She said she was sorry and that she wants to follow her heart and stay together and try to work it out. I accepted and I felt happy and less stressed out for a while. But about one month later the same thing happened again. I could feel the pressure coming from her and I let her go again. We said good bye. It was the last time I saw her since. She was very upset, we didn't communicate for about 4 days. Before this we talked every day. While all this happened she was still in China.

Within these 4 days she made a complete 180. I don't blame her. I was weak and unable to give her what she wanted. She only emailed me from this point on. She blocked me from everything else. She told me she found another job in another city. Her friend took her in.

I love her and when I came to the realization that she was gone I begged her to stay. But in the beginning she didn't respond. So I changed my approach and the next email I sent her was one of understanding. She wrote me back saying that it makes her cry, but that she never really loved me the way I loved her. I tried to go NC after that but she kept emailing me nice, friendly emails the following 10 days. I replied after a week and tried to keep it short and friendly. She kept writing me and eventually I broke down. I told her to either be my lover or give me space. I didn't want a friendship at this point. I just couldn't handle it. She only replied by telling me her feelings haven't caught up to mine. So I asked her if there is no way we can work it out. Her reply was: "how much money do you have saved up and when can you afford a child?"

This email hurt me, so I only responded by saying "Let's talk about this over the phone. I am tired of emailing about these personal things and prefer to discuss them over the phone." She never responded to my request. So I left her alone again for a week. But I felt angry and I contacted her again. I told her I felt insulted and disrespected by the way she reduced all contact to email. And that it would be my last wish to have just one last conversation. She just responded by saying:"move on". I told her to F off and that she made me feel like garbage the way she treated me in this situation. I know she didn't owe me anything, but I still feel that the way she handled this was not fair. I went NC again for 2 weeks. I tried to accept it. In those two weeks a lot happened. I found out she was seeing another guy. I didn't mind too much. I landed a new job. I more than doubled my salary. Got a car. I wish I had this job earlier and all this would not have happened. So the two weeks passed. I was happy. I calmed down and wanted to try reaching out again. This time telling her that I accept the circumstances. The age difference, the money problems, etc. I told her that at least I want us to remain friends. She replied. Saying she is happy that I accept the situation and that she is very busy with her new job. She said she was looking at pictures of the city I live in and that she thought it looked amazing. I waited a week and wrote her again. This time telling her about my new job and that things are going amazing and that I have been very successful in my new job. I told her that I want her to reach her goals and dreams and that I want us to speak over the phone as friends when she is ready. I asked more questions about her new job and what she is doing exactly because she never really told me any details. She never replied. That was two weeks ago. I know since then she has broken up with her new guy already. But she doesn't seem to care to hear from me anymore. I still really love her. I am now ready and financially capable of supporting her and a child and getting her a visa. But she ignored my last message. It has been two weeks of NC since then. This is the longest time I haven't heard from her. I want her back, but I think she is happy now where she is. I am happy for her, but I wish we could share our happiness like we used to.

What should I do? I want to tell her that I love her every day. But I am staying NC. Her birthday is next week and I don't think I will contact her because I don't want to push her away even further. I feel like I have ruined everything. Not only the relationship, but also the possibility of a close friendship. Thanks for reading and if you could give me advice I would appreciate it.

[chinadiary]

If you date a woman from a different culture, you have to expect different standards. In China, they marry for practical reasons, not so much for our idealised view of romantic love.

 

She's 37. Not much time left to have children. In China, women have their families in the early to mid 20s. She is in a hurry and you messed her around.

 

Should have married her when you had the chance. She's done now.

[Luky]

I didn't want to marry her because I felt it was too soon. I only knew her for 6 months and she never said she loved me. I also wasn't able to spend anymore money on her at that time. She would have made me broke with all her nails, haircuts, waxings, dinners, etc. Now that I have enough money to provide her the life she wanted it's too late. I agree with you. Thanks

[RocketQueen]

Hi, sorry you're feeling so down but I see major red flags here. It may be a cultural thing but she was pressuring you to get married and have babies but didn't love you in the same way you loved her?

 

If in China they marry for practical reasons that's fine but you want to marry for love. There are too many differences which would come back to bite you on the a$$ at some point.

 

I hope you feel better soon and are able to move on eventually.

 

You will find happiness with someone more suited to you.

[Luky]

Another red flag I saw was that she kept using dating apps while she lived with me. I don't think she ever went out with anyone, but one time I used her phone to play a game and she kept getting message notifications from a dating app...I confronted her, but she only got mad at me for accusing her of cheating.

[sdraw108]

If you date a woman from a different culture, you have to expect different standards. In China, they marry for practical reasons, not so much for our idealised view of romantic love.

 

She's 37. Not much time left to have children. In China, women have their families in the early to mid 20s. She is in a hurry and you messed her around.

 

Should have married her when you had the chance. She's done now.

 

I agree with most of that, but not the last line. You should never marry someone and have a child with them just because they are pressuring you into it. In my opinion, 6 months is way too early to be doing those things anyway. I think it takes around 2 years before you know if a relationship has a chance of lasting and at an absolute minimum I would never consider marriage / children at under 1 year. Oh, and that clock only starts running once you're living in the same home together.

 

OP, let this one go. 1) She's moved on, 2) You'd be in it for the wrong reasons. Why should you get back together with someone who is only accepting you because you're now earning more money and are willing to cave in to their demands?

 

Date someone a little closer to your age who doesn't have quite a strong sense of their biological clock ticking. Also, another thing to be aware of in Chinese culture is that it's more family oriented and less socially acceptable to be unmarried / childless as you get older. That explains why this girl was under such pressure from her family.

Edited November 22, 2017 by sdraw108